Crying it out - getting stubborn infant to sleep in his bed.

CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN · #11 26th June 2012, 03:54 PM

It's not something I thought was up for debate. I thought it was common since not to spank a baby, I guess I was wrong. But you got plenty of good advice on putting your baby to bed.

lynnbeau · #12 26th June 2012, 07:15 PM

Originally Posted by The Princess Bride

My 11 mos old is still dependent on me to put him to sleep. I hate the idea of spanking him when he screams (not cries) but I haven't had a full nights sleep in nearly a year because he still wakes at least twice a night. He falls asleep nursing and wakes when I put him down in his own bed. I am at my wits end. Any suggestions???? I love my son but feel like "bad mommy" by making him cry himself to sleep.

First - you are NOT a bad mommy. Is this your first?? I have 3 - with my first, I would try to do all I could to get her to sleep in her own little bed. I think back now and just laugh at the things I tried! But, she was my first. My 2nd and 3rd - I had them cry themselves to sleep at about 9 months. I did try some other things with them like go into their room and comfort them by talking to them and helping them lay down again. But it didn't really work and I was just getting so tired. I needed sleep in order to be a good mommy and wife the following day - that's ok to say that! Both times, it was summer so we had an air conditioner in our room that helped drown the screaming & crying. With both, it took only 3 nights before they just figured it out and went to sleep on their own and slept most of the night. It's ok to have your child cry (or scream) himself to sleep if that's the way it will work for him. Don't let anyone tell you different - you are his mommy and YOU know YOUR child the best!

My youngest does come to my bed sometimes during the night - she is 6. I'm ok with that - I like her snuggles.

Something else that I 'see' here is that you just might have a strong-willed child. I have a strong-willed son - my 2nd. And boy would he have tantrums - esp. when he was 2. I would just hold him when he was so angry. As he got older, I'd lead him into prayer about his anger and tantrums. I taught him how to handle his anger in a healthier way. He is still strong-willed, but he has learned how to manage it. I believe the strong-will is something God placed within him for a reason - God will use it for His purposes so I need to help him harness it and use it for His glory - NOT break it! Something to keep in mind!

You are a good mommy - don't be so hard on yourself - esp. when people who don't know you one little bit and criticize you. Be confident in your parenting through Christ Jesus!

The Princess Bride · #13 26th June 2012, 07:54 PM

My DH and I are both strong-willed and I am positive my little man is also. I am trying to use positive reinforcement while teaching him whats wrong/right, but sometimes I am too tired to think straight! He is such a sweet heart 99% of the time but he does have some attitude we're trying to rein in early.

The Princess Bride · #14 26th June 2012, 07:56 PM

Thank you for all the advice and encouragement. Nap time today went better. He nursed until almost asleep then I put him in his bed. He cried and hollered for a bit, then played....not sure when he dozed off because I laid down on our bed and took a nap myself! Either way, we both got about a 45 min nap which did wonders!

lynnbeau · #15 26th June 2012, 09:23 PM

A book I found extremely helpful for strong-willed children is "You Can't Make me, But I Can be Persuaded." by Cynthia Tobias. It gave practical strategies for raising strong-willed children while leaving their dignity - and strong-will - intact. Tobias mentions that spanking does not work on strong-willed children, which I found very interesting (Yes, I do use spanking as a form of discipline for defiance - I don't need to use it often, but at times it is necessary - just so you didn't think I was criticizing you for spanking). So, that might be why the spanking isn't working. It can be very draining raising a strong-willed child. My son is now 8 and I see the blessings of the parenting my DH & I have already done. It does get better! And this, too, shall pass!

KatAutumn · #16 27th June 2012, 11:11 PM

Originally Posted by The Princess Bride

Not crying - SCREAMING - as in the same scream he uses when he is told "NO" for touching the TV, pulling books off the shelf, not sharing my food with him, etc. It's his TEMPER TANTRUM he gets in trouble for, not the crying.

He's not even a year old and he already "gets in trouble". Wow. Just...wow. Babies scream because they only have three basic means through which they communicate frustration, pain (physical and emotional), happiness and fear. To punish that is so sad, in my opinion.

Anyway, crying it out is cruel. Babies don't need to self-soothe. They need to know they can rely on us as their mother to trust their cries and validate them by providing the comfort they need. It doesn't spoil them and eventually they learn to enjoy the nighttime routine. Sorry, but we're not guaranteed uninterrupted sleep as parents, especially to babies and toddlers. We don't cease being parents just because the sun goes down.

KatAutumn · #17 27th June 2012, 11:13 PM

Originally Posted by CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN

It's not something I thought was up for debate. I thought it was common since not to spank a baby, I guess I was wrong. But you got plenty of good advice on putting your baby to bed.

It should be common sense, but sadly it isn't. Some people think because children are small they can be hurt physically as a means to teach them right from wrong, but would likely file for divorce if their husband said they wanted to bend them over their knee for a whooping for incorrectly balancing the checkbook.

MessianicMommy · #18 30th June 2012, 05:22 PM

Just say no to CIO. And nursing a baby to sleep is not going to damage them. Babies were meant to nurse, and mamas were meant to nurse them.

Can you lay down to nap with him?

I highly recommmend "Your One Year Old" by Ames, "Beyond the Sling" by Mayim Bialik and "Born Dancing" by Evelyn Thoman.

Many moms feel guilty for nursing their baby to sleep. Nursing your baby to sleep is not a bad thing to do! It’s very normal and developmentally appropriate for babies to nurse to sleep and to wake 1-3 times during the night for the first year or so. Some babies don’t do this, but they are the exception, not the rule. Many children, if given the choice, prefer to nurse to sleep through the second year and beyond. Nursing is obviously designed to comfort baby and to help baby sleep, and I’ve never seen a convincing reason why mothers shouldn’t use this wonderful “tool” that we’ve been given.
“You are not a pacifier; you are a Mom. You are the sun, the moon, the earth, you are liquid love, you are warmth, you are security, you are comfort in the very deepest aspect of the meaning of comfort…. but you are not a pacifier!” — Paula Yount

http://kellymom.com/bf/normal/comfortnursing/

Not to mention that CIO is very damaging to little ones. What a baby toddler needs and cries for, they need then. What they want at this age, is a need.

Over and over again, studies are showing this study to be true:

According to a behaviorist view completely ignorant of human development, the child 'has to be taught to be independent.' We can confirm now that forcing "independence" on a baby leads to greater dependence. Instead, giving babies what they need leads to greater independence later. In anthropological reports of small-band hunter-gatherers, parents took care of every need of babies and young children. Toddlers felt confident enough (and so did their parents) to walk into the bush on their own (see Hunter-Gatherer Childhoods, edited by Hewlett & Lamb, 2005).

Dangers of “Crying It Out” | Psychology Today

If you want good discipline info, GOYB discipline is rather good, as well as info on Gentle Christian Mothers.

MessianicMommy · #19 30th June 2012, 05:22 PM

...duplicate...

akmom · #20 3rd July 2012, 08:34 PM

I used the same technique that SharonL described. It was peaceful and effective. I got it from Kim West's book, Good Night, Sleep Tight: The Sleep Lady's gentle guide to helping your child go to sleep, stay asleep, and wake up happy.

The basic idea is that babies need to learn to fall asleep without "crutches," like nursing, getting rocked to sleep, or sucking a pacifier that parents have to plug back in throughout the night. Apparently everyone wakes up several times a night, but they fall back to sleep so quickly that they don't notice. Babies who haven't learned this skill rely on their crutch to get back to sleep. So you teach them to use techniques like thumb-sucking, snuggling a stuffed animal, or hugging a blanket to fall asleep. Then they won't need anyone to help them fall back to sleep throughout the night.

You put your baby to bed "drowsy but awake." He should be tired, but not already sleeping or on the verge of sleeping. You want to make sure he gets to that point by himself, not by getting nursed or rocked. You sit next to him to provide reassurance while he falls asleep, before it escalates into a full-blown cry or tantrum. You can touch him for comfort, but don't pick him up or play. Make sure it's dark, quiet and boring in there (no mobiles or toys) to encourage sleep. As he gets used to it, try to comfort him with only your voice. When he's ready, move the chair a little farther away each night, until it's just outside his door where he can't see you. Continue comforting him with your voice, so he knows you're there. Eventually you won't need to wait around any more.

Sleep is a skill that children have to learn, and the sooner the better. I co-slept with all my babies when they were young, but transitioned them to their own crib and room when they were 6 months old. (The recommendation is 3 months old.) So this is when they "sleep trained." It's not clear whether your baby's bed is in his own room or yours, but I suggest giving him his own (even if he shares with siblings). At 11 months, he doesn't need to nurse throughout the night, so the convenience factor of co-sleeping has expired.

I am personally against the crying-it-out method. I don't think it's abuse, but I do think it's a poor choice. (Like teaching a child to swim by throwing him in a lake... yeah, it'll work, but it's worth the extra effort to develop their confidence and teach each component in stride.) Being there to comfort your child, while being firm that he needs to sleep, helps him to be receptive to the idea. How you teach and discipline your child now sets the stage for how you interact with him as he gets older. If you are patient and receptive to his needs - without giving into his demands - you can develop a nurturing and trusting relationship. If you set a precedent of hurting him to correct behaviors, or ignoring him when he expresses his needs, he will avoid your parenting as much as independence allows. (Hurting and ignoring are essentially what spanking and crying-it-out are.) Spanking is neither age-appropriate for an 11-month-old, nor effective for sleep-training. It's an act of exasperation. Think about the long-term parent/child relationship and how your approach affects that, not just how it achieves each goal along the way.