Is this considered sexual assault?? I'm sorry it may be long.

My story isn't as horrible since the girl that did this to me was the same age I still find it hard to call myself a survivor when I feel it's still my fault but I still remember it like yesterday it was just really painful and embarrassing to admit to anyone. The smell of leather in my moms car, how short my legs were that they couldn't even touch the ground of the car, my little frilly socks, as we drove in the summer time to a "friends house" who's name I couldn't even remember. "mom who's Alexandra" I would my mom. To which she would reply "you remember her you guys used to hang out when you where babies" I shook my head no I didn't remember. We reached a small ranch house to which I met my "friend" we hung out and she seemed alright to me I little bossy and she would pull my long hair even though I asked her to stop but alright. We where playing dolls in her room when suddenly she asked me a odd question I just shook my head scared I didn't want to do what she was asking I knew in the back of my little girl mind that it was wrong. But she persisted blocking the door as I tried to get out telling me if I didn't do as she said I wouldn't see my mommy again. Blood pulsing with adrenaline I swallowed nervously and did as she said a stupid thing I regret so much not a day goes by where I don't think of myself as a dirty. questions as to why I didn't push her out of the way or why didn't I do this or that always consume my mind. Sure she was allot bigger than me and smarter (in honors) [bless and do not curse]than me the girl with ADD but I should have put up a bigger fight. But I didn't :c I did as she told me to do I stripped off my cloths. I let her see everything. shaking wishing to just have my cloths. After she was done she gave me a satisfied smile I put on my cloths as she moved from the door I quickly jumped up and ran from that horrible place. I got to my mom and hugged her saying I wanted to go home I new what I did was bad. I had done a bad thing I didn't want her to know so I didn't say anything. I knew I was disgusting in gods eyes and I would be in hers. After this happened my mind repressed this memory until I was 13?? I seriously wish I remembered because I still went over her house and she was a total jerk to me but we got along somehow until one day when i was going through something with my sister and crying hysterically to her about it she tried something with me again. she grabbed my hand and put it on certain parts of her and no matter how many times I told her to stop she didn't I tried to pull away but she wouldn't let me go and after she was satisfied she let go of my arm and told me and I still remember this "you know you liked it because you're a pervert" I felt guilty and hated her guts after that. I stopped hanging out with her no matter how many times she would call. A few years latter I wondered why I was so messed up and afraid of people and the repressed memory of when I was 6 came back to me. Alexandra still acts like nothing was wrong at all and still acts happy to see me and that just makes me nauseous. 5 months ago I joined track and guess who was on the team?? Yep her it didn't help I was already nervous about being good but her being nice to me just made me even more stressed out. That December just before Christmas I attempted suicide ended up in a psych ward on Christmas and now it's April and here I am getting home schooled. So that's my super long story about what I went through not that bad but I feel like it really effected me. Still no one knows because I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to say anything. Plus I feel like no one would believe me since she's so popular and a perfect straight A student. Even now this hurts me to write it's so hard. I don't trust people the way I used to at all.

I am sorry you had this bad experience. How old were you and her?

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You see how cruel the world can be. You were taken to a place by your mother, so you had every reason to think it was safe. You were surprised and overpowered, and you made a mistake. Because you are a good person with a good conscience, that has tormented you ever since.

That's the way the devil deals with us. He hides in things that look respectable to man, he wounds us, and he will use those wounds again us, time and again. But God isn't that way at all. Recall the woman caught in adultery in John 8. She even was an adult, yet Jesus did not condemn her. He protected her, counseled her not to sin anymore, and let her go in peace. He did not come to destroy men's lives, but to save them (Lk 9.56).

Don’t let the devil win. You are fully entitled and deserving of God's love because of the High Price that Christ has paid for you. There is no sin that can keep you from Him now. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Draw strength from His tender love for you – the strength to stand firm and go on with your life in all its fullness.

I think you should pray about reaching out to someone about this, be it your mother or a counselor. I don’t see why you should try to carry this alone. You need a bigger perspective, to see that you were taken advantage of unfairly, and that you have every right to lay the past to rest and move on with your life.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. -Rom 8:31-33

Thank you <3 but I still feel I don't deserve Gods love because I have done somthing so wrong and i feel as if it is my fault. I love God and Jesus and i highly respect him for saving us. But I just feel I don't deserve his love. I'm sorry im not such a good person in the sense that I don't go to church everyday but I do have allot of faith if that counts for anything. Seriously I feel as if it's my fault though and I that I'm (as silly) as it sounds too dirty b/c this happened. :c it hurts but i feel I'm too dirty and disgusting for gods love. I'm scared to tell my mom because I feel she will feel the same way either that or that she won't believe me. I'm sorry if this was offensive to anyone its just hard for me.<3

My dear fallen,

Jesus reached out and touched lepers, who were the most unclean of all according to the Jewish law. They had to go around proclaiming, "Unclean... Unclean...", and live apart from everyone, so no one would accidentally touch them. The religious leaders were always complaining that Jesus hung around with sinners, but He told them that the healthy don't need a doctor, but those who are ill do. He said He had come not for the "righteous" (because there are none), but for sinners and the fallen – just like you and me. Jesus never rejected anyone, ever, no matter how bad their sins were.

None of us deserve His love. Not the best of us. Every one of us is fallen and broken, in need of a Savior. Otherwise, Jesus would not have had to come and suffer so greatly. Why would He do that except that it was necessary?

Every stripe he took, every nail, every agonizing breath on the Cross, was for you. That's how much He loves you. If you had a crippled cat, would you love it less? No, if anything, you would love it with more compassion. That's how Jesus feels toward us.

Now, picture all that love toward us, but that we are afraid to go to Him and receive it. Would that not be the greatest tragedy of all, that comfort and healing were available, but we did not avail ourselves of it?

Jesus knows how difficult this world is, how prone we are to make mistakes, and how evil viciously tries to destroy us. He could have let mankind go its disastrous way, but instead He intervened to make a way to heaven for us, so we could be with Him. Having done all that, He is not going to reject you now.

I have been where you are. After I walked away from God, I had a vision of myself dangling over an huge dark abyss by one thread, just waiting to drop. There was nothing I could do to save myself. Struggling only would have broken the thread sooner. I knew I was going to die and go to hell, and I began to put my affairs in order. But then a strange thing happened: nothing. Days went to weeks and then months, and I didn’t die. I was astounded and confused, because I knew the vision was true. Then I realized that Jesus was keeping me even when I couldn’t keep myself. After all I had done to Him, all the ways I had failed Him, He still loved and wanted me. I couldn’t resist that kind of love.

God's love is not like ours. It is perfect. Our concept of love in this fallen world is finite. We cannot grasp the largeness of God's heart. Please, don’t sell Him short. You cannot out-sin God's forgiveness and grace. That's why He told us to forgive 70 x 7 times: because that's what He himself does for us.

Please, don’t carry this by yourself any more. You can go to Jesus and be cleansed and healed. It's all about Him. We really can't add anything to our salvation. If we were perfect and sinless, we would have no need to go to the Cross. But as it is, everyone needs Jesus, because no one can make it on their own. And you are no worse than anyone else. It has nothing to do with how often you go to church, or how good you think you are. God's love is far greater than even how you feel about yourself.

If I can help in any way, PM or email me. But please, pray about finding someone to confide in who can help broaden your perspective. You are placing too much blame on yourself. Jesus will readily forgive this (if there's anything to be forgiven), accept you back, and restore you. Go to the throne of grace for help in time of need.

God bless you.

Okay you prove a good point I'm still not sure if this is harassment but thanks for responding with such good advice <3 I'll try to tell someone but it will still take time. I'm thinking i'll try to tell a therapist first than work up the courage to telling my mom.

That sounds good Fallen. Take your time, pray on it, and try to sense which way forward you have peace on. It is very good, in any case, that you are reaching out. If you have any questions, doubts, or just need to talk, I'm sure you'll find people here who understand, who have been around the block a few times and have that broader perspective I spoke of. And you can always contact me as well.

Above all, no matter how it may feel for a while, believe that Jesus loves you and has not abandoned you. That will be your anchor, and He will see you through to victory.

Whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart - and He knows everything! -1John 3:20