Compulsive Sexual Avoidance/Sexual Anorexia

Hi, I'm new here.

I love my husband of 16-almost-17 years. But I want a deeper, more intimate relationship with him. He's struggled with porn off and on for years, and due to my recent research, I'm now pretty sure that my lack of libido all this time is probably due to Compulsive Sexual Avoidance, AKA "Sexual Anorexia", especially since I experienced sexual trauma as a child. Though we have 4 children (which proves everything "functions" just fine), the thought of mixing emotional intimacy with sexuality is unpleasant to me. I have gotten through the last few years of marital sexuality only by dissociating and fantasizing about other people's sexual acts while I'm being sexual with DH. But I want to learn to be "present" and give and accept physical pleasure.

Anyone have experience recovering from CSA ("Sexual Anorexia"?) Tips? Advice? Resources?

Thanks for your help.

I know someone who has the same thing. Going to a therapist may help and don't worry they have heard everything. Please keep us updated on how you are doing. God bless you.

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there is a NAME for what I have been feeling? :blinks her eyes rapidly: I thought it was just me being a prude. I feel this way, only mine is a tad different, I cant even fantasize..i just get to where I don't want to be touched at all, because sex feels dirty to me. I have had many traumatic sexual experiences over my life...and can't get the feeling of sex being wrong and dirty out of my head enough to enjoy my husband...

I have found no solution for this..thank you for at least putting a name to it

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Romans 8:38-39
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New International Version (NIV)

38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[
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] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Passionate Marriage by David Snarch is a very good, pretty direct but very insightful book on marriage and sexual intimacy. He is not a Christian as far as I know, but his material is sound nevertheless.

John
NZ

Just checkin back in... Thanks, RuthD. We're seeing a marriage therapist, and it's been kinda helpful, but she doesn't know much about CSA/Anorexia, and there don't seem to be many sex therapists in my area (which is okay with me, since I fear they'll just tell us to watch porn together!)

I have been reading 2 books by Dr. Carnes and also participating in phone meetings of a 12-step "S" group (there are several, but one seems to have more literature and support for Sexual and Social Anorexia than the others do) and I've learned a lot about what my specific issues are and how to deal with them. I'm nervous, though, because the "S" groups usually encourage each person to define "healthy sexuality" their own way, whereas I prefer to define it the Lord's way.

I'ts hard for me though, because like you, Kateluvscoffee, I feel sex is dirty or wrong, even though I'm married and now it's supposed to be okay. I'm learning to nurture myself, accept nurturing from others, and trust others through trusting God (because they let me down sometimes, but He never does, and He'll help me through it when they do let me down.) I'm learning that pain is not the enemy, like I've always thought. It's the fear of and avoidance of pain that triggers my escape and avoidance behaviors, including lack of desire. I'm learning that if I surrender the outcome to God, He'll make more of me than I can of myself.

It all sounds rather simple and profound...it's just not very easy for me to do! Thanks for the prayers and support.