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  #81  
Old 26th January 2012, 03:16 PM
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Hi everyone, please feel free to post in the thread. Please post in love, on topic, and with a helping heart. Thank you.
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I support the Biblical definition of marriage.

ďAs for me and my house we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15)

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (Phil 4:8)
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  #82  
Old 26th January 2012, 03:36 PM
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Peekaboo,

Keep God in it the situation, work with your husband and keep a clear mind through it. You are there to help him along with having the mind to 'run' when things get completely out of hand. This is all I have to say. At least there is a plan in place between you two. It's an addiction though... sounds about as bad being addicted to drugs.
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  #83  
Old 26th January 2012, 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by peckaboo View Post
I also arranged a couple of "girl-dates" with some girlfriends in the UK in the weeks after I get home, so that I can have some support or at least a distraction from everything that's going on at home.

You should, if it's possible take the same approach when interacting with him throughout his recovery/healing process. By that I mean that not every interaction you have with him should be about the issue. As much as it is possible, try to have some times with him where this is put aside as completely as possible, just enjoying being with eachother. I'm not saying to fake anything and I'm certainly not saying sweep it under the rug and forget about it. More like "putting it away" for a short while so that what's good in your marriage doesn't get dominated for a long time during his recovery and eventually get forgotten. I've know of couples, reconciling after infidelity or something equally serious who made healing the rift the entire focus of everything they did for a year or more and by the time that issue was handled, they had litterally forgotten what it was they were fighting to save and almost ended up getting divorced anyway. So definitely try to set aside some time to simply enjoy being around eachother, doing the things you've always done together. Obviously there's going to be a bit of an elephant in the room, just try to stuff it into the closet on occasion.
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  #84  
Old 3rd February 2012, 05:05 AM
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I have wives call me about their husbands secret porn use and what can they do. It is difficult for the husband to accept he has a problem when he is so immersed. Some times it takes something quite radical like leaving until he pops out of his dark cloud. But before you do that may I suggest a manual you can buy him that would definitely help him. Here's my story with the manual info at the end.

I came across porn accidentally by typing in .com instead of .net for a web address. What I saw exploded my mind and a lot of hidden anchors from the past surfaced. That was 18 years ago. About 4 years later I managed to wean myself off of porn. I still am tempted here and there but I have a strength in God and a plan and system in place to overcome. After a few more years I started an organization called Set Free Porn, to help men be set free from porn and lately I started another organization to do the same but also to provide a tool for men to use at home, OFF the internet. It is a self help Manual titled, " Empowering Men - to Overcome The Temptation." You can get the manual from Save The Source . It is 90 pages long and has a unique approach unlike any other manual or book. It will definitely help men stop viewing porn.
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  #85  
Old 3rd February 2012, 08:26 AM
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Christ

Originally Posted by Agentle View Post
I have wives call me about their husbands secret porn use and what can they do. It is difficult for the husband to accept he has a problem when he is so immersed. Some times it takes something quite radical like leaving until he pops out of his dark cloud. But before you do that may I suggest a manual you can buy him that would definitely help him. Here's my story with the manual info at the end.

I came across porn accidentally by typing in .com instead of .net for a web address. What I saw exploded my mind and a lot of hidden anchors from the past surfaced. That was 18 years ago. About 4 years later I managed to wean myself off of porn. I still am tempted here and there but I have a strength in God and a plan and system in place to overcome. After a few more years I started an organization called Set Free Porn, to help men be set free from porn and lately I started another organization to do the same but also to provide a tool for men to use at home, OFF the internet. It is a self help Manual titled, " Empowering Men - to Overcome The Temptation." You can get the manual from Save The Source . It is 90 pages long and has a unique approach unlike any other manual or book. It will definitely help men stop viewing porn.
Hi, glad you made it off the P. It's certainly designed with the devil's blessing to be something one craves and buys for life.

In terms of the program you started, is it something that can be used online? If you have the time, could you write me a pm with the particulars. As you can imagine, someone in my kind of position runs across men and women all the time who have addictions to pornography. God bless you.
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I support the Biblical definition of marriage.

ďAs for me and my house we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15)

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (Phil 4:8)
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  #86  
Old 4th February 2012, 01:18 PM
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How are ya doing Peck?
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  #87  
Old 4th February 2012, 01:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Agentle View Post
I have wives call me about their husbands secret porn use and what can they do. It is difficult for the husband to accept he has a problem when he is so immersed. Some times it takes something quite radical like leaving until he pops out of his dark cloud. But before you do that may I suggest a manual you can buy him that would definitely help him. Here's my story with the manual info at the end.

I came across porn accidentally by typing in .com instead of .net for a web address. What I saw exploded my mind and a lot of hidden anchors from the past surfaced. That was 18 years ago. About 4 years later I managed to wean myself off of porn. I still am tempted here and there but I have a strength in God and a plan and system in place to overcome. After a few more years I started an organization called Set Free Porn, to help men be set free from porn and lately I started another organization to do the same but also to provide a tool for men to use at home, OFF the internet. It is a self help Manual titled, " Empowering Men - to Overcome The Temptation." You can get the manual from Save The Source . It is 90 pages long and has a unique approach unlike any other manual or book. It will definitely help men stop viewing porn.
As a man yourself .. do you think that a man in your position would be okay about it if his wife gave him such a manual?

I'm very glad for you that you are free from this addiction. It's a very hard thing to do.

I also agree that it does take a shock to the system before a person is ready to do a 180. The desire to change has to come from within. Good for you.
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  #88  
Old 5th February 2012, 01:51 AM
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I felt a strong leading to post on this blog tonight, which is funny since I don't usually post on the web.

I wanted to start out by saying that I believe we must be very careful when teaching scripture, or when giving advice to others as teachers are held to a higher standard; that being said, I was first led to respond to the reference to Acts 5:1-11. "But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession. And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part and laid it at the apostles feet......"

The explanation given was, "This means that it was not instigated by Sapphira. Her husband did this, but she was totally aware of it, and didn't stop him. So she was held accountable even to the point of death."

I would encourage us all to pray for wisdom when we quote and define scripture. Based on the verse it would appear that both Ananias and Sapphira sold the property, since with = together. I do however, agree that Sapphira was privy to the fact that Ananias kept back some of the proceeds. I believe that the truth should be extended to someone who is sinning as we are called to admonish a sinner, but to interject with the example that Peckaboo's husband knows what he is doing is against God's word and not only that but he is hurting his wife; after that it is that person's choice to choose to sin or not. It is not Peckaboo's responsibility to carry his sin. Is God held accountable because he didn't stop us from doing something? No, absolutely not! Are there consequences for what we do? Absolutely! We all have free will and are responsible for our own sins. As an example, Ananias chose to lie to God so he died in his sin. Sapphira could have confessed and would have been forgiven, but she chose to lie to God too. She died in her own sin not the sin of her husband. I'm happy to go into further detail, but I felt this was not the only reason I was led here tonight.


Dearest Peckaboo,

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. My heart grieves for you because it sounds so much like the story I am going through with my husband at this moment. The only offering I can give to you is that you are Fearfully and Wonderfully made, and that God loves you unconditionally. I know that this doesn't really help in the physical world we live in because you want and need your flesh and blood husband to love you unconditionally and you feel very lonely at this time. I know what you are going through as I have had the same thoughts and feelings that you are feeling now. Feeling that it would be easier if I was not alive so I didn't have to deal with the pain. At those moments promise me that you will cry out to God and tell him that you need him. I know that I don't know you personally, but I needed and wanted to tell you that you are Wanted, Precious, and Valuable! Remember that you are a Daughter of the Most High King, and that you are precious in His eyes. He knows every hair on your head, every tear that you cry, and every thought even before you speak it. He loves you and will never forsake you! Every time I have felt like I'm at the end of my rope, so to speak. I have cried and called out to God and told him that I couldn't handle it anymore. In those moments He has come to my rescue. I know he will do the same for you. He loves you Peckaboo.

I know that you are hurt, lonely, and don't understand why your husband is choosing porn over you. I'm there now. I fasted for 2 weeks because I was so sad and thought that if I was skinnier, had (insert)... Please, Please, don't ever believe the lies that it's because of you or that pornography is ok. It's not! The enemy loves it when we believe the lies.

My husband had this addiction long before we were married; your husband may have too but hid it well. I also have a fear of abandonment.

The second time I cried out to God, I've done this a couple of times, since I'm a control freak and couldn't let God have control of everything Let it all go.
God is the only one who has the power to change the situation. I was sobbing in my car because I couldn't cry around my husband. I told God I couldn't handle it anymore and if he wanted my marriage to work that he would have to handle it because I couldn't. That's all God wanted to hear; he wanted me to give up the control to Him. God is the only one who can fix your husband believe me I've tried to fix mine. As much as I want the pornography and lying to stop only God can create a new heart in my husband. I've been told that since my husband isn't a Christian that it will be even more difficult and harder to face. As I turned to God by reading the Word, the Holy Spirit led me to the verse where husband and wife become one flesh. Well, if we are one flesh then God can certainly work on my husband through me I just need to pray. I've learned though (albeit hard) that God doesn't need me to work on my husband, or work through me to reach my husband. God is amazing! He can do anything, change anyone; we just have to give over the control, believe that it has been done, and get out of His way. I'm really trying hard to get out of God's way I struggle with it because I'm stubborn and controlling so it has been really hard for me. I still pray for my husband everyday that his temptation to pornography and lust would not overwhelm him and that if he makes a mistake he would be completely upfront and honest with me, but ultimately it's up to God and it is up to him. Prayer is powerful. The days when I don't pray I see him struggle. I see myself struggle.

My husband was also adamant that he could handle it himself. Prior to the car incident I found out that he lied to me about looking; I gave him every opportunity to tell the truth and he still lied. The second time I cried in my car was after I had caught him in a yet another lie. I was so tired of dealing with the lies and my feelings of unworthiness and insecurity because I felt like my husband didn't care and that it was never going to change. That night he asked me what was wrong, and I said I didn't want to talk about it and I was going to bed. That is the complete opposite of what I usually would have done. God helped me that night to be silent and wait on Him to do His job. I'm an enabler, codependent so usually I would beg and plead etc....It was the first time I didn't act like if he left I would die.

Sorry for the novel, I want to encourage you that it can change the first time I felt like I couldn't handle it God worked in my husband and he agreed to go to marriage counseling. The second time he told me he didn't want to hurt me anymore and agreed to get an accountability partner. God is working in my husband in amazing ways he is going to church with me tomorrow. Praise God!

If you don't have the book the power of a praying wife by Stormie O' Martin I would recommend it. I'll send it to you if finances are tight or you can't get it overseas. It has helped a lot along with some of the other Christian websites dealing with porn addiction. For me marriage counseling has opened a lot of wounds I had built walls around so it hasn't been easy, but it was necessary. I wanted to compromise so many times because I was scared and am still scared to lose him. Going to church, reading my Bible, and attending a woman's Bible study have helped. Philippians 4, and II Timothy 1:7 have been a lifeline for me. Be educated but be careful of the blogs that excuse pornography. There have been some that have made me want to throw in the towel. Focus on God first and by doing that you will take care of yourself. God can restore your marriage just look at Cindy Beall and her husband. If you ever need to talk you may contact me anytime. I'm going to pray over you.

Blessings,

Dear Almighty Father,

I pray for Peckaboo during her time of hardship that you would envelop her in your wings of love and protection shielding her heart from the darts of the enemy, and heal her broken heart Lord. I pray that you would show her how you see her Lord. Show her that she is a beautiful, wonderful woman, your precious precious daughter, and that you love her just the way she is. I also pray that you would allow her husband to see her through your eyes Lord and that you would open his eyes Lord to know the pain he is causing Peckaboo. Lord, I ask that you would restore their marriage and make it stronger than Peckaboo could ever dream possible. I also pray for Peckaboo's husband that he would be freed of his addiction, and that you would bring him back as a mighty man of integrity and chastity. Lord, help her husband realize that he cannot fight this battle on his own and put people in their lives that will support them and keep the enemy far from them. I pray in the name of your most Precious Son and our Savior Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.
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Old 5th February 2012, 07:13 AM
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It is frightening to post, because the words I type may be wrong.

Since I am a guy, but dont have this problem, I will substitute a problem I do have. I can get frustrated with my wife and yell at her. It is the normal small disagreement, then grows, then I yell. It is not too often, but it is often enough that I went to counselling because my wife wanted to leave.

So, I will substitute my yelling with your hubby's viewing bad material.

As the husband, I know I have a problem. I hope your husband at least will admit there is some 'problem'. Nothing more than that to start: 'yes, wife, I know it is a problem'.

Now Biblically of course you cannot self harm yourself, nor leave your husband. So that is just out of the thinking. If that comes into your mind, you need to pray and immediately KNOW and tell God you know that is not an option. Even say it out loud.

As a husband, here is how I would like my wife to help me. I would like her to forgive me EVERY time and tell me she forgives me. It is ok for her to say 'wow, that really hurt me, and I hope it will stop, but husband, I am your wife and I am gonna forgive you, and that is that'

I think what I type is Biblical and can help. For me, my wife is leaving me. So that is no good. I yelled one time too many. And she never forgave ever, anything, I ever did. So it just filled up. Funny, but I did not yell from September to January. But one yell in four months ended the marriage. And my wife is a very committed Christian. But she just kind of got filled up from the years past.

So, please do not get filled up. Just forgive him (God, I have no idea how hard it may be). But, ha ha, you can even forgive if you dont feel like it. You can choose to forgive... again and again. You can even say to hubby, 'wow, I sure dont FEEL like forgiving, but I am Christian and I should do it'.

Now maybe here is where I become unBiblical. Forgive me if I am wrong. What if hubby does not say 'sorry' or does not admit to any problem. Hmmm, I think you should still forgive - just on your own.

One of the most powerful ways I have learned to overcome habitual problems is to know I am forgiven, by God, when I ask. It seems weird, but I used to beat myself up. Then I could not change. But when I felt forgiven, I could change (pretty slowly, though).

I hope all will go great for you and your husband. And please, I type as man here, I dont think YOUR sexuality is any way connected to the addiction. To be honest, you are so sweet to think 'I will make myself more attractive to him. It is so nice that you are willing to do stuff to help.

I think the best thing you can do is forgive again and again and again.

God (I mean to Him) I sure hope my words are OK. I dont want to hurt the situation!
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  #90  
Old 7th February 2012, 09:52 AM
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Reps: 18,285,219,177,257,924 (power: 18,285,219,177,261)
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Hi, thanks for the continued support / prayer / advice. Things have been a little better this week. I came home from the States last Wednesday, and for the first time I wasn't looking forward to going home and seeing him. When he got back from work that evening, he was very loving and affectionate, and we did have sex, but I didn't even get through that without crying. Normally I just bury my face in his shoulder or in the pillow or something if I cry during sex so he doesn't notice, and normally I'm done crying before we're finished, but this time he noticed and was bewildered as to why. I didn't want to bring it up and have a big argument on my first day home so I told him I was just happy to be home.

On Friday I was still feeling pretty down about the whole thing, but I told him at dinner that I really felt convicted that I hadn't responded well to him in the past (which was true), that I've attacked him personally rather than addressing the problem, and that I haven't listened when he's tried to explain what drives him to do this. I told him that I perceive this an attack from Satan on our marriage, and that if either of us allows it to come between us, he's winning. I also told him that God had opened my eyes to that fact that whenever I sin, it causes Him the same hurt and betrayal that I feel when DH uses porn, and I apologised for having such a self-righteous attitude and leaving so many things uncorrected in my own life while I concentrated on his sin. I'd hoped that this would open up a conversation about the porn use itself, but it didn't, beyond DH thanking me for apologising. He said it's helpful for him that i take such a strict approach and don't let him "get away with it", but that when I'm really aggressive about it he feels like he's on his own and I'm not willing to support him while he tries to deal with it. I was kind of frustrated that the conversation didn't develop further, but I didn't push it.

After we next had sex, I asked him if having sex with me feels different than looking at porn, even though the physical processes going on in his body are the same. He wasn't really keen to talk about it, but we did manage to have an open conversation with no raised voices or accusations, so that was good. He still couldn't understand why it affected me, so I told him that the thing that stops me from starting down the road of infidelity when I'm tempted to really flirt with a guy in a bar or something is the knowledge that I gave my sexuality freely and competely to him, so I can't snatch part of it back and give it to someone else, or spend it some selfish little pleasure that I want, because it's not mine; it's his. The reverse is also true; when we got married he gave his sexuality to me of his own free will, and when he looks at porn, he's snatching some of it back to spend on himself. That's why it affects me. He considered this for a while, then said that he'd never thought of it as part of his sexuality before; he just thought it was an inherent character flaw. But he said when I put it like that he could see why it is my buisness, after all. And he said repeatedly that it makes him feel horrible, and he thinks it's wrong, and he wants to stop.

We still didn't establish anything like whether we were going to put filters on the other computers / mobile devices, or set up an accountability partner for him, but at least we're talking honestly about it. I told him it would help me to be supportive if he also told me some of the times that he resists temptation, rather than just the times he gives in. I think knowing that 90% of the time he does the right thing will help me not to totally flip out over the 10% that he does the wrong thing.

I fully anticipate that he will slip up again in this area, and at that point I will insist on more positive action on his part. But I didn't want to go straight in with a list of "demands" or an ultimatum, because my track record is to deal with this in kind of an aggressive way, so I wanted to first establish with him that I'm on his side and that I'll come on this journey with him. The next time we talk about it we can discuss what exactly the 'journey' will look like and what we are and aren't going to bring with us.

Anyway, I apologise for the super-long post! Thank you all again for reading and posting and praying and sharing your own experiences.
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