Thoughts of suicide but not suicidal

Silver-winged Flyer · #1 3rd September 2012, 10:20 AM

Hi

Sometimes when I'm doing better, I have thoughts of suicide but I don't feel suicidal and when I am really struggling, I'm not suicidal at all.
I don't believe that suicide is ever the right way out.

Does anybody else have this?

Earlier on I was bombarded by evil thoughts, I couldn't pick up what the thoughts were but it was just like an evil wave attacking my brain. I prayed through it and it seems to have stopped now but my head is actually sore from the experience - I think from the thoughts and trying to focus on what's positive and true.

My counselor is helping me realise what my negative/irrational thoughts are and substitutimg them for the truth which has been helping, it stops me from having a major depressive episode but last week I couldn't control my thoughts and I have a bad period which I started climbing out of on Saturday and feel like I'm still getting out of it.

cmjames84 · #2 3rd September 2012, 04:14 PM

I have had some moments like that as well like 3 or 4 years ago. It really can be trying at times.

I am so glad that you are working on this with your counselor. Having someone to help you figure things out and work through them is awesome! I hope things get better and will pray right now.

Silver-winged Flyer · #3 3rd September 2012, 04:23 PM

Thank you so much! Thank you for understanding what I went through.
Yes, I have a fantastic counselor and she is definitely helping me to work through issues that have a big influence in my depression. I can message her any time and she'll pray for me. Definitely a Godsend

cmjames84 · #4 3rd September 2012, 04:26 PM

You are welcome.

Oh wow, that really is awesome! So she counsels and prays for you? That is a Godsend for sure!

How are you doing today?

Silver-winged Flyer · #5 4th September 2012, 04:20 AM

Absolutely and its free so a major blessing!

I'm doing better today, thanks. My finances are looking very tight this month as well as deadlines for assignments but I'm trying to just live an hour/day at a time, focus on what I can do and try to plan as much as possible so I don't get overwhelmed by the enormity of it.

oriel · #6 4th September 2012, 06:51 PM

Hi Silver, Cmjames is right it's great that you are able to take these thoughts and issues to your counsellor. I suffered from depression for quite a bit of time, I also went through similar spiritual attacks and one day even prayed to God so that He would be kind enough to not wake me up in the morning! The last thing happened around four years ago, and you know what I don't have those death thoughts anymore. I think that those thoughts came because I was feeling overwhelmed and afraid of the situation that I was in at the time that I couldn't see a future.

I notice that you said you only have suicidal thoughts when you are OK but not when you are not. I think that this testifies to the fact that you don't actually believe it's a option, it could be that your mind is subconsciously putting forward as an option to survive the next bad turn or episode. Rationalising suicide as a viable choice, but your inner man knows this is not the case otherwise you would be thinking more along these lines when you are down.

Praying is an excellent way of dealing with negative attacks but out of interest how else do you manage/deal with your negative thoughts/feelings?

Criada · #7 5th September 2012, 05:50 PM

It sounds as though you have a great support system and the skills to deal with the negative thoughts - that's so great

Praying that things continue to improve sweetie.

Silver-winged Flyer · #8 7th September 2012, 01:25 PM

Thank you CMJames, Oriel and Criada for replying, I really appreciate it.

Oriel - what you said makes alot of sense and I do believe that suicide is not an option. My first way of dealing with my thoughts is to recognize that my thoughts are irratonal and/or negative and replace them with the Truth from the Bible.
I've learned how to do this with the help of my counselor.

If I don't take hold of my thoughts and I let them take over, I spiral into depression which is obviously harder to get out of. The hardest thing my counselor has told me to do when I'm feeling depressed is to fight - I'm sure you will know that when you're depressed you don't feel like doing alot of things but she has told me to force myself to do them. Sometimes I manage to do this and other times I just don't have the energy, I know that God will give me the strength to do it regardless of how I'm feeling but sometimes it is just too hard.
If I'm having a bad episode, I just try to remember that God is with me, He's holding me and I wait for it to pass.

I go for an Art class once a week which I find is good therapy as long as I don't let myself get frustrated if my painting is not working the way I want it to.
I'm working full time and studying part time and I'm involved in my church so I don't have alot of free time but if I think I'm under too much pressure and need to do something different, I can go to the library during my lunch break which is a block away from where I work. I find the library is my happy place

Thanks Criada, yes my counselor is great but I don't have alot of friends so I struggle with loneliness sometimes.
This week I've been up and down. Art on Thursday evening went great but today I had a mini meltdown at work because I have a deadline that's early next week and I'm just not getting through the work fast enough plus I have assignments that are overdue so I think I just felt overwhelmed.

I'm studying now, hoping to submit one of two late assignments this weekend.

Thanks again for your replies and checking in with me