cant leave abusive husband

Hello ...I have been here several times for advice, its been a long time almost a year...just to give a run down my husband was physically abusive for about 6 years and we have been together for 7 yrs, married for 4yrs, we have a blended family of 8 kids from previous marriage each and 1 of those is our own together all are girl but 1, I have been battling this issue since may of 2011 deciding on whether to leave or stay...we have split up 3 times with the last one being last december for over a month, but after that we decided to reconcile our marriage and we also renewed our vows in july of this year, but slowly things have returned to its previous state minus the physical abuse, except last night he has proved he still has a slight problem with that which I will get to in a min. We are both Christians ...well I think he is ...I know I am since nov 2008, and I have tried and tried to make this work but its good for a couple days but the emotional and mental abuse always comes back..the kids ..mostly the older ones are so fed up with it all they want to leave the home and they can't handle it any longer and I feel horrible because I am allowing this to go on with them because I keep having hope that he is going to finally "GET IT" but everytime I give him another chance he blows it in a day or so ....I can't take it anylonger and neither can they, okay the biggest dilema here is I have no idea how to stop loving this man! I don't even know how I love him but I do and its like I can't split from him cause I feel like its gonna kill me inside because I love him so much ( or I think) I wish I knew what was wrong with my head and why I can't just end this hell that we are all in! Its like I want to but I can't, I even got a job! The second job in my life because I want to be able to take care of my children if somthing does happen and I leave him or I have him leave but still even having a job isn't helping much for me to leave, it does a little. Okay so last night is an example ...everything was going great for maybe 3 days and I felt like finally there is hope and then he wanted to have sex but I knew he was tired so I said we don't have to tonight if your tired and he took it that I didn't want to cause I was tired..anyways to make a long story short he got angry was rambling things off like your rude and you know I don't like rejection (he just told me the day before this that its okay if I don't want to that we can just cuddle) ...I said I just thought you were tired and can't we cuddle and we can tommarow night and he was still angry so I ignored him and he ripped the blankets off me and then I got them back then he layed down and as my back was turned towards him I was ignoring him he started to be rough with me and tickle me real hard then...and then pulled blankets off me again while ignoring him and here is the humiliating part, he preceded to rip off my pants and underwear...that's embarassing but I had to put that in there, after that he left me alone and went to bed grumbling...and so he was sorry the next day after a while but he noticed I was still upset about it and then he was mad again saying how he is never good enough and that I keep doing this to him...blah blah blah same old crap to make me feel sorry for him so I run back and kiss his butt and then we make up until the next thing that happends!....I just don't know how to leave this man in the past? He will become very deppressed and he hardly has has friends or anybody because of how he acts, and he has a real low self esteem and he will show is sweet good side to me as soon as he thinks its over then I have a hard time making him leave cause I feel like the mean one! I don't know how I will handle him with another woman, its like I have to have him but I don't want him anymore and I can't have both and its got me all messed up and my kids messed up I can't handle this any more I really can't ...yes he has been to counseling and accually he just started back up on the 15th of this month...please please any kind of advice I would greatly appreciate it cause I really need some...april

First, let me ask...what type of homelife did you grow up in? Did your father treat your mother this way and did she constantly stay?
What type of homelife did your husband grow up in? Was he abused verbally, physically and did his father abuse his mother the way your husband abuses you?
You are in an abusive relationship and you have to ask yourself why you stay. (?)
I am assuming that you have mostly girls living in this house...is this how you want their boyfriends or husbands to treat them? If this is what they see...then chances are high that they will follow the same pattern.
It's important to know why you can't stand up to this man and leave. Do you not leave for fear of being alone, for fear of being a single mother, fear of not having enough money?
Have you been to counseling to figure this all out? If you are afraid to leave then then are resources to help you get out.
You say that he will be depressed and he hardly has friends or anyone because of how he acts. Well....I'm sorry to be rough, but that can't be your problem when he's been abusive toward you.
He has treated you poorly. He has you on such a roller coaster that you don't know what to do and your mind is confused.
To try and pull off your pants and underwear without your consent is disrespectful and not something a husband should be doing to his wife if he truely loves her.
It appears that when he doesn't get his way he pouts and gets angry. He obviously also has anger issues.
Do you feel you are always walking on egg shells? Do you kids always feel they are walking on egg shells? If so, then that makes for a very unstable home life.
If not for yourself, do it for your kids.
You say you don't know if you would be able to handle him with another woman. If it were me...I think I would feel sorry for the other woman that got messed up with him if he treats you this way. I don't know...maybe the intimacy is great...but is it really enough? You say you love him, but is it enough? You have kids who need a stable environment. They should be coming first.
Do all of these children live with you or is it just the 1 that you have together?
You have to put thoughts aside of being fearful of him getting depressed, not having anyone, and whether you'd be able to handle him with another woman. Your thoughts should be totally on your safety and the well being of your children.

He didn't grow up in a family like that whatsover, his real father was very controlling but he didn't live with him past the ahe of 2, my father was very controlling but not in a mean way that he would intimidate her but he did control her by her never having a job and running everything in the house ..he had ocd, I also had no affection or I love you told to me growing up, I am kinda confused as to why I can't leave ...sometimes I think it because I love him so much but then I can't stand him either..so that doesn't even make sense, the money issue isn't a real bi thing I have a job and he will pay me support for his one daughter, and I know God will provide, being alone could be part of it I guess, he always sais no other guy will want mefor a relationship cause the only thing they want from a women with kids is sex, and not too many is like him that would take on 4 children that's not his, which is our case, its almost like I will feel like a part of me is missing..or like I have to have him...I don't really know what it is..I just wish I didn't feel that way cause it would have been over a long time ago...he has a way of being sorry sorry and looking like this time is the time he will change and I bite it and he hooks me for fear that maybe it was the time he is going to be different and I should have tried one more time, I feel like it will be unbearable to separate cause he will be so hurt and I will feel responsible for that and then when he would move on I will feel like I was never good enough..I don't know...I am going to call a counselor today that I seen last year and see if she can help me sort this all out...but your right...the kids feelings should be above my own and they r the ones that are helping me even consider leaving or have him leave cause they have already been damaged enough by this...8 kids...1 in college 7 at home living with us, we have 1 daughter and he has 3 from previous marriage and I have 4 from previous marrige .

April, let me be blunt. Pulling off your pants and underwear was not acceptable. If he had gone further (i.e. penetration) after you had told him 'no' this would have been considered rape, even in a marriage relationship. This man does not have good intentions for you. That's the key question to ask any time a spouse does something that we might question. Is this person doing this with my best intentions in mind or not?
I have taken heat for this POV in the past, but so be it-your husband is not 'present' in the marriage and is acting as an unbeliever. The abuse needs to be brought to the attention FIRST of law enforcement if he is abusive to you again so he can face up to his behavior, SECOND to his counselor (if it does not put you in harms way by doing so), and THIRD to the attention of the leadership of your church to counsel you on what to do about your marriage. Husbands are instructed to treat their wives this way in scripture:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. (Eph. 5: 25-30).
So you need to realistically ask yourself "Is my husband treating me according to scripture or not and does he love me the way Christ loves the church"? Also, ask yourself if it is truly loving him to allow him to continue in his behavior without consequences.

In our society, certain crimes and sins are heavily stigmatized. One category is men who hit their wives. Below that is men who beat and injure little children. After that are rapists, then child molesters, etc. Men don't like abusive men because it really goes against our ingrained instinct to protect women and the ethics in our society. It goes against Christian ethics, too. Women don't like men who beat women.

I've heard and read the feminist domestic violence center type philosophy that once a man is an abuser, he is always an abuser. (A feminist version of it is that all men are potential abusers.) But as Christians, we also have to realize that God's redemption is for people in these stigmatized groups as well. God can save even wife beaters and child molesters and change them.

Even so, when someone comes on an Internet forum and says that someone used to hit his wife or do one of these other stigmatized things it hits a nerve. If your husband has done that, and you tell the forum about it, you are going to get people telling you to leave him, because that's the gut-reaction people in our culture have to the whole topic of men who are abusive to their wives, at least physically abusive.

The thing is, though, if you have forgiven him and are trying to make things work-- if you think he has repented and is working through his problems, you are going to be torn. On the one hand, you remember the past and you don't want to leave you or your family vulnerable if he turns violent. On the other hand, you know that if you want to move forward with the relationship, you need to let yourself be vulnerable in some ways and just trust him. Your instinct to leave tells you not to let yourself be vulnerable both emotionally and in terms of supporting yourself and to keep some control over the situation. Your instinct to stay tells you that you have to let yourself be vulnerable.

As far as what happened last night is concerned, I don't know how the conversation went, but if you let on that you had said that about him being tired not because you weren't interested, but because you didn't want him to feel obligated, and he knew that, maybe what he was doing was really bad seduction. In the right context, a man yanking off his wife's undergarments isn't necessarily a bad thing. It might even be appreciated. Does he ever tickle you before initiating? Maybe when you were in a better mood (or he thought you were) he had ticked you, and then you two had some intimate time together after that. If that's the case, he might have been thinking he tickled you, got you laughing, and now was a good time to take off your undergarments. It could have been just really bad seduction on his part that didn't work. Men don't always read their wives moods right. Think it through from his perspective and you might even ask him calmly what he was thinking because you genuinely want to know what his motivation was. Maybe he was being unduly aggressive. Especially if you've got a history of him doing the same sort of thing when you have sex when you are both into it, be careful how you interpret his actions when you happen to be in a bad mood.

IMO, it seems unlikely that a man will suggest sexual activity with his wife if he feels he's too tired to be interested. Maybe if a man's wife wants more than he does, he might. I don't know. A wife has power over her husband's body, and a husband has power over his wife's body. The husband and wife are not to defraud one another. We are to take our other needs very serious and consider one's own body to belong to the spouse in that regard.

As far as divorce or separation goes, my advice would not to leave your husband, separate, or divorce, based on advice you get from people on the Internet who don't know you and haven't met your husband, either. Some people are quick to tell you to leave. If at all possible, go find a Christian counselor who takes marriage seriously.

I wish I knew of a Christian program that was available everywhere that teaches men who have abusive tendency how to talk to their wives, how to control their anger, and provides one-on-one coaching to men to help them get on track as husbands and fathers. I wish this ministry were available everywhere. There may be something like that where you are. It would be worth doing some web searches to find out. Maybe a church has a good men's ministry where the men can meet and talk about being better husbands and he could have some kind of accountability prayer partner to talk through how his daily life with you.

Keep praying for him. I've prayed for you guys, too.

lil_elf320-
Some here will try to sway you that you aren't really experiencing what you are experiencing. The will also try to tell you that you will need to 'submit' to your husband's authority in these matters. You don't need to listen. Stay strong and do what you need to do to protect yourself.

@linkh...I believe his motivation was throwing a childish temper tantrem because he didn't get his way...I have been with this man in all his differnt moods and he certainly was not being seductive by anymeans he was very rough with me and then he ripped my pants and underwear off in pure anger, I really don't need someone to confuse me anymore than I already am! I appreciate you input but I have been going at this for 7 yrs and I know enough to know when he is angry with me, and one of the biggest concerns is these 8 children...the 4 teens girls are so sick of it and stressed out by him one now in college has a anxiety disoder and the other one is on the brink of a mental breakdown and these two are his bio children so I can't imagine how my two teens feel! Counseling was tried, prayer, talking to pastor on many occasions we separated 3 times, family meetings, he gets it for a few days then once he is comfortable with everything going back to normal he goes back into controlling mode and everything goes his way mode and then everyone is walking on egg shells and is nervous to do anything, I have forgiven him for his past abuse I truly can say I have, but its still going on and if he can rip off my clothes by force then I believe he is still capable of doing worse, I came here not to here whether or not he is abusive ...I know he is, I came here for advice on how to break free of this terrible vicious cycle that me and these children are caught up in, I think he feels bad after he does these things cause he is going to "get in trouble" so he needs to quickly say sorry and how terrible he behaved but I know he hasn't truly repented because when I don't respond the way he expects me to, to his apology like I say oh its okay I forgive you just work harder is what he wants to hear so he is off the hook for his behaviour..when I respond in a manner such as no I am still upset with what you have done and I don't think your changing for the better then he becomes irate because he wants me to let it go...if he was truly sorry he would say I understand honey...I really was out of place and I had no right to violate you that way I don't expect you to be okay with me right now then that's him humbling himself and is truly sorryful, no I get well I guess your going to just throw me away for having a attitude with you...that's what he said it was! An attitude!! Wow..what if some boy did that to his daughtrs would he buy that excuse? Heck no! I am sorry for venting but I needed to get that out! Maybe that needs to go towards him, I am sorry if I overstepped my bounds there or I may have sounded a bit harsh but he does enough rationalizing and manipulating towards me and he only cares about himself and it shows time and time again...my issue is not really if I should go but how do I because its like he has me under this magic cloud and all he needs to do is pull a few strings and he ends up keeping me under his control again and then here we are back in the same runaround cycle that never ceases to stop

I'm with apostolic34....you have to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. If you don't leave the cycle will just continue. You don't have to divorce, but separation is key. Regardless of your husbands needs or your needs...YOUR CHILDREN need a stable environment.
If he wasn't abusive and you just argued about petty things then I would say compromise...work things out. But you have tried and tried...stayed and stayed...he tells you he's sorry when things go bad and then goes right back to behaving badly. The cycle will just continue if you do not break it. You both need serious counselling in order for the marriage to ever be stable enough.

I'd say counsel with someone who can see him in real life and see how the two of you interact. I've seen cases on these forums where one spouse posts and people give all this strong advice, then the other spouse posts, and everyone back-pedals on what they say. I've seen where one poster posts, and people say divorce, leave her--she's acting like an unbeliever who abandoned you, then the man who posted comes back and shares that he did not tell the whole story.

A few months ago, my wife and I were speaking to a woman who told how awful her husband was. He'd done some bad things, and she brought it up often. She said he'd get depressed and not be active in helping them with their crisis they faced. He'd threatened to kill himself, she said. Then he'd talk about leaving the family and sleeping outside. She said he wanted to leave them to fend for themselves.

Then my wife and I met with this man and his wife. It turns out he would say stuff like that to basically ''agree and amplify" with what she said. I can't remember the specific examples. If she talked about him like he was worthless, he might say something like maybe he should get hit by a bus and die. That's not the real example, but stuff like that. His point was to point out how extreme she was being. She didn't have a clue he was trying to make a point, and was repeating all this stuff to people when she badmouthed him to blow of steam, get sympathy, and get help for her other problems. Really, she was domineering during the conversation, and treated him with a lot of disrespect.

A lot of what she was saying about him was technically true. My wife and I and other people who listened to her talk about it had one idea when we heard her side of the story, but when we saw how she treated him, I could understand how he could just get depressed and shut down, talk about sleeping on the street, and all kinds of stuff like that as a normal human reaction to trying to deal with her.

My point is not to imply that you are that way. My point is that she didn't realize certain things about herself and her relationship with her husband. And if she went to people who didn't know her husband and had not seen them interact and did not know what he was like, she would not get the same advice she would get from someone who knew about him. People on this forum don't know if your husband is an ex-Navy seal who can track anyone or anything. We don't know how he reacts to different situations beyond what you tell us. I think you need to get some real-life help from people who have a better grasp of what's going on and what you are facing.

Lundy Bancroft – Books

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"Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring one another- Romans 12: 9-10