A few questions...

Fireflies · #1 29th May 2012, 03:52 AM

These questions are either for the Christian guys or the girls.

1.) Guys: What is a good way to keep guys from being romantically interested in you but not to totally push them (or anyone else) away?
-What I mean is, I don't want to be a jerk and I want to show Jesus but I don't want any guys to be romantically interested in me. It's presumptuous and rude to tell every guy you meet that you don't like them/romance. And I can't wear a sign around my neck either.

2.) Guys: ...I'm just going to ask it clearly and get to the point. In marriage, do all guys want/expect the "weird" stuff? (I.e. Oral, anal, etc?)
-Is that the norm?

3.) Guys: This guy (who doesn't believe in Jesus) made this statement and I wanted to know if this was true for Christian dudes as well:
"I don't care if a girl likes me or doesn't like me. As long as I my needs fulfilled. Guys just want sex. If a guy is paying so a girl gets a free meal, do you honestly think it's because he likes her personality? Or because he just wants to get in her pants? All the guys I know think the same way."

4.) Girls: If you got married and still had (girl) friends that were single, and remained single, would you start cutting them out of your lives?
-No one wants or likes the third wheel and women tend to get a little weirded out when their single girlfriends hang out with them and their hubbys.

5.) Both Guys and Girls: Do you (as individuals) look down upon people who choose not to get married?

Due to things in the past, that Jesus and I are working out, I decided long ago not to get married. However, most people don't understand that and/or try to tell me I'll change my mind. Then I either get an opinionated lecture or a matchmaking session.
It's also hard to explain to guys who ask me out. I usually try to say that I'm not interested in dating and that they'll find really great women- much better than me. But they usually think I'm lying to them and then get angry/depressed/(occasionally) suicidal. I've noticed that when a guy gets turned down, he tends to ask why... which is a difficult thing for me to answer. (It's kind of like- Dude, just accept the no!)
Another thing is, with humans, it seems that value is place on couples. So, if you don't have a significant other, you're a total loser. It's like, I'm not worth very much on my own. I wish that there was something that I could do to change this...

Finally, I'll say, if Jesus manages to help me work through the issues before I die (OR God strikes me with a bolt of lightning) and I think about getting married... I really don't want any surprises. I'd rather know the gist of what I'd be getting myself into.

Thanks for any answers you are willing to share.

Grace51 · #2 29th May 2012, 04:32 AM

ok, i'll take a stab at this.

4.) Girls: If you got married and still had (girl) friends that were single, and remained single, would you start cutting them out of your lives?
-No one wants or likes the third wheel and women tend to get a little weirded out when their single girlfriends hang out with them and their hubbys.

why would i? if a person genuinely cares about their friends, this issue would not come up at all. as for having them hanging around hubbys, who says after you are married, you cant catch up with your girlfriend on your own?

5.) Both Guys and Girls: Do you (as individuals) look down upon people who choose not to get married?

again, id be really worried about my walk with Jesus if i have that type of mentality, that said, i know some christians would (sadly)

however, in end of the days, the only opnion of you that matters is the Lords. plus those who really cares about like your family and true friends

as for not wanting to get married. i am sure you know apostle Paul says that is a gift reserved for few.

i am sure you pretty certain this is the plan God has for you?

mina · #3 29th May 2012, 09:07 AM

4.) Girls: If you got married and still had (girl) friends that were single, and remained single, would you start cutting them out of your lives?
-No one wants or likes the third wheel and women tend to get a little weirded out when their single girlfriends hang out with them and their hubbys.

Absolutely not! I just got married and moved away so I'm not near any of my friends anymore, but I make an effort to keep up with them. I've been the single friend that got instantly dropped b/c I was single and I wouldn't do that to anyone. Granted your friendship does change a bit, but cutting someone out b/c of marital status was not an option to me. Ironically, now that I'm married I've had friends drop me with whispers of "she doesn't understand anymore". Yeah right, I was single for an extremely long time and I believe I have enough empathy as a human to know and understand different life situations and act accordingly. I think I'm secure enough in myself and my marriage to not flaunt anything or show off and I don't get weirded out by single girlfriends. Any friend that drops you because of marital status (no matter what it is) isn't a good friend.

5.) Both Guys and Girls: Do you (as individuals) look down upon people who choose not to get married?

nope, it's between them and God and no one else. People are always going to have something to say about what you do and what occurs in your life. If you have sought God and His leading in this and are at peace with it then walk confidently in that. You don't have to be ashamed. I have noticed the importance placed on couples in society and even in churches and it's ridiculous. Just tell people to mind their own business.

dayhiker · #4 29th May 2012, 10:56 AM

Good questions,
1. I say when a guy shows you romantic interest, to say we need to talk, then tell them your not interested. Some keep pushing, which they have a right to express their point of view. You keep expressing yours.

2. Weird stuff ... probably most(male or female) will have a desire for something you an other person will consider weird.

3. I hope most guys aren't that selfish. Any girl who isn't interested in a selfish guy should just move on without a 2nd thought. A girl who is interested in a selfish guy needs some counseling!

5. I don't think most people look down on those who feel they should be single.

Originally Posted by Fireflies

These questions are either for the Christian guys or the girls.

1.) Guys: What is a good way to keep guys from being romantically interested in you but not to totally push them (or anyone else) away?
-What I mean is, I don't want to be a jerk and I want to show Jesus but I don't want any guys to be romantically interested in me. It's presumptuous and rude to tell every guy you meet that you don't like them/romance. And I can't wear a sign around my neck either.

2.) Guys: ...I'm just going to ask it clearly and get to the point. In marriage, do all guys want/expect the "weird" stuff? (I.e. Oral, anal, etc?)
-Is that the norm?

3.) Guys: This guy (who doesn't believe in Jesus) made this statement and I wanted to know if this was true for Christian dudes as well:
"I don't care if a girl likes me or doesn't like me. As long as I my needs fulfilled. Guys just want sex. If a guy is paying so a girl gets a free meal, do you honestly think it's because he likes her personality? Or because he just wants to get in her pants? All the guys I know think the same way."

4.) Girls: If you got married and still had (girl) friends that were single, and remained single, would you start cutting them out of your lives?
-No one wants or likes the third wheel and women tend to get a little weirded out when their single girlfriends hang out with them and their hubbys.

5.) Both Guys and Girls: Do you (as individuals) look down upon people who choose not to get married?

Due to things in the past, that Jesus and I are working out, I decided long ago not to get married. However, most people don't understand that and/or try to tell me I'll change my mind. Then I either get an opinionated lecture or a matchmaking session.
It's also hard to explain to guys who ask me out. I usually try to say that I'm not interested in dating and that they'll find really great women- much better than me. But they usually think I'm lying to them and then get angry/depressed/(occasionally) suicidal. I've noticed that when a guy gets turned down, he tends to ask why... which is a difficult thing for me to answer. (It's kind of like- Dude, just accept the no!)
Another thing is, with humans, it seems that value is place on couples. So, if you don't have a significant other, you're a total loser. It's like, I'm not worth very much on my own. I wish that there was something that I could do to change this...

Finally, I'll say, if Jesus manages to help me work through the issues before I die (OR God strikes me with a bolt of lightning) and I think about getting married... I really don't want any surprises. I'd rather know the gist of what I'd be getting myself into.

Thanks for any answers you are willing to share.

citizenthom · #5 29th May 2012, 11:55 AM

Originally Posted by Fireflies

These questions are either for the Christian guys or the girls.

1.) Guys: What is a good way to keep guys from being romantically interested in you but not to totally push them (or anyone else) away?
-What I mean is, I don't want to be a jerk and I want to show Jesus but I don't want any guys to be romantically interested in me. It's presumptuous and rude to tell every guy you meet that you don't like them/romance. And I can't wear a sign around my neck either.

If you're an attractive girl, you can't fully keep guys from being interested in the first place; but you can be clear and firm that you are not interested in them romantically.

Also understand that very few single guys keep close female friends. If a guy is hanging around you a lot, calling you a lot, etc., chances are he is NOT just looking for a buddy and you may need to address your lack of interest.

2.) Guys: ...I'm just going to ask it clearly and get to the point. In marriage, do all guys want/expect the "weird" stuff? (I.e. Oral, anal, etc?)
-Is that the norm?

Nothing is "weird" sexually within marriage. Everything is permissible and experimentation is often the key to keeping a healthy marriage bed. Men AND women with a healthy attitude toward sex expect each other to be open to trying anything in marriage and being willing to mold themselves around each other's preferences and needs.

If all you and your husband want to do, after trying other things out, if missionary-position intercourse, more power to you. But if you've somehow developed the idea that missionary-position intercourse is the only "good" sex or anything of that sort, you need to talk to more married couples and perhaps even study Song of Solomon in more depth. That repressiveness will hurt both your eventual marriage and your chances of finding a marriage partner.

3.) Guys: This guy (who doesn't believe in Jesus) made this statement and I wanted to know if this was true for Christian dudes as well:
"I don't care if a girl likes me or doesn't like me. As long as I my needs fulfilled. Guys just want sex. If a guy is paying so a girl gets a free meal, do you honestly think it's because he likes her personality? Or because he just wants to get in her pants? All the guys I know think the same way."

Men have needs other than sex; but being sexually denied is a legitimate fear for men seeking marriage. While both sexes have physical and emotional needs for sex, the consequences of a lack of sex for men are much more severe and concrete.

Men who truly think THEY are "only in it for sex" don't understand their own needs or even their own sexuality; but it is true that being denied sex is a pretty universal anxiety for men, especially Christian men dating Christian women, thanks to the commonality of anti-Biblical Victorianism toward the marriage bed.

5.) Both Guys and Girls: Do you (as individuals) look down upon people who choose not to get married?

I try not to "look down" on anyone. I applaud people who are legitimately gifted with singlehood and commit their lives and time to serving God and the church instead. I DESPISE people who go on and on and on about how they are never getting married when they are clearly bitter and jealous of married people. I have had to eliminate many friends like that from my life since I got married.

If you think at ALL that marriage may be for you, then you need to be preparing yourself for a mate and be open to the right guy. If you do not struggle with romantic attraction or loneliness, then singlehood may be one of your spiritual blessings.

Fireflies · #6 29th May 2012, 05:15 PM

Grace51- Thank you. That's true, true friends will remain regardless of relationship status. Also true that in the end, God's opinion is the only one that matters.

As for, "am I certain that this is God's plan for my life?', yes, I am. In fact, going through the couple/engagement/married subforums really solidified it. I've always been sure but this helped in understanding other people's pov.

Mina- Thanks! You're right, I should be confident in the way that the Lord leads, even if it is against the grain. I'm partially glad that you understand, but the other part of me doesn't want anyone to have go through loosing friends. I'm sorry that they treated you like that. However, it's great that you found a good marriage!

Dayhiker- Thank you for answering, I found a lot of logic in your replies and it makes sense. Also, thank you for restoring hope in guys with number 3! After that guy told me that, I was beginning to think, "So all these guys I know, don't really care? Do I, and other women, exist for no other reason?" It was rather depressing. It's good to know that some guys don't think that way.

Citizenthom- I appreciate you taking the time to reply; thanks for your answers. Yeah.. I've recently found out the reality of your statement about few single guys having close female friends.
-Side note: Actually, I was always told from the secular world that it's "weird" stuff. Of course, I've never heard a pastor get that gritty in a message to married couples so it makes sense that I don't know the church's pov.-
As for me, I really do desire to be single (and not just because of the issues I've got to work through). I like being able to focus a lot on God, being able to move with my job and doing God's will when He says Go! and not having to ask someone first. I'm not bothered by "loneliness", since I work very well alone. Nor do I look at pictures of weddings or infants, wondering when it's my turn. For me, if I want children, I'll work in an orphanage. The only reason I've been thinking about marriage is because so many people have been on my case that in the future, I'll 'change'. So I thought I'd look into it and see if they were possibly right. After reading through the subforms and asking these questions, I'm sure that I DON'T want to get married.

Honestly, the only time I do want a boyfriend/husband is when I'm in a room full of people who see me as incomplete or worthless without a significant other. Not because I need one.

Btw, I should be clear- yes, I am straight! I find guys to be good looking and I can act girly with the best of them, but I don't desire relationships.

Thank you, all of you, for replying! All of your answers were needed and perfectly timed. Bless each one of you with God's wisdom and peace!