Happily Engaged! ..mostly.. fiance is not a virgin; worried about our wedding night.

briarrose22 · #1 17th July 2012, 03:39 AM

I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask this kind of question... I just am really struggling, and need someone to talk to about this.I accidentally posted this is the "Courting Couples" section and then realized the topic wasn't allowed, sorry for that!... ANYway

My fiance and I have been together for 3 years. I am a virgin, but he has been with three girls before me. He grew up Christian (Jehovah's Witness) and while he feels extremely regretful of his actions now, and says he wished he had never done that, the fact still remains that we will be going into our marriage with this baggage. I try to justify it a little.. I know it is difficult to abstain these days, and I also know he went through an extremely difficult time in his family during the time when he became sexually active. I realize a lot of the motives behind his actions were (unfortunate) coping mechanisms for his other troubles. We have a fantastic relationship, and are both very open, very committed, and want the best for each other and our upcoming marriage. However, as the big day looms near, and I think of our first night together as husband and wife, I can't help but feel saddened when I am reminded of his past. I try to console myself with the knowledge that he has waited all this time for me, and that he has expressed deep and genuine regret. I want to be able to accept this and move past it. I realize forgiveness is a major theme underlying this issue. I have known about this for a long time, and I have forgiven it. I realize I am also not unblemished by sin, and it would be completely unfair to hold one sin against him while he accepts all of my transgressions. I suppose my main problem now is the fact that I worry our wedding night will not feel or be as special and symbolic, given that he has already shared that moment with other people, no matter how casual it seemed to him at the time. I also strongly feel that sex bonds two people spiritually forever, and it pains me to know that he will be forever linked to other people. I think of sex as an incredibly important, meaningful experience, and even though I know that our wedding night will be important and meaningful, could it ever be 100% what it could be if we were both going into it as virgins? What can we/I do to help our situation? Thank you!

SiyoNqoba · #2 17th July 2012, 06:54 AM

First of all, congratulations on the engagement!

Your wedding night will be important and meaningful. It will be very, very different for him to have sex with you, then with anyone else he's slept with. You will have made a legal and spiritual covenant in front of those most important to you. It will be extremely meaningful for him.

My situation was slightly different. My husband and I had slept with each other prior to marriage, and then started waiting again after awhile. Our wedding night was like nothing else. I expected that I would be effected by it, but I was so suprised at how meaningful it was to him too.

Remember, he has never had sex with someone he's married to

Yes, sex does tie two people together, but our God is stronger then any spiritual bonds. I'm sure those bonds are already broken, but it might help you if you two got together with a pastor or minister and prayed specifically for those bonds to be broken.

Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk further

A2597 · #3 17th July 2012, 11:08 AM

Yes, sex does create ties, but those ties are not permenant, and can be broken. It's very possible that they already are, but as suggested above, meeting with a pastor and praying specifically to break them is a good idea.

I've spoken with many guys who have had sex before marriage, and they all agreed on one point. Sex in marriage, with their wife, is entirely different, and sooo much better, than sex outside of marriage!

Remember, he is engaged to you, and soon to be married to you. He loves you in ways you don't even know yet, and he's shown that love to be true by abstaining during your relationship. That he was able to do so tells me that his past relations have been broken, and that you have nothing to worry about on your wedding night.

MC0 · #4 2nd August 2012, 02:24 PM

Congratulations on your engagement!!

Although my tone may sound very HARSH in the following response to your post, I have to really just shoot out what I would say to you if you were my biological sister or bestfriend.

I think you have not yet let go of this guy's past. I think that you have put in partial effort in regards to how you dealt with his past. You have to realize that if this your fiance has genuinely asked God for forgiveness, you are moving in the opposite direction from God by continually reliving his past. The Bible says God forgives us of our iniquities and remembers them no more. You are "trying" to forgive him of his iniquities but you also clearly continue to remember them. I don't know if this is something you are consciously or unconsciously doing, but you are NOT forgiving him of what he has done. To truly forgive is to truly forget and have that event completely BLOTTED out of your memory, even if it takes a conscious effort.

If your wedding night ends up being less than 100%, it is because YOU have made it so. By continually choosing to remember his past sin, you are creating an elephant in the room that will be truly present on that night. You cannot create a disturbing elephant and yet expect that all will go well that night. Its just not going to happen that way. This sin was committed against God, Not you. And if God (who the sin was committed against) could forgive and COMPLETELY FORGET this your fiance, why can't you? How many times have your sins been thrown back to your face in worry of how it will affect your relationship or wedding night?

The accuser of brethren is a role played by the devil who continually accuses us of our pasts, seeking for ways to cause God to remember our sins. But since the blood of Jesus has totaly paid for our sins to be blotted out of history, the accuser of brethren continually fails in his mission. That is a role played by the devil. Not you. You ought to be the one to encourage him everytime he thinks that God has not forgiven him of his sin. You ought to be the voice of God to him whenever the shadows of his past get thrown at him, rather than further accusing him (even if you are doing so silently in your heart.) Everytime he remembers his past sins, you ought to be that Christ-like soothing voice and say "no baby, that's not what God thinks. He has forgotten. You sound crazy to Him because you are talking about something that He cannot find in any of his records". You ought to be that voice that keeps telling him to completely forget what happened before.

I understand the significance of virginity. I am a virgin. Its really only by God's grace. I give him 2000% of the credit. So, I can relate with you. But I think that by continually recalling his failings, you are creating for yourself a perception of him that WILL hinder your ability to enjoy the new creation that God's forgiveness and Christ's blood has made him to be. Be the voice of Christ in this matter, not the accuser of brethren. ACTIVELY TEACH YOURSELF TO FORGET his past. The forgiving and forgetting part is for GOD. Your role is to join in God in forgetting it, rather than sitting on that "should i forgive" seat.

Once again, I do not know if you are doing this consciously or unconsciously but if he has genuinely sought forgiveness at the foot of the throne, all ties and connections have been broken by the blood of Jesus. STOP RECALLING WHAT HAS BEEN LONG FORGIVEN AND FORGOTTEN. Remember that if he had not opened his mouth to tell you about his past, you would not have know. This goes to show that this "worry" you have is a conscious thing from your mind. He could have acted like a virgin and you would have bought it. In so much as this is a thing of this past, you are unnecesarly overworking yourself on this issue. Help him to heal from the past and seek ways to facilitate the process of his forgetting.

Lastly, STOP PLACING SUCH EMPHASIS ON THIS SEX THING. Yes, sex is a great thing and we as virgins feel that because we have "kept ourselves" for soooo long, we ought to have this mind-blowing, earth-shattering, anointed, wall-quaking, throat-ripping, eyeball-rolling kinda sex. STOP! That's a good recipe for disappointment which can harm the marriage from the very first night. Yes, you can have your idea of what pleasurable things you'd like in your sexual relationship with your spouse, but stop creating this 100% standard that can have you sour at the end of the night. Remember, virgin or no virgin, you and your spouse's idea of 100% will not always be the same. Rather, give yourself a mental and emotional break and pray that the best sexual pleasure from God will happen on that night for you both. Pray for this your man and pray that God will help prevent any past memories from hindering "HIS happiness and enjoyment that night". STOP thinking only about how this will affect you. Pray to God that no matter your fiance's past, you are ready to work with this new man to achieve God's standard of a relationship, maritally, sexually, physically, emotionally, e.t.c.

Speak GOOD things about your wedding night and see it happen. Speak bad things about your wedding night and you will see those bad things happen. It will happen just as you speak it to be. Remember, power of life and death are in the tongue. Speak life into your wedding night and beyond and you will see just that happen. Let go, stop hanging on to things that are dead and forgotten, and help your man step out from the torment he may be experiencing as a result of his mistake.

Hope this helps, Heaven's best!

MorningStarStillSmiling · #5 3rd September 2012, 04:05 PM

I'm in a pretty similar situation to you. My fiance had been with two other women before me and I also made him wait for me because I wanted to stay a virgin until marriage. So I completely understand your hurt and concern and will admit that I really struggled with this issue for a long time as well. But as everyone else said, he's sorry, he waited for you in your relationship, and honestly, his sexual relationship with you is going to be SO much better and SO much more meaningful because of the deep love you two share. It may be seem hard to understand now but he'll only be thinking of you on your wedding night, guaranteed. So don't ruin it by bringing up the past!

Sex is a bond but it's not a bond that can't and hasn't been already severed. He is NOT forever linked to those other women.

Also, one thing I noticed is that you try to make excuses what he did in order to console yourself sometimes. But what he did was wrong. I know that, by making excuses, you're trying to make sense of it and make it hurt a little less (been there done that) but that's the wrong way to go about it. It was a sin but he's been forgiven by God, he's lived a better, more faithful life for a long time now, and he needs to be forgiven by you.

As you can see, even if you want to forgive him right away, it takes time for your heart to heal. But that pain will be replaced by love over time. So cheer up and have a wonderful wedding, wedding night, and happy life together because he obviously loves you & God very much!

xfreakazoidx · #6 9th September 2012, 09:54 PM

I myself had sex with my ex-fiance before meeting my soon to be bride. To some degree you always remember your first time with someone. But when you marry this man, and its true love I promise when you make love on your honeymoon BOTH of you you feel a deeper connection because you are making love while married....simply put because sin is not present then it will be blessed by God.

Also you have to let go of his past. We all make mistakes. Remember, God forgives us and looks forward. So shall we!

peckaboo · #7 18th September 2012, 10:42 AM

I was in almost the opposite situation to yours - my (now) husband was a virgin when we started dating, but I wasn't. Our situation wasn't quite like yours because we slept together before we got married, then felt convicted of it so stopped and waited for the wedding night.

But in any case, I'd say three things.
1) The onus is on you to address your feelings BEFORE you get married. If you don't deal with them now they're not going to go away just because a ring's on your finger. In practical terms that might require praying multiple times a day for God to take the doubts/anger/fear out of your head. God promises that when we come to Him he totally restores us - He doesn't see the sin of your fiance any longer, so you could pray whenever you feel troubled by these thoughts that He would help you see your fiance through His eyes. One thing that may or may not be helpful to you (depending on whether or not you agree with it!) is to remember that the sin he committed by having premarital sex was primarily against God, not against you. At that time, you didn't own his body in the way that a husband or wife owns their spouse's body - God owned his body. So let him and God work it out; you don't have to deal with it.
2) On our wedding night, I was aware of nothing in the world except for my husband and a whirl of euphoria and exhaustion. As long as you don't bring his past up, I promise it's going to be the furthest thing from his mind.
3) Following on from what MC0 said ("Yes, sex is a great thing and we as virgins feel that because we have "kept ourselves" for soooo long, we ought to have this mind-blowing, earth-shattering, anointed, wall-quaking, throat-ripping, eyeball-rolling kinda sex. STOP! That's a good recipe for disappointment which can harm the marriage from the very first night. Yes, you can have your idea of what pleasurable things you'd like in your sexual relationship with your spouse, but stop creating this 100% standard that can have you sour at the end of the night.") First-time sex (and sometimes second and third and even twentieth-time sex) can be embarrassing / painful / over too quickly / not over quick enough / messier than you expected / diasppointing / awkward. Not one of my married friends claims that their wedding-night sex was perfectly romantic and mind-blowing and came off without a hitch. So just go with it - you have the rest of your lives to practise and perfect your technique

NicolaKirwan · #8 27th October 2012, 07:18 PM

Many kudos for this post.

Originally Posted by MC0

Congratulations on your engagement!!

Although my tone may sound very HARSH in the following response to your post, I have to really just shoot out what I would say to you if you were my biological sister or bestfriend.

I think you have not yet let go of this guy's past. I think that you have put in partial effort in regards to how you dealt with his past. You have to realize that if this your fiance has genuinely asked God for forgiveness, you are moving in the opposite direction from God by continually reliving his past. The Bible says God forgives us of our iniquities and remembers them no more. You are "trying" to forgive him of his iniquities but you also clearly continue to remember them. I don't know if this is something you are consciously or unconsciously doing, but you are NOT forgiving him of what he has done. To truly forgive is to truly forget and have that event completely BLOTTED out of your memory, even if it takes a conscious effort.

If your wedding night ends up being less than 100%, it is because YOU have made it so. By continually choosing to remember his past sin, you are creating an elephant in the room that will be truly present on that night. You cannot create a disturbing elephant and yet expect that all will go well that night. Its just not going to happen that way. This sin was committed against God, Not you. And if God (who the sin was committed against) could forgive and COMPLETELY FORGET this your fiance, why can't you? How many times have your sins been thrown back to your face in worry of how it will affect your relationship or wedding night?

The accuser of brethren is a role played by the devil who continually accuses us of our pasts, seeking for ways to cause God to remember our sins. But since the blood of Jesus has totaly paid for our sins to be blotted out of history, the accuser of brethren continually fails in his mission. That is a role played by the devil. Not you. You ought to be the one to encourage him everytime he thinks that God has not forgiven him of his sin. You ought to be the voice of God to him whenever the shadows of his past get thrown at him, rather than further accusing him (even if you are doing so silently in your heart.) Everytime he remembers his past sins, you ought to be that Christ-like soothing voice and say "no baby, that's not what God thinks. He has forgotten. You sound crazy to Him because you are talking about something that He cannot find in any of his records". You ought to be that voice that keeps telling him to completely forget what happened before.

I understand the significance of virginity. I am a virgin. Its really only by God's grace. I give him 2000% of the credit. So, I can relate with you. But I think that by continually recalling his failings, you are creating for yourself a perception of him that WILL hinder your ability to enjoy the new creation that God's forgiveness and Christ's blood has made him to be. Be the voice of Christ in this matter, not the accuser of brethren. ACTIVELY TEACH YOURSELF TO FORGET his past. The forgiving and forgetting part is for GOD. Your role is to join in God in forgetting it, rather than sitting on that "should i forgive" seat.

Once again, I do not know if you are doing this consciously or unconsciously but if he has genuinely sought forgiveness at the foot of the throne, all ties and connections have been broken by the blood of Jesus. STOP RECALLING WHAT HAS BEEN LONG FORGIVEN AND FORGOTTEN. Remember that if he had not opened his mouth to tell you about his past, you would not have know. This goes to show that this "worry" you have is a conscious thing from your mind. He could have acted like a virgin and you would have bought it. In so much as this is a thing of this past, you are unnecesarly overworking yourself on this issue. Help him to heal from the past and seek ways to facilitate the process of his forgetting.

Lastly, STOP PLACING SUCH EMPHASIS ON THIS SEX THING. Yes, sex is a great thing and we as virgins feel that because we have "kept ourselves" for soooo long, we ought to have this mind-blowing, earth-shattering, anointed, wall-quaking, throat-ripping, eyeball-rolling kinda sex. STOP! That's a good recipe for disappointment which can harm the marriage from the very first night. Yes, you can have your idea of what pleasurable things you'd like in your sexual relationship with your spouse, but stop creating this 100% standard that can have you sour at the end of the night. Remember, virgin or no virgin, you and your spouse's idea of 100% will not always be the same. Rather, give yourself a mental and emotional break and pray that the best sexual pleasure from God will happen on that night for you both. Pray for this your man and pray that God will help prevent any past memories from hindering "HIS happiness and enjoyment that night". STOP thinking only about how this will affect you. Pray to God that no matter your fiance's past, you are ready to work with this new man to achieve God's standard of a relationship, maritally, sexually, physically, emotionally, e.t.c.

Speak GOOD things about your wedding night and see it happen. Speak bad things about your wedding night and you will see those bad things happen. It will happen just as you speak it to be. Remember, power of life and death are in the tongue. Speak life into your wedding night and beyond and you will see just that happen. Let go, stop hanging on to things that are dead and forgotten, and help your man step out from the torment he may be experiencing as a result of his mistake.

Hope this helps, Heaven's best!

iambren · #9 27th October 2012, 11:23 PM

Sex does not create nor negate a lasting union between a man and a woman. We all take on ALL of the scars, hurts, dysfunctions that go along with the other person. That means he is going to have to deal with some of YOUR issues too, some of which you may not even know at this point.

IE A virgin can live a less sanctified life than a nonvirgin. Sin is not all about sex.

Mrs. Luther073082 · #10 16th November 2012, 02:54 PM

This is also an old thread that has been bumped (I wonder if the OP is married now?). That being said, sex does not bond two people forever. I had sex with two people before I was a Christian and those people mean nothing to me now. Frankly, with one of those - I had sex as a virgin with another virgin when I wasn't a Christian and there wasn't anything special about it. My husband and I waited until our wedding night and it was much more special than anything else I had experienced before, even though neither my husband and I were virgins that night.