The Adventures of Bipolar Girl

In order to know who I am now... you need to know who I was... and see the road down which I've traveled. Along the way I've written my thoughts. Today I share them. If anybody anywhere can benefit from what I've been through, then my life has been enough. Lately, I've felt like a big failure... but God doesn't make failures. Read this first installment of my life journey... I hope it blesses you.


All great adventures must start somewhere. It is only in the telling and the re-telling that details get changed or left out… but the adventure itself is always great. The moments in time that it unfolded in can only be relived if someone takes the time to carefully unpack the baggage, remove the tissue paper;, and shake out each memory, carefully, and look at it intently, until such a time as it must be refolded and carefully packed away again. Each person who unpacks a memory takes a little piece of it away with them and adds it to their own storage of memories so that no two people can ever unpack the same thing… and therein lies the beauty of the adventure. For each person it is many things and anything… and with each telling and re-telling we grow.

The other neat thing about an actual adventure is the sheer spontaneity of it all. You can’t plan an adventure. It just happens as it will and the only true enjoyment comes from the acceptance of the fact that YOU CAN’T CONTROL AN ADVENTURE. It controls you.

Adventures are like that. So it’s no surprise that my adventure with Jesus often consisted of the completely unexpected. Ok. ALWAYS. My adventures with Jesus ALWAYS consisted of the completely unexpected. Just when I thought that I had the plot all figured out—Jesus would introduce a scene change that he hadn’t mentioned to me. I guess you can say that Jesus is like that. He likes to surprise me. That’s why I decided to pack my memories on paper and call it, “My Adventures with Jesus.” This was one adventure that I wanted to pack carefully so I wouldn’t forget anything. I also came up with what sounded like a really good one liner for the end of the story: The title is wrong. It’s not about MY adventures with Jesus. The focus of that title is all wrong. I’m not the focus. Jesus is. Jesus was creating the adventure around me and I was just along for the ride…. And what a ride it’s been… what a ride it is… what a ride it’s going to be!

Jesus himself is the adventure. He has to be the absolute coolest guy I’ve ever met and I’ve not had a dull moment since I met him. The day I opened the door of my life to him was the day he came into my life and promised me a freedom unlike anything I could ever imagine. To this day, I’m still having a truly hard time grasping just how incredible the freedom he gives me actually is. But it’s like electricity or gravity or mom’s apple pie—it doesn’t matter if I completely understand it or how it works or even how to make it myself… I’m just glad that it’s there.

Now bearing with me is going to be important. I have a tendency to digress and wander, but have you ever heard of a linear adventure? That just makes for predictability and predictability is boring. Jesus may be a lot of things, but boring is just not one of them.

Case in point about predictability: last night – New Year’s Eve? I stayed home to wash my hair. Boring? Predictable? Maybe. Maybe not. I’m watching a tv show that involves a murder with multiple suspects and no real leads. Then, AH HA! The butler calls the cops because he has “something to tell them.” Let me guess? The butler knows who the killer is?? When he heads for his car I think, “Okay Butler, you’re going to get into your car and it’s going to blow up.” I figured he’d never make it to the first commercial alive. After all, I’d watched enough tv as a child to be able to write the script for most of prime time television. Classic “kill off the butler scenario #96.” I watch expectantly as he gets into his car and…

DRIVES TO THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY????!!!!

Hey! No explosion? No Exit Stage Left??? Not even a spark or a punctured gas tank? Ok. I was wrong. Maybe I couldn’t write award winning scripts for nighttime tv. I continued to watch as his car nears the end of the driveway and KABLUE-EE!!!

The car bomb must have had a timer instead of being connected to the ignition. I guess I could still win an Oscar some day. I also guessed that the “butler didn’t do it.”

That movie made me think about predictable. “The predictable” is safe and easy to plan for and, well, BORING. Take alcohol for example. That’s boring. Believe me. Been there. Seen that. Drunk it. The drill goes something like this: Girl meets boy. Boy flirts with Girl. Girl and Boy date. Girl gets dumped. Girl drinks to drown her sorrow. Girl drinks some more. Girl gets so drunk that she spend hours puking up her soul and is nearly hospitalized for alcohol poisoning.

Extreme… but predictable. Thousands of high school and college kids… millions of people everyday get drunk for one reason or another (and everybody has their reason… only thing is that not one of them is original..) and they all usually end up the same way the next morning. They roll over and open gritty, bloodshot eyeballs as they contemplate their bruised stomach and pounding head while savoring that pasty, yuck-mouth feeling coating their tongues. If you stop to think for just a moment… Not only is the morning after boring and predictable, but it’s downright ugly. And thousands of high school and college kids… millions of people everyday do this for one predictably boring reason or another. I don’t know about you, but this doesn’t sound like an adventure to me.

I guess I only stared thinking about adventure today. Today I realized that Jesus is the adventure. One year from the day I met him I decided to go back to where we met. A beach on the island of Maui (all great adventures need exotic locations - - tropical island, a quaint cottage, your office… hey, even the ladies bathroom is an awesome on-site location when Jesus is in charge). Anyways—Jesus and I have a date and I’m pressed for time. At the last minute I almost cancel even though I know that he’ll be there waiting… patiently… for me. I figure that if I bail, he’ll forgive me - - he always does. He’ll still love me – he promised to love me forever. He’ll never leave me – no, he’d walk with me right into the next age. I was all set to forget all about him and go do something else…

Then I thought, “Wait. I love him too.” And figuring that no one has, or ever will, love me the way that he does, I got dressed and hauled my carcass to the beach. Talk about beautiful scenery. Kamehameha III Beach in Kihe’i, Maui… definitely Oscar material for Best Direction, Costuming, and Set Design.

As usual I don't have my lines memorized. I find that method acting is more my style. So I winged it. I just sat there on the rocks and talked to him. What he told me in return was SO cool... and absolutely none of your business.

It was then that I decided to call my story "My Adventures with Jesus." And it was a split second later that I thought up the one liner about the title being all wrong. (Remember-- it's never about what happens when I'm with Jesus. It's about who Jesus is and what He can do through me).

Anyways--

I'm walking back to my car and I see a woman. "Happy New Years" I say to her. I notice that her feet are bare and she walks shufflingly like her feet hurt of something. Her clothes are dirty and she looks lost. I figure it's time for a scence change and she's an extra or something. Y'know, put there by God as a bit player in my life to remind me of just how much I have to be thankful for. "Predictable," I think to myself as I walk on by.

"Do something," Jesus tells me.
"Must I?" I whine.
"And if so, what??"
"Her feet," Jesus says.

I knew then that I had to give her my exta shoes that were in my car. I hurry to get them and return to see her eating out of a garbage can. I pressed a ten dollar bill into her hands and turned away ready to rush off clutching the shoes (they didn't fit). She made me feel nervous and scared and sad all at once and I wanted to escape her suffering. Besides, I figured that I had done my good deed for the day. Time for a scene change or a commercial or SOMETHING.

But Jesus had other plans. I got about thirty yards away before he asked me to go back. I stood there with my back to her. Struggling. Wanting the safe and the predictable, not this detour into the unpredictable adventure of caring for a hurting soul. He asked me again to go back.

"Do you love me? Then feed my sheep." He didn't force me to-- Jesus will never force me to do anything. He'll just lay out choices and trust me. When I turned back to her, that's when I saw her fish a piece of cake out the trash can. My heart just about broke. "Jesus??!! I can't handle this. I've never done anything like this before. Help me! God, please help me."

And he did. Jesus and I spent the morning with her and it forever altered my way of thinking. It was absolutely incredible and, again, absolutely none of your business. Some things are best left between me and God. What really blows me away though, is that it was all so unexpected. Yesterday, I didn't even know that she existed. Today, she is all that I can think about. I pray without ceasing that she is packing her bag to begin her own adventure with Jesus even as I write.

Being with her set the tone for my entire day... and what a day it was. My first birthday as a Christian. A year ago today on a beach in Maui I met a man named Jesus who'd been waiting for me all of my life. I went back tho that beach today to me Him and He introduced me to her. Later, that same day, Jesus and I returned to the beach. This time I was with another woman he'd recently introduced to me. We, three, sat watching other people ushering in the new year with barbeque and beer... while we just sat enjoying the creation. We had an awesome time just talking about anything and all things. Jesus sure does have cool friends. She shared the amazing story of how she had begun her own adventure with Jesus. It was 100% unplanned, 100% awesom, and 100% ANB (absolutely none of your business-- you know the drill.)

To make a long story shorter, I'm here at home on my bedroom floor writing about today. What a day it was!! I pray to have many more days like this and even more that surpass it. Today, Jesus made my calling and election sure and boy am I excited! But even upredictable adventurers must sleep. So, for tonight, I bid you adieu. The curtain is closing or you screen is fading to black. Good night and God bless.

"Adventure's Log Date:"
-January 1, 1995 9:48 Pm Maui, Hawai'i

Life happened to the starry eyed adventure. Life continues to happen to her... and yet the Christ she loved and worshipped all those years ago on that beach on Maui... he's still the same.

Tonight I'm struggling with my own personal demons. The God who helped me back then is the God who will help me now. I need all the prayer support I can get.

Today is a new day. The road of my adventure has not been the joyful excitement I thought it would be. I've fallen into potholes, gotten lost through countless detours, and been stuck in major traffic jams while I relate to others people who are traveling down their own adventuresome roads.

My energy level today is definitely "less than." Asking "Why?" is pointless... asking "How??" makes sense to me. How am I to persevere through today? How can I worship and serve God today? Show me HOW Lord. I won't worry about tomorrow because TODAY truly has enough worries of its own. Show me HOW to face the trials in hope and faith... and love.

I can but hope that today ends better than it has started and that tomorrow is even brighter. Though he slay me... I will praise him. Come Lord Jesus come.

Praise God today was better than yesterday. I teach second grade. Talk about opportunity to learn how to be patient and loving... God met me where I was at today. The parents that I was having drama with... God smoothed over the potholes on that road.

Watching my little rugrats enjoy our Valentine festivities was just plain fun. Love?? It can't be contained in a little red heart-shaped box. God is many places... but in a box is not one of them.

No matter what tomorrow brings.. today I'm praising the Lord. The peace of mind that I feel right now-- it can't be bought. I'm not all bummed that I am single for yet another Valentine Day. The lover of my soul will meet me where I'm at.

Ok... seems like where I was at was asleep. I spent most of Valentine's Day catching up on the sleep I miss out on when I'm up in the middle of the night stressing during the week. I just felt peaceful. In between naps I visited this website. I REALLY love having this site as a cyber refuge.

I live alone in a studio the size of a habitrail. I'm not the world's most social person. I love to talk and I love to write... this place has become a haven for me. I haven't had a lot of responses to my other posts... but the ones that I have had make me feel less alone and more and more apart of the body of Christ. Thank you Lord for meeting me where I am at.

I can't wait to go to church today to be with people in real time! Normally, I just drift in and drift out... only talking to the few people I know. I don't hang around after the service. Today I feel like I want to step out of my comfort zone.

Comfort Zone...

Ok... so I didn't step really far out of the comfort zone... but I was a greeter today. I LOVE being a greeter. There's something about welcoming people into my father's house... that I am able to do it with joy, enthusiasm, and a large scoop of extrovert. One lady who I greeted at the door even stopped to say goodby and thank me for everything. She was on her way to catch a flight home... funny how something so little, like greeting her at the door could have made any kind of impact. She gave me a hug. How nice was that??

My Sunday Morning Small Group was good to be in too. We watched Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life video. I totally echoed what I experienced last week in terms of trying to connect with the body of Christ.

Now I'm home. Relaxed. After a week of up and down emotions... I'm enjoying hearing the gentle rain outside.

Stop the Train! I Want to Get Off

Even the best of adventures or searches for treasures have hair raising episodes where you relly gotta' wonder WHY you ever signed up for the job in the first place. Take the movie "Star Wars" for example. Luke thought it was totally cool to be an elite warrior. Everybody knows that the guy in the uniform always gets the girl. He wanted adventure and justice and all that jazz. So he ends up learning about "The Force" from some little bald dude in a swamp. To make matters worse, he ends up fighting his own father, who, just happens to be the most evil guy in the galaxy. Add this to the fact that he not only doesn't get the girl, but she ends up being his sister... and you've got the makings of a really bad hair day. I'm sure Luke wondered why he'd even gotten out of bed in the beginning of the movie. Stop the train! I want to get off!

Walking with Jesus is sometimes like that-- atleast it is in the first few years. For myself, I can only speak of the first year and a half, because that's how long my adventure with Jesus has been going on. Sometimes, NOTHING works out the way I want it to -- my plans fall through; I get bogged down in worry; my temptations get the best of me and I feel... "less than."

I somehow thought that all adventures were jammed packed with exciting stuff to write home about-- with never a hair out of place; proper lighting and stage make up; and a stunt double to do all the really hard stuff. As I began my adventure with Jesus, I realized that "exciting" is an attitude. When things are going my way, my attitude is great: What an adventure! Shiver me timbers and all that jazz! So what if I have to tote that bale and life that barge-- I was working for The Kingdom, and all was right with my world. Those were the "good hair days." I felt like a true Christian.

I don't know when I had my first "bad hair day," and I'm sure I haven't seen my last... but it probably went something like this:

Hey! Who put that trial there?! What do you mean the check bounced??! I just sinned-- What kind of Christian am I??!! Oh no, the bible says I'm to love my neighbor. I don't even LIKE the guy-- his pitbull ate my poodle. How will I ever master this Christian walk stuff??? God?? Please help me!!!!... thank you Lord.

Or maybe your bad hair day went something like this:

Don't worry??? How can I NOT worry??? There's so much to worry about. I don't want to go to work-- is it a sin if I call in sick? God please help me!! Boy, I'm so depressed and lonely. Why is this happening to me?? No, officer, I DON'T know how fast I was going. Jeez, I let you down Lord, those Jehovahs came to my door and I didn't have a "ready defense." The Church Lady woudl have known what to say. I'm failing at the Christian walk stuff. God?? Where are you??

Then of course, there's "Old Faithful:"

Ow! My stomach hurts and the doctor doesn't know what's wrong. God?! Are you listening?? How come I feel so spiritual on Sunday, but turn into a sinning slug by Tuesday night? I just don't have time for devotional today, maybe I need more faith. My dog got sick. I guess God is punishing me for something. God? I'm sorry. Please make it all stop! The medication cost how much???!! Doctor, you can't be serious... I've never been sick a day in my life... a lump? Are you sure?? Why me God? Why me?!!

Then there are those days you just can't bear to face:

Your mother's sick... she's not expected to recover... God!!! I don't even know if she's saved. Lord, please, just one more chance to talk to her... to witness... Lord. You let her die. Why Lord? Why? Stop the train! I can't take much more. I want to get off....

Some days can seem really black and lonely... if you let them. You've take all you can take and you're weary. You wanna' to quit. The game is NOT going your way. You're not even sure what game you're playing. Sometimes, I feel like I'm playing a cross between "Risk," "Chutes and Ladders," and "Life." Other times, it feel like a cross between "Jeopardy" and "Trivial Pursuits" with a little bit of "Let's Make a Deal" tossed in the middle. The music's playing; the question's been asked. I make the wrong choice... and instead of a trip for two to Acupulco, I get the menopausal donkey with a skin condition. STOP the TRAIN! I WANT TO GET OFF!!!

The only comfort is in knowing that I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way-- no, my feelings are commong to man. I'm sure of it. But that doesn't make them any less scary, it just makes them a little more bearable. Sometimes, I just want to stop. That's when I have to ask,"Stop, what?" Right after that is when I know the comfort of not being the only one. Somewhere... out there... somebody else wants to stop too. That's when I start to think about attitudes.

That's where the attitude can make or break you. Jesus doesn't promise to wrap you up in cotton to insulate you from the world and its troubles. He promises to be there with you through the trials. He promises you that there will be trials, but that He has overcome them. He promises that your boat will make it to the other side. Even when he doesn't seem to be with you or aware of your struggles, he is. He's right there where he's always been.

In the end, "The Force" was with Luke and good triumphed over evil. But when you get right down to it... THAT WAS A MOVIE! It had all the right lighting and stage make-up... and stunt doubles to do the really hard stuff. There are no risks in Hollywood adventures. That's where the train stops. That's when you realize that the train never even existed. It's a stage prop that is probably rusting on a backlot of MGM Studios even as I write.

The Christian walk?... now that's the real adventure. It's jammed packed with risks. Take that fisherman for Bethsaida for example -- he really knew how to walk on the wild side -- or the wet side, depending on who's telling the story.

One day, he and some of his buddies go out in a boat. Nothing special about that-- they were just going to the other side. They'd probably done it a hundred times. The only thing that separated this particular trip from all the others... was.. a miracle. Peter and his buddies saw Jesus walking on water! Now this isn't impossible if your name just happens to be GOD, but it scared the disciples silly. Yet, Peter, adventurer that he was, asked the Lord to call him out onto the water.

Jesus said, "Come," and Peter did. A regular old Joe did what is impossible for regular old Joe's-- Peter walked on water. As long as he kept his eyes on Jesus his path was true and sure. Major adventure, huh? Could his thoughs have been something like this:

So John, WHO did you say was the disciple that Jesus loved best? Look Ma, no boat! This is SO cool. The Lord must really love me to let me walk on water... WALK ON WATER!???

Peter needed a major attitude adjustment. It came in the twinkling of an eye. "Lord, save me." Peter remembered that the Lord saves. He put his eyes back on Jesus, and the Lord, who had never really left him, heard his cry and answered him. Peter learned a valuable lesson about choice that night. He could choose to trust or he could choose to worry.

I've found that I am a lot like Peter. I make the same kinds of mistakes and get caught up in the same kinds of worry. I take my eyes off Jesus and I begin to sink.

Anyone who has ever started to sink can verify that it is a totally uncool experience. For all our sakes, I wish that I had a simple answer as to how to avoid the waves. Unfortunately, I don't. As a matter of fact, I'm being knocked by some ways righ now... and even though I KNOW that Jesus is with me and will come and save me, I'm focusing on the waves.

But you know what? No matter how hairy these trials get, I will persevere, because when you get right down to it, where else would I go? Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

Once, he asked his disciples if they were going to turn away from him, and Peter asked, "To whom would we go?" He got that attitude adjustment he so badly needed. Jesus is the only way to go.

Sure, some days of my walk are better than others. I'm human. I make mistakes. I fall into sin. I worry... the only reason Jesus told us not to worry is because he knows we worry about everything given the opportunity. Y'ever wonder why Jesus never gave a sermon about "Why You Shouldn't Eat Dirt" or "Why You Shouldn't Stick Your Tongue on a Pipe in the Middle of the Winter?" Because most people only need to do these things once before they get the point. Worry is different.

I worry. A LOT. Most people do. Then once I get good and worried, I get worried about the fact that I'm worried, and get sick with the worrying!

Jesus didn't tell us not to worry to stress us out.

I think that by telling us not to worry, he was acknowledging that he knows we worry and that worry is bad for us. If we turn to him, we don't have to worry. No, my walk with Jesus hasn't been trouble free. It hasn't even been worry free. Sometimes, it's not even fun. But it's real.

The lighting is not always right... the costumes are sometimes lacking, and some days, all the stage make-up in the world isn't going to make a dent in how I look or feel. And there in NEVER a stunt double around when I really need one. Sure, "The Force" was with Luke and the battle was won, but when the smoke cleared and the light sabers were put away... they started to roll the credits and the ushers directed people towards the exits!

Star Wars was fun! It was a great adventure! It had everything... but it wasn't real.

Maybe, I'm not explaining myself very well. Maybe... there's no way to explain it. Maybe.. you just have to live it. My life is far from perfect, and if you're honest, your's isn't either. Sometimes, things start happening in my life and it seems like I have absolutely NO control. I panic and I scream, "Stop the train! I want to get off!" But when you get right down to it... where would I go? Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life... without him I might as well go sit on a backlot at MGM Studios and dream of adventures that aren't real.

I could go on... but I won't. You either understand what I mean or you haven't got a clue. You're either on God's train or you're not. If you're on it.. take courage-- you are not alone. If you've gotten off the train, that's ok too. It's allowed. As soon as you are ready to get back on, just say the word. Jesus will slow it down for you to get back on board. If you're not on the train or your stuck on a Hollywood prop... it's never too late to yell, "Stop the train! I want to get on!"

Your adventure with Jesus will have many risks and hair raising episodes where you'll wonder why you ever signed up for the job in the first place. It won't always have the perfect lighting. Your make-up will often smear and run... and things won't always go your way.. but you'll find that being with Jesus is real... and being real speaks for itself.

Tonight is one of those nights where I just want to stop the train. The day started out really nicely... my best friend and I spent the day in Napa... just having a good time at Coppa. We ate a really nice gourmet lunch... half the stuff on the menu I couldn't even pronounce let alone identify. We had fun touring the museum and watching the lectures on chocolate making and wine tasting...

So how did I end up at this fork in the road??? Talk about letting my sins get the best of me. When I was typing Part 2 earlier today... I felt good. Like a good little Christian girl. I only had a few hours left of today... and still sin found me out. I could have just turned the lights out and gone to bed... happy with the way today had transpired.

But no. I have to turn on my computer and go to a porn site. All the reasons why I shouldn't flashed through my head. Things that I'd read on this very site. Last week I feel headlong into the porn because my life felt out of control... I was in the midst of a bipolar episode and I didn't see an end to the depression. After a year of living porn free... I jumped into it eyes open and FELT NO GUILT. I felt like the worst possible person. In the past I always felt bad... but I didn't feel guilt because I was so depressed and my life seemed such a mess. If God wasn't going to give me the gift of celibacy I wasn't going to fight my inclinations any more.

That was a week ago. In that time I cried out to God and he started drawing me closer to the body of Christ, both at my church and by leading me to this site. I have been able to be totally honest with who I am and what I struggle with... I started to feel so much freedom. I wasn't ashamed after more than 2 decades of being ashamed.

I spent so much time on CF this past week that I didn't have time to visit porn sites... and I have NO idea why I went to one tonight... I didn't immediately feel any guilt. I asked God why I didn't feel any guilt... and then I just knew that I needed to come to CF. Once more I was at my computer... but this time... I felt the guilt. I KNOW that what I did was sin. And my hair day couldn't get any worse than it already is. I love the Lord more than I can say... so why isn't his love for me enough? Why do I look to something so very very wrong to fill this void??

I am so lonely... and I don't want to spend my life alone. Because I'm bipolar I don't want to have children. I'm taking myself out of the gene pool... because I can barely handle my own baggage I hesitate to every try to think about being in a relationship. Eventually it would fail and I would just crack into a million little pieces.

God? I'm so tired. When is it all just going to stop? I know I need an attitude adjustment but for the life of me I lack the strength to pray for it...

As soon as I finished typing the last entry I got an email from a person I served with as a missionary. He made a link for other people that did the Discipleship Course on the ship back in 1995. At first, I didn't even want to look at the site because it hurt so badly to leave the mission field in 1998.

God, I KNOW that I needed to leave the mission field. I was never going to have my bipolar disorder diagnosed there... but why an email about the ship tonight of all nights? It just reaffirms just how far I've fallen and just how badly I've failed you. I was actually using my writing when I was aboard the ship. Ships' Journalist Father? People all around the world were reading my writing. I was using the gift that you had given me to touch people and then I lost it. I failed.

I've just been floundering here Lord. Teaching? I'm so not cut out to be an elementary school teacher. Hearing what my former missionary friends are doing was like a knife in the heart. God?? I know you hear me. Help.

Being real means making mistakes and admitting it. Today I was unnecessarily harsh with one of my students. After I sent him away I felt so remorseful. I found him crying in the cubby room. This child is ALWAYS crying... but this time my heart was different. I asked him could I pray for him. This child goes to my church... so not only am I his teacher... but I'm his big sister in the Lord.

God? I made a big mistake with this child... and I've been responding in anger to his emotional needs/tantrums rather than having the compassion you would. Please show my heart how to beat for this child. Please use me to meet some of this child's needs.