Gender Differences - Fidelity - My theory

EZoolander · #1 16th March 2012, 10:28 AM

So - since gender differences seems to be a prevalent topic here - I'm going to throw out a theory I've always had (based upon admittedly my own subjective experiences/knowledge/friends) on the topic of fidelity.

General rule:
Men are far more likely to cheat before marriage, women are far more likely to cheat while married.

Hypothesis:
Men and women approach dating and marriage in fundamentally different ways.

For example - when I got married - one of the primary things on my mind was "is this the last woman I'm prepared to ever have sex with?" As a result - a good portion of my consideration on whether or not to marry was based solely upon the idea of accepting/reconciling myself to the idea that there would be no more. Marriage itself was the solidification of that idea. Implicit in the vows (although unspoken) was the idea that "I am done sowing my oats".

That's how marriage begins, and how marriage is framed, from the very onset.

Before getting married, however, I saw myself as "unattached". Now, of course, there were varying degrees of attachment based upon how I felt about someone, how long we had been dating, etc. But - when I was dating - it was always with the belief that "although I'm having sex with you now, I fully intend to be having sex with someone else in the foreseeable future. This relationship is temporary."

Someone that had been dating me for a week was in a far more precarious position than someone that had been dating me for a month...who was in a far more precarious position than someone that had been with me for six months...etc. But - even if (for example) I'd been with someone for six months - unless that idea of marriage had crossed my head - I still viewed her as temporary.

I wasn't "interviewing" for marriage...as I figured when I met the right one I would know it. Everyone else was just filler until then.

...and most guys I know say that's very similar to how they felt when dating.

We're not committed, therefore, there's no expectation of fidelity. The most you owe that other person is being forthright about your lack of commitment.

As a result - we enter into marriage with a completely different foundation and set of expectations than what women do.

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Women on the other hand (as said above), I believe, approach dating in a fundamentally different way. I believe most women are "interviewing". Most people they date are viewed in the context of "would he be a good spouse?" As a result - relationships are given a much different kind of "weight" and/or seriousness compared to how a man views it.

Women are beset with thoughts like "If this guy is the one, what would it say about our relationship if I were out there banging other guys?" Men, however, are thinking "She doesn't strike me as the one, so it doesn't matter if I plan on banging someone else".

As a result - women come into the marriage with a different dynamic - and are much more prone to disappointment as a result of it.

Men don't really have a lot of expectations about how marriage is going to be - apart from "I get to have sex regularly, and have someone around that I love". They don't envision much beyond that...except maybe some good dinners. That's probably how they viewed their parent's marriage...and that's what they see for themselves. As a result - there's not a lot of room for disappointment (except for sexual denial - which you see as a common thread).

Women, however, because of the process of "interviewing" have a much more solid idea of what they perceive the ideal mate to be. They know who their "prince charming" is (or who they hope it would be). They have far more definite ideas about what that person is like than men do.

"The greater the number of laws - the greater number of criminals"...ya know that saying? It's kind of the same thing with expectations... The greater the number of expectations - the more chance for disappointment. Most likely if you keep putting out for your husband - he'll be a happy camper. With women it's not nearly as easy.

As time goes on - women realize that the reality of who this guy is doesn't match up with what she idealized. There's a far greater degree of chance for doubt with a woman...and if the guy does nothing about it...that doubt can become overwhelming. At some point - left unchecked - doubt will manifest itself. She will begin to wonder if she married the wrong person...if this whole thing was just an utter mistake...etc.

...and along comes a guy who tells her what she wants to hear. "Ya know, if you were mine, I would cherish you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. He doesn't know what he has..." etc etc.

...and voila - disappointment and doubt combined with seeming affirmation that there are guys out there that embody what she always wanted...she cheats.

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Now - I know there are exceptions of course. But - with that caveat put in place - I can honestly say that most guys I know that have "cheated" fell into that camp - and the women I know that have "cheated" fall into the other.

I don't know a single guy that has cheated on his wife* - but I know a ton that cheated on girlfriends. I don't know a single woman that cheated on a boyfriend - but I know a ton that have cheated on their husbands.

*I put that asterisk there because it deserves a caveat. I know one or two guys that separated and were banging around during that period without divorcing. In that - I think that women have an advantage. Women will seemingly take the chance of divorce before finding someone else before men will. Men in that position seem to want the security of having someone there before filing for the divorce.

...

thoughts? lol

JaneFW · #2 16th March 2012, 10:33 AM

Not really any thoughts on any of that because it doesn't line up with anything that I have experienced as a female for whatever part of my 49 years I have been aware of males and relationships, nor what I have experienced from boyfriends or husbands, nor what I have seen and heard of spouses cheating.

EZoolander · #3 16th March 2012, 10:35 AM

Hmm - as I said - it's based upon my unique set of observations (based upon people I know).

Like I said - (of my admittedly select group of acquaintances) I don't know a single guy that has cheated on a wife - but I know a ton that have cheated on girlfriends. I also don't know a single woman that cheated on a boyfriend - but I know a ton that have cheated on husbands.

That's where my observation comes from.

EZoolander · #4 16th March 2012, 10:39 AM

Got an interesting rep - from someone asking "is this Christian"

...probably not...but I think it's fair to focus on how people actually behave sometimes.

I believe that's how people are...not how they aspire to be...which often gets confused. The thing is - recognizing how people are is an empowering thing.

Your wife wants the guy she idealized? It's really not that hard to fulfill that expectation. Treat her nicely, ask her how her day was, be genuinely interested, give her "breaks" to go out with the girls, etc...and be attentive. Voila - you're "prince charming". It's really not that hard...and poof. Most likely you won't need to worry about the doubt.

Husbands? Give him pretty regular sex, be nice to him, and there ya go.

I do think it's really that simple...lol

c1ners · #5 16th March 2012, 10:45 AM

Question time! Are you saying that some men delibrately say those things to a married woman (especially an unhappily married woman) in order to get her into his bed?

I'm not sure if I agree with your observation or not. Some of it, maybe. I guess my main disagreement would be with your observation that more women cheat in a marriage then men. I just do not agree with that at all! But it's your observation and I will respect it.

Angeldove97 · #6 16th March 2012, 10:47 AM

I don't agree with any statements that say "men do this and women do that". As others have already posted, I don't see that happening in my life with my family and friends.

EZoolander · #7 16th March 2012, 10:49 AM

Originally Posted by c1ners

Question time! Are you saying that some men delibrately say those things to a married woman (especially an unhappily married woman) in order to get her into his bed?

I'm not sure if I agree with your observation or not. Some of it, maybe. I guess my main disagreement would be with your observation that more women cheat in a marriage then men. I just do not agree with that at all! But it's your observation and I will respect it.

Yeah, I could very well be wrong.

This is out of a cross sampling of about 50 people and the ones I know the details of...lol

c1ners · #8 16th March 2012, 10:50 AM

Originally Posted by EZoolander

Got an interesting rep - from someone asking "is this Christian"

...probably not...but I think it's fair to focus on how people actually behave sometimes.

I believe that's how people are...not how they aspire to be...which often gets confused. The thing is - recognizing how people are is an empowering thing.

Your wife wants the guy she idealized? It's really not that hard to fulfill that expectation. Treat her nicely, ask her how her day was, be genuinely interested, give her "breaks" to go out with the girls, etc...and be attentive. Voila - you're "prince charming". It's really not that hard...and poof. Most likely you won't need to worry about the doubt.

Husbands? Give him pretty regular sex, be nice to him, and there ya go.

I do think it's really that simple...lol

Now the bolded I agree with!

But I'd add in "respect him" for one of the things a woman should do.

dallasapple · #9 16th March 2012, 11:19 AM

The only problem is the general rule is not accurate right off the bat.I don't know about before marriage but all the info I have ever read on infedelity statistically women are not far maor likely to cheat during marriage ...its closer to even with the men having a slight lead.

Dallas

EZoolander · #10 16th March 2012, 11:55 AM

Hmmm - weird then because I must know a really abnormal group...lol

Now - that being said - my caveat about dudes "separating" and not considering themselves cheating even though they haven't filed for divorce yet/completed hasn't been factored in. What I'm talking about is just flagrant "I'm still going home to this person - but cheating".