My marriage needs help!

E-beth · #11 17th December 2003, 11:22 PM

It sounds like your wife definitely needs some counselling. Couple's counselling would help too.

My first marriage was abusive. When you are systematically torn down, it gets to the point where you feel so powerless and unloveable that all you can do is strike first. Then when they leave, you an feel like, "see, he is just like all the rest. He doesn't love me and no one ever will."

I got pregnant a month after marrying my blessed hubby. It was such a great answer to prayer, but whoo-wee does a new baby make a new marriage rough! You aer just learning to deal with each other, and suddenly you can't find time to bathe, better yet talk heart-to-heart. But for the sake of your child, you both have to learn to treat each other respectfully.

I agree with the advice of loving her, saying sorry when you want to scream, and love her when she gloats. Don't expect an apology. Eventually, though, she will learn from your example and her toughened heart will soften a little.

God bless you for wanting to be a good husband and dad. I will be praying fro you both!

LN · #12 18th December 2003, 08:55 AM

I haven't heard you answer any responses about counseling yet, but I'd like to emphasize that counseling is the key issue here. Its important to get counseling for your wife and as a couple.

Some people have a stigma against counseling. As my sister-in-law put it "I don't like telling my problems to a stranger." But you have to think about it like "would I not go to a medical doctor if I had cancer?" Counselors have seen everything, heard everything and specalize in helping people with these types of situations.

You can look into your medical insurance and see what counselors nearby accept your mental health insurance. That way the co-pay is quite inexpensive. If you would like a Christian counselor, you can call up a couple local churches and just ask them anonomously who they reccomend. Then you have to call those counselors and ask if they take your insurance. Sometimes you have to go through your primary care physician as a referral, but if you call up any primary care physician and say "My wife and I are having a difficult time getting along due to the stress of our new baby (TOTALLY NORMAL)" the doctor will give you a referral no problem. He or she does not need to know all the details of her abuse if you don't want to tell them.

Unfortunately the mental health phone lines for the insurance companies do not know who is a Christian and who is not

Apparently, they don't think that is an important piece of information!

I would also empahsize making church and fellowship a priority. You may feel like you don't have time for church, but you may also see things fall into place when putting that first. My husband and I had a difficult first year and seeing our pastor periodically and talking about it helped us a TON.

LN

blitzn · #13 18th December 2003, 09:48 AM

Originally Posted by P3nguin1

I can feel your pain because I was in a somewhat similar situation.

My fiance` has experienced more abuse than anyone should have to at the hand of her ex-husband. I helped her get out of that situation but then her and I immediately jumped into a relationship. She had six children and we were pregnant soon thereafter.

I don't even remember what started it but our relationship turned into a downward spiral of mistreatment and disrespect. The more she hurt me, the worse I treated her (neither of us were voilent, but words can be harsh). The more I hurt her the worse she treated me. It sometimes felt like there was no way out and our relationship was doomed.

At this time neither of us were strong Christians, we wanted to be but our relationships with God were being mirrored in our relationship with each other; the farther apart I got from God the harder it was to come back.

In August it was horrible, I didn't think we were going to make it.

Then I did something I hadn't done in a long time. I prayed. I mean REALLY prayed. And God answered. I will tell you what he told me and I hope it is as helpful as it was to me:

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. 1 Cor. 13:4-8

I know it sounds cliche` but this verse came to me loud and clear. I had to ask myself "Am I really loving her?"

I knew I Loved her, but was I showing it? To me real love stives to fufill all of these qualities and I was falling short in so many ways.

"But" I responded to myself "She isn't being all of those things. She isnt always kind! How am I supposed to be kind and paitent when she is yelling at me?"

The answer is simple. Faith. Faith in the relationship will help you to be calm when you want to be upset. Faith in God will help you to say you are sorry when you beleive it was her fault as much as yours.

20He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew 17:20

In September I fully gave my life over to Jesus. I said to him this: "I will strive at all times to Love her as you have instructed." And left our relationship in His hands.

It was hard. She didn't "get" it at first. I began to apologize when in the past I would have slept on the couch. I began to hold her where in the past I would push her away. I began to reenforce to her that I am committed to her forever (we will be married March 1st, but I consider myself committed to her for life already) when in the past I would threaten to leave.

It has only been a few short months but the results are amazing. Over time she began to believe that I am serious about this, that I will always Love her and I will never leave her. She is begining to forgive the harsh words I used to speak and we are closer now than we ever have been.

It wont be easy in the beginning but in order to fix my relationship I had to prove to her that I really loved her.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33

Put your focus on God and He will mend your relationship if you follow His lead.

In His Name
jeremey

Are you married or still engaged? Boy that's a lot to go through if you're only yet engaged...but I have to say that you have truly found the truth that many Christian husbands have yet to find:

Eph 5:25,26 (KJV) Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it; that he might sanctify it, having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word...

- blitzn

familyman20 · #14 18th December 2003, 09:58 AM

Thank you again for the helpful advice. We have considered counselling, but we are pretty private as far as our home life goes... We are both only 20 years old, and everyone at church thinks that we are a very strong and mature couple. It seems that we act the part of being good christians so well that no one knows we need help.

Our wedding wasn't shotgun per say... She conceived the night I proposed, and we didn't know that she was pregnant until after we set the wedding day. No one knew she was pregnant until 2 months after we were married.

We do know one couple who we have been very close too, however, just when we were getting really connected, they moved to another state (accepted a position as a new pastor). They came back and preformed our ceremony, and we keep in regualar contact with them. We've considered talking to them about our problems, but it would have to be over the phone...

We have books... I have read, and am now re-reading "Every Womens Desire", she has read and is re-reading "Power of a praying wife". I've ordered the book and workbook for "Woman, thou art loosed" because we've always forcused on our relationship and never on her pain from the past. I am hopeing that she is going to be willing to deal with that.

I guess we've done all the motions, and we have made lots of progress, several times, but it always goes back down. It now seems that it is at its worst.

I've always had trouble with counselling because of pride. I actually want to someday be a counseler. I feel like they can't tell me anything I don't already know about what I need to do. I just feel ashamed because I've never been able to continue doing what I know I need to do.

katelyn · #15 18th December 2003, 10:12 AM

Originally Posted by familyman20

We are both only 20 years old, and everyone at church thinks that we are a very strong and mature couple. It seems that we act the part of being good christians so well that no one knows we need help.

I can sympathize with the hesitation, but this way of thinking can be very dangerous. Pretending that nothing is wrong has a devastating potential for only making things worse. I would like to suggest that it's possible for you to see a counselor privately, and no one else has to know about it. If everyone thinks that you are a strong couple, then most likely they will not suspect that you are seeing a counselor. It's not like by seeing a counselor that you are throwing out some major red flags to others that mark you as tainted.

The other thing I would encourage you to think about is how dangerous this fear of appearing imperfect is to the church in general. Since it is considered a "bad" thing to be known to need a counselor, how many other families in your church are silently hurting? We are not meant to go through such things in silence! One of the functions of the church is to help each other through such times. You would probably be surprised to know how many people from your church go to counselors, or if they don't, that at least are going through something that would warrant a visit to a counselor.

The reason we don't talk about it is that the devil wants to cloak us in shame. Shame is never from God. God wants us to repent of our sins but not to feel terrible or embarrassed about who we are.

Finally, I would like to say that we all need the greatest Counselor. Therefore, there should be nothing wrong with seeking help with those people He has gifted with the ability to help others.

I pray that somehow you will find the help you need...that the books you've purchased will be helpful, and if you need help beyond that, that God will open your hearts to the idea of counseling.

blitzn · #16 18th December 2003, 10:28 AM

Originally Posted by LN

I haven't heard you answer any responses about counseling yet, but I'd like to emphasize that counseling is the key issue here. Its important to get counseling for your wife and as a couple.

Some people have a stigma against counseling. As my sister-in-law put it "I don't like telling my problems to a stranger." But you have to think about it like "would I not go to a medical doctor if I had cancer?" Counselors have seen everything, heard everything and specalize in helping people with these types of situations.

You can look into your medical insurance and see what counselors nearby accept your mental health insurance. That way the co-pay is quite inexpensive. If you would like a Christian counselor, you can call up a couple local churches and just ask them anonomously who they reccomend. Then you have to call those counselors and ask if they take your insurance. Sometimes you have to go through your primary care physician as a referral, but if you call up any primary care physician and say "My wife and I are having a difficult time getting along due to the stress of our new baby (TOTALLY NORMAL)" the doctor will give you a referral no problem. He or she does not need to know all the details of her abuse if you don't want to tell them.

Unfortunately the mental health phone lines for the insurance companies do not know who is a Christian and who is not Apparently, they don't think that is an important piece of information!

I would also empahsize making church and fellowship a priority. You may feel like you don't have time for church, but you may also see things fall into place when putting that first. My husband and I had a difficult first year and seeing our pastor periodically and talking about it helped us a TON.

LN

Just an addendum to what you mentioned and just my opinion, but based on much experience - it's also important not to use counseling as a replacement for God in people's lives. Counselors are only human and often do make mistakes, and many times, if not chosen very carefully and at the leading of the Spirit, can destroy a relationship rather than help it. It's especially important when dealing with females who have been through emotional and physical abuse. I know first hand unfortunately.

IMO, seek first the mighty Counselor and the Word of God; His name is Jesus...Isa 9:6 (KJV) For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

- blitzn

P3nguin1 · #17 18th December 2003, 10:28 AM

Originally Posted by blitzn

Are you married or still engaged? Boy that's a lot to go through if you're only yet engaged...but I have to say that you have truly found the truth that many Christian husbands have yet to find:

Eph 5:25,26 (KJV) Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it; that he might sanctify it, having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word...

- blitzn

We are engaged but have been living together for almost 3 years. It has been chaos until September, when we put God first in our lives.

I should have mentioned the above verse, it is the most important verse a husband will find about God's will concerning his wife. It is a difficult charge too, but noone said love was easy

familyman20 · #18 18th December 2003, 11:44 AM

I think we will talk to our friends who moved out of state... They are a pastor and his wife who we both feel comfortable talking too. They also preformed our wedding ceremony for us. Its free, we trust them, they are easy to talk to, they offer good encouragement and advice. It just stinks that we have to talk to them over the phone.

My wife would be upset if I told her I was talking about us online... but she is more worried about people we know finding out then anything. And I know that none of you know us at all!

katelyn · #19 18th December 2003, 11:57 AM

Originally Posted by familyman20

I think we will talk to our friends who moved out of state... They are a pastor and his wife who we both feel comfortable talking too. They also preformed our wedding ceremony for us. Its free, we trust them, they are easy to talk to, they offer good encouragement and advice. It just stinks that we have to talk to them over the phone.

My wife would be upset if I told her I was talking about us online... but she is more worried about people we know finding out then anything. And I know that none of you know us at all!

That sounds like a good idea! It's too bad that they live out of state, but at least you have someone to talk to about it at any rate.

P3nguin2 · #20 18th December 2003, 12:13 PM

It may help you to see this from a woman who knows what your wife is living with. I have lived the hell she is dealing with now. Her anger isnt at you. It is at the life she is still trying to escape. The struggle that is within her is not about you. The inner battle she faces daily is much different then most people realize. The pain of remembering and the unsurity if what she is saying and doing is right. Which then leads to poor self esteem. What happened to your wife wasnt her fault. She needs to come to terms with that inorder to get past what is going on with her now. If she is anything like me she probably holds things together pretty good for short spurts of time. Then everything spirals out of control. I have bouts of anger. They are overwhelming and half of the time I cant control them. I have gotten thru them thru praying for peace and praying for God to calm my spirit. The anger isnt even my fiance's fault. He just seems to be the fuse at times.

Yes it is easy to go to church and put on the happy christian family fasad but the reality is that it is just another way for her to escape away from what she is dealing with. I did it for years and years. I couldnt tell people. I couldnt even express some things into words. Then you get so used to keeping it inside that you start keeping everything inside. Then if she is like me she will close up altogether.

Councelling will help in some ways. It has helped me. I am sure at times I could use more. Mostly so that I can try and express what I am feeling. Once she is able to recognize where her bitterness and anger come from then she will be better able to deal with it. The biggest thing you need to continuely repeat to yourself is that its not your fault. You didnt do these things to her someone else did.

Jeremey hasnt put any expectations on me when he made his commitment to me. He has shown and given me love, even when I didnt deserve it and couldnt accept it. Things now are so much better then I could have ever thought possible. My advice to you is to start small dont overwhelm her. Tell her you love her and are going to be with her no matter what. Jeremey bought us a God's little Devotional Book for Couples and it only took us 5 minutes a day to read the small devotion for the day. It was a way for us to start building our relationship again. Now we have long indepth talks about God and spend lots of time looking at scripture. Be consistant. Just so we wouldnt miss a night Jeremey would say wait dont fall asleep yet we need to read our devotion for the day.

I hope this helps you in someway.

God Bless