damaged goods

i'm supposed to be getting ready to go out. but as usual i'm having a hard time putting that 'everything is ok' mask on.

cuz nothing's ok. nothing ever was ok. nothing ever will be ok.

i can eat normally, i can do away with the hurting myself scene, i can pretend i'm better. but inside i know i'll always be damaged goods.

my best friend, my only friend i really ever had, someone i could confide in, treats me like my father does.. and it hurts, cuz again this was a man i had trusted, and he took that trust, and has used it against me.

i feel... used and abused.

what made a perfectly good christian, turn on me like that? i just don't understand. i'll never understand, why it is this continueously happens to me. why do i attract slime? do i have a sign on my forhead that allows these ppl to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] think they can run my life and walk all over me?

hurt me..cuz thats all i'm good for. i'm just a toy.

i'm just damaged goods, and thats all i'll ever be.

i have to see a cardiologist next week. my doctor suspects, when i was using ipecac and starving, that its ****ed up my heart. i'm eating normally now, and fattening up like a ****ing heifer, but that don't do a bit of good, i've already ruined my heart.. now its just worsening.

my scars. i havent self injured since christmas. which is really good for me. but my scars...they'll always be a reminder of how dirty and disgusting i am. i'll always have that visual reminder. ppl in my lab class have seen em. no-one asks, and i don't tell. but i'm sure i'm known as the freak. the [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse].

one girl, who hates me, she's always making snide remarks. she came into class with a magazine, with my picture and had asked me if it was me. since then she's hated me. i have the lowest weight in the class, and its always fluctuating. ppl are starting to make jokes that i have a eating disorder. heh..if they only knew how right on they were. but this one girl, she really pounds it on me. if i come in class eating cake, she'll yell outloud better watch out, shawna's bout to run to the bathroom. *****.

i don't like to hate ppl..but she is really started to p.iss me off.

last week i stayed as far from the instructor as possible. but no matter how busy i'd act, or be, he'd make me someway or another come see him. i've given up. just let the ****er use me. i'm just a toy. time n time ppl have proven that to me again.

i've just had enuff.

it just seems this **** is never ending. i must deserve it, cuz it keeps happening. God don't love me, i'm unlovable.. thats why he allows it.

at nite when the rest of the world is sleeping, i sit down, and try to hold back tears..but i can't. they fall, like rain, every night.

i get to thinking why do i even bother trying to get better. my whole life i;ve done nothing but destroy myself. here i am 20 yrs later trying to put the pieces back together again. its just useless. why get better? whats the use..

why does God allow this? the answered why...
he hates me just as everyone else does.

i'll always be damaged goods.
put me out of my misery

__________________

The Master: "You're dead!"
Buffy: "I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you."
The Master: "You were destined to die! It was written!"
Buffy: "What can I say? I flunked the written."
[Episode Prophecy Girl from Season 1]


Buffy: "So here's the part where you make a choice: What if you could have that power... now? In every generation, one slayer is born... because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule. I say my power... should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a slayer... will be a slayer. Every girl who could have the power... will have the power... can stand up, will stand up. Slayers... every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?"
[Episode Chosen from Season 7

Oh Sweetie ,

I'm so, so sorry you feel this bad. I know what you mean by putting a mask on. I do it too. I'm really sorry to hear your friend has broken your trust. That's one of the worst things in the world, to have your trust broken. A couple of things:

1) Are you getting help for the eating disorder (I forgot what your post said about this)? If so, please consider it. This is a very serious matter.

2) You are NOT disgusting. I have a friend who has scars from self-injury. I don't think she is ugly-looking or disgusting. Just hurt, that's all. If the scars really distress you that much, you might want to look into getting surgery to reduce their appearance.

3) You want to know why God is doing this to you. He's not. Satan hurts people, not God. Unfortunately, some of the people you come into contact w/ sound like they take their cues from the Evil One.

I can't write more at the moment (pressed for time). I just wanted to give you some encouragement. PM me if you want. We can talk some more about this.

God Bless You!
Rosa

__________________
"God so loved the world that he made up his mind to damn a large majority of the human race." — Robert G. Ingersoll

sorry I have nothing to say. I suck with words. You know where to find me if you need me.

I am sorry to hear about your pain. I will pray for you. Always remember that the devil is the author of negative thoughts. I would give some more advice, but I'm not in the best psychological state myself. Blessings and Love, Jarhar

Urban, I understand. It hurts. I had a tough time when I was in high school and college, too.

It's true: abuse changes the way we perceive ourselves, and the way we perceive ourselves really makes a huge difference in the way we present ourselves, and people do pick up on it. But it also has a way of shaping the way we perceive *others*.

Here's what I did when I was a kid and had a couple of physical ailments at that time that the other kids didn't understand, and they made fun of me: I would look at them quietly, gently, and not say anything for a minute. Really let silence get their attention. And then I'd say very quietly, with compassion for them, "It's by the grace of God you're not the one who has to go through this. I'll pray for you, that you never have to. I wouldn't wish it on you."

And then I'd quietly look at them until they looked away. When I did this, I never had a repeat performance of the lashing out, which is usually a sign of insecurity on their part.

I know I've told you this before, but there are ways you can regain control, even though you don't feel like it right now, or see how. There will come a day when you will see yourself not as dirty or disgusting, but as broken. And when you find a way to have the same compassion for yourself as you have for others, you will be able to turn around and heal so many others who are suffering from this. And then the pain will either go away or be far less intense.

__________________

thanks ya'll.

nothing really u can say. it won't fix anything. same **** diff day. i'm sorry for repeating same ole same ole, tho.

meh.. this should been in my journal. i think i meant for that, just a lil bit scatter brained. i'm sorry.

i better shut up 'fore i apologize again.

just sad..

__________________

The Master: "You're dead!"
Buffy: "I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you."
The Master: "You were destined to die! It was written!"
Buffy: "What can I say? I flunked the written."
[Episode Prophecy Girl from Season 1]


Buffy: "So here's the part where you make a choice: What if you could have that power... now? In every generation, one slayer is born... because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule. I say my power... should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a slayer... will be a slayer. Every girl who could have the power... will have the power... can stand up, will stand up. Slayers... every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?"
[Episode Chosen from Season 7

'Faerie, I disagree. I truly believe there is a beautiful and glorious You, locked up deep within yourself. She is there. And she is alive.

We will bring her out. Alive.

__________________

Join the club, I'm damaged goods too. Most of us are and have problems. When you accept it and move on with your life you will grow as a person.

desi...there's more to this story than you may be aware of. It just isn't as simple for urbanfaerie as just accepting things and rolling on.

__________________

Not accepting them and staying where she is is always an option too.