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  #1  
Unread 13th September 2013, 02:31 PM
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Question Need Advice-Husband Porn Addiction-Please Help

Hi Everyone- I really need some advice. My husband has been battling with Porn for years, ever since we dated. Had I known at the time what a strong hold porn has on someone I would have never chosen to get married. I have been married for 8.5 years and together over 10. This is my second marriage.

The last time that I caught my husband watching porn was on his cell phone and he was looking at dating sites as well. I have never caught him on a dating site(meaning his profile), but I hate the fact that I to "watch" over him like a 2 year old is ridiculous . I asked him to seek biblical counseling(or else I would divorce him) and he did go(this after about 20+ times of finding porn on the computer and phone)....VERY RELUCTANTLY. He got to the point every Thursday when his Celebrate Recovery was that he would be irritable and blame me that he "has" to go. He would also say that he was not as bad as the other guys always comparing himself to them saying, "I'm not half as bad as them. I have never hired a prostitute". I wasn't sure whether to give him an atta boy or a gold star after that comment. It got to the point every Thursday we would argue so much about the class that in the end it was easier to go back into our old rut and have him not go. I couldn't stand the complaining and constant bickering to get him to go.

The final straw was when I went on vacation to visit my family. His work would not give him the time off so I went by myself. When I got back his phone had most of the history gone except for the last two days which were filled with him looking at dating profile and then also a live web cam. When I questioned him about it he said that they weren't even good looking anyway so why should it matter.

Yesterday, I check his phone and he went to lunch twice with his co-worker. I understand he works in a predominately women ran industry (nursing) and I do know that often times he sits with women in the cafeteria which doesn't bother me. He was on jury duty(not at work, no cafeteria) and saw her so they decided to go to lunch. The texts were innocent in nature, but on the heals of less then a week of him checking out dating websites and live web cams his lack of judgment and insensitivity to my feelings really makes me feel like he could care less if he hurts me.

My heart is hardening towards him and I am not letting him in as much. I told him the only reason why I do not get a divorce from him now is not due to my undying and eternal love for him, it's because I am completely embarrassed to be divorced twice.

So my question is.....do I give him another chance and what should be my boundaries if I do?
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Last edited by agape13; 13th September 2013 at 03:22 PM.
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  #2  
Unread 13th September 2013, 02:47 PM
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You already set your boundary:

Originally Posted by agape13 View Post
I asked him to seek biblical counseling(or else I would divorce him)
Are you willing and able to uphold that boundary?
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  #3  
Unread 13th September 2013, 02:53 PM
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Seeingeyes, thank you for the reply. I am willing to uphold that boundary. I guess I was thinking I should have him go to the class and then we'll got from there. He promised me that he would not complain anymore, but yesterday was his first class and he said he "forgot" to go. Bottom line, is I am embarrassed to be divorced twice and I am not sure if porn is considered adultery. In my mind it is, but I am not sure if it is biblically. Any thoughts on that?
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  #4  
Unread 13th September 2013, 03:01 PM
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Darling, I would be out the door. Or if it's easier, his clothes would be on the doorstep and the locks would be changed next time he comes home from work.

Remain married and separated and seek counseling if you think you still want to fight for this marriage. IMHO you have grounds for divorce; this man has cheated on you via porn, if not via physical sex (all the "lunch dates" with female co-workers make me VERY suspicious) already.

Every day that you allow this to continue, you are allowing this man to emotionally beat the crap out of you. You. Do. Not. Deserve. That.
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  #5  
Unread 13th September 2013, 03:28 PM
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Thank you for your response. I would love to change the locks, but with us both on the title for the house, the police would let him back in. I think I may go the separated route. I hate to end in divorce, but in the end that would be much better then walking in on him with someone or ending up with an funky disease (which thank goodness I have never had)!

Originally Posted by Inkachu View Post
Darling, I would be out the door. Or if it's easier, his clothes would be on the doorstep and the locks would be changed next time he comes home from work.

Remain married and separated and seek counseling if you think you still want to fight for this marriage. IMHO you have grounds for divorce; this man has cheated on you via porn, if not via physical sex (all the "lunch dates" with female co-workers make me VERY suspicious) already.

Every day that you allow this to continue, you are allowing this man to emotionally beat the crap out of you. You. Do. Not. Deserve. That.
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  #6  
Unread 13th September 2013, 03:34 PM
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The porn industry statistically speaking would have been banned long ago if it lead so many individuals, young or old, towards mental or physical health problems if it became as serious as taking illegal drugs, or committing evil crimes such as murder:.
Unfortunately, the porn industry appears so far to escape such universal ban, simply because it is equivalent in most cases to be similar to taking an anti-depression type of medication drug or herbal vitamin tablet such as ginseng for positive sexual confidence, especially for those who have reached middle age such as myself:.
That's the strange irony about porn that it is a confidence booster to escape the harmful experiences associated with depression and anxiety, and if your husband does not show any signs of such a negative emotional attack then feel fortunate of a sigh of relief that this atheist-like view of porn is an effective emotion oasis:.
From a Christian perception, sexuality will be replaced with spirituality when Jesus returns to defeat Satan, and when Jesus is victorious, such powerful victory would stop sexual emotions, whether those feelings are heterosexual or homosexual as we become accustomed with our new transformed memory-perfected intelligent minds and perfectly shaped bodies so that we will experience the supernatural abundance of peace and joy that far exceeds sexual pleasure that comes and goes, as we socialize with Jesus inside the most advanced free-for-all home accommodation city: the kingdom of God on a new Earth Rev 21:2 .;'*';.
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  #7  
Unread 13th September 2013, 03:41 PM
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Originally Posted by agape13 View Post
Seeingeyes, thank you for the reply. I am willing to uphold that boundary. I guess I was thinking I should have him go to the class and then we'll got from there. He promised me that he would not complain anymore, but yesterday was his first class and he said he "forgot" to go. Bottom line, is I am embarrassed to be divorced twice and I am not sure if porn is considered adultery. In my mind it is, but I am not sure if it is biblically. Any thoughts on that?
If you find that you are not willing to uphold that boundary, then you should tell your husband and apologize for dropping the 'D' word unnecessarily. There's no way for him to trust you if you can't keep your word about something so important. I'm not saying that to condemn you, but just to encourage you to be very honest with yourself and with him.

All of this 'babysitting' that you are doing is completely on you. It's not your job to change your husband by chasing him down and making sure that he's 'being good'. What you can do today is take a deep breath, and just say to yourself, "I'm not doing that anymore". And don't. You are driving yourself and your husband crazy, and there is no benefit to doing that at all.

If your husband desires 'accountability' on this issue, then he needs to seek it out from another man who has been in the same spot and can advise him properly (and also not be hurt by your husband's honesty as you would be).

Being embarrassed about being divorced twice is simply not enough glue to hold a marriage together. Shame might prolong your marriage for another 5 or 10 years if you let it, but it doesn't foster trust, or love, or kindness, or selflessness or any of the fruits of the Spirit, so if you stay for that reason, you're not earning 'brownie points' with anyone except busy-bodies who would happily play the role of judge, jury, and executioner. Whether they are worth impressing is, of course, up to you.

For myself, a porn addiction like you are describing would be a dealbreaker for me, whether or not it meets some 'official' definition of adultery or not. If my husband is unwilling to make even the first step toward resolving something that is killing my soul, then in what sense is he my husband? If that is a weakness of mine, or a function of my own insecurity, then so be it. I treat my honey's insecurities with both strength and kid-gloves, so I don't feel any qualms about expecting the same from him. (And I say all this as a woman married 15 years, through both hell and high water, who is very pro-marriage.)

Our Lord said that the Law of Moses allowed a man to divorce his wife "because your hearts are hard". Well, hearts haven't changed in the last 3500 years. If you choose to stay, be sure that you are doing it with a soft heart, eager to love and quick to forgive. If you have hit your pain-tolerance, then get yourself to counseling and talk about these things with someone you can trust before you make the decision to stay or go. Make sure you know what you are willing and able to do before you draw any more lines in the sand.

God bless you sister. I'll be praying.
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Unread 13th September 2013, 03:43 PM
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Dear Agape13

What a source of struggle this is for both of you. Dont kid yourself, it bothers him as much as it bothers you...he just might not be open enough to admit that, as he is constantly defending himself with this ongoing problem.

I am not saying this is you or your problem, but allow me to be frank...and please I don't expect you to comment (if you don't want to) I get that.

But I've been involved with ministry and prayer groups for years, my wife and I continually help and share with couples and singles as the LORD opens doors.

One of the devils tricks that we see constantly (although not every case) but often enough is this manipulation between husband and wife.

Husband will try to control the wife with money or pay cheque or finances (sorry in Canada, we spell check as cheque). Anyway he controls the funds and gives 'ye' or 'nay' to all the major purchases, or not allows her to get what she needs/wants.
He keeps tightening the purse strings and/or her freedom and a equal part of marriage.

She controls him by withholding the bedroom and intimacy.

When biblically his body belongs to you and your body belongs to him. 1 Cor 7:4
And you need each other, and not to deprive one another. 1 Cor 7:5

This isn't often taught because of the sensitivity that is around it. But the scriptures speak of it and there is healing in it ...actually life in it...but it works by trust and putting the needs of the other before self (in all things). And you grow in this trust and love, really its a 'sacred trust', and not a one shot deal by any means.

This (from our perspective) a HUGE problem with the Saints and an answer by GRACE that we've seen WORK! (as long as we let go of self & pride).

Praying for your family...

-eric
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  #9  
Unread 13th September 2013, 03:56 PM
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Hi Eric- I couldn't agree more. My mother gave me such a gift when I got married and said, "Whatever you do, never withhold intimacy" so I don't. I don't think that should be used as a weapon and that would only push him further from me. He doesn't control the checkbook that is a mutual decision between us. Clearly this is a bigger issue, perhaps he doesn't want to be close to me. Thank you for your prayers.
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Unread 13th September 2013, 04:03 PM
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Seeingeyes- Thank you for your reply. I agree, never engage with a divorce topic unless you expect to follow up with it. I did drop the D word and I meant it. I would never use it unless I was at my absolute breaking point and I am there. I do plan on following up on it if he does not get some help. My plan of action is to seek a counselor myself and have him go next Thursday to Celebrate Recovery. If he doesn't, I will seek a legal separation. I have to stand by my word and let him know that I mean it. This behavior will not be tolerated anymore. You are right about my insecurities about being judged about possibly being divorced twice. I need to work on that. Thank you for your reply. It really helped. :0) Thank you for your prayers too!
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