I have a question..hope I can get some advise. I have older children, almost 18 and 20 year old. The 20 yr old just enrolled in college, is working full time and is gone most of the time. I want to know from some parents, when do you stop stocking the shelves with food for your almost grown kid to eat. You see I do not work due to health reasons, we are living basically paycheck to paycheck, and it gets under my skin when my child complains that there is nothing (which there is something) to eat. I cook some, but my husband and I grab meals on our own since most of the time the both of my grown children are not home. We pay his cell phone bill, and his insurance, he gives us money..most of the time to help with his bills, and he usually buys some groceries that he likes to eat. I do fix dinner, not every night, but is it wrong for me to feel like I don't need to support my child with everything, esp the groceries? Groceries for 4 grown people is not cheap and it goes fast. He makes me feel guilty for not being a susie homemaker and having a full course meal every night on the table. How do you show tough love and say, you work, you spend money on yourself and your girlfriend, you need to buy your own groceries...I mean am I being mean? lol I know when they turn 18 technically you do not have to support them, but I am not like that and try to help out, maybe to much. He is a good son, and I would never let my children go hungry, but should he still be relying on us to support him this much?
Sorry I don't want to sound like a mean parent, but I feel I should no longer have to support him when he's almost 21. I understand working a full time job and college is alot, that's why I do try to help out.
Sounds like he's trying his best, tell him how money is running low and you are running paycheck to paycheck. Don't be like your 21 you need to feed yourself. Also job+college can be stressful, college is a but load of money if he's paying it himself.
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I have a question..hope I can get some advise. I have older children, almost 18 and 20 year old. The 20 yr old just enrolled in college, is working full time and is gone most of the time. I want to know from some parents, when do you stop stocking the shelves with food for your almost grown kid to eat. You see I do not work due to health reasons, we are living basically paycheck to paycheck, and it gets under my skin when my child complains that there is nothing (which there is something) to eat. I cook some, but my husband and I grab meals on our own since most of the time the both of my grown children are not home. We pay his cell phone bill, and his insurance, he gives us money..most of the time to help with his bills, and he usually buys some groceries that he likes to eat. I do fix dinner, not every night, but is it wrong for me to feel like I don't need to support my child with everything, esp the groceries? Groceries for 4 grown people is not cheap and it goes fast. He makes me feel guilty for not being a susie homemaker and having a full course meal every night on the table. How do you show tough love and say, you work, you spend money on yourself and your girlfriend, you need to buy your own groceries...I mean am I being mean? lol I know when they turn 18 technically you do not have to support them, but I am not like that and try to help out, maybe to much. He is a good son, and I would never let my children go hungry, but should he still be relying on us to support him this much?
Sorry I don't want to sound like a mean parent, but I feel I should no longer have to support him when he's almost 21. I understand working a full time job and college is alot, that's why I do try to help out.
thanks for your advise.
based on what you said, i think your son is trying to do the right thing. but he just do not have a sense of reality yet.
you should definitely encourage him to live on his own, at least for a little while. once he know how harsh reality is. he'll realize your household is like a heaven.
Maybe it is time to give him the choice of charging him rent (and using this money to put food in the pantry making it know that you are not his cook) or offering him a free place to crash but food isn't included in the deal. He can get mad and move out...and find out that real life cost money...or he can understand this is just another phase in growing up.
He has a 21 birthday coming up...maybe it is time to discuss that being the "turning point" in his life as a semi-dependant child to an adult. I might revisit the bills too...instead of you paying them and he "gives you money"...maybe you need to collect his money specifically for these bills so both of you see it as "he pays his own bills".
I'd say it is time for you and your husband to have a sit down talk with him.
When my grown kids live at home, we don't charge "rent", but we do expect help with groceries, to be responsible about utility usage, take care of their own bills and save money to get back on their own. Right now, my youngest son and his girlfriend are living with us. They have a baby on the way (please no flames about unwed cohabitation and parenting here). We are helping them as they help us. We provide them a home until they can get on their feet and they help us with things like our upcoming cross-country move. Once we get moved, my son will look for a job (he's an apprentice electrician) and will start saving $ for the baby and to get on their own. We expect that we'll probably be providing a lot of stuff for the baby (not a big deal, another grandchild is SUCH a blessing!) and they will provide for themselves the best they can. We expect that they'll be able to stand on their own 2 feet in about a year.
My older son got shown the door though. He had the attitude of "I'm an adult" while acting like a spoiled child. I offered him a one way trip to the local military recruiter of his choice. He went in the army and has flourished!
At some point, the financial aid has to stop. OR, like with my younger son, it's a barter. We provide stuff, he provides muscle. So far, so good.
Food is a necessity, so while it would be nice if older children helped with buying groceries, I would never stop them from eating the food that is in our home. However, we don't pay for cell phones, cars, gas, insurance, etc.
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