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  #1  
Unread 2nd May 2013, 10:23 PM
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My husband treats me like the enemy

Some advice would be very helpful and greatly appreciated...my marriage has been in shambles for quite some now. I'm believing and trusting in God for a restoration but I'm doing in solo. My husband treats me like the enemy. He calls me ugly, a loser, no work ethic (but I'm the only one working), says he doesn't want me. Today we got into a really bad argument (I went in on him too). I felt very ashamed and convicted bc God says not to fight evil with evil or insult with insult. Well during the argument, he showed me a pic of another female's private part in his phone and said that other women have been pleasing him bc I can't. I'm devastated and don't know what to do. I've been faithfully devoted to restoring my marriage now I feel stupid that I wasted my time. I still feel like God is saying He's going to make us have a testimony and that we have work to do for His kingdom together but I just hope that's not just coming from my heart. I want my marriage but I'm tired and just want to give up! Any advice and prayers PLEASE!

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  #2  
Unread 2nd May 2013, 10:52 PM
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Originally Posted by ConstantlySeeking View Post
Some advice would be very helpful and greatly appreciated...my marriage has been in shambles for quite some now. I'm believing and trusting in God for a restoration but I'm doing in solo. My husband treats me like the enemy. He calls me ugly, a loser, no work ethic (but I'm the only one working), says he doesn't want me. Today we got into a really bad argument (I went in on him too). I felt very ashamed and convicted bc God says not to fight evil with evil or insult with insult. Well during the argument, he showed me a pic of another female's private part in his phone and said that other women have been pleasing him bc I can't. I'm devastated and don't know what to do. I've been faithfully devoted to restoring my marriage now I feel stupid that I wasted my time. I still feel like God is saying He's going to make us have a testimony and that we have work to do for His kingdom together but I just hope that's not just coming from my heart. I want my marriage but I'm tired and just want to give up! Any advice and prayers PLEASE!

He has not been born again!

I'm so sorry that you are going through this! All I know to tell you is to pray for wisdom. Do you have a support system?
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A significant discovery was made in relation to marital satisfaction and role relationships. It discovered that (81%) of equalitarian (egalitarian) couples were happily married, while (82%) of couples where both spouses perceived their relationship as traditional (hierarchical) were mainly unhappy.[17]
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  #3  
Unread 2nd May 2013, 11:04 PM
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I do not have a support system as him and I and our children just moved here last summer. I do have a church home but I haven't become close to anyone. I've been praying for God to send some support people as I need positive Christian women in my life.
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  #4  
Unread 3rd May 2013, 12:08 AM
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I know what it's like to move to a new community and not know anyone. You say you are praying for God to send some support to you, but I am suggesting that you go and find some support. Call your pastor, let him know what's going on, and ask him if there is anyone in the church who you could turn to. Become involved in a small group. Don't wait for them to reach out....you may need to be the one to reach out to others.

I am so sorry that it's been such a hard marriage. I'm sure you want to see your husband come to know the Lord Jesus and restore your marriage. Unfortunately it sounds like your husband is abusive and possibly unfaithful to his vows to love you and be faithful to you. One important thing to know is how to establish protective boundaries. This means how you will and won't let others treat you. Calling you ugly, saying he does not want you, etc...those things are mental/emotional abuse.

Another important factor here is your children. If they hear or see your husband treating you this way, they are suffering vicarious trauma, and this may be a child welfare issue. You need to protect your children from watching and hearing these arguments. If you need to, call a social worker and ask them for help in protecting you and your children from his verbal abuse. As long as you are willing to protect your children, they will work with you to address the situation. The boundary to your husband in this situation is "You may choose to call me names and say you don't want me. You are welcome to do that. I can (and do) choose not to listen. I will discuss this with you when you I am spoken to more respectfully." Since you can't change him, you need to decide what you are going to do about his behaviour. You may choose not to live with someone who repeatedly says he does not want you. If that is the case, be prepared to move out/separate until he can treat you respectfully or otherwise show you that he does want to be with you.

The point of boundaries, though, is to accept that you cannot change him. All you can do is decide on how you respond to his behaviour. Be sure to make it clear that he can behave however he wants, but that you have choices about how to respond, and then be prepared to actually do what you say you will do.

For further help on boundaries, you might want to get a book or go online for effective ways to communicate boundaries and learn more about what they are.
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  #5  
Unread 3rd May 2013, 12:27 AM
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Thank you for your response and I have reached out to both the pastor and his wife. He actually contacted my husband and asked him to attend church. He suggested someone for my husband to talk with but he refused. I've spoke with a few ladies there but they just say a prayer. I just don't really feel comfortable sharing unless I know she was sent by God!
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  #6  
Unread 3rd May 2013, 12:45 AM
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All I can say is to pray because God is the only answer to that. Put your faith in Him and He will provide for you. I am not one to push divorce however I think you deserve better. If I were you I wouldn't accept anything less then what you deserve. Sure arguments happen and people can say things to hurt each other but what you went through was horrible. I commend you for seeing your part in the argument as being wrong also, even though it would be easy to justify it. If it were me it would take awhile for me to calm down and understand the hurtful things I said in retaliation were wrong. But being put down and disrespected in that manner is really wicked. There are major issues with a person that says things like that to his wife.

Pray and remember you deserve better.
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  #7  
Unread 3rd May 2013, 01:18 AM
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Originally Posted by ConstantlySeeking View Post
Some advice would be very helpful and greatly appreciated...my marriage has been in shambles for quite some now. I'm believing and trusting in God for a restoration but I'm doing in solo. My husband treats me like the enemy. He calls me ugly, a loser, no work ethic (but I'm the only one working), says he doesn't want me. Today we got into a really bad argument (I went in on him too). I felt very ashamed and convicted bc God says not to fight evil with evil or insult with insult. Well during the argument, he showed me a pic of another female's private part in his phone and said that other women have been pleasing him bc I can't. I'm devastated and don't know what to do. I've been faithfully devoted to restoring my marriage now I feel stupid that I wasted my time. I still feel like God is saying He's going to make us have a testimony and that we have work to do for His kingdom together but I just hope that's not just coming from my heart. I want my marriage but I'm tired and just want to give up! Any advice and prayers PLEASE!

He has not been born again!
I HAD a husband like that...all the things he said to me were really about himself. Its called projection. When he kicked me out of the house, he told me he'd see me dead in a gutter in 6 months.

16+ years later, he's still in same little dead-end job, living his little miserable life. I'm not! I finished school, have an incredible career, a wonderful marriage, my children are all happy, educated and independent, and I'm a proud grandma to a whole bunch of little ones!
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  #8  
Unread 3rd May 2013, 04:05 PM
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Originally Posted by SearchingStudent View Post
I HAD a husband like that...all the things he said to me were really about himself. Its called projection. When he kicked me out of the house, he told me he'd see me dead in a gutter in 6 months.

16+ years later, he's still in same little dead-end job, living his little miserable life. I'm not! I finished school, have an incredible career, a wonderful marriage, my children are all happy, educated and independent, and I'm a proud grandma to a whole bunch of little ones!
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  #9  
Unread 3rd May 2013, 04:08 PM
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Originally Posted by ConstantlySeeking View Post
Some advice would be very helpful and greatly appreciated...my marriage has been in shambles for quite some now. I'm believing and trusting in God for a restoration but I'm doing in solo. My husband treats me like the enemy. He calls me ugly, a loser, no work ethic (but I'm the only one working), says he doesn't want me. Today we got into a really bad argument (I went in on him too). I felt very ashamed and convicted bc God says not to fight evil with evil or insult with insult. Well during the argument, he showed me a pic of another female's private part in his phone and said that other women have been pleasing him bc I can't. I'm devastated and don't know what to do. I've been faithfully devoted to restoring my marriage now I feel stupid that I wasted my time. I still feel like God is saying He's going to make us have a testimony and that we have work to do for His kingdom together but I just hope that's not just coming from my heart. I want my marriage but I'm tired and just want to give up! Any advice and prayers PLEASE!

He has not been born again!
He gave an admission of infidelity. First and foremost, I would go and get checked for STD's. You owe that to yourself AND to your kids. When you have those results - and I pray for you that you are safe from any infections - I would refuse to have sex with him, unless he wears a condom, because you truly do not know "where he has been". The taking care of your health part absoutely should come first. Please do this.

After that, would he got to counseling? I know you said he won't talk to your pastor - hardly surprising if he is not a Christian - but would he see a non-Christian counselor?
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  #10  
Unread 3rd May 2013, 07:14 PM
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Originally Posted by ConstantlySeeking View Post
Some advice would be very helpful and greatly appreciated...my marriage has been in shambles for quite some now. I'm believing and trusting in God for a restoration but I'm doing in solo. My husband treats me like the enemy. He calls me ugly, a loser, no work ethic (but I'm the only one working), says he doesn't want me. Today we got into a really bad argument (I went in on him too). I felt very ashamed and convicted bc God says not to fight evil with evil or insult with insult. Well during the argument, he showed me a pic of another female's private part in his phone and said that other women have been pleasing him bc I can't. I'm devastated and don't know what to do. I've been faithfully devoted to restoring my marriage now I feel stupid that I wasted my time. I still feel like God is saying He's going to make us have a testimony and that we have work to do for His kingdom together but I just hope that's not just coming from my heart. I want my marriage but I'm tired and just want to give up! Any advice and prayers PLEASE!

He has not been born again!
Personally I would suggest separation and counselling. I think you need space from the emotional and verbal abuse you are experiencing, and professional help to cope and figure out what's next. Maybe your husband needs to face up to the consequences of his actions in regards to this marriage. I don't think your marriage is hopeless, but what you've been doing so far isn't working. Time to change tactics? (Worked for me). May I suggest the book Love Must be Tough by James Dobson. I'm normally not a fan of his but this book changed my life.

Also please get tested for STDs and no more unprotected sex with hubby!!! (Hug)
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