"a man must provide for the needs of his family" ....but what if you can't?

BarelyBreathing

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Everyone has already said all the good stuff. :thumbsup: There are TONS of women who don't list money as being important. There are much more important things. Just be who you are and look for a woman who loves you for who you are without any expectations beyond that.
 
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Sunset2009

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SonicBOOM said:
I do believe men are to be the spiritual head.... but I think the keyword here is "spiritual". What I believe this means is regarding the things of God. I'm not gonna say that this doesn't at least somewhat include money and the like [sense God is a part of all of life] ..... but it was never meant to be the primary concern

There's a Scripture in the Bible that says a man who does not provide for his family is worse than an infidel. This definitely means financially, but I believe it also applies spiritually and emotionally.

I don't think the woman should have the burden of providing financially for the family. I believe biblically, that is the man's role. She can help, of course (Proverbs 31 woman), but honestly I think the man needs to be in a financially stable enough place where she can stay busy in the home, and rear the children, and not give that role over to someone else (day care, babysitters, grandma, etc).

I will honestly tell you, that any good woman does not care about the figure you make. But if you are making 15K working at McDonald's, obviously I am not going to date you, because dating leads to marriage, marriage leads to babies, and you cannot raise a baby on 15K. See the immediate connection? It's a stretch, but it's how a lot of us women think. We never, ever said you have to make exactly $150,500 a year. No one worth being with has a figure in their mind, except one that you can raise a family on.
 
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ido

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There's a Scripture in the Bible that says a man who does not provide for his family is worse than an infidel. This definitely means financially, but I believe it also applies spiritually and emotionally.

I'm not sure I know what scripture you are refering to - can you provide it, please?

I don't think the woman should have the burden of providing financially for the family. I believe biblically, that is the man's role. She can help, of course (Proverbs 31 woman), but honestly I think the man needs to be in a financially stable enough place where she can stay busy in the home, and rear the children, and not give that role over to someone else (day care, babysitters, grandma, etc).

This is ideal, I agree. But, it is not always possible. I have been on both sides of the argument and don't think - especially in this economy - that the woman staying at home should be a given in a marriage, but a blessing/luxury. It may involve a lot of sacrifice to make it happen, but it is still doable in a lot of cases.

I will honestly tell you, that any good woman does not care about the figure you make. But if you are making 15K working at McDonald's, obviously I am not going to date you, because dating leads to marriage, marriage leads to babies, and you cannot raise a baby on 15K. See the immediate connection? It's a stretch, but it's how a lot of us women think. We never, ever said you have to make exactly $150,500 a year. No one worth being with has a figure in their mind, except one that you can raise a family on.

You kind of contradict yourself, here. lol My take on this is that it would depend on the person's age, the circumstances surrounding their employment (are they a full-time student? did they get laid off from a better paying job and took a lower paying job until something more lucrative comes along, etc.).

I'm pretty sure I'm worth being with ;) and I am actually the breadwinner in my marriage at the moment. My husband is a full-time student and is out of work on disability due to a back injury at work (which, btw - his boss just fired him this week).

I think anyone worth being with is going to embrace the "for better or worse, richer or poorer" part of the marriage vows and understand that sometimes sacrifices are made, roles are reversed, ideals are not reality, etc.

That said, the person that is right for you (you, general - not you, personally) will have the same or a similar mindset. So, it all works out in the end, IMO. :)
 
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Sunset2009

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I'm not sure I know what scripture you are refering to - can you provide it, please?

1 Tim. 5:8

flnativegrl said:
This is ideal, I agree. But, it is not always possible. I have been on both sides of the argument and don't think - especially in this economy - that the woman staying at home should be a given in a marriage, but a blessing/luxury. It may involve a lot of sacrifice to make it happen, but it is still doable in a lot of cases.

Yep.
 
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ido

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1 Tim. 5:8

Ahh, OK. That is a passage that is talking about widows and taking care of widows in your family if they have no one else that can care for them.

In context, it's probably more a cultural statement of the times than a commandment to men that they have to provide so that his wife can be a SAHM. :)
 
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ido

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I just found this commentary - which I think does a good job of explaining the passage. It says that anyone - man or woman - who spends their money on "lusts and pleasures" (read frivolous/materialistic things) rather than providing for their immediate family - which includes extended family, such as widows - then they are denying their faith and are worse than infidels.

To say that a man who cannot earn enough money for his wife to be a SAHM is denying his faith and worse than an infidel is an unfair and inaccurate statement - even citing that passage. To deny dating someone b/c you don't see them as able to provide enough for the wife is a personal conviction, not a biblical instruction.
 
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Blank123

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blind post.

money isn't that big of a deal breaker. worst case scenario if i married a guy who wasn't making a lot of money, i'd have to keep working and I really wouldn't mind that. I mean i'm working towards a career right now, it wouldn't be a terrible thing to have to use my education to get a job ;)

my deal breaker is more about how a guy handles the money he does earn. If he's more interested in buying video/computer games than paying for gas for the car or groceries or paying the bills thats going to be a serious problem. If he's esponsible with his money then I can respect him.
 
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Good catch Flnativegrl. 1 Timothy 5:8 speaks to widows and elders. Nonetheless, Sunset2009 mentioned the key point here by stating it "also applies spiritually and emotionally"

Look at these excerpts from Matthew 6:
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth...For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also...

No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money...

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

flnativegrl said:
That said, the person that is right for you (you, general - not you, personally) will have the same or a similar mindset. So, it all works out in the end, IMO. :)

I believe Flnativegrl sums it up very well here. If the priorities and focus on God are not harmonious in a relationship, there is a tendency to feel slighted and under-appreciated. Financial strife is still the #1 cause of divorce and that's so disheartening. I think what happens in these relationships is one or the other (or neither) are not walking with God so they're pulling out of each other. They feel incomplete and overwhelmed with a destructive sense of vindication. "I'm doing this, and you're not doing that." I'm making this, and you're not making that." Conversely, when both are walking with God and in fellowship with Him, the inclination is to simply love the other person unconditionally. You want to pour into them and serve them. In this kind of relationship, God will always show favor and provide blessings.
 
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Sunset2009

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I just found this commentary - which I think does a good job of explaining the passage. It says that anyone - man or woman - who spends their money on "lusts and pleasures" (read frivolous/materialistic things) rather than providing for their immediate family - which includes extended family, such as widows - then they are denying their faith and are worse than infidels.

Not really. "But if any provide not for his own" might be referring specifically to children taking care of their widowed mother, but "And especially those of his own house," (or kindred) means those that live in his family.

flnativegrl said:
To say that a man who cannot earn enough money for his wife to be a SAHM is denying his faith and worse than an infidel is an unfair and inaccurate statement - even citing that passage. To deny dating someone b/c you don't see them as able to provide enough for the wife is a personal conviction, not a biblical instruction.

A man should be able to provide for his home, financially, spiritually, emotionally. Throughout Scripture, the Bible never instructs the woman to work as it instructs of the man.
 
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SonicBOOM

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Yeah, but the girls/their families often don't see any reason to consider those guys. They'll never say that they shouldn't get married. Just not to them/their daughter. To be fair if they think their daughter can get a good man who can also provide and whose life hasn't been a disapointment then why should they think that she should end up with a good guy who can't provide and whose "life hasn't turned out quite how they wanted"?


well I will argue than that those girls and their families have very shallow, naive, and even prejudiced views regarding marriage. Being someone who has seen the world from the bottom up.... I know first hand that a man is not defined by his money. I have seen crooks who are both rich and poor.... and I have seen incredibly holy men who are both rich and poor.

Also who's to say that a man is a disappointment just because he has a different social class? Surely a man has more to offer a woman than his wallet.

In my opinion my inevitable poverty is a blessing to me. this way it will be far easier to know if a girl loves me for me or for my money. If I go to a girl and tell her "all I have is my heart".... if she says "yes" I know it's because she truly wants me..... because I literally have nothing else.
 
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SonicBOOM

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There's a Scripture in the Bible that says a man who does not provide for his family is worse than an infidel.

I'm familiar with this passage :) and I would agree :) ...because I beleive this passage is addressed to the deadbeat husband who treats his wife like his mommy....

as for a man who tries his best and doesn't quite meet the standards it takes? Well..... at least he's trying.... and if he's trying he is more than faithful enough to be a good husband.
 
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If a guy lacks ambition and direction, I won't date him. Sorry.

I've wasted too much time and my own money by forgiving laziness and accepting excuses. If he isn't well on his way to actually becoming what he says he wants to become, I'm not going to waste my time. I'm not asking for a salary, I'm asking for a guy who has the ability to plan and actualize his career goals rather than stop at good intentions, expecting me to pick up the slack.

I can require this of a guy because its what I require of myself.
 
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My take:

Stay well clear of any woman that demands to be a stay at home parent, or thinks it's some sort of God given right to women. I would seriously question why on earth any adult in this day and age would really want ot live like a dependant child for the rest of their lives.

Being a man doesn't mean you should work yourself to an early grave so another grown adult can stay at home and do nothing. Before children are school aged it may well make sense finanically for one parent (doesn't have to be mom) to take a break from work for a while. But once the kids are in school there is simply no need for a stay at home parent. Sharing all the responsiblies of living gives both spouses an equal share in the headaches and benefits of income earning, housework, and child care. So I wouldn't worry about it: find someone that wants a partner, not a meal ticket, and you'll be fine.
 
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SonicBOOM

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My take:

Stay well clear of any woman that demands to be a stay at home parent, or thinks it's some sort of God given right to women. I would seriously question why on earth any adult in this day and age would really want ot live like a dependant child for the rest of their lives.

Being a man doesn't mean you should work yourself to an early grave so another grown adult can stay at home and do nothing. Before children are school aged it may well make sense finanically for one parent (doesn't have to be mom) to take a break from work for a while. But once the kids are in school there is simply no need for a stay at home parent. Sharing all the responsiblies of living gives both spouses an equal share in the headaches and benefits of income earning, housework, and child care. So I wouldn't worry about it: find someone that wants a partner, not a meal ticket, and you'll be fine.

in the defense of the SAHM :) I think it's good advice to stay clear of a woman who demands to be a SAHM and refuses to admit reality. However.... some girls have a very pure desire to be a SAHM.... and because I love that dream in a girl..... I would do what it takes to make it come to pass :)

now I think a misconception of the SAHM is that she's mooching..... some women do..... but those who have a pure desire for this work harder than the man! Kids are alot of work! So is cooking and cleaning and the like...... if anyone will be pushed to an early grave it's probably gonna be the SAHM.
 
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Rocklee

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If a guy lacks ambition and direction, I won't date him. Sorry.

I've wasted too much time and my own money by forgiving laziness and accepting excuses. If he isn't well on his way to actually becoming what he says he wants to become, I'm not going to waste my time. I'm not asking for a salary, I'm asking for a guy who has the ability to plan and actualize his career goals rather than stop at good intentions, expecting me to pick up the slack.

I can require this of a guy because its what I require of myself.

Good points.
 
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in the defense of the SAHM :) I think it's good advice to stay clear of a woman who demands to be a SAHM and refuses to admit reality. However.... some girls have a very pure desire to be a SAHM.... and because I love that dream in a girl..... I would do what it takes to make it come to pass :)

now I think a misconception of the SAHM is that she's mooching..... some women do..... but those who have a pure desire for this work harder than the man! Kids are alot of work! So is cooking and cleaning and the like...... if anyone will be pushed to an early grave it's probably gonna be the SAHM.


I don't know about mooching, but let's be honest here. Starting at a pretty young age kids are in school 7+ hours a day, when activites come into the picture you could easily be pushing 10+ hours a day away from home. It's kind of hard for me to believe that parenting is a massive amount of work when the reality is after school, activies, and sleep the parents are only dealing with the children for a few hours a day. Once children hit 11 or 12 there's really no reason why they shouldn't basically take care of themselves.
Cooking one meal a day is not a lot of work, even if you're cooking only fresh foods. When you start to figure in the number of dinners a family eats out and the rise of prepared foods there's not an awlful lot of cooking going on. Cleaning is largely in the same boat. With consumer technologies people are spending less and less time on these chores.
I suppose on a fundamental level I just can't see one person having to deal with the headaches of work so another grown adult can have basically no schedule that they don't set themselves. If you want to set yourself up for that, it's really up to you.
 
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trentlogain2

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this isn't a spin-off (although it could be) of SonicBoom's thread, but it's an issue that i've thought about lately nonetheless. here's my situation. im jobless atm and working odd jobs to try to stay afloat. tonight at the church christmas party someone gave me a significant amount of money. is it wrong to feel guilty? would I have been in the wrong to not accept it?

has anyone been in this situation that would be willing to shed some advice my way, please?
 
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