Struggling with this...

ryanc7691 · #1 12th July 2012, 06:44 PM

I am a lifelong christian. I was raised in a christian home and felt like I had a good upbringing, except I was molested by my christian father. We all went to church and did the normal family things growing up. I didnt feel unwanted or unloved or anything like that. Thats why it is hard for me to understand how this could have happened. My mom was a nurse and worked days. When I was about 14, she took a job at night. It wasnt long after that when my dad came into my room and started molesting me. I was shocked at first, horrified, scared. This man I loved was doing things to me that I knew were wrong. But I never really resisted him. This is one reason I still struggle with what happened. He would do oral to me, and then ask me to do it to him, and I would. Afterwards I would feel so ashamed and guilty for doing that. This went on often and for almost 2 years. It got to be routine. Honestly, I just about got use to it. I dont know if I was hardened by it, or it just became the new normal. Another part I struggle with is that there were times I would initiate it. As a christian, I knew it was against what the Bible teaches, but I would do it. It wasnt that I wanted to feel the pleasure. I think I got some gratification in pleasing him. I would feel so ashamed afterward and pray and tell God I would never do that again, but sometimes I would end up doing it again. That was a struggle then and its a struggle now because of the guilt I still feel. When i was 16, my mom and dad divorced and he moved to another state. I am ashamed to admit that even after he left, I missed him. I was glad he was gone, but I still missed him. Even though what we were doing was homosexual and there was pleasure in it, I always thought it was disgusting and wrong and never had those feelings after it stopped...until recently. Now I will have flashbacks and remember what happened and it will make me have thoughts of bisexuality, living out those acts we did when i was young. The thoughts will become so strong and vivid. I will pray for those thoughts to go away, but they dont. I dont know why I have gone all this time thinking what I did was disgusting and unnatural, but now its like my mind wants me to be aroused by it. This is a huge struggle that I have inside and I feel I can tell no one, not even my wife. I ask that you pray that I can put this all behind me.

Darkhorse · #2 13th July 2012, 12:43 AM

This is an enormous burden for you to carry, and I advise you to find a good Christian counselor with whom to discuss it. Don't get caught up in feelings of shame for initiating it or enjoying it sometimes. Sexual things are supposed to feel good, but this was abuse and should never have been done to you.

If you have a loving and understanding helpmate, she will probably understand your situation better than you think. But I would start with the counselor (not necessarily your pastor), and "get your feet on the ground" first.

You will never forget these things, but with good therapy they become less and less important, until they're just a distant part of your past.

Praying for you...

Proverbs31Strength · #3 6th August 2012, 09:27 PM

In my humble opinion, also as survivor, I believe you need to deal with what has happened. It's so painful and real to open up the past, but it will not go away unless it is deal with head-on. For me, it took lots of work with a pastor.

Nextstep · #4 24th August 2012, 01:57 PM

Originally Posted by ryanc7691

I am a lifelong christian. I was raised in a christian home and felt like I had a good upbringing, except I was molested by my christian father. We all went to church and did the normal family things growing up. I didnt feel unwanted or unloved or anything like that. Thats why it is hard for me to understand how this could have happened. My mom was a nurse and worked days. When I was about 14, she took a job at night. It wasnt long after that when my dad came into my room and started molesting me. I was shocked at first, horrified, scared. This man I loved was doing things to me that I knew were wrong. But I never really resisted him. This is one reason I still struggle with what happened. He would do oral to me, and then ask me to do it to him, and I would. Afterwards I would feel so ashamed and guilty for doing that. This went on often and for almost 2 years. It got to be routine. Honestly, I just about got use to it. I dont know if I was hardened by it, or it just became the new normal. Another part I struggle with is that there were times I would initiate it. As a christian, I knew it was against what the Bible teaches, but I would do it. It wasnt that I wanted to feel the pleasure. I think I got some gratification in pleasing him. I would feel so ashamed afterward and pray and tell God I would never do that again, but sometimes I would end up doing it again. That was a struggle then and its a struggle now because of the guilt I still feel. When i was 16, my mom and dad divorced and he moved to another state. I am ashamed to admit that even after he left, I missed him. I was glad he was gone, but I still missed him. Even though what we were doing was homosexual and there was pleasure in it, I always thought it was disgusting and wrong and never had those feelings after it stopped...until recently. Now I will have flashbacks and remember what happened and it will make me have thoughts of bisexuality, living out those acts we did when i was young. The thoughts will become so strong and vivid. I will pray for those thoughts to go away, but they dont. I dont know why I have gone all this time thinking what I did was disgusting and unnatural, but now its like my mind wants me to be aroused by it. This is a huge struggle that I have inside and I feel I can tell no one, not even my wife. I ask that you pray that I can put this all behind me.

I was also a sexual victim. I know what you're sharing here. I recommend to you "Door of Hope" from http://www.settingthecaptivesfree.com
It's very effective and free. Also try to listen to Joyce Meyer testimony, she was sexually abused by her father too for many yrs while growing up.

Meanwhile, pls turn away from all these sins and return to God. He can heal and make you a new person. Don't give up. Come to Jesus.