| That's enough.
It's me again, for all you who cared. That's all I have the energy to say right now, I'm so messed up, mentally exhausted, etc etc. I'm still struggling with the mark of (can't even type it... I shudder to think about it) found in Revelation. It's been a full year now, I think, since the temptation first arose, and ever since it's been a living hell. Your prayers and support helped so much the first time, and for the longest while I was completely devoted to God, serving Him, loving Him, and praising Him for everything He is and was and will be. I was even being called by Him, I think to a missions field in England, but these thoughts... they took over... and I just can't stand it anymore. I thought I could, I let God bear the burden, but I've just slipped up so many times, I've had the most horrible thoughts, and I just don't think I can bear living like this for another moment, much less for the rest of my life. I've followed all the advice I could find: "Concentrate on God, concentrate on Jesus, forget about what you might do, focus on what God wants you to do", but it's lost effect. Every time I look to Jesus Christ, I feel stupid and unclean and traitorous. Every second is a living torment, full of lies, and whispers, and temptations, and impulses to sin, to turn away from God, and no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I pray and praise and read God's Word, my soul just keeps ebbing away, like an ocean tide that never fully swelled to its greatest reaches before it was pulled away. Every second, even as I write this, is full of torment and mental anguish, of doubt, and questioning, and sin, and rebellion, and sorrow, and fear, and every type of misery and stupidity and foolishness that I could have ever imagined in my walk with God before I started having these thoughts.
No matter how hard I try, nothing can free me from this torment. I try to lean on God, but I just keep doubting, and the sin takes over my mind. I try to repent, I'm constantly repenting, constantly praying, constantly crying out to God to save me from these trials, but I just can't take the lies anymore. Lies, temptations, I know that they are false, but my accursed, stupid, useless, worthless flesh keeps pulling me into sin. Every single stupid time I get back in my walk with God, something pulls me away. My soul becomes restless, I look away from Christ for one moment and I'm thrown into a flurry of temptation, and thoughts, and accursed thoughts. I feel completely cut off from God. I don't know what it is that does it, but I always end up doubting, I always end up falling away from God, every single time. Very frustrating, to find salvation and promptly lose it. I know that you have all been through similar trials, but I don't think you have any idea what it's like to have God, then lose Him, and want to go back, but you can't. You have no idea. I know He's there, and He's calling me back home, but it just seems like every prayer that I send to heaven hits an iron curtain and falls flat on my feet.
It's gotten so bad that I can barely tell what's right and wrong any more. I try to repent, but.. it's like, I don't have the will of God in my heart, sometimes I can't understand what makes people want to do good, until I repent and get a small glimpse of God's glory before a curtain of sin and doubt is pulled over it, and I am thrown into trial again. I try and I try, and I try to repent, but my soul fades with every passing moment. I cry out to God every day to kill me, take me home to heaven now so that I don't fail Him, screw up, and backslide all the way to hell. The worst part is, every time I go to Him, a small tug of doubt sets in, and I just fall farther away from God than I became closer to Him.
Nothing works anymore. Prayer, repentance, it seems like it's hitting a brick wall. My cries to God continue, and He gives me small encouragement through His Word, but I just keep falling away. I can't take this anymore. I try to keep my eyes on Jesus, and all I get is misery. Why? Why?! All I can ever ask now is "Why?". I feel like these are my final days, my final days before my flesh takes over, and I rebel, and go to hell, and it kills me with every passing moment. Anything sets me off, trembling, crying out to God, and straining my mind 24/7 to try to find Him, and I just can't. I can't find the God that I loved, that I served, that I cherished time with. I feel so lost. I feel like I am worse off than when I wasn't a mature Christian. I know that that mentality is in no way logical or good, but at least I loved righteousness back then. At least on the day of my salvation, when I knew barely any Bible verses, at least back then I could lean on God and everything would be all right. Now... nothing. My soul keeps slipping back. I hate myself. I hate myself for going away from God, I hate myself for losing the flame, and I hate myself for sinning, and... nothing works. It's not the same as it used to be... every time I think I find Him again, I rejoice, but fall away, and find emptiness and sorrow.
Once I had eternal life in Christ, once I had treasures stored up in heaven, once I had a passion for God and righteousness. Every time I think of how I used to be, I get all nostalgic and the Spirit is stirred within me, for that one or two seconds before I am pulled away. Now what do I have? The scattered pieces of a beaten, shattered faith that ebbs with every day. I try to put the pieces together, I try to do good and find God, and I can't even begin to start. I try to let God put the pieces back together, because only He can, but all I get is doubt and fall away again. I'm so sick of this endless cycle, and all it can end in is destruction, misery, and death. I just want to leave everything, curl up in a corner, die, and apologize to God, then hope that He might have the mercy to allow a foolish, rebellious idiot like me into His heaven. I try to go to God, but all I get is doubt and evil. I don't even have a life anymore. Even if I did, without God it all crashes down in a stupid little heap that makes me wonder why I ever sinned or went against God's will at all. I even doubt that God is good, even when His Word tells me over and over the exact opposite: that God is good on every level. Why can't I find Him? If He is everywhere, where did He go when I needed Him most, when I need Him to sustain me and bring me home?
I know that God says that He will not tempt you above what you are able to handle, but I feel like I've gone past that point. As far as I know, I'm on the edge of the ultimate faliure, and all I can do is doubt and sin. I really just need to die. The world can do without another fool, and I feel like more of a burden to God than I'm worth. If suicide wasn't a sin, I'd be out of here. I'm in no humor to kill myself, don't worry. God has work for me to do here on Earth, even if I fall away. I don't want to. I love God. So why can't I love Him? The Holy Spirit is the only thing that's keeping me alive, and I even doubt and rebel against Him, the only One who cares about me. What a fool I am. I don't even know why I spent 25 minutes writing this. I'm nearly beyond help. I guess I just need to tell this to someone, or maybe I'm hoping that someone will say "Everything's going to be o-kay!", even though I know it's not. I don't know what I want. I just want to get out of here before I do something stupid. I just can't take this endless torment. I'm even being tempted right now, I can't get rid of it. I hate to even think about thinking it. Every time I try to repent, my heart hardens, and I fall farther away from God. Doubts flood me about repenting, and I can barely think. My mind is completely exhausted. I just can't do anything anymore. I could care less about medications or A.D.D. I could go on all the medications and treatment plans in the world, but nothing would help my anguish. I could be depressed, I could be bipolar, I could be obsessive-compulsive, I could have down syndrome for goodness sake, and I could care less. I really don't care about my state of mind, or my state of body, or anything. All I want is God.
Tell me: what is life worth if it is not lived for God's glory? Do you really think that me living would do any good for God? All I can see in my future is faliure, and sin, and doubt, and misery. There is hope for your future, says the Lord. What about me...? I feel completely cut off from God. All that is keeping me with God is God Himself, and I praise Him for that right now, but it seems like my faith has fallen face-first in the dirt. My desire to do good is almost gone. My love for God has turned to fear and doubt. Lies, temptation, hideous things permeate my skull. All I have to hope for is God, but I suppose that faith in God is enough. It ebbs every day. This is beyond "spiritually running on empty". This isn't even starting. It's more like an engine that started up, stalled, and just can't start up again, no matter how much gas you put into it. I can't stand it. I wouldn't mind just having my entire mind erased right down to the level of intelligence that is needed just for bodily functions so that I don't screw up. I would be perfectly content to cease being a sentient creature and become a vegetable. As long as it's a godly veggie. A born-again godly veggie that's going to heaven. My memories aren't even worth remembering. All they bring is sorrow, that I could have lost my faith so easily. Everything else is vanity.
Well, all I can say now is:
Help. God? Anyone? So far, all I've found in my trials is that God is good, and my life is not worth living, even though I have to carry on anyway. My memories aren't worth remembering, my present state of mind is not worth thinking, and all I can see in my future is misery and death. I really can't figure out why I still exist. I'm just not worth it, any of it. Life, the universe, and everything. I'm just not worth it anymore, not without God. Just a shell, just a useless burden to God. What a fool I am. Please help... I don't know how you could, but please do...  |
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