25 ways to communicate respect

[Rhye]

Last night I read this on Pinterest and then went to her blog.

here is the Link: 25 Ways to Communicate Respect | Loving Life at Home

I read the list and then read the replies on the bottom as well.

Many of you are married here and most are women who post in this area: how do you feel about this list?

There is the list for husbands as well, which is linked at the bottom of the blog.

 

[Wren]

1. Choose Joy
Don't love the phrasing on explanation of this one. I don't think it's manipulation to not always be the happy little wife. Having said that, I do try to be positive because life is just nicer with positive people than whiners. I'm not always successful, but life isn't perfect and I'm not going to pretend it is. That's about life in general, though. As far as my marriage, I'm happy. Even if issues were to come up, I tend to pick my battles and don't fight over every little thing.

2. Honor His Wishes
It looks like I'm not going to love a lot of this wording. Guessing it's coming from a conservative Christian homemaker. Puffca doesn't really make demands of me. We work quite nicely as partners and early on decided how we wanted to run a household/life together, so it's pretty smooth. On the rare occasion that he asks something of me, I definitely listen because he isn't a demanding person and I do want him to be happy. If he were to ask something of me that I'm not okay with, I wouldn't just do it because he's the man, though. Thankfully, he's not like that anyway.

3 (Give Him Your Undivided Attention) and 4 (Don't Interrupt) are pretty basic and good with anyone, not just spouses.

5. Emphasize His Good Points
I like this one. It goes with what I said earlier about choosing my battles. Focusing on the negative isn't worth it. If there are serious negatives, then a discussion is important, but most of the time people can just focus on the good things of their spouse and accept them for who they are; after all, you married this person for a reason.

6. Pray for Him.
I like it.

7.Don't Nag
I don't. However, I've seen relationships where it's necessary. Sometimes things have to get done and one spouse can't do them for whatever reason. If the other spouse is lazy or just very forgetful, then constant reminders might be needed. I also think the word "nag" or "nagging" gets thrown around a bit too loosely.

8. Be Thankful
Well, I was raised to always say "Please" and "Thank you" to everyone. But yeah, don't take your loved ones for granted.

9. Smile At Him
If I smile at Puffca for absolutely no reason, he'll wonder what the heck is wrong with me. Though, as I said, I am happy with him and, therefore, have plenty of genuine opportunities to smile.

10. Respond Physically
I wouldn't slap away hugs. Puffca and I are both Touch people as far as our love language. And I don't think someone should withhold all physical affection. However, I do not believe either spouse should ever feel that they are obligated to be physically affection and/or have sex. Take each other's needs into account, but you are a human being, not a sex toy. And a spouse needs to respect it when the other is just not in the mood.

11. Eyes Only For Him
Well, yeah, don't compare. But I'm not going to avoid movies with hot guys because I'm married.

12. Kiss Him Goodbye
Nice idea, if you are naturally a physically affectionate couple. Some are not and doing that each day/evening would not be fun. But greeting each other warmly is a good idea.

13. Prepare His Favorite Foods
Well, if the woman is the cook, sure. I mean, everyone should get a turn at having favorite foods made, including the kids.

14.Cherish Togetherness
Like this one. Though there's a balance between clingy and healthy independence within a relationship.

15. Don't Complain
Well, yeah, since I mentioned my lack of love for whiners earlier. But don't feel like you have to stuff everything and be the happy little houswife either. Communication is important, even in a negative sense.

16. Resist the Urge To Correct
Indeed. This goes for conversations with anyone.

17. Dress To Please Him
No. I dress to be presentable (like wearing nice clothes to church) and comfortable. I can only imagine this being a issue if one partner was dressing to impress during the dating phase and then went with sweats after marriage. I can understand why one spouse would feel like the other was taking them for granted (wanting to impress them during dating, but now not caring to), though. That is not an issue for us.

18. Keep The House Tidy
Well, this should not be just for wives. This should also be for every member of the household. I'm a believer in people picking up after themselves. I plan on teaching my children to put their toys away when they are done, when at age to do so.

19. Be Content
Well, don't be a whiner and focus on the negative, sure. But if there's an issue, don't pretend there's not: address it.

20. Take His Advice
Well, we should always take each other's advice into consideration.

21. Admire Him
Voiced compliments and heartfelt praise are not always welcome. For some people, that just makes them uncomfortable. Though let him know you appreciate him when appropriate.

22. Protect His Name
Some people do not believe you should ever say a negative thing about your spouse to anyone else. I think that's unhealthy. I don't believe you should go around bashing your spouse, but I do think it's important to have a confidant to share concerns to and vent with. I have my sister for this and she has me for it regarding her spouse also. Sometimes an outside opinion on a situation is important.

23. Forgive His Shortcomings
(see my comments on number 5)

24. Don't Argue
I think arguing can just be a form of discussion sometimes and be healthy. But I agree with her comments on this.

25. Follow His Lead
We are a partnership. If others want that kind of relationship, that's up to them.


Someone in the comments added: "Respect His Money". It's our money. Just because a man may bring home the paychecks, does not mean that the money belongs to him. A woman may not get paid for her work if she is a homemaker, but that doesn't mean her work is worthless.

"Don’t make excuses when he’s in the mood?!? If a woman doesn’t feel like having sex, she should never be coerced into doing so, even if she is married. A woman has a right to how she feels and what she does with her body, and that includes having or not having sex with her husband."---I agree with this comment.

I just love when a commenter says that one should "read a Bible" if you don't agree with their view of how marriage should be. Some of us read our Bible just fine and aren't literalists and rather appreciate the culture of time and context of each part of the Bible. I don't love my husband any less because we have a partnership. I believe he likes it as it is.

 

[Rhye]

Thank you for replaying Henrietta. A lot of your thoughts crossed my mind too.

 

[The Alley Cat]

First of all, the pink-themed "I'm a JOYFUL wife who is SO wise!" site itself just makes me wanna barf. BUT I did read the whole thing, and will comment

Choose Joy
It’s true: A happy wife makes a happy life. Please don’t use moodiness as an attempt to manipulate your man, but in all things rejoice, because that’s the right thing to do. (1 Thessaonians 5:16; Philippians 4:4) A A happy wife doesn't "make" anything. No person is responsible for another person's actions, thoughts, words, or attitudes. It's not MY job to "make" my husband happy. It's my job to love him. That being said, there are a LOT of emotionally manipulative women out there... avoid them, guys!

Honor His Wishes
Give weight to what your husband thinks is important. Make those things a priority that matter most to him, whether it’s having dinner ready when he gets home from work or keeping the house tidy or limiting computer time. Don’t make him ask twice. (Philippians 2:4) Having dinner ready? Keeping the house "tidy"? Really, can we get anymore 1950's?? I agree that we should put each other first (not just ME putting HIM first, he puts me first as well, it's both ways), but good grief, find some contemporary examples! For what it's worth, my husband works from home, I work outside the home, AND he's the cook of the family. Do I expect dinner ready when I get home? *snort* No. He can make it whenever it's convenient for him. If I'm starving, I'll grab a snack.

Give Him Your Undivided Attention
Yes, I know that women are masters of multi-tasking, but when your husband is speaking to you, make a point to lay other tasks aside, look into his eyes, and listen to what he is saying with the goal of understanding and remembering his words. Agreed.

Don’t Interrupt
Have you ever been around a person who won’t let you finish a sentence? That gets old fast. Even if you think you already know what your husband is going to say, allowing him to say it without cutting him off mid-sentence shows both respect and common courtesy. Agreed.

Emphasize His Good Points
Sure, he has his faults (as do you), but dwelling on them will only make you (both) miserable. Choose instead to focus on those qualities in your husband that you most admire. (Philippians 4:8) Agreed.

Pray for Him
Ruth Graham advises wives to “tell your mate the positive, and tell God the negative.” Take your concerns to God. Faithfully lift up your husband in prayer every day, and you will likely notice a transformation not only in him, but in yourself, as well. (Philipians 4:6-7; 1 Thessalonians 5:17) No, don't "hide" the negative from your husband (or anyone else you're close to). A true friend/mate/companion has the nads to share the truth, even when it's ugly, and to do it with love and compassion. Sucking up every hurt and disappointment that your husband causes and NEVER addressing it with HIM... is just ridiculous. Not to mention horrible for YOUR mental and emotional health.

Don’t Nag
Your husband is a grown man, so don’t treat him like a two-year-old. Leave room for God to work. You are not the Holy Spirit, so do not try to do His job. AGREE AGREE AGREE. Nothing makes me cringe more than a naggy, overbearing wife.

Be Thankful
Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Don’t take your husband for granted. Be appreciative for everything he does for you, whether big or small. Always say thank you. (1 Thessalonians 5:18; Ephesians 5:20) Absolutely.

Smile at Him
Smiles spread happiness. Smiles have even been shown to create happiness. Smiles are contagious. And a smile makes any woman more beautiful. Pasting on a fake smile is no better than lying and saying "everything's fine" when it's not. Expressions of love should always be genuine, be it a hug, kiss, or smile.

Respond Physically
Did you know that the way you respond (or don’t respond) to your husband’s romantic overtures has a profound effect on his self-confidence? Don’t slap him away when he tries to hug you or make excuses when he’s in the mood. Your enthusiastic cooperation and reciprocation will not only assure him of your love, but will make him feel well-respected, too. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) "Enthusiastic cooperation"?? WHAT? This makes it sound like I'm being assaulted and need to just go with it to avoid having my throat slit. This goes back to the whole "fake it to please him/her" thing. NO, DON'T DO THAT. It's LYING. Be genuine, all the time, including genuinely tired or uninterested. The truth is always better than a pretty lie. I agree that it's a good thing to accept romantic overtures, even if you aren't rabid with lust, unless you really, strongly DON'T feel like it (tired, sick, in pain, etc). Doesn't mean you fake orgasmic enthusiasm, though.

Eyes Only for Him
Don’t compare your husband unfavorably to other men, real or imaginary. It is neither fair nor respectful and will only breed trouble and discontent. Avoid watching movies or reading books that might cause you to stumble in this area, as well. (Psalm 19:14; Proverbs 4:23) Agreed. Men's egos are uber-fragile, no matter how cocky or macho they appear to be.

Kiss Him Goodbye
I once read about a study done in Germany which found that men whose wives kissed them goodbye every morning were more successful than those who weren’t kissed. Success and respect often go hand-in-hand, so be sure to send him off right, and don’t forget to greet him with a kiss when he returns home, for good measure. (2 Corinthians 13:12) Kiss EACH OTHER goodbye. Let him know that you expect that kiss just as consistently. Once again, it's not YOUR job to hold the house/family/marriage together on your own, for crying out loud.

Prepare His Favorite Foods
Although the rest of the family is not overly-fond of spaghetti, my husband loves it, so I try to make it at least two or three times a month as a way to honor him. Next time you’re planning meals, give special consideration to your husband’s preferences. (Proverbs 31:14-15) OK, this is a joke for me, because I don't cook. Don is the chef, and he's a flippin' amazing one. And I don't make him cook what I want or like; if he offers, that's wonderful, and I thank him profusely. But he'll tell you I'm not picky, I'll usually say "whatever you want, whatever you feel like, fine with me". He's doing something kind for me, so to have any sort of demand or expectation (to me) seems downright arrogant. I don't think we "honor" each other with meals. It's food, people. Just food. You'll be pooping it out in a few hours. Find something more substantial to put so much stake in.

Cherish Togetherness
I love to sit near my husband, whether at home or away. Our church shares potluck dinners every Sunday afternoon, and although the men and women normally sit separately to visit, I like to position myself close enough to my husband that I can listen to the conversation, as I think everything he says is so interesting. At home, I’ll take my book or handwork to whatever room in the house he’s working in, just to be close to him, because I enjoy his company, even when neither of us is talking. "I think everything he says is SO interesting!" Oh gag me, woman. What a load of tosh. Some couples thrive on being physically near each other (Don and I included), but I'm not going to fawn over him like a stalkish schoolgirl. Or pretend that every word out of his mouth just sends chills up and down my spine (lol). Apparently, the writer of this article wants us to believe that when her husband is asking for a cup of coffee, she's there with her eyes all big and sparkly, going "OH HONEY... say it AGAIN!"

Don’t Complain
Nobody wants to be around a whiner or complainer. It is grating on the nerves. Remember the serenity prayer: accept the things you can’t change, courageously change the things you can, seek wisdom to know the difference. (Philippians 2:14) Agree!

Resist the Urge to Correct
I know one wife whose spouse can’t tell a story without her stopping him fifteen times to correct inconsequential details: “It wasn’t Monday evening, it was Monday afternoon…. It wasn’t blue, it was turquoise…. He didn’t ride the bus, he took a shuttle.” Please. Please. Please. Don’t ever do that to your husband — or to anyone else, for that matter! (Proverbs 17:28) The heading "resist the urge to correct" needs to be followed by "inconsequential details" because those are the examples she uses. I agree with that; don't correct him like an elementary school teacher. However, the blanket statement "don't correct your husband" is hazardous. If he's doing something wrong, SPEAK UP. That's your job as not only his wife, but his friend, AND you have every right to be heard if he's offended you.

Dress to Please Him
Take care of your appearance. Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house. Back to the 1950's. Be everything. Mother, cook, maid, temptress, carpooler, nurse, teacher. Sca-rew that. I dress to be comfortable, always have, always will. I make sure I'm clean and presentable, and COMFORTABLE. I don't exist to please his eyeballs. I exist to please God. My husband happens to find me ravishingly sexy first thing in the morning, so I think I'm OK on this one

Keep the House Tidy
To the best of your abilities, try to maintain a clean and orderly home. Seek to make it a haven of rest for your entire family. (Proverbs 31:27) They all live in it, they all need to contribute to keeping it clean. Hear, hear. All three of us do household chores. This isn't Don's house, it's OUR house.

Be Content
Do not pressure your husband to keep up with the Jonses. Take satisfaction in the lifestyle he is able to provide for you. (1 Timothy 6:6-10; Hebrews 13:5) Agreed.

Take His Advice
Do not dismiss his opinions lightly, especially when you’ve asked for his counsel in the first place. Make every effort to follow your husband’s advice. "Make every effort to follow your husband's advice" ... if it's the RIGHT advice! Hello? If he's wrong, don't follow it like a mindless lemming. You can gently and respectfully disagree with him. The world won't end, I promise. And if he's RIGHT, then sure, he'll glow like the 4th of July if he sees that he was able to help you with something, that's what our men live for

Admire Him
Voiced compliments and heartfelt praise are always welcome, but you should also make it your habit to just look at your husband in a respectful, appreciative way. Think kind thoughts toward him. He’ll be able to see the admiration in your eyes. (Luke 6:45) Agreed.

Protect His Name
Honor your husband in the way you speak of him to family and friends. Guard his reputation and do not let minor disagreements at home cause you to speak ill of him in public. Live in such a way that it will be obvious to others why your husband married you in the first place. (Proverbs 12:4; 22:1) Agreed.

Forgive His Shortcomings
In the words of Ruth Bell Graham, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Please do not hold grudges against your husband. Do not allow a root of bitterness or resentment find a home in your heart. Forgive your husband freely, as Christ has forgiven you. (Mark 11:25; Matthew 18:21-35) Agreed, and this goes vice versa, too. This goes for ANY relationship.

Don’t Argue
You are not always right, and you do not always have to have the last word. Be the first to say, “I’m sorry.” Be willing to accept the blame. It takes two to argue, so “abandon a quarrel before it breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14; 21:19; 25:24) I'm not going to be the first to say "I'm sorry" if I didn't do anything wrong. I'll be the first to say "let's talk about it", sure. But I'm not accepting blame unless I did something wrong. Being a wife doesn't mean I'm his moral punching bag or perpetual scapegoat.

Follow His Lead
If you want your husband to lead, you must be willing to follow. Neither a body nor a family can function well with two heads. Learn to defer to your husband’s wishes and let final decisions rest with him. (Ephesians 5:22-24) I disagree that two people can't lead together. Don is the head of the family - yes. But he can't lead the family without me, and I couldn't lead it without him. He leads first, I'm second. He needs advice, counsel, suggestions, corrections, encouragements... if he's leading ALL BY HIMSELF, where would he get those things from? Mmhmm.

This whole "fake everything for the sake of your husband" mentality needs to die. Seriously. It needs to die a very slow, painful, and eternal death. Ladies, you answer to one entity, and that's God, NOT your husband. Love him with everything you've got, but BE YOURSELF and DO NOT LOSE YOUR IDENTITY to society's expectations! You're the only YOU in the world... cherish your identity. Never let yourself become "so and so's wife" as if you had no name. Be YOU.

 

[Wren]

Cherish Togetherness
I love to sit near my husband, whether at home or away. Our church shares potluck dinners every Sunday afternoon, and although the men and women normally sit separately to visit, I like to position myself close enough to my husband that I can listen to the conversation, as I think everything he says is so interesting. At home, I’ll take my book or handwork to whatever room in the house he’s working in, just to be close to him, because I enjoy his company, even when neither of us is talking. "I think everything he says is SO interesting!" Oh gag me, woman. What a load of tosh. Some couples thrive on being physically near each other (Don and I included), but I'm not going to fawn over him like a stalkish schoolgirl. Or pretend that every word out of his mouth just sends chills up and down my spine (lol). Apparently, the writer of this article wants us to believe that when her husband is asking for a cup of coffee, she's there with her eyes all big and sparkly, going "OH HONEY... say it AGAIN!"

(I literally LOL'ed at the bolded.)

I was thinking that I'd be the odd wife here. Glad to see you think similarly.

 

[Qyöt27]

The one for husbands is decidedly less pointed. Some points that are good advice (either as common sense in a romantic relationship or in any relationship), but others seem to go after curtailing the insensitive brute stereotype. A couple of them seemed really questionable.

1. Listen
2. Communicate
Both common sense.

3. Sing Her Praises
Similar to the point about wives doing this with their husbands, part of it should be genuine affection, but if you have concerns about negatives, those should be discussed as per #2.

4. Pray For Her and With Her
This point seems to simply be generalized spiritual advice. And I'd agree it's important to do these things for the sake of your spiritual health, although I seriously doubt anything given with the excuse of preventing a 50% divorce rate since I've seen that statistic thrown around so much as to be virtually meaningless. There's a lot more to why marriages fail.

5. Value Her Individuality
This goes along with being considerate. There's usually one or two 'funny-when-told-in-retrospect' stories about a new husband making this mistake. I've heard them from my own parents. But really, how hard is it to think a little bit before you say something like that?

6. Put the Seat Down
7. Throw Your Dirty Clothes in the Hamper
Two of the 'men are inconsiderate slobs' points. And the solution for #6 is for everyone to leave it in the completely closed state. We had to get into the habit of that or else the cats would play in there.

8. Turn Off the T.V.
This borders on being a tad offensive about our electronics addictions, but the underlying point of consciously spending time with one's spouse is a valid one.

9. Loosen the Purse Strings
Entirely depends on what you know she likes. This point seems to want to make it about money when the sentiment should not take cost into it at all.

10. Practice Servant-Leadership
This is one of those cultural things stressing a 'hierarchy'. That's a topic for another thread, but decisions should be either a joint agreement, or should be made by whoever is more experienced in the particular subject. That latter point may have some pride issues to work out, though.

11. Remember that Intimacy’s a Two-Way Street
Seems to lean more into the 'home duties are always her responsibility' mindset than I'm comfortable with, but it really wouldn't kill guys to be more helpful.

Now, the implication that you'd be doing this primarily to get sex, that I'm offended by.

12. Give Her Time to Herself
13. Set Aside Couple Time
Both good, although #12 outright assumes a stay-at-home mom.

14. Be Careful with Female Friendships
This gets a bit paranoid with the 'men and women as friends' thing. A responsible adult will know whether something is appropriate. And as this is going with the angle of an emotional affair, there is a difference between a relationship between friends and between spouses. If you really are getting into emotional affair territory, then you need to be concentrating on those communication skills because it signals a breakdown there.

15. Use Good Hygiene
16. Limit the Gross Stuff
Two more 'men are slobs and obsessed with toilet humor' points.

17. Be Patient
Generally wise advice regardless of relationship status.

18. Cherish Her Children
This one I have serious issues with. Unless she already had kids when you married her, they are your children too. And even if she already did have kids, you making the decision to become a part of all of their lives means that you should still be at a point of considering them your children as well - even if older kids or teens might have the issues adjusting to your relationship with their mother.

19. Choose Her Over Hobbies and Buddies
20. Provide for Her Needs
21. Dial Down the Anger
22. Cut Out the Condescension
23. Actively Seek Your Wife’s Insights
All of these are pretty sound advice, even if #20 seems to put the focus of 'providing' squarely on him. It's a joint effort, and you should both be looking out for the other in equal amount.

24. Learn to Forgive
This is a complex issue. If it's something that she did to you, then yes, you have to know how to forgive (and I'll quickly preface this by saying that not every kind of failing in a person's life is automatically a slight to their significant other, no matter what certain talking heads would have you believe). But I get the feeling this point is talking about more things than just that, and anything that doesn't apply to you is not your responsibility to forgive.

And here's the caveat, because letting something go does not mean you are 'forgiving' her. Like I said, if it wasn't done to you, you aren't in a position to forgive. But these sorts of revelations can still hurt deeply, in ways that almost feel like they were done to you. But they weren't done to you, and overcoming that hurt is completely up to you, not something you have to forgive her for.

It's easy to conflate the concept of letting it go with forgiveness, because in the case you do have to forgive, you also have to let it go. But there are situations when the only thing you have is what you choose to hold onto, and forgiveness doesn't enter into the picture at all.

25. Verbally Express Your Love
This goes along with the communication points.

 

[The Alley Cat]

(I literally LOL'ed at the bolded.)

I was thinking that I'd be the odd wife here. Glad to see you think similarly.

Hehehe... her gushing was seriously nauseous! Not to mention fake. I really feel sorry for women who feel they HAVE to kowtow and walk on eggshells around their husbands, as some sort of DUTY. I wish they knew how FREE they really are. He doesn't own you. He can't command you. Just as you should love him as he is, he should love YOU as YOU are, flaws, quirks, dreams, wishes, and all. I see a whole society of women losing themselves and becoming "wife" and "mom" and nothing else; and those aren't bad things in themselves, as long as the woman doesn't forget who she is and maintain her identity apart from her family. That's a conscious choice you have to make.

And I knew we'd think similarly I'm a pretty conventional, traditional person, but only when things make sense. If something just exists because "it's always been that way" or as a remnant of patriarchal oppression, then I'm pretty open to debate about it. Helps that I'm a very atypical woman to begin with A lifelong tomboy who's always gone against the flow.

 

[The Alley Cat]

Time to respond to the MEN'S LIST now *chuckle*. I love how the woman's list is to "respect" her husband, but his list is to "love" her.


Listen
To be truly heard is the longing of every human heart, and your wife is no exception. It sounds simple, but listening can be harder than it seems with so many distractions around us and within us. Set aside some time every day to look into your wife’s eyes and really listen to what she has to say. You may be surprised at what you hear. That's a nice one.

Communicate
Don’t make her guess what you are thinking or feeling. Indeed. Guys are masters of NOT saying what's on their minds.

Sing Her Praises
Shamelessly brag about her good qualities and quietly pray about her bad ones. Her reputation is your reputation. Um, what? I don't want my husband spewing gooey praises of me everywhere he goes. I want his compliments to be sincere, not forced or contrived. "My reputation is his reputation"? Huh? I think not. We're two separate people.

Pray For Her and With Her
Praying on your wife’s behalf not only enlists the help of the Almighty, but also puts her and her needs at the forefront of your heart and mind, right where they belong. Praying alongside your wife will strengthen your relationship like nothing else. Studies show that couples who regularly pray together stay together, enjoying a 1% divorce rate compared to the usual rate of 50% or more. This goes both ways, and I totally agree.

Value Her Individuality
Your wife is wonderfully unique. Don’t compare her to your mom, or your ex-wife, or your old girlfriend. Your mom may make the best chocolate chip cookies in the world, but unfavorable comparisons won’t win you brownie points. My husband has never done this, and I don't do it to him, either. Good advice for anyone you love.

Put the Seat Down
Perpetually raised toilet seats are a pet peeve of wives everywhere. And while you’re at it, tidy up a bit. A little consideration goes a long way. Yeah, it would be nice, but I don't make a big deal out of it. Open toilets gross me out (not just the seat, I want the LID down). I put it down when I'm in there. And "tidying up" the bathroom? Again, I don't make it a big deal. Choose your battles

Throw Your Dirty Clothes in the Hamper
It’s likely just a few steps from wherever you are dropping them anyway. Make this a habit, and it will let your wife know your don’t consider her your personal maid. *snort-laugh* Another nail on the head lol. But again, I don't really care that much. I'm not a personal maid because I rarely pick his stuff up. If he wants it washed, he needs to pick it up And he does!

Turn Off the T.V.
Lay aside the video games, pocket the iPhone, and shut off the computer, as well. It is staggering how many hours we waste gazing at some sort of screen instead of interacting with the real people in our lives. Consciously set limits on your tube-time, whatever form it takes. Use the time saved to invest in your marriage: take a walk with your wife or play a board game together instead. Marrying a techno-geek who also works online means that this is definitely something we need to keep on top of. I will say that Don has made amazing efforts to be off the computer once his work is done, and be all about family/couple time in the evenings. If the TV is on, we're usually watching it together. We have dinner together, take evening walks together.. it's all about your conscious choices.

Loosen the Purse Strings
We all have to keep an eye on our budget, but an occasional splurge can be well worth it. Seemingly frivolous things like flowers, jewelry, and overpriced restaurants let her know that she is more valuable to you than a number in your bank account. I kind of agree with this. Gifts aren't one of my love languages, so they aren't that big of a deal to me. I don't like flowers much, cause of my allergies, you have to water them, and they die in a few days. I'm not big on jewelry as gifts, I usually like to pick out my own stuff. A nice dinner out is fun, because it's also TIME together, not just him handing me some expensive thing. I'd much, much rather DO things together that take a little money, than collect "stuff" that will just sit on a shelf. Some girls thrive on gifts though, so bear in mind that my opinion only speaks for me Don and I always discuss major purchases or expenses together beforehand (except surprise gifts, of course), which I think all couples should do.

Practice Servant-Leadership
All organizations have a hierarchy. It’s impossible to function without one, but being a leader isn’t the same as being a dictator. The best role model is Jesus Christ, not Joseph Stalin. Jesus washed his disciples feet and then died on their behalf. It’s a challenge to exercise authority while maintaining a spirit of humility, but that is what being a godly leader entails. Nicely put.

Remember that Intimacy’s a Two-Way Street
Unfortunately, men are notoriously selfish in the bedroom, yet are dumbfounded when their wives are less than enthusiastic in this arena. Make this area of your relationship as pleasurable for her as it is for you and it will pay huge dividends. It may mean washing the dishes or helping with the kids, so that she has energy left at the end of the day. It may mean cuddling and candlelight, so that she can relax and let the worries on her mind drift away. If you aren’t sure where to begin, just ask her, and then listen. Exactamundo!

Give Her Time to Herself
Everyone needs an occasional break to rest and recharge, and this is especially important for a wife who is at home all day with young children. Yet it’s very easy to neglect this legitimate need unless you regularly and intentionally schedule time for it. This isn't an issue for me, cause I'm not tied down with a bunch of ankle biters all day (thank God), but I still need "me" time. As an INFJ introvert, I need to just sit and THINK on a regular basis, in order to maintain my sanity.

Set Aside Couple Time
Soak in the tub together each evening or go on a date night once a week — whatever gets the two of you alone on a regular basis. Soak in the tub together... OK that one made me laugh. Nothing like sitting in tepid water surrounded by mutual body soils to encourage romance. Heh... sorry Don and I both make "alone time" a priority with each other.

Be Careful with Female Friendships
We all have friends and colleagues of the opposite sex, but tread cautiously. Not all affairs are physical ones. Honoring your marriage vows means remaining faithful in thought and word as well as in deed. So glad this isn't an issue, either. I am excessively passionate about this topic. I personally don't believe married people should carry on "friendships" with single members of the O.S.

Use Good Hygiene
It is amazing how meticulous guys can be prior to marriage in their attempts to impress a girl, but once they walk down the aisle, all bets are off. Clean up a little; I promise it won’t kill you. Umm. Yeah.

Limit the Gross Stuff
Few women find burping and farting nearly as hilarious as the typical guy does. Good manners are always a win. I've pretty much given up on this one, living with two males lol. I can belch with the best of them, but some stuff... sigh... I just shake my head lol.

Be Patient
In whatever way this applies to you and your situation, apply it. So true. Goes for women equally!

Cherish Her Children
A mother’s bond to her children runs immeasurably deep. When you invest time or energy in them, you are investing in her as well. Kindness to them counts as kindness to her. Yeah, that whole "her" children thing, as if you just happened upon them and have no idea where they came from... *eyeroll* I get the guy's point, though, and he makes a good one. Aside from the inane heading, his comments are dead-on.

Choose Her Over Hobbies and Buddies
Invariably there will come times in your relationship when you will be forced to choose between your wife and something else that you enjoy. Always choose her. This rarely happens for us, thankfully. Neither of us entertain large circles of friends; we're each other's best friend and first choice. Once in a while our hobbies can compete for attention. Just speak up if you're feeling a particular need for his/her attention!

Provide for Her Needs
This is so much more than just putting food on the table. It is all-encompassing. Whether it is physical needs, emotional needs, spiritual needs, you name it — do your best to provide. Sometimes life’s circumstances hinder us in one area, but we can compensate in another area. Often the effort is as important as the outcome. True. Guys often think that if they're bringing home a paycheck, that's all their family needs. SO wrong. We need your time, attention, focus, love, energy, effort, notice. Bottom line: pay attention to your family

Dial Down the Anger
Your caveman instincts are handy on the battlefield, but horrible for a happy home life. Every outburst or flare-up is a relationship setback. To go forward, the first step is to stop going backwards. Learn to control your temper or it will control you, your marriage, and every other aspect of your life. Just because your wife puts up with it and your co-workers tolerate it, doesn’t make your short fuse an asset. Do whatever it takes to gain victory in this all-important struggle that has haunted man since Cain slew Abel. Great points. I grew up in a very volatile household, and I've seen the damage it can do on the entire family. I thank God that my husband does NOT have a violent temper; I wouldn't have married anyone who did.

Cut Out the Condescension
If you have been blessed with a quick wit, you can either be the life of the party or a pain in the neck depending on the circumstances. Condescension is anger’s younger brother. It isn’t as loud or as dramatic, but it can be equally hurtful and all the more so for its subtlety. Lay off the snide remarks, the sarcasm, and the belittling. Speak to your wife in the same way that you would speak to a respected colleague. She is, after all, your partner in the most valuable investment of your life — your family. Not an issue for us, thankfully. Good points, though.

Actively Seek Your Wife’s Insights
Value her input and give it a preferential place in your decision-making process. My hubby definitely does this. We work great together at talking and hashing out ideas and thoughts. I pray we always continue that <3

Learn to Forgive
Freely forgive your wife’s past, present, and future offenses. Forgiveness is at the heart of the gospel and at the heart of every meaningful relationship. Not an issue for us, but very important stuff.

Verbally Express Your Love
There are lots of ways to show your love, but women still like to hear it spoken. *Sigh* Yes. I can never hear it enough.

 

[lillivanilli]

I'm posting on my cell phone so I can't c&p the entire list. But, frankly it makes me feel that this reduces the woman to nothing more than a robot. A robot that cooks and cleans.

She does make some valid points but for a marriage to be healthy, each person must be able to be their authentic selves and the other needs to respect their partner for who they are. Puting on a fake smile while you're pretending his words are the most profound thing you've every heard is not being respectful. It's condescending. I know I'd resent that kind of false platitude if DH did it to me.

 

[Thunder Peel]

All of these articles make men look like nothing more than selfish, immature pets who are insensitive and incapable of doing anything for themselves. All we want is a woman to love and respect us for who God made us to be.

 

[The Alley Cat]

Tell us how you really feel, Thunder lol.

 

[mina]

I logged on just to answer this thread!
I don't like checklists; a person could still be doing all those things (either gender) and still be an abusive jerkface (either gender) but convince themselves that they are "respectful" because they are doing things on a list or measuring up to "respectful" because they can name things they do. Or "things" can be done with a completely disrespectful or resentful attitude. or someone could look at another marriage with this list in mind and judge someone else as not being "respectful" when they really have no idea. I often wonder at lists like these; is it directed at people who have no earthly idea on how to show respect? Just by living I think we learn how to be respectful or not; if you get married there is no switch you can turn on or checklist to fulfill that means that you are actually a respectful person or not towards your spouse. In marriage I want to make my spouse happy, make his life easier, be helpful, etc....Life is real and there are days when you both are not picture perfect, but it doesn't always mean you are being disrespectful.