Struggles with SexualityA new forum open to ALL members who are struggling with sexuality issues (including homosexuality). All posts will be reviewed before being made public. NOTE: Only Christians are allowed to reply and offer support here.
I've been dealing with an odd fetish for years now. Because it has nothing really to do with women, I tend to justify it a lot. I've been clean from doing this fetish for a good month now. I have a problem now though, since I got "off" from doing this fetish I find myself lusting more for women. Will it ever end?
The answer to your question is a big yes! It will get easier - but it will take time! Everything worthwhile does take a lot of effort and usually a lot of time too so don't give in. I understand exactly where you're coming from as I struggle with a fetish too. The longer you can think as you should and do the right things instead of what your body and your mind sometimes crave the easier it becomes to say no to the fetish and no to lusting after women. Experts generally say that if you can beat an addiction (let's be honest that's what it is!) for 3 months then you've got it under control - that applies to both fetishs and more common 'lusting'. You still may slip up from time to time - nobody's perfect after all - but hit 3 months and it generally does get a lot easier. If you do fail, then don't beat yourself up - yes, you shouldn't have done it but it happens - repent and carry on, more determined to stay holy (which simply means 'set apart' from the ways of the world.) You've spotted that when you give up one sin other tries to creep in particularly one that provides a similar feeling to what you're missing - your body can be very clever like that so if you're fighting a new battle that you haven't fought in this way before ie. lusting is more a problem than ever then you have my prayers and my encouragement to stay strong. Your brain wants the stimulation physically it is used to and it will fight to get it - so fight back until it gets used to it and is subdued. Starve that craving and it will wither away to almost nothing. I think this is what Paul says when he talks about taking every thought captive - it's an ongoing process and it is indeed a fight that takes place not in one go but gradually with every step you take through life.
I said earlier 'almost nothing' - and I do want to say that I don't think fetishes or any other kind of addiction or sexual issue totally go away in the sense that you'll never be tempted again. You may have it under control and in that sense be living as purely as the next person but don't be surprised when images and words people say etc. spark something off way down the line and temptation is suddenly there again when those same things do nothing for other people. You'll always be susceptible to what you have struggled with, whatever that may be, it's the same for everyone, so being aware of that means you will hopefully be on your guard for the rest of your life against those things that are a struggle for you personally or for those things which are more of a struggle for you. Even if it's no longer a struggle it'll still be easy for you at any point to slip back in very easily and the brain seems to always retain it's ability to quickly get re-addicted to things of the past at a moment's notice - ask any ex-smoker! That's why we need to be extra careful with what we know has been an issue before! So yes, it gets easier to stay pure but what I'm saying is don't drop your guard when it does - and I do mean WHEN it does!
As a further encouragement, it's for the good of you and either your wife or future wife (whichever it is) that you learn good practices and ways of thinking as it will help you keep your mind on what is good and pure and noble and right so keep going with that even when you're tempted to think that it's only a fetish and one that's not wrong. If God prompted you to feel it was wrong then you know that is it - so remind yourself of that! I believe all fetishes are just like lusting at women as it's the reason why you do things, in other words the result you're trying to achieve in your mind and body that is identical and that shows us we need to avoid it all! It is not the object of our focus but whether it's God's picture for sexuality that we're meeting or not so keep encouraging yourself to do what's right by reminding yourself of this and asking yourself why you're doing it and what it will result in when you struggle and it may help you stay pure!
A fetish is a strange thing when you stop and think about it yet it does kind of make sense as it has its roots in normal sexuality. Like everything we see in the world, it's another example of what God created but twisted out of its right context and made into something that hinders and distorts relationships, our thinking and our pure living. I pray you'll keep going and rely on God, as I have so often have to do, to help you when you're tempted. I slip back into bad patterns at times but, as I'm sure you know, if you stop yourself as soon as the thought pops in your head, then it's much easier to stay away from it all instead of allowing yourself to dwell on it - and again, that applies to fetishes and lusting.
I justified a fetish for years when I was young - amazingly it started when I was around 7 or 8 - and it was at least 10 years before I listened to the nagging inside from God that said it just wasn't right and I saw it as such. 10 years on again and I still struggle but it's easier to fight now I know it certainly is wrong - and that's the first part of the battle. I think it makes it difficult to realise that it's wrong because the church NEVER talks about it so you feel alone and feel that it can't be a problem as no-one has ever said its wrong - they've never even mentioned it so how can it be an issue? Yet it is wrong and we, as a church, need to help what I guess is a large number of people out there who are dealing with their fetishes in a whole manner of ways because, for some reason, we ignore it as a church as though it's not even there. Well, one day we'll feel as comfortable talking about it in men's groups and youth talks for boys as we do for the more common male issues and I'm sure that people like you and me would have benefited a lot more if we'd had that when we were younger!
So again, I want to encourage you that you are not alone in your fight and that it does get easier the longer you do what is right every time a thought pops in your head, whatever it may be. I also suggest having something you can do instead of dwelling on things - when a thought comes in you could give someone a call just to say hello, you don't even have to tell you what the deeper motive is - you could read your favourite book or go into another room or turn the computer off or do something wholesome you really enjoy - but doing something else straight away is useful for me and I hope you too! When you wrote your post you were off for a month - well, your body and mind will keep fighting as I'm sure you know pushing you back to the fetish and also more towards lusting. This will continue heavily for a couple of months or so but don't give in - keep fighting. That's why I've written all this - to say that you'll find it tough for now but the end is in sight. If you slip up once, don't think you may as well indulge for a while before trying again, stop straight away and carry on fighting and then you won't have to start at the beginning of 3 months again! If it's take a little longer then keep going! And then keep your guard up as the temptation will always be there even if almost unnoticable most of the time!
Well, do keep the conversation going is you wish and I hope some of what I've said at least is helpful to you! Hope to hear from you soon.
Yeah it's a hard one. If it was porn or on that unhealthy it'd be different (not that I'm saying that those are easy to beat). I might as well explain it, maybe I can help someone else. I believe it's called a "oral fetish" meaning anything that has to do with balloons, bubbles and balls. May sound strange, but there's a lot of sites out there for it. Mine has to more with bubble gum, blowing bubbles and watching them being blown. I'm finding myself chewing gum again but trying not to lose control of my actions. It's a main struggle because chewing gum relaxes me like it does most people.