18 Years of Marriage starting to get hard....now :(

[oneanddone]

It's not supposed to happen to us!! Highschool sweethearts, living in sin, became born again Christians at 22 had a bad experience with a SUPER LEGALISTIC church, but it did change us dramatically. Have had a pretty stable church home the last year (we just moved), but we go to different churches.

The problem is now we are entering empty nest age. Kids are older almost out of high school and while we are aware of how to keep a marriage going we are struggling to make ours fluid and easy. Much harder than we thought even with us knowing the pitfalls of empty nest syndrome.

We have fought more in the last 2 months than 15 years. We NEVER FOUGHT EVER!! IN the world we were worldly doing worldly things, as parents you wrap your life around your kids nurture, support, lift up, encourage, squeeze in some date nights, focus on your relationship with God, and us both having careers it was always so so so busy.

Now, we have more time and are finding we are VASTLY different people (which we knew), but maybe we didn't think we were this different.

I'm a very introverted she is very extroverted. She loves social, I would pick stay in or just her and I every time. Her family (I have none) has more time as well. For her it's FAMILY they are her blood, for me I just don't like them. I know I need to love, but smoking, cursing, drinking, elitist attitudes, atheist, and just blech I really can't stand being around them even if just for small talk. That goes over and above my natural tendency of preferring to be alone.

She has been crying a ton this week saying "How is this happening to us?" "We are getting so distant!!"

Then she get's sad which causes me to be sad. Then we aren't close and not intimate which adds more distance. By the time a week goes by and we get aligned again............it seems like it starts over again.

The bottom line is she wants me to be more social, to want to hang with her family, have fun (not for me), go to parties, and obviously I would rather give myself a shot in the arm with 10 needles then do that. Even when I go she knows I'm not having fun, so it seems like a lose lose.

Again, when we were younger it was always the kids, so vastly different. We are going to start praying together, having quiet times together in the morning, and try to find a hobby together......but this sucks!!

Happy Sunday to all btw!!

 

[Matthias Rose]

I'd love to write more on this, but don't have the time right now.

The short answer: find a good marital counsellor, suitably aligned to your faith, who can work with you on developing new tools of communication, and helping you deepen your intimacy. You are not alone in this stage of your life; it is a stage that will often result in divorce -- often because the man lets his restlessness draw him astray. It doesn't sound like that's your situation; but nonetheless, proactively developing a new and more intimate relationship will help resolve the superficial concerns as to what you do or don't do together as a couple.

 

[LinkH]

I've read that far less than 1% of married couples who pray together regularly get divorced. Are you doing that? How about having devotions with your wife every night?

It sounds like as empty nesters, the fact that you don't like to fill up free time with the same activities is a big problem for you two. Can she spend some time with her family while you do a quiet, introverted activity, like fishing or working on some kind of wood project, or whatever floats your boat? Is there some activity you can do together that you both like that isn't too social for you, like hiking, paddle boating, ping pong, etc?

I heard a sermon in church from a man who was either a marriage counselor or wrote a book on marriage. His field ad something to do with marriage. It's been several years so details are fuzzy. He told about how his dad retired and his mom wanted to sit with him and drink tea and talk. He was a quiet man and just sat there. She didn't feel like she was connecting. He said women make a lot more eye contact when they talk, and like to talk while drinking tea. Men don't look at each other as much. He suggested his parents go for a walk and talk during their walks. They did, and he opened up and started talking about all sorts of things as he looked at the scenery. It just fit him better. They both enjoyed their walks together. Maybe there are some activities you can do to enjoy your time together.

It's good to spend some time in prayer and confess sins to each other and pray for each other, too. Then you can talk about marriage problems, the need to pray together, be intimate again, do activities together you both like and be understanding of each other.

 

[Matthias Rose]

One-And-Done:

I work as a teacher of sacred sexuality, and intimacy coach (not a licensed marital therapist or couples counsellor!)

Let me just reassure you that your experience is not unusual! For years the life that you and your wife has shared as been consumed by the practicalities of managing a family. Suddenly, that is no longer the case. You each are free to pursue the lives that you have been yearning for. You have new and welcome access to peace and quiet. Your wife has new freedom to develop her social life.

Does this mean you are diverging in your paths? It does not need to!!

In addition to my first response -- get a good couples counsellor! -- here are some more thoughts that I have found to be helpful to others in your situation.

1. Non Violent Communication. I know this sounds like new age hippy stuff, but the simple fact is, it works. It's a book! Seriously, this practical way of communicating really helps resolve things that are ultimately superficial differences, while clarifying things that are actually real challenges to your relationship. Unfortunately, many people end up at sixes and sevens over exactly the wrong disagreements, while leaving the deep disagreements unaddressed entirely. Using the simple steps of non-violent communication, with or without a counsellor, you can deepen your understanding of the challenges you face.

2. Re-engage Physical Intimacy! This is a great time to rediscover your lover! Suddenly you have complete freedom to reconnect on a physical level without any distractions. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. God has made us sensual beings, and sharing our sensuality is crucial to harmony. This can go very, very deep. For couples of 15+ years of marriage, sexuality can seem like something you understand through and through. It's not! This is the right time to begin courting your wife again. Seduce her, as you did however many years ago. Put aside all disagreements for a moment or two and LOVE in all the ways that brought you together when you were so hot for each other that living in sin felt 150% right!

3. Give each other freedom with compassion. It turns out, you don't need to do everything together; you can each pursue the things in your life that nourish you. But! Even though you are not with her in her social engagements: take an interest in them. Stay in touch and interested in her world. And share yours with her. What are you doing when she is going to parties? Reading? Studying? Creating art? Share your world with her, too.

4. Ensure there is always common ground. You know venn diagrams? Two overlapping circles? You and your wife need some overlap. In the empty nest scenario, maybe you have sprung apart completely, two circles with no overlap. You both need to find a way to re-create that overlap, build and create in it, and increase it. A surprising amount of this can be done with physical intimacy alone! But it does need to be more than that. If your current interests have absolutely zero overlap (unlikely, but possible), create some new ones! Sit down and talk about dreams, wishes, wants. Create bucket lists of things you want to do before you die. Figure out what your interests are. If you were dating right now, what would you do to win her over?

5. Win her back. Every. Single. Day. Make no mistake, brother: if you are complacent, you can lose her. You can't kick back and expect the world to work out the way you want it to. This is true for you, and for every man who has ever married a strong woman. You need to win her over. A woman is not like God: she does not necessarily offer you unlimited grace. She wants to be desired. To be pursued. To be seduced. If you want to keep her, you need to win her. Every single day. That may sound like a lot of work. But if she's worth it, it's not only the most important work in your life, it's also fun. Lot's of fun.

6. Give 100%. Demand 100%. This is a pretty threadbare story: In marriage, each partner has to give 100%. But it's true. Here's the nuance: you don't need to give 100%, 100% of the time. You can't. No one can. Is smalltalk with her friends and family torture? Well, you can't do it all the time. But you can do it some of the time, and when you do it, I want you to give it 100%. On those occasions when you do go out with her, your goal is to make her proud that she brought you. Proud that she married you. This doesn't mean you need to behave yourself. Not at all. Just be yourself. If she loves you, she will see you being yourself and she will respect you for it.

7. Be honest. Look, the time for sugar coating things is long over. Let her see you you as you really are. You may be doing this now, and it may be part of the problem. But with all that I suggest above in play, it can become part of the solution. And, if this makes things worse? Well, if she can't love you, support you, be with you as you really are, as God sees you, then there are pretty deep problems -- deeper than mere levels of extrovert vs. introvert. Maybe they can be resolved (with the right support from the right marriage counsellor or pastor), or maybe they can't. As unthinkable as the alternatives might be, it's better to recognize them and think them through while you can still be level headed and rational about it, rather than filled with fury at a betrayal, or anguish, or grief, or electric-level frustration.

Hope this helps, my friend!

 

[Odetta]

We've been married 18 years, but we still have middle schoolers at home, so all I know about empty nest syndrome is rumor. But what you are experiencing sounds common from what I've heard (and I've heard the same thing happens when people retire). The other responders have given you some great advice, I think.

I sense a mindset in you that you really don't want to do things with your wife to encourage more closeness, even though you are claiming to ask for help in that area. Case in point: why do you two go to different churches? Having common church activities you do together sure does promote togetherness. Praying together at home is certainly going to be very beneficial. But you seem to have problems finding activities to do together. Church could be one of those activities. If it's something like you have one faith background and she has another, refusal to compromise on find a denomination you can both agree to would certainly add to the feelings of distance. The refusal part, I mean.

 

[Soyeong]

I completely agree with finding a good marriage counselor. Matthias Rose has given some good advice, but a marriage counselor is probably going to be better than most advice you get from random people on the internet. One thought I had was that it seems to me that you have more of a problem going to social events with her family than with going to social events with her, so maybe you should compromise by joining a different social group. For instance, you could join a new Bible study or some other activity that you both enjoy doing that would involve meeting new people. I just saw an advertisement for a camp for adults if that something you'd enjoy.

 

[Dave-W]

Why are you going to different churches?

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I agree with what alot of people said so far.

Through out marriage it will have its moments of ups and downs. I've met couples who have been at wits end and wanted to divorce almost but changed things around. Obviously this doesn't mean its just a "norm" and it will go away. Having kids changes your life, for many it creates stress. But after the kids leave some people forget how to go back to a married life of just the two of them and stress is created. I am curious why you both go to different churches? Are you the same denomination/same beliefs? That can be one of the issues already. It will be hard to grow as a christian couple if your not together at church. What about devotions and prayer? I'm not saying if you did all this things will be back to normal of course. Theres probably more to this. Try to rekindle the flame. Go out on dates again. Surprise each other. Maybe "try" new things in the bedroom.

The introvert/extrovert thing could be an issue of course. I'm a introvert and my wife leans more towards extrovert. But I still go out with her to events to be with her. Even if I am bored. Its best to show support. And I've found myself actually enjoying going out now. I'm not really that social still but its changing me for the best. Counselling is your best bet so you can find out what the biggest issue is and try to fix it.