Need to just vent

I woke up today not feeling well. I tried to be positive and got ready for the day. I did some chores and everything too. I really try to be a good person you know? But honestly, sometimes I cannot be there for people in certain ways. I am weaker. Sometimes I hide, it is what I do and I am trying to do it less.

To come from a long time of pure and literally pure isolation to where I am at now is a big deal. I have even often times wondered if I have agoraphobia but honestly don't really even talk about that. In fact, this is the first time I have ever said that to anyone but God.

I am hypersensitive and just struggle. I feel I do not know anyone who can relate. I feel I struggle to even be open at all. I just feel sick and am having a bad day.


I feel worthless. I feel like what I do is not good enough for anyone. I feel panicky and I feel like hiding. I feel like my efforts are just nothing anymore. God sees my heart and He sees when I try and I guess sometimes that is all that matters.

I feel fat and I feel ugly and have since this morning.

I don't need compliments I just need to get it out because I feel right now not one person can relate but there must be someone somewhere who can.

I am sorry if this is not stuff I should be saying publicly but right now, I really feel alone.


These are all feelings and I need to try hard to trust God's truth and word but right now, I just want to curl up with my cats and just shut everything out.


I guess it would be good to ask for prayer.

__________________

"Our danger is to water down God’s word to suit ourselves.
God never fits His word to suit me; He fits me to suit His word." Not Knowing Whither, 901 R


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

(((Cally)))

I relate very much to many things that you wrote. I am a negative person by nature and tend to annoy others by being that way. And I get annoyed back by feeling obligated to act positive for their sake.

I isolate myself to a very unhealthy extent. I'm trying to change that little by little, but I have many setbacks. I'm also afraid to traveling away from home to places that I am unfamiliar with.

I'm over-sensitive and let everything bother me. I thank God that He has given me a therapist who I feel comfortable enough with to open up with. It has eased my lonliness to be able to talk with her, and deal with the painful issues which have been holding me back.

I feel worthless, by the world's standards, and that nothing I do is good enough either. Maybe God wants me to feel that way so that I will find my value and worth in the position which He has given me in Christ; rather than in my status in the world. Maybe I would become very puffed up with pride and vanity if I were an important person in the world and had the admiration of other people.

I'm also upset with my physical appearance very often. I'm not good looking, I have awful teeth, bad skin, and I'm overweight.

I understand how you feel Cally, I wish that I could make you feel better. My love to you, my sister in Christ.

__________________

Dude you are def not worthless!!!! God created us in his image we are great we are above angels!

Just like you said yourself all that matters is what god thinks not what anyone else thinks. Especially people of this world who don't even know god. His opinion is the only thing that matters.

I love you, Cally. Praying for you.

__________________
God is making you desperate for Him. It's not an accident! Our plans of a little, cushy life are not going to happen. Cushy is not happening! Challenging is what's happening!
~Francis Anfuso

Thank you.

I am really struggling right now. About a month ago, the space I had at my parents was I felt ripped away. My sister and kids destroyed it and most of my things while I was away. I am currently not there and will be moving in with my great aunt later this fall.

But I mean I feel like I am traumatized by so much loss in my life and this I felt was the last straw. To go into what was my safe space for just me and see things broken, filthy, and ruined was absolutely heartbreaking. I am blessed to have a roof over my head but I no longer have an area of my very own. Sometimes I cannot sleep and picture myself in that room. Sometimes I even picture myself in a couple of my old apartments. I had space that was mine, or at least God was letting me use, that I felt safe in.

To some, losing a bedroom at your parents or a place may not sound like a big deal but to me, it is absolutely devastating. It is bad enough I struggle with fears of leaving to go anywhere but now I am in a different place. I do not even have a bed. I don't have any piece of furniture that is mine. I havent in years.

I probably should talk about it and get support. I probably should tell my pastor but I feel it is stupid stuff. I feel people are suffering more in this world. I also am embarrassed to cry.

So a girl that hides at times has nowhere of her own to hide and it is too scary for me at times.


I used to volunteer for awhile. I was so active in church. I had my own room. It is gone, just gone. I am so embarrassed but I just can't hold things in anymore.

__________________

"Our danger is to water down God’s word to suit ourselves.
God never fits His word to suit me; He fits me to suit His word." Not Knowing Whither, 901 R


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

You're not stupid at all Cally. I've had my space violated by people too, and I've gotten very angry when my stuff is touched and moved. And I feel like I don't have any control either. I had my own apartment, where I was self-supporting and paid all of the bills myself, from 1992-1994. I lost all of that when I fell apart, and I haven't been self-supporting since. I hate the feeling of being dependent on my birth family for survival, since I have so many bad memories involving them. I find it very demeaning to be reliant on my mother, father and siblings for survival at 40 years of age. I wish that I were well enough to function on my own and take care of myself and be self-supporting again.

I guess my point in saying all that is to let you know that I understand Cally, and I don't think your feelings are stupid.

__________________

Thanks Tom. God knew how much I needed that right now.

I am so sorry for what you are going through and have gone through. That sounds really difficult. I am not glad that you struggle but am glad someone can relate.

__________________

"Our danger is to water down God’s word to suit ourselves.
God never fits His word to suit me; He fits me to suit His word." Not Knowing Whither, 901 R


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

now we are invoking That One Who really is the only true God of the whole universe, God, we do not want to have other god/lord except only Those Ones Who really are the true Heavenly Father and the true Lord - Jesus Christ, i do not prefer to intervene in the life of any soul than it to be turned out that i caused something bad to some human - i believe that only You know and can the best for all people, please, loose our sister with nickname "cmjames84" from all unholy bond(-s) - purify her, we ask You this in the Name of Your firstborn and only begotten Son - the Lord Jesus Christ

every who want to say "Amen"

Blessings

Cally,

I know I don't know you really well, but I have seen your heart here on CF and it is beautiful!

I can relate to much of what you wrote. I too struggle with not wanting to leave the house and wanting to just hide. I too am hypersensitive.

I guess I just want to tell you that you are not alone. I care about you. I have valued your prayers so much and still pray for you.

I don't know if I am making any sense at all, but I just want to reach out to you and let you know I care.

God bless you,

Court

__________________
"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."

Cally, I can relate and have been thinking about the agoraphobia thing lately. I hide inside, too. I am afraid of going out and being hurt by someone verbally mostly. I am praying for you sister.

__________________


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.