Peaceblossom's Paradox

Salutations!!!

This is my first time on this site. I didn't know that this place exsisted until a friend told me about it. But I must say that I am pleased with what I am seeing thus far. So I am moved to create my own little place here in hopes of meeting more people that I can fellowship with regardless of location.

One of the hardest things about my journey as of recent has been finding people who I can relate to about God who are in my age group. What I've found harder is being a young, single parent while trying to walk in faith of God and making an effort to live by his word. I'm more than sure we know that it's not easy and no one ever said it would be. But after being sent to service, then being forced to go, to going on my own free will, I know that God is ever present in my life and he's keeping me here for his own reasons.

I know this may sound strange, but I find excitement in the fact that he's giving me the chance to get closer to him while discovering new things about myself and how I interact with people.

With all of that said...thank you for reading my ramblings...welcome to the rollercoaster that is my life...and I very much look forward to meeting some of you very soon. Blessings to all!!

Later Days,
peaceblossom

Ok, the past 2 days have been quite a reminder that I need to stop complaining and count my blessings. I just completed my course study in Network Information Systems and I am scheduled to graduate this spring. I am very excited and equally terrified about what I should do next. This is one of the times where I'm sure God wants to slap me across the head and say "HELLO...REMEMBER ME?!?!" But being the human that I am (which is really no excuse), I gave into complaining and worrying yesterday about a few things. One being my taxes, the other being my employement at my school. I filed my taxes yesterday (after worrying that I wouldn't get anything back), only to see that I was getting back more than I ever expected. While finishing my tax preparation my school called me with another job offer. I was interviewed today and I got the job. I can't thank God enough for his blessings and mercy. He's constantly showing me how great he is and how much I should work harder to keep my sights on him....later days...

Hi!!
Yesterday was a sad day. My roommates cousin committed suicide the day before. What's bothering me is that I know what God's word says about taking your own life. I can't say that I knew what was going on with Michael, but somehow we knew that something wasn't right. But when you don't see someone as often as you would like, you can never really place your finger on the exact issue. He never really seemed to be overly happy but I thought that it was just his way. I pray that God grants his family peace and that they can find a sound way of coping with this lost. As for Michael...I really don't know what to say except that I'm so sorry.

I've been trying to make decision on what to do about a trip for a month now. A few of my friends want to take a trip to Las Vegas in February. In my head there are all kinds of red lights and stop signs that are telling me not to go on this trip. But being the fool I am, I've been trying to come up with good reasons to go; I haven't been anywhere in about 2 years, it would be nice to see my friends and hang out..blah blah blah. Anyways, this morning I finally decided that I will not go. I like my friends but I don't think it would be a good way to spend my time. I mean one: I'm not a gambler and two: topless bars and smut aren't my cup of tea. What else is there to do in Vegas anyways?? In the meantime I've found a great deal on a desktop computer so I figure that would be a practical means for me to spend my money: it's something that I do need right now and it can allow me to come to this site more often rather than waiting until I arrive at work to use the net. *sigh* I miss my laptop so much....but that's another story all together...later days

Heh, this evening I remembered something that I asked of God: to remove the things that are hindering me from being the person that he wants me to be. It hit me like a ton of bricks about 10 minutes ago. I like playing video games and it's not a secret among my friends. But in the past few weeks some things have happened that have made me see what I really can be doing with my time. With every passing day, the message gets louder and louder in my mind....TURN OFF THE GAMES AND READ THE WORD. I've met some people that are nice, but I could easily see where I could allow them to influence me (mind you I said allow). The other thing is that I feel like this is my chance to become even closer to God than I've ever been before. I'm gonna stop here because I feel myself starting to ramble.

For those who see this, pray with me that I will have the courage, which only comes through God, to do what is right. Thanks.

I have never felt so much love and focus than what I'm feeling right now. In everything that I've tried to do and how many times I've failed, it all became clear to me this morning in service: God wants more from me and I want to do more. My problem is that most times I felt like I had to do everything at once. After talking to a friend about how I've been feeling discouraged, he shared with me something that his pastor told him. It's not so much that you fall off track, but that you get back on and continue to do God's will. Now when he told me that, I felt this overwhelming feeling of what to do and where to start. Once again, I started to freak out. What if I do something with good intentions and it turns out to be wrong or displeasing to God? He then told me to start by doing the things that you know to do. I've felt like I was out of God's will even when I was trying to do the right thing, but somehow...someway...I always felt like God was still watching me and protecting me. I'm glad my friend shared those kind words with me. Ever since he told me that and I prayed for more direction, some things have turned out rather nice. More recently, I feel myself withdrawing from things that aren't exactly of God and conviction has come over me. For all of the doubt and fear that I had, I now have a stronger desire to seek out what else God has in store for me. I know he will continue to do things in his way, but I pray that I will have the patience and humility to keep going. He is so awesome and it's so amazing how he brings people closer to him. I love him so. Thank you Father...

Almost forgot. Here's something special I wanted to share. 2 books: One is of my own recommendation the other was recommended to me by a dear friend (thanks again Led).

"I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. This book was a real page turner for someone like myself. As a result, I'm seeking love and passion under God's terms now. I've tried it my way and it simply will not work; especially since the good Lord has plans of his own. After reading this book (and rereading it at the present), I have a better understanding of what God wants of me as a single christian; and I'm still discovering more with every passing day. This was a good find. Price range $11-$14 depending on where you'd go to get it.

"Mere Christianity" by the late C.S. Lewis. I haven't opened this book just yet because I want to grab some more notes from the book above, but some of the things that Led referenced in this book left quite an impression on me. I'm sure that in time I will be posting here about some of the things I've learned from "Mere Christianity". But it shouldn't hold anyone else up from reading it for themselves. Price range $11- $21.

NOTE: With anything I read from a christian author, I always keep the Bible next to me. Nothing will ever teach you more than God's word. So if you've never referenced back to the Bible while reading a book about God's will and plans for us....now's as good of a time to start as any. Plus there are always scriptures referenced within the text.

Happy reading!!

Hectic day yesterday...the best part is that I kept my wits in the midst of madness. God is awesome I tell ya!!! Onward and upward...

I usually don't have a problem telling people what's on my mind but yesterday was different. There was a big matter that I needed to bring to an end. I couldn't believe that my stomach went into knots when the time presented itself. Someone that I'm attracted to...and vice versa...wanted me to visit him. For months I played with the idea of going to see him. But in the back of my mind, I knew what was in store if I did make the trip; he's out of state mind you. I couldn't really understand why I would stall about telling him that it wasn't a good idea. I can say this however, I was being selfish and going would've had me doing things that were very much out of God's will. After a looooooooooot of praying, I was able to say what needed to be said long ago: "(fill in name here)", I cannot come to see you. I would love to, but doing so would only get me in trouble and it's not worth it in the grand scheme of things, I'm sorry. I won't lie and say that I'm not kicking myself for turing down something that could've been nice, but in truth to tell, it would've only been a temporary good feeling with a lifetime of regret attached to it. Moreso, I want to date, but I want to do it on God's terms. Going to visit him would've been a turn into the wrong direction. I'm glad I made a decision and I pray that I will continue to make good decisions. But dear God, give me strength.

When I come to this forum, I like to read other peoples journals. It's comforting to know that others are brave enough to share their lives with everyone here. A few of them I find myself going to on a regular basis. I'm surprised anyone even reads this one. So I'd like to take this time to thank those who stop by here and peak at the mess that is my life. I'd also like to leave this because it was on my mind this morning:

Dear God,
I need you. I feel like my world has gone from cheery to gloomy in a matter of one day. I don't know if this is a test but Father, please keep me near you. Help me to remember in the midst of madness that it is only temporary. Help me to remember that you still love me and that you only want what is best for me. Help me to remember that I can call on you anytime of day. I feel like forces are trying to pull me away from you. Cover me with the blood of Jesus from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet. Father I come to angry, hurt, and confused. I don't not question your will, but please dear God, guide my steps and help me to stay focused. Help me to keep love in my heart and a prayer on my lips. I cannot do this, or anything without you. If I am out of your will, please guide me back onto your path. I thank you for all of the trials and blessings you've given. In the midst of my anger I will praise your name and give all glory and honor to you and only you. You are great and worthy. I am lost without you and your love. In the name of Jesus, I thank you and I love you....Amen.