I think you should do yourself a big favor, cease accessing your husband's email.
You are legally separated and the divorce is pending-- reading his emails is only
keeping you stirred up emotionally and making it harder for you to move forward
in getting yourself some help and finding healing for all the pain and suffering
you have dealt with in your marriage.
Now is the time to get back into your own personal relationship with the Lord--
I would encourage you to start making the efforts to find a new church to attend,
you are in need of spiritual nourishment and fellowship with other believers.
The enemy (devil) will keep trying to make you stay away from church and
become estranged with the Lord.
Don't allow him to do that!
You are figuring things out now for yourself and but has it occurred to you that
your husband will always be "present" in your life because he is your son's father
and he has visitations with the child according to your post...
Your husband's addiction er, sins of idolatry and greed have him in a stronghold,
I don't know why his preacher cousin or anyone else "covered" for him but that was
the wrong thing to do.
You can't help an addict by "covering" up what he or she is doing wrong.
Just because he isn't sharing the same home with you and his child doesn't
mean that whatever is affecting your husband won't have an impact on
you, it does affect you and the child.
I found this out for myself when my first husband was doing all his con games
and lying to me about what he did with his pay check, his other women etc.
I thought that once he left/divorced me that would be the end of it-- oh how
wrong I was!
His actions did affect me even though I had no part in his wrong doings, I
found out that I was "guilty" by association.
This is how people around me saw and or thought of me.
I recall how neighbors acted towards me and I remember the cutting remarks
made about me being "his wife" and the insinuation that I benefitted from his
Some even said I made him do those things because I wanted to live good etc.
I know what it's like to start over with no money, no real friends and a major
load of debt being laid on me to pay since my ex was working a job but getting
paid "under the table"... thus all the bill collectors came after me!
I had the Lord and my mom on my side.
I trusted God to get me through all that junk back then and He did!
I kept growing in faith and staying close to Him.
(My mom is my biggest prayer warrior to this day!)
I know it's hard to start over but I know it is better to do it
with God's help than trying to do it on your own.
I don't recommend looking for someone else unless it's the Lord...
you are one of the walking wounded who is in need of God's tender
care-- seek Him and abide in Him above all else.
__________________ "You cannot keep people from talking about you, but you can live so as to make them liars when they do talk about you." - JVM
Last edited by BFine; 31st December 2012 at 03:27 AM.
Divorce is never more than a higher calling, never less than a death penalty.
Originally Posted by EazyMack
So if I get a divorce, the blood of Christ becomes worthless, and I can no longer serve a purpose in advancing God's Kingdom?
I assume your response is to my quote above.
What it means is, it doesn't really matter what you were divorced for, it can never be lorded over you for anything more than a purpose which is in someone's eyes, greater than what you previously recognized. Greater purpose, is not a burden, if you have a greater heart.
Second of all, it doesn't really matter how you think you can make amends, if someone has divorced you, to them it is as good as killing you, which spiritually is what they are doing. Being killed in the name of the law is not a problem, if you are diligent to carry it out. In other words, mourn the loss of your old identity, yes, but don't wait around for more punishment, as you will certainly get it.
You may not understand this even lengthier explanation, unless you think about it; what ever you do, be cautious about making glib statements about how extreme what I am saying sounds, divorce is already extreme, it doesn't take complaining about it to make it worse.
I appreciate the additional explanation, Gottservant. I am the original poster and was not sure what your reply meant for me. I need to add that my husband was the one who ultimately left me and our home. It was a familiar game of manipulation that I had had enough of. I did not wish to reconcile. I realized that after he was out of money, he wanted to come back to me. You must know also, that our initial separation was right around tax return time. He received the tax refund and I never saw a dime of it. I was still in the family home with our child, and he never saw fit to help us financially even with a few thousand dollars in his pocket. And this was our 2nd separation. We had been in marriage counseling for the duration of our marriage. Marriage retreats, Marriage ministry classes with our church, couples counseling, Gamblers Anonymous, and we still had the same problems at year 5 as we did at year 1,2,3, and 4. There seemed to never be any growth. I do not wish to point the finger soley at my husband. I know it takes 2 people to make a marriage successful. It takes 2 people who are living for Christ. My husband, in my opinion, is not a true Christian. He has a form of Godliness, but My Father is not in him. If he did, he would have had some real remorse over the years for what he has put us through. He has had none. To this day, he blames me for his escapades. Saying he wouldn't be out (in the world doing what he's doing) if I would let him come home.
So, thank you for the explanation. I have tried to live my adult life as a Woman of God. And I do not wish to go through the remainder of my life with a Scarlet Letter, so to speak.
I am Living for Christ!
Thank you for your comments/advice. I have my ups and downs. Moments of confidence then moments of insecurity. I have had victories - where I have been able to discern my husbands continued lies or even seen through the "fog" of acquaintances (coworkers, friends of friends, etc) asking me out (to which i have declined). Then moments of weakness when I feel so incredibly lonely and I miss the companionship and the comfort of a relationship. I never imagined this would happen to my life. I married for what I thought was love. But knowing that i was deceived for 5 years - it has shaken me to the core. At this point, I feel that my friends and family are tired of hearing my sob story. I should be "over it" already. I just don't know how to. Even I get tired of it. However, I am still faced with it regularly because he does exercise somewhat consistent visitation with our son. And though I am not dating anyone nor have I gone out on a date since our separation, my husband stipulated that I would introduce him to anyone I planned to introduce to our son (if I were to get serious with anyone in the future). While that does seem like a "fair" and courteous thing to do, it makes me feel like he is still controlling me. In my earlier post I mentioned still having access to his emails. I have seen the correspondence between him and various women in his life. Past and present. I chose not to say anything because I didn't want to "tip my hand" on how I know things about him just in case I needed evidence of any sort in the future. I am thankful that he is no longer my problem. Can someone give me some scriptures to meditate on to help me with forgiveness, courage, and fighting loneliness?
OK, so add "controlling" to the list of your ex's faults. Don't let him do that. Seriously. Put your foot down. Make it transparently clear that he doesn't have a veto when it comes to your future relationships.
__________________ The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God.
1 Corinthians 1:18
Can someone give me some scriptures to meditate on to help me with forgiveness, courage, and fighting loneliness?
I find the Psalms many times have a psalmist that can help me sort out my heart and help me know how to respond to God. I suggest you look at Psalm 35 and think about which parts of David's words you can own for yourself in your specific circumstances. The parts you can identify with, pray to God using David's words as your guide.
Yes, sorry that you're going through this. I really am.
There's no need to tell him you're not going to run a person by him. You know, that would just get into another argument or discord and it may not be the only reason but he is being controlling. You could also respond with something like - I hear what you're saying and move on to the next topic.
Forgiving - I have to forgive because I really need to be forgiven. But I just can't forgive without The Holy Spirit's help. Scripture says to pray for them to be blessed. I admit I don't really mean it the first hundred times I pray it. It may not take that long for you. But as time passes, Yahweh changes me. I keep praying it until there's no hurt when that person's name or situation is brought back up.
Yes, I like many of the Psalms, too. Psa 145 for one.
Stand on your marriage, keep praying... God will transform it. Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman is committing adultery. If a wife divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.
I'm sorry, but that man left the marriage. He committed adultery with his own earthly passions.
God can't transform a marriage if God is not the center of it. Just like the Holy Spirit can't change a stubborn heart.
__________________ I know I am frank. I apologize if you weren't prepared for my honest opinion.
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I have been separated since April 2012 and am awaiting divorce. I was married for 5 years. My husband is a compulsive gambler/addict. The amount of deception and lying that comes along with an addict need not be explained. Ive been nearly homeless, utilities disconnected, on the receiving end of charity, moved 3 times, all the while my husband had lost 12 jobs during the time we were together, took money from my sons piggy bank and he claimed to be a Christian. My husband and I were married within 6 months of meeting each other. I know now that this was an error on my part. We received pre-marriage counseling from his pastor - who is also his cousin. This so-called Man of God was in the middle of our marriage to the extent of being a crutch to my husband. there was no disagreement or argument that wasnt run by Pastor, cousin ***. When he "counseled" my husband not to tell me that he had gotten back into gambling I was done with him, his church, his advice.
Since my separation, my husband has not contributed financially to help care for our son even though I have obtained legal custody and established a child support order through the courts. I have access to his email still, and I have seen things I am shocked to know about the man I am married to. I had no idea who he really was/is. I am ashamed at my choice for a husband and I pray that he matures into a Godly father for the sake of our little boy.
I have not dated anyone nor do I have the desire to. I am afraid of the process of meeting someone, trusting them, believing them and finding out they are not who they claimed to be. As a Christian, I understand that I am still legally married. But I am also afraid of being paralyzed by fear - of never moving forward and of being alone for the rest of my life.
i am looking for advice on how to really move forward when the time comes.
So sad to hear of your plight., but, as one who has gone thru divorce...i can tell you that better days are coming . Right now you may feel down, lonely, without hope, without optimism for the future....but if you belong to Christ then you have a whole arsenal of things to help you to overcome this tragedy in your life.
The biggest suggestion i can make is to get into a Divorce Recovery Class , preferably a Christian based one at a large local church. You shouldnt have trouble finding one given the divorce rate today. This will help tremendously in rebuilding your life gradually. Dont expect your life to suddenly get better, for, these things take awhile and they have to work themselves out thru relying on Gods love and power in your life in addition to you cooperating in the healing process. But you need the support of others going thru the same thing right now. So dont delay in finding a Group for Divorce Recovery.
Secondly, i think what you have discovered is that it is so vital to objectively consider a potential marriage partner to see if they have any addictions, nuerosis , character problems, or damaged personality which makes for a very difficult marriage to someone like that. I know if you ever find a man who you are considering for marriage, that you will go very heavy on objective analysis so you truly learn from your past mistake. You need an objective CANNOT HAVE list already layed out before you start dating again so you can avoid early on, being with a wrong toxic person.
Finally, you need to resign to wanting whatever GOD WANTS for your life from this point forward. It may be for you to remain Single as a CHristian for the rest of your life , or, it may be for you to eventually get married again in later years to a Godly Man who takes his CHristian Walk seriously. Either way, in HIS will is our peace and fulfillment...not in our Will for what we *think we need. Dont ever fall into the pit of desperation being a Christian SIngle/Divorcee by thinking 'if you only had a man in your life youd be complete'....for....you are already complete in Christ . What you need as every other CHristian SIngle needs, is :
1. A good strong network of Christian Friends . Make these female only until you are emotionally healthy again from your divorce.
2. Belong to a Christian SIngles Ministry so you can continue to grow in the Lord as a Single and get encouragement from others. And to get some good wholesome fun in, too.
3. Do alot of introspection as to how YOU may have contributed to your marriage going downhill . Its common to always blame the other for everything, but, see if you can pinpoint some not so good habits that you got into with your marital relationship. Learn from them. Ask God for forgiveness for them, and, your ex-husband too.
4. Get as close to Christ as you possibly can because this is a great time for him to provide comfort and assurance that things will be fine , and for you to lean on him alot as your best Friend and Lord. Study your Bible, spend loads of time in praise and worship to him, possibly take on some serving or volunteering opportunity which will keep you busy and will help others who may be hurting someway.
5. Meet regularly with your Pastor or good trusted Female Friend who you can unload with . Listen to good Godly advice from seasoned Christians. Get a hold of some CD's about surviving a Divorce and get all you can out of them .
I can't really offer much in the way of advice about recovery from this situation apart from to pray about it, but I would suggest that you make sure that you are financially separated from him, that there is no way he can embroil you in his finances (make sure he can't take out loans in your name or put up your property as security)and then leave you holding the can at the end.
You should be seeking reconciliation. The only reason for separation is adultery or violence. It's better to be the wife of an irresponsible gambler, than to leave him and bank on a new husband. That bitterness toward him will hinder your relationship with God, and remember the scripture that says a wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives.