I'm still amazed by what happened. I've been feeling blue lately, mostly not having gotten over a divorce 4 years ago, still feeling a little bitter toward my ex-wife, and still bent out of shape about a girl I dated 2 years ago. I kept imagining if I could reply to the nasty gram that girl's mom sent me after we broke up, I'd tell her a thing or two. That experience left me fed up enough that I haven't dated since, and left me fearful of getting involved with anyone. Friends of mine have hinted at trying to fix me up with someone, but the only thing I could think of was how to get out of it if they did, and how to politely turn down a second date. I kept fearing that my approach to anyone interested in me would be "what's your angle, and what hidden agenda do you have?".
Saturday I'd really been stewing about all this, and having some low self esteem. Sunday at church our pastor had a sermon titled "help wanted", and read from Nehemiah 1. He mentioned things such as mourning for too long, and feeling like things won't improve, and the more he went on this seemed like I was really supposed to hear this sermon. When he invited folks up to the altar to pray, I didn't have to think about it. I knew I needed to go up and pray
I said to the Lord that I don't want to be hurting or bitter anymore, and I just had a wave of euphoria that felt like a weight had been lifted. I had a clear feeling that said "Don't worry, I have a plan for you, but my plans don't involve dwelling on the past, dwelling on what you don't have anymore, and thinking about people who have hurt you. Have faith in me and you will be strong. My plans for you involve dwelling on what you do have, and focusing on what you can do for other people." Wow. I don't think I've had such a strong feeling before. Then I thought "But I don't think my ex-wife and my ex-girlfriend will forgive me for mistakes I made, and think those mistakes still haunt me." Then He said "Don't worry, they don't hate you, and they have forgiven you. They know that you have forgiven them, and they are happy for the time you did spend together. I forgive you for your mistakes." Another weight lifted, and I needed to dry my eyes at that point.
At that point I just felt like my pains were gone. Suddenly, I only have good thoughts toward my exes. I haven't been having this bad dream of being set up on a blind date and having to get out of it. This may sound silly, but I got home from church, and my two cats came and curled up next to me, being unusually friendly. They looked at me like "It's okay, we know you've been lonely and upset, but you've got us. We're not leaving you." Even today, I still feel like the Lord has good plans for me, and I won't fear who may come along or be skeptical of someone who may have good intentions.