Does anyone else do this?

Okay, this is hard to post, but...here goes.

As you probably all know by know, I've been struggling w/ depressive symptoms and suicidal ideation for quite some time now. I'm in the midst of getting help for this. I have never attempted suicide, but I have gone through the motions of attempts in a non-lethal way as practice (eg. wrapping a cord around my neck but not strangling myself w/ it, putting a pill in my mouth and taking it right out again, eating miniscule amounts of inedible yet unlethal substances). I've told professionals about this, but they have never seemed to take it very seriously. Am I the only one who "practices" attempts without actually attempting? I'm starting to become afraid of myself, and my parents don't take my illness seriously (my father doesn't know. He'd do something awful to me if he knew I was mentally ill).

Please help me. I really need some insight.

Rosa

__________________
"God so loved the world that he made up his mind to damn a large majority of the human race." — Robert G. Ingersoll

Rosa,

In college I used to go to the roof of the dorm and contemplate jumping. I tried faux over-doses, and I did the practice hanging... those "attempts" were cries for help. I didn't want to die. I still don't. I'm bipolar. I didn't know this then. It's only been in the last five years that I've found out and gone on meds. It's only been in the last 11 years since I became a Christian that the depression has even been manageable.

I still have to suicidal thoughts. They may always be with me.

If your doctor is not taking you seriously... you need a new doctor. If you can't find any professionals to take you seriously... keep looking until you do.

When I first thought I had a mental illness, I told a pastor. He said I didn't look crazy to him. Well intentioned... but not helpful at all. My prayers will be with you.


Laurel Crowned

Currently I only have really desirable thoughts for suicide (If I'm home alone and spot a pill bottle I'll look at it for 5 mins weighing the pros and cons). The thing is, if you honestly need help tell your doctor your feel depressed and if he does nothing then go to someone else because that's ridiculous.

Best of luck maybe one of us will make it out alive. !

Laurel,

I'm possibly on my way to becoming bipolar (according to my shrink). Maybe the behaviour I described is a characteristic of this condition?

__________________
"God so loved the world that he made up his mind to damn a large majority of the human race." — Robert G. Ingersoll

"Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acids stain you
Drugs cause cramp
Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful...
You might as well live."

-"Resume," Dorothy Parker

can't say i've ever practiced. had lots of experience gone wrong tho. tis why i kinda like the above quote. if ur T isn't taking u seriously, maybe its time to shop for another T, one who will take u seriously. cuz thinking suicide, let alone practicing it, is a danger to urself. if yo told your T tis, and she brushed it off as nothing, i dunno bout u, ut that would really make me wanna doit all the more t proof her wrong. at any mention of wanting/trying to hurt urself, its their legal job to get u to safety. i dunno how that works in canada tho. but, i've always been hospitilized for such acts.

if u are scared of what ur capable of, maybe it is time, u check urself in the ER urself, since ur T ain't doing her job. i know its scary, but this will pass... in the meanime, be good to urself, yea?

__________________

The Master: "You're dead!"
Buffy: "I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you."
The Master: "You were destined to die! It was written!"
Buffy: "What can I say? I flunked the written."
[Episode Prophecy Girl from Season 1]


Buffy: "So here's the part where you make a choice: What if you could have that power... now? In every generation, one slayer is born... because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule. I say my power... should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a slayer... will be a slayer. Every girl who could have the power... will have the power... can stand up, will stand up. Slayers... every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?"
[Episode Chosen from Season 7

Rosa,

If your doctor thinks you may be "on the way to bipolar" what is he/she doing about it?? The suicidal ideation is a sure fire give away that SOMETHING is not right. If you'd be interested in some info about bipolar I can give you some links to sites to learn more about it. If you are bipolar when you read info and other stories it will make your life make that much more sense. My doctor has told me that even on the meds I may always have the suicidal thoughts... only thing is, I am now sure that I'm never going to act on them and I never make any practice attempts.

You might also want to check out the forum here started by a person with Bipolar.

Questions: Why doesn't your father know? How long have you been seeing your current shrink?

My family didn't take me seriously at first either. Oddly enough, it was only when Oprah did a segment on it that my mom and older sister understood. As far as they were concerned Black people just didn't get mental illnesses.

I hope your Sunday is full of peace.

LC

Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acids stain you
Drugs cause cramp
Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful...
You might as well live."-"
Resume," Dorothy Parker

I haven't heard that poem since my college days when I did my practicing. I agreed with it... because at the heart of it all... I didn't want to experience pain... I just wanted the pain to stop. I didn't want to die. I wanted to live... as corny as that may sound. I just didn't want to live with the daily emotional pain... because that's not really living. It's merely surviving... and I want more out of life than that. Thanks for the reminder.

LC

I can't tell him, LC. He is abusive to me!

__________________
"God so loved the world that he made up his mind to damn a large majority of the human race." — Robert G. Ingersoll

No you arent alone..
But from my own experiences...That is what I did just before I actually started ATTEMPTING....and I have, admittedly more than once (some very recent)...So...I think maybe playing it out like that lets of some grief without actually hurting yourself, and it is a way of 'self-help'...but can def. lead to many more dangerous things...

:hugs:

__________________
Blood-stained brow,
He wasn't broken for nothing.
Arms nailed down,
He didn't die for nothing.

I don't understand why the health proffessionals that you are seeing are not taking this more seriously. This behaviour is dangerous....not because at this stage you intend to harm yourself, but because you are desensitising to what would ordinarily be seen as 'bizzarre' behaviour. the more natural and less alien this behaviour becomes, the more likely you are to become desesitised.

could you change therapist's?

__________________
"If you blow on a spark, it will glow; if you spit on it, it will be put out; yet both come out of your mouth " ~ Sirach 28:12