We've been married for less then a year. We've had alot of problems in our relationship with anger and in some rare cases, violence. This had been going on even before we got married. She has a very abusive past from her mother and x-boyfriends(cheated on and nearly raped). She doesn't have a church background, but has always had good morals and believed in God.
I, on the other hand, have grown up in the church my whole life. I've never dealt with any form of physical or mental abuse. I've never been very assertive, so I've never completly understood her anger. Over the years, I've slowly become very bitter towards her and I am now just as angry and bitter as she is.
When we argue, we resort to saying very hurtfull things to each other. Constantly accusing the other of not loving or caring at all, saying that we wished we never got married, name calling (b-tch,jerl horrible husband/wife/father/mother). And many times she will threten divorce. Sometimes I try to walk away or go somewhere to calm down, but then she accused me of leaving her. We've talked alot about this, but it just keeps getting worse. Over time we've become very bitter towards each other and I don't know what is left.
On top of all this, we just had a baby. She got pregnent a few months before we got married (our mistake... it was both our first time), so we want to provide a loving household her her, but at the same time, the stress of dealing with a newborn is more then we can handle!
I know that she has been hurt by almost everyone close to her, and now since I've hurt her also, she will never trust me or anyone again.
i am just so sick of all this and the way she treats me. I'm also sick of the way I react to her. We know that we need to get in the word and set a regular schedule for reading and praying, but our newborn makes any time impossible. We are hurting each other and killing our marriage. I don't know what to do.
My wife's first husband was an abusive drunk .... she still has areas of
pain .... any time I raise my voice , correct her , etc.... reacts to old
wounds , not necessarily me ...
Paul says our enemy is not flesh and blood , but the devil and his
disciples ... intercede for her , pray laborers and witnesses in her
past , that she might forgive and be reconciled to her future ,
by putting the past behind ..
Have you talked to a minister or counselor ?
There is a book by T.D. Jakes called "Woman , Thou art Loosed " about this
type of thing , might help . Or Joyce Meyers ministries , deals with abuse
and women's issues .
Love her where she is , pray , ask God to intervene , work like it depends
on you , pray like it depends on God ...
I agree with the above post. Also read The Power of a Praying Husband and their is one for wives by Stormie Omartin. They can help on how to pray for your wife and it tells a bit about the moods we go through.
Having had my share of fights and problems, I would recommend at least considering a marriage counselor. Be prepared to shop around a bit; we got lucky and got an excellent counselor, but I've known people who didn't do so well on the first try.
__________________ Save me / And when you see me strut / Remind me of what left this outlaw torn I follow Christ; therefore I am To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. . I affirm the Nicene Creed.
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. -- Romans 8:38-39
We've been married for less then a year. We've had alot of problems in our relationship with anger and in some rare cases, violence. This had been going on even before we got married. She has a very abusive past from her mother and x-boyfriends(cheated on and nearly raped). She doesn't have a church background, but has always had good morals and believed in God.
I, on the other hand, have grown up in the church my whole life. I've never dealt with any form of physical or mental abuse. I've never been very assertive, so I've never completly understood her anger. Over the years, I've slowly become very bitter towards her and I am now just as angry and bitter as she is.
When we argue, we resort to saying very hurtfull things to each other. Constantly accusing the other of not loving or caring at all, saying that we wished we never got married, name calling (b-tch,jerl horrible husband/wife/father/mother). And many times she will threten divorce. Sometimes I try to walk away or go somewhere to calm down, but then she accused me of leaving her. We've talked alot about this, but it just keeps getting worse. Over time we've become very bitter towards each other and I don't know what is left.
On top of all this, we just had a baby. She got pregnent a few months before we got married (our mistake... it was both our first time), so we want to provide a loving household her her, but at the same time, the stress of dealing with a newborn is more then we can handle!
I know that she has been hurt by almost everyone close to her, and now since I've hurt her also, she will never trust me or anyone again.
i am just so sick of all this and the way she treats me. I'm also sick of the way I react to her. We know that we need to get in the word and set a regular schedule for reading and praying, but our newborn makes any time impossible. We are hurting each other and killing our marriage. I don't know what to do.
I can feel your pain because I was in a somewhat similar situation.
My fiance` has experienced more abuse than anyone should have to at the hand of her ex-husband. I helped her get out of that situation but then her and I immediately jumped into a relationship. She had six children and we were pregnant soon thereafter.
I don't even remember what started it but our relationship turned into a downward spiral of mistreatment and disrespect. The more she hurt me, the worse I treated her (neither of us were voilent, but words can be harsh). The more I hurt her the worse she treated me. It sometimes felt like there was no way out and our relationship was doomed.
At this time neither of us were strong Christians, we wanted to be but our relationships with God were being mirrored in our relationship with each other; the farther apart I got from God the harder it was to come back.
In August it was horrible, I didn't think we were going to make it.
Then I did something I hadn't done in a long time. I prayed. I mean REALLY prayed. And God answered. I will tell you what he told me and I hope it is as helpful as it was to me:
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. 1 Cor. 13:4-8
I know it sounds cliche` but this verse came to me loud and clear. I had to ask myself "Am I really loving her?"
I knew I Loved her, but was I showing it? To me real love stives to fufill all of these qualities and I was falling short in so many ways.
"But" I responded to myself "She isn't being all of those things. She isnt always kind! How am I supposed to be kind and paitent when she is yelling at me?"
The answer is simple. Faith. Faith in the relationship will help you to be calm when you want to be upset. Faith in God will help you to say you are sorry when you beleive it was her fault as much as yours.
20He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew 17:20
In September I fully gave my life over to Jesus. I said to him this: "I will strive at all times to Love her as you have instructed." And left our relationship in His hands.
It was hard. She didn't "get" it at first. I began to apologize when in the past I would have slept on the couch. I began to hold her where in the past I would push her away. I began to reenforce to her that I am committed to her forever (we will be married March 1st, but I consider myself committed to her for life already) when in the past I would threaten to leave.
It has only been a few short months but the results are amazing. Over time she began to believe that I am serious about this, that I will always Love her and I will never leave her. She is begining to forgive the harsh words I used to speak and we are closer now than we ever have been.
It wont be easy in the beginning but in order to fix my relationship I had to prove to her that I really loved her.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33
Put your focus on God and He will mend your relationship if you follow His lead.
Thank you for all the replys, they have been helpful. I am always struggling with what I know I should do, and what I am doing. I keep thinking that if she cared as much, then she would be trying the same with me. Its as if neither of us are going to move until the other does...
Its like a chess game where its one move away from checkmate with one safe square, and we just keep moving back and forth. Neither wants to give up the pride to give in and "submit" to the others anger. It seems so unfair and whenever I do, she just gloats that I admitted that I was wrong, so she never appolgizes. Its hard to keep that up without resolution of my feelings.
I've tried to show her love and appolize and comfort, so she knows she loves me, but it never lasts, and my anger/impatients/pain gets the best of me.
I feel that I want to love her so much, but I am so desperite for love. I feel empty and lonley. I just want her love.
Thank you for all the replys, they have been helpful. I am always struggling with what I know I should do, and what I am doing. I keep thinking that if she cared as much, then she would be trying the same with me. Its as if neither of us are going to move until the other does...
Its like a chess game where its one move away from checkmate with one safe square, and we just keep moving back and forth. Neither wants to give up the pride to give in and "submit" to the others anger. It seems so unfair and whenever I do, she just gloats that I admitted that I was wrong, so she never appolgizes. Its hard to keep that up without resolution of my feelings.
I've tried to show her love and appolize and comfort, so she knows she loves me, but it never lasts, and my anger/impatients/pain gets the best of me.
I feel that I want to love her so much, but I am so desperite for love. I feel empty and lonley. I just want her love.
I can totaly understand. It was not easy for me either. At times I felt like giving up. But I kept on. The Lord calls us to be humble and here are some verses that helped me tremendously:
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5
Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:4
The hardest part for me was swallowing my pride and saying "I am sorry. I was wrong." But Love is putting the other above yourself. Put her feelings first and if she truely loves you she will respond.
I know it is hard to do but if that is what it takes, then are you willing to do it.
I can't promise this will work for you. I just know what a difference in my life it has made.
We've been married for less then a year. We've had alot of problems in our relationship with anger and in some rare cases, violence. This had been going on even before we got married. She has a very abusive past from her mother and x-boyfriends(cheated on and nearly raped). She doesn't have a church background, but has always had good morals and believed in God..
These are very serious issues, has she ever had counselling for her abusive relationships?
Originally Posted by familyman20
I, on the other hand, have grown up in the church my whole life. I've never dealt with any form of physical or mental abuse. I've never been very assertive, so I've never completly understood her anger. Over the years, I've slowly become very bitter towards her and I am now just as angry and bitter as she is
I really cannot offer advice, except it sounds as though you both need to go to counselling together.
Originally Posted by familyman20
On top of all this, we just had a baby. She got pregnent a few months before we got married (our mistake... it was both our first time), so we want to provide a loving household her her, but at the same time, the stress of dealing with a newborn is more then we can handle!
All I can say to this, is that my husband and I have been there and come through the other side. We got married in April 2001 and our first child was born in November 2001. (do the math - I was a pregnant bride too) The first year of marriage is hard enough, then add the shame of an illegitimate conception and a newborn baby who you love dearly. It is hard I know. The sleepless nights do eventually end. (well don't end completely, occasionally I have to get up if he is sick or has had nightmares, but it's not every night anymore)
The uncertainty fades a little, I don't think every parent is sure of themselves all the time, but eventually you do get some confidence in the right thngs to do and say. Also, I do agree that it is hard to set aside time to pray and read the word together, my husband and I struggle in this too, but it is essential. Is there a time in your house that is calm and everyone is happy. Maybe after the baby has a feed, and is playing happily, you could fit in even 10 minutes is better than nothing. I normally ask my husband when he gets home from work, I tell him I would like some time after dinner to pray. We usually do it after dinner, after our son is bathed and he is happy to play by himself for a little while.
Do you have any friend or relative who could perhaps take care of the baby one evening every couple weeks so that you could have some alone time together? Or (if the baby is old enough) could you get a babysitter? If you don't have a lot of money you could just go out for dessert or even buy one from the grocery store and rent a movie or watch one on TV, or play cards or whatever you might find enjoyable and relaxing. It will also give you some time to just talk and maybe you could start or end the night by doing a devotion together and praying over any issues that are going on. That might help alleviate the stress, but I agree with the others that since she's gone through a lot, counseling might be wise.
First off, anger isn't a primary emotion, it's secondary. You stub your toe, you get hurt, then you get angry. If someone is constantly angry, then they have some deeper issues to worry about then angry. And if you are reacting the same way, so do you. I can tell you a bit of what I've learnt, and the best one is my wife's love language. The Five Love Languages is a great book. The second thing I had to deal with is realizing it's not my wife's fault for my problems. Our fights got to the point where, at different times, we both went to the police station to report the other. But our fingers were too busy pointing out the errors of the other, that we didn't realize our faults. The third was to know that God brought us together. Your situation is a bit different in that you may question if it's God's will to be married since it was probably a shot gun wedding, but if you're married, then God will honor it. Rest assured that God wants you happily married. Finally, there are some hurts that go deep, and it was only when we went to see a minister who believed in deliverance that we received a freedom that I can't describe. Counselling was ok for us, and it may be great for you, but in dealing with soul issues, I think I needed to come to the end of myself before God stepped in. Actually, some say you get to the end of your rope, then He does, but it felt like I fell right off. I can't say that will happen to you, I hope it doesn't. My heart goes out to you though.
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