My parents don't take me seriously and it drives me crazy.

Audacious · #1 27th May 2012, 11:09 PM

So I'm an eighteen year old living in a two-story house with my parents, my two brothers, and my sister (my brothers are eighteen and my sister is sixteen).

My dad is turning 63 this June, has Aspergers Syndrome, works as a lawyer, though we've been having financial trouble for reasons related to his work (he does criminal defense and the system for that is kind of confusing, and he arbitrarily got kicked off one of the group things he was in where he gets cases assigned from); he had four strokes in the past year (the first one being in April or May 2011, the other three being between then and August 2011) and is incredibly unhealthy (to the point where he does things like smoke a pack and a half a day.).

And the thing is, he's so... ugh. I don't know how to deal with him. The Bible says to honor my parents, and I think part of that is having a good relationship with them (or at least trying to), but my dad isn't really someone who does that kind of thing. I mean, he's a complete narcissist - if anyone disagrees with him however slightly, he either plays the victim or gets angry or both, and he blames everything he does that's bad on other people (he has knocked his car into a tree when going up our driveway and blamed the tree). On top of this, he doesn't have conversations (where people exchange ideas back-and-forth); he gives lectures on whatever he's reading and isn't interested in anything else, and if you try to turn it into a conversation he just keeps switching the subject back to whatever he's reading.

I mean, I know that this has to do with his Aspergers, but a lot of the problem is just him. Narcissism, general selfishness, refusing to take responsibility for his actions - and the thing is, he never really apologizes, he just makes excuses. Also, how do you have a relationship with someone when you can't even talk to them about things you disagree on? I was talking to him about tattoos once (about how I think they're not really as bad as they used to be on a social level and that a tattoo isn't a big deal as long as it's tasteful), and he acted like I yelled at him or something and said 'I'm sorry I brought it up then'.

I mean, I can't imagine having a healthy relationship for this man; he's vain, he's selfish, he's narcissistic, he's got a martyr complex, he's close-minded and prejudiced... He's just got so many bad qualities, and no good ones that make up for them. Relationships have to rely on some interest in the other person, but my dad just doesn't have that - it's like he thinks of me as an ornament on his shelf who he can go on and on to about whatever he's reading at the moment, and that's about it.

And then we have my mom. She's 56 this August, has back problems and had open heart surgery when I was about 8; she had a heart attack last February and they put two stents in her (and proceeded to charge us $90,000 for it - we didn't have health insurance at the time, though I doubt the hospital is ever getting their money), and she's got serious issues emotionally. Her mom emotionally abused her to a pretty severe extent (her mom is 78 this year and grew up in USSR-occupied Germany, but escaped when she was eighteen) as well as her two siblings (one of whom is a 'crazy cat lady' with eleven cats, the other of whom is a self-admitting sociopath, because they grew up so well-adjusted); from what I gather, her father wasn't really around and he divorced her mother when she was pretty young (age fourteen at the maximum). She has a bachelor's degree in accounting and a PhD (she's qualified to be a lawyer) but has been a homemaker for, oh, say... eighteen years.

The thing is, she's kind of... I don't really know how to put it. She's a Christian, but she's not really following God and she's not really healed from anything, nor is she relying on God for anything or trying to do His will (instead, she seems to be wrapped up in herself and how much her life sucks - I'm pretty sure she's got clinical depression, though whether it's major or chronic I'm unsure.).

A lot of her issues are genuinely not her fault, but at the same time they wouldn't really be happiness-destroying issues if she had God (or if she took responsibility for her mental state and did what she could to be healthy and constructive in her life, though she'd do that if she had God anyway); she feels unloved because my siblings are often lazy and don't help around the house like she wants them to (me and my brother Stephen aren't really problem areas) and because of my dad, but that's for pretty self-explanatory reasons.

The thing is, she's incredibly nasty and degrading a lot of the time. I mean, she's a wonderful person sometimes, but there's this other side of her which is just evil.

For example, I've got severe depression and have had such for four years. In December 2010 (the tenth, to be exact), I was failing school (I was in a cyber charter school at the time) because of my state of depression - I was completely dysfunctional. When she discovered that I was failing, she told me that my real problem was that I'm a lazy jerk and that I only wanted to change therapists because my current one wasn't expensive enough (...I don't know where she got that from, I wanted to change therapists because that one wasn't really right for me); she also told me that I didn't do school work because I didn't love her enough.

And the thing is, she's incredibly vain; she's yelled at my brother before because he's not making the grades to get into Yale, which is apparently incredibly terrible and depressing for her. She thinks that it's terrible that we don't have expensive furniture (she's said that we're poor because we can't afford to spend $5,000 on a couch) because it's embarrassing to have educated people over and they would judge us badly for having 'crappy furniture' (...though this begs the question 'What educated people?' she has no friends.), because apparently she wants to associate with people who think like this.

I mean, she's so insulting and degrading to talk to; she got angry at my brother the other day and subsequently started bashing me and my other brother ("You arrogant jerks think you know everything, don't you?!") even though we had nothing to do with it. And she has this tendency to accuse people in situations where it doesn't really matter who did something; she also rants at people and genuinely harasses them, going on for 15-30 minutes to someone about how terrible they are because of x reason (the reasons almost always being complete nonsense). Occasionally I speak up against this (I don't think it's moral to see someone victimize someone else and do nothing to stop it), and then she calls me a busybody or something. Thanks to the fact that every month or so I tell her to stop harassing someone, she has decided that I am 'against her' like there's some battle between me and her and people have to take sides (which doesn't really make any sense).

She's also incredibly prideful and arrogant; she thinks she's always right and refuses to change her opinions for any reason. She doesn't listen to a word I say, instead choosing to insult me ("well, you can have childish opinions if you want") after which she tells me she has no opinion on my opinions. She seems to see me as some kind of airhead teenager with no ability to reason, which really goes to show her own inability to reason. She has absolutely no respect for me as a person, and if I disagree with her on any issue she just tells me that I 'don't understand' and that it's completely right to do things like harass people because I don't understand her situation. (Because it's the correct thing to do to tell my sister that she didn't care about the dog when he died last year and that said sister only stayed home when we put him down because she wanted to screw with my mom. You know, reasons which make complete sense if you ignore all of reality.).

She's also done things like threaten to kick me out of the house when I was seventeen because of my grades (this was in the January after the 'you don't love me enough to do your school work' incident), because 'I'm tired of seeing kids make C's and D's'.

She's just this incredibly ... unstable, unreliale person. I mean, again, don't get me wrong - I love my mom, and she can be a wonderfully selfless, giving, loving person; it's just that at the same time, there's this side of her that's terrible and seems to be at odds with the beautiful, loving side of her.

She does things like tell me she's proud of me one second, but almost immediately this opinion will change and she'll act like I'm this disgusting person. When I got out of the psych hospital in May '11 (I went there thanks to my depression; sort of surprisingly I was the only depressed patient who wasn't there due to a suicide attempt), the therapist gave this nice speech about my hope for recovery and stuff, and she was like 'that made me so proud to be your mother!' But a day or two later she'll be insulting me and acting all nasty and degrading again, and she doesn't seem to realize how nuts this is or how this makes me feel.

The thing is, I have a ton of trouble with the things she does and says - for some reason it's incredibly easy for her to emotionally damage me, made harder by how there's never apology or closure with these things. My friends tell me to just ignore her, but it doesn't work - I can't, or don't, for whatever reason (I haven't figured out what it is). And all I can really do is pray to God and try to do the right thing, and try to forgive her, but it's so hard because there's just these long string of things which she just keeps adding to - and whenever I forgive one string she begins another one.

It's so... depressing. I mean, I love her, but she hurts me so much for so little reason, and it's like every time she hurts me the wound just ends up getting ripped right open after it heals. I mean, I'm not going to blame her for any of my actions or mentalities, because even if those things are her fault it doesn't do her or me any good to get angry and blame her - I have to own my mistakes, not cast them off on other people, because even if the problem arose from them the issue is still me, and the thing is, you can't really change others - only yourself (thank God -- imagine how horrible it would be if you changed someone and you screwed it up!).

And there's no real probability that she's going to get better, because she's stuck in this rut where she blames everyone and everything else for her problems and refuses to look to God in her struggles; she's just going to stay this way and I'm going to keep loving her, and she's probably going to keep hurting me, and I have no real way to deal with it.

I feel like a broken record or something, and I have no idea how to deal with these things. I'm so tired of being judged and mistreated by my parents, and though I'm forgiving them (and hopefully will never cease to do so) it's so hard to work past it and have relationships with them. It feels so useless and silly and I don't really know how to deal with it.

I mean, my parents make me feel like a complete failure: I'm not going to Yale. I'm what my dad calls a 'loser' (I'm in tenth grade at the age of eighteen with severe depression and no job thanks to my inability to keep up a job thanks to my depression taking away my ability to do too much work). According to my mom, I'm lazy. I'm also a midget at what is probably my adult height (5'6") according to my mom, because apparently below average height is midgetry. And it's like, every time I try to balance my depression and have to make a choice ("Am I able to do this?" - if I'm not, that means I'm going to eventually collapse via stress-induced 'muscle failure' and be unable to do any real work, mentally or physically, for days, so this is something pretty serious), I feel lazy because I can't just decide to go do the things I should be doing, and everyone in my family thinks I use depression as some kind of silly excuse to get out of stuff, and it's just... ugh.

I'm not sure what I could use advice on, but I get the feeling I could use some now.

James

Ark100 · #2 28th May 2012, 02:40 AM

if you can break this story down, i think you would get more response. The color and size hurt my eyes a bit.

BFine · #3 29th May 2012, 12:42 AM

I would encourage you to connect with a Christian mentor/or asked for a prayer partner pr partners at church.
You need a stable base of mature Christians who can come along side you, support/uplift you in prayer and encourage you as you grow up in the faith and as an adult.
Perhaps someone at church can help you find a personal counselor?

wiremu.white · #4 29th May 2012, 05:55 AM

Originally Posted by Audacious

And the thing is, he's so... ugh. I don't know how to deal with him. The Bible says to honor my parents, and I think part of that is having a good relationship with them (or at least trying to), but my dad isn't really someone who does that kind of thing. I mean, he's a complete narcissist - if anyone disagrees with him however slightly, he either plays the victim or gets angry or both, and he blames everything he does that's bad on other people (he has knocked his car into a tree when going up our driveway and blamed the tree). On top of this, he doesn't have conversations (where people exchange ideas back-and-forth); he gives lectures on whatever he's reading and isn't interested in anything else, and if you try to turn it into a conversation he just keeps switching the subject back to whatever he's reading.

Respect him for God's sake, rather than his. At the least, salute the uniform, so to speak.

Also, consider this a motivator for you to seek adult independence and leave home

You're 18, perhaps you can find a friend to flat with, this could give you a new lease on life and help with that depression as well as get you away from your folks. Do you have any friends at your church thinking about moving out as well? This gives you a bit of freedom to find yourself without always being told what to do, how to think, and so on if your parents are the types who try and micromanage every single detail of your life.

Originally Posted by Audacious

I mean, my parents make me feel like a complete failure: I'm not going to Yale. I'm what my dad calls a 'loser' (I'm in tenth grade at the age of eighteen with severe depression and no job thanks to my inability to keep up a job thanks to my depression taking away my ability to do too much work). According to my mom, I'm lazy. I'm also a midget at what is probably my adult height (5'6") according to my mom, because apparently below average height is midgetry. And it's like, every time I try to balance my depression and have to make a choice ("Am I able to do this?" - if I'm not, that means I'm going to eventually collapse via stress-induced 'muscle failure' and be unable to do any real work, mentally or physically, for days, so this is something pretty serious), I feel lazy because I can't just decide to go do the things I should be doing, and everyone in my family thinks I use depression as some kind of silly excuse to get out of stuff, and it's just... ugh.

So what do you do all day? It sounds to me like you can barely function, yet apparently you can function well enough to post an epic post here to a forum explaining what's on your mind.

Respecting your parents doesn't mean you have to believe their rubbish. You tune out to the bad stuff and take the good. For example, their stuff about your height... that's rubbish, tune out. Or about you being lazy, yet you managed to get a brown belt in karate? Surely that takes some work?

Not everyone's an academic kind of person either. Find something you enjoy doing or that looks interesting that isn't a sin (sorry, you can't be a gangsta or a pimp), and seek to capitalize on it so you can sell a product or a service. For example, if you find yourself constantly reading up on interests like, I dunno, farming... then Yale doesn't really factor in, but finding someone you can work as a farmhand for might. If you try and live someone else's dream job for your life, then yeah it will suck. For example, if you study to be a molecular biologist because that's what dad demands when you have zero interest in the topic.

I don't know your parents, but most parents will settle for you doing something rather than nothing with your life. If you just sleep in till 3pm, play computer games till 3am, then go back to sleep, they will be justifiably mad at you. But if it was something that could turn into honest work, such as hours spent practicing guitar, and you were going out looking for places to sell your skill as a service, they'd probably be happy. Parents just want to see their kids making progress in something rather than rotting and doing nothing. You need to find your thing and go for it with all you've got. If you've got a hobby that you enjoy, look into taking it professional. If you have an interest, pursue it. They might rubbish it at first, but later come around if you're doing well.

My final piece of advice: Read Proverbs. Then read it again. And again. And again...

suzybeezy · #5 30th May 2012, 08:03 PM

MOD HAT ON

Thread has been moved from Christian Advice forum for better support and advice.

MOD HAT OFF

cmjames84 · #6 31st May 2012, 02:46 AM

You are wonderful, a precious child of God, and so very loved. People move at different paces in life and that is okay! We are all unique and depression is not easy. I think it is great you are still in school with everything going on!

I think great advice has been given. I think talking to someone outside of the situation may help.

Also... definitely prayer. Prayer cannot only change the situation my brother, but change how you see the situation as well as your folks.

Family is tough, we all have our issues in families. Trust me, I understand but once I prayed more and more for them, the Lord really opened my eyes and softened my heart to things. I have seen many improvements.

loved33 · #7 31st May 2012, 04:11 AM

Hi Audacious

It sounds so so painful, you really needed to get that out didn't you ?

I appreciate that you took the time to share your heart.

You sound like you have parents who have a lot of issues and yet they don't appear to be in any kind of recovery or healing process - they are this way ...

It sounds like their dysfunctional patterns are making the home feel like an unsafe place for you - the feeling I got from this, for you , was like 'I can't win'.

No wonder you feel depressed.

Your dad has Aspergers so - it's lousy but to a real degree , he cannot perceive the need of others - that is part of the syndrome, sadly.

That makes it heartbreaking for you - you are genuinely going through such pain from not being able to simply be you with him and have him respond to who you are - normally.

For a kid growing up - to not have that emotional connection with dad - would I guess - feel like emotional abandonment.

This is devastating for a child.

I would think it would be natural to feel depressed about such a thing.

Then your mom......she seems to 'gets her worth ' from how you present to the world , so she can be vile to you when you don't show the world how good she is , for having perfect kids who tick all the boxes for whoever 'they' are that she seems to want to impress.

It's not healthy.

It's not your job to be something your mother needs you to be to appease her own self-esteem issues.

These patterns ....

In some ways - reading all of this - it seems like you haven't really been allowed to have your own boundaries - the problems they have have created a dysfunctional atmosphere for children - growing up and learning about their own difference and their separateness from their parents - there seems - particularly with your mom , to be a lot of 'enmeshing'.

You are right to speak out and speak up - you are using your voice - that is good.

But I see you get ridiculed and belittled for doing so - it is quite crushing to keep having this happen.

I would recommend that you go to Codependents Anonymous.

You will learn about healthy boundaries here , you will alsoo meet other people who have similar relational problems that you describe.

I think being able to share your truth, and it not be ridiculed , in a supportive environment, whilst learning about your own relational patterns - would really make a massive difference.

Also you will learn there how to best relate to family members who linger in their dysfunction - while learning to stand up in your own value and worth .

I am confident you would get so much support in that group.

They do have a web site - just google and the meetings are listed.

You are right when you say 'narcissist'. That rings true.

Codependence often is the resulting relational pattern with self and twords others, as a result of being around a narcissist as a child - when you were not able to - move out and get a flat - you were just a kid .

Codependent patterns - are survival patterns.

Go to that group and get your innocence back.... learn about love and that you are worthy of good things and good relatinships with yourself and with others .

your mom and dad were little kids once ...they too were probably dumped on by dysfunctional parents......and never learned any different.

Until someone takes THE recovery step - and goes through the pain of changing the pattern..it just gets repeated.

Praise God for your honesty - and just for the record I'd like to applaud your skill in relating your truth - extremely articulate - very good at communicating - very clear.

Thank you so much for sharing your feelings - your feelings matter - and so do you.

NightHawkeye · #8 31st May 2012, 11:16 AM

Hi, Audacious.

Sounds like it's about time for you to break the parental bonds. After all, what else can your parents do for you? Apparently, they're barely able to take care of themselves. In a few years they will need you to take care of them even. (I don't mean that to be depressing ... but given your dad's history, it seems most realistic.)

Fortunately, you've been given the ability to see their faults ... in order to put that to use in your own life.

Kinda sounds like it's time for role reversals here. Maybe it's time for you to be self-supporting. There's no time better than age eighteen ...

I was eighteen when I left home. It was a painful decision but easy for me. My father was an abusive alcoholic and my mother had been dead for years. Your decision may be more difficult ... but perhaps essential for your own sanity.

Just don't be mean.

You're growing up. Everyone goes through it. Keep the connections with your parents ... however tenuous those connections may be. Your parents may be giving all that they have to give.

Life is good.