Freaking out about surgery

So I'm 22 I've had a pacemaker since I was 8 years old, I've been through alot of surgerys, I went through 3 years of them trying to find a way to put the lead into my heart instead of just on it, and on thursday May 17th I'll be going in for a pacemaker change because the battery doesn't have alot of life left, and the first lead revision, and because of my heart and what they went through with them trying to find the path in the first I'm scared, and I just can't seem to shake bad feelings, and depression, and I don't know how to ask God to help me because it's been so long since I've had a strong relationship with him, and I'm trying but I just can't seem to be able to let him in at this point because of IDK, I feel that I've tried to walk without him for so long I'm afraid that he won't be there now, because well tbh I don't know how to explain the feeling there, if anyone would be able to give me some advice I'd really appreciate it.

I am praying for you. The Lord always has His arms wide open to welcome you back into His fold. He is the good shepherd. He gave His life for the sheep. If one sheep goes astray He looks for the sheep. Just tell the Lord, you are sorry for not having Him in your life for so long. Tell Him you want Him to be Lord of your life again. He is waiting for you to do that. He loves you! You are His child! He died for you! He created you in His likeness. Call out to Him for help. He is always there for you.

God bless and keep you! God has a special plan for your life!

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God is good all the time.

"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

Don't try to figure out how to "fix" your relationship with God. Just depend totally on Him like His child that you - and we all - are. He'll do the rest.

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Sex, potatoes, and chocolate are positive proof that God exists!

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Update so i went in on thursday my ma came up from tenn. To help me explain to the doc that my heart anatomy was different to most, and becaus eof how worried my ma was he decided to put contrast in my viens and take pics of my heart and other stuff that he coudl see, and he came out and told my ma he had never before seen anything like my heart, because blood was going around my heart then in, so he is now puttin in phone calls to people in boston, so hopefully in a month or so I'll know weither or not someone will replace my pacemaker genorator and possibly a lead revision... sorry i know i spelled some words wrong

Thank you for the update. So nice your Ma could explain things to the doctor, sounds promising. Praying for you and for the Lord to lead the doctors. God bless.

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God is good all the time.

"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

have you done an echocardiography

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"I feel that I've tried to walk without him for so long I'm afraid that he won't be there now,"

And THAT'S EXACTLY how satan (who HATES YOU) wants you to feel. Probably a lot of other feelings of guilt, and possibly some self loathing to boot. Don't buy into his "Blame game".

TELL the enemy to take his Judgementalism, and condemnation and stick it where the sun don't shine. God doesn't condemn - He "Convicts" of sin, and all you have to do is turn to Him in repentance, and He's there. HE never went anywhere.