| The Search
Okay, haven't posted in one of these in awhile, but I'm really trying to figure out the best move in this and I have had a hard time trying to figure out what to do. It started a few weeks ago when my aunt from my dad's side contacted me on facebook. I never met my aunt on my dad's side and I haven't talked or seen my dad in ten years, and he had sexually abused me as a little girl. She had said her, grandma, and dad missed me and wanted to know how I was doing, and she wanted to meet me, since she comes to this area at times. I hadn't heard back from her for about a week, but I doubt she knows what happened, and it would be very hard to explain to her why I am reluctanct to see my dad, though I want to know how he was doing...
Well, then last night, I was telling my brother what was going on, and he told me that mom may have been lying to me, because she told him another man was my father, the one she was married to when she had me (I was told I was born out of wedlock). So now, I am finding out the man who I had thought was my father who had done so much damage in my life, may not be my dad to begin with...
Fathers day is Sunday. It has always been a hard day for me and I tend to stay home and not go to church. A part of me hopes mom was lying, because if someone else was my father, and he was alive, if I could find him, I could possibly have "family" which is something I've always wanted. Since my mom always controlled everyone and we were all isolated... I never felt like I had family.
So you see, I just need prayer and support here. Cause I want to make the right decision... to complicate things my Mom is 65, in a nursing home a thousand miles away from me with a weak heart, so it would be very hard to confront her on this. and if she said my brother wasn't telling me right, then I'm unsure whether to believe it or not. I'd like to just forget it. But everyone always tells me that since they have known me I have always been searching for something. And one told me she has never seen anyone surrounded by so many people who love her, and is the most alone person she has ever saw. it seems like I am always going into one thing after another. and I want to break the cycle. I want to be successful. I have done so well... but this is so important to me, I really want to know.
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"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 | 
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