Marrying a Christian who is not a virgin.

citizenthom · #11 30th May 2012, 08:54 AM

First of all, don't let anyone here make you feel like a lesser human being if you can't look past this flaw. Everyone has dealbreakers; and a dealbreaker that comes out of a perversion of God's plan is completely legitimate. We were not meant to have to bring others' sexual history into our marriage beds, and it is entirely natural and normal for it to be a hang-up.

That said, if you cannot fully forgive her for her past, you should not marry her. You would be doing both of you a disservice.

ChildofGod777 · #12 30th May 2012, 09:27 AM

Originally Posted by melowgold8

BFine, this response was so helpful that it felt like an answered prayer from God. After reading this I felt a sudden wave of comfort come over me. You're right, I need to practice forgiveness. The fact that she prays to God for forgiveness about it too is all that counts. She has an honest pure heart and just because she made a mistake doesn't mean I should let it affect us. If it does it is my fault, not hers. I am a sinner too, no one is perfect. Thank you so much for the revelation

Yes BFine is pretty wise and knows what she's talking about. One thing you have to remember is that God is not worried about our past, only our tomorrows. She has repented of her sins and the Lord has forgiven and forgotten and now the both of you need to do the same.

Of course a lot of us wish we could have done things differently in the past but we can't change anything nor are we supposed to dwell on it. Just let it go and do what's right in your heart.

gideon123 · #13 30th May 2012, 10:55 AM

" I am dating an amazing girl who I feel like someday she could be the one for me. But she isn't a virgin and it tares me apart"

I am trying to express things in a kind way on this forum.
But honestly - I sometimes feel like I would have a more sensible conversation if I was talking to the Hells Angels. They're a motorcycle club, by the way. :-)

Please try to get a grip.
Focus on the fact that she loves you.
You have got a LOT of growing up to do.
Your own perfectionistic standards may actually undermine your marriage.

Be HAPPY with the woman God is giving you.

Or - Cancel the wedding until you resolve this stuff in your head.
Use a lot of prayer.

gideon123

melowgold8 · #14 30th May 2012, 01:34 PM

Thanks Everyone. There seems to be some confusion. I am very good to her and not once have I made her feel bad about it. I forgive her and I told her it doesn't change how I feel about her which is true. I told her that everyone makes mistakes and that I'm no better than she is. So don't take what I said the wrong way.

I was just wondering if this could affect anything but It doesn't sound like it can. Its just something I need to pray about to forget and that will happen.

BFines response was most helpful and now I understand that it is possible in a marriage. These thoughts I'm having aren't some selfish evil thoughts, they're just not me understanding. But now I better understand.

Thanks everyone for the help

CaliforniaJosiah · #15 30th May 2012, 01:43 PM

Originally Posted by melowgold8

I am dating an amazing girl who I feel like someday she could be the one for me. But she isn't a virgin and it tares me apart. It tares her apart to. She lost it a long time ago before she became faithful to God. I'm saving mine untill marriage and she so badly wishes she did too. She feel's so incredibly ashamed about it and we both wish more than anything that the past could be changed.

I'm worried though that i'll never be able to love her because of it. Will I always get this feeling that she can never fully love me either. Will this be an ongoing struggle if we were to marry? It just feels like we'll never be able to share a special bond..

Please I need advice on this, and stories and personal experiences. Should I look for a virgin? Or can I love someone who is not a virgin but so strongly regrets it. Is it possible to get rid of this feeling? Will a marriage ever work out? I want to love her but its so hard on both of us. I dont want her to feel like she's no good for me, because I have my faults too. But is this fair to me? Will we ever be able to share a special bond?

Thanks so much for the help. Please leave me your advice and pray for us! Thanks

I think the GOOD thing to do is to be a virgin at one's wedding. Which is one reason why - at the old age of 24 - I still am (the only one left on the planet, it seems - which is okay). But (like it or not), if you restrict any future wife to one who is a virgin - you may never meet her.

BOTH of you are now Christians. BOTH of you now embrace the same value. That's good enough. About as good as it gets. It's something to CELEBRATE, not lament. Now, embrace that faith and value (until your honeymoon, lol).

MY advise: don't hit her over the head with this. FORGIVE her as Christ did, encourage her to forgive herself. CELEBRATE your (now) common faith and values in this regard because that's SO rare and so precious.

You've got a GOOD thing here! Don't blow it..

My half cent.

- Josiah

.

xfreakazoidx · #16 1st June 2012, 01:23 AM

If the lack of a hymen makes any woman "no good" for you, you have a long ways to go.

BTW I would like to mention before people go juding a woman on if she has a hymen or not (how does one know unless you seen that area on her?!?), there are lots of issues with a hymen. Some women have deformed ones, some don't even have one so you may assume they are not a virgin and be wrong. Just like I've read of women who accidently opened it by using tampons when their periods started.

Sorry to be gross and all but I don't think its fair to assume a women without one must have had sex. And of course unless a woman tells you about her hymen, you shouldn't be able to know unless you are doing something you shouldn't. >.>

PrincessWarrior30 · #17 1st June 2012, 07:07 AM

---------->>>

I am dating an amazing girl who I feel like someday she could be the one for me.

- Feel like? Don't rely on your emotions and feelings, they don't last. If you're really looking/praying for a future partner, be serious in praying and consulting God.

But she isn't a virgin and it tares me apart. It tares her apart to. She lost it a long time ago before she became faithful to God.

- We all fall short to the glory of God. No one is perfect, whether she's a virgin or not, we are no better than anybody else. Anyone who is in Christ is a NEW PERSON, the old life is gone. I hope the girl will grasp and fully understand this truth.

1 Cor.5:17 NIV

I'm saving mine untill marriage and she so badly wishes she did too.

- Praise God!

God delights in you. But she must forget the past already. She's a new person in Christ.

She feel's so incredibly ashamed about it and we both wish more than anything that the past could be changed.

- Consider this as a friendly advise... She's not emotionally stable yet. She's still in progress, and until she fully understands the real meaning of love, dilemmas will arise. I hope and I pray that before you commit or get married, make sure you are both emotionally stable IN the Lord, meaning, you are both secured IN God's love. You cannot give what you do not have. If you love someone, you will consider feeding yourself with God's love first, then you are able to share his love to your partner.

I'm worried though that i'll never be able to love her because of it. Will I always get this feeling that she can never fully love me either. Will this be an ongoing struggle if we were to marry? It just feels like we'll never be able to share a special bond..

- As I have mentioned, you need to be secured first with God's love. Imagine if both of you are not ready emotionally? It's easy to organize and set your wedding, but marriage? It's a lifelong commitment, and seriously you need to pray and fast for it.

Will a marriage ever work out?

- Marriage was designed by God for a purpose and pleasure. It will work out when the right time comes. Marriage is a sacred covenant. It's a commitment, and in any relationship... It involves a decision.

Will it work out? Yes, it will... But it involves sacrifice.
Before you meet/be with that special someone, you need to learn the greatest love of all. It's called sacrificial love. Are you ready to sacrifice for others?

"He who finds a wife finds what is good
and receives favor from the Lord." Proverbs 18:22 NIV.

Wait for the right time. Don't decide on what you feel. Emotions don't last. But God's will and His plan for you is the best. He already reserved someone for you. You just have to wait and let Him work in your life.

Your sister in Christ,
Sette C.

liannakeller · #18 23rd January 2013, 11:01 PM

A) If she feels INCREDIBLY ASHAMED, you shouldn't be posting it on the internet. How disrespectful of her feelings.
B) She does not, by any means, need to apologize to YOU or be sorry towards YOU. She sinned against God unknowingly because she wasn't a Christian, and she certainly did NOT sin against you having never even known you.
C) To perpetuate guilt is an act that the Devil does to tempt us. YOU are perpetuating her guilt.
D) She is now abstinent. Do you KNOW what the word repentance means?? It means turning away from your sin, not just repenting for it.
She turned away. It's over. She's forGIVEN. Wiped clean. White as snow. No longer in sin. It's. GONE. BAM. PERIOD. Let it go.
Sex isn't designed for marriage just because "ooooh it's a special thiiiing we're gonna have a special bonnnnd". Think about the practical purposes God designed it that way:
- security if she gets pregnant.
- one partner = no sexually transmitted diseases due to promiscuity.
- insecurity is washed away by a loving partner.
- COMMITMENT.
GET. OVER it.
P.S., make sure it's not a sin issue for you too...of jealousy. Of the guy before you. Because it sure sounds like it.

Lilly Owl · #19 23rd January 2013, 11:07 PM

You said she lost her virginity before she became a Christian. If you hold virginity as the most important characteristic about her and that having been lost before she ever knew you is what makes all her other characteristics take a back seat, how could you ever think she might be the one? When you can't get past she had sex before you were ever a factor in her life.

And it was before she was a Christian. So then, if Jesus forgave her all her sins and transgressions and he got over it, why can't you?

Avniel · #20 23rd January 2013, 11:51 PM

Originally Posted by rturner76

Three words: Get over it

Two words: perfect answer

Lets see if someone can bring us home with the one word lol.

To the OP dude you seem a little self centered. If that is who you want to marry you should love her unless the marriage is prearranged.

If you can't over look her sins like she overlooks yours then it might sound harsh but you don't deserve her and the most loving thing you could do is let her go so she can find a better man.