From abuse to happiness.

So the story goes on. . . Thanks to all who have been reading this. I hope it can help a bit.

Life for me went on like this for years. When I was ten years old my church started visiting nearby nursing homes. I loved doing this ministry with them. It made me feel important but more than that it brought joy to my heart seeing all the elderly people smile. I knew that some of them had hard times getting in and out of the room that we did chapel services in and often I would "help" the nurses with these patients. As a child I loved singing in church. I was so excited about singing this particular Sunday because I was getting to sing a solo of Amazing Grace. I loved that song as a child and even to this day I still love it. My voice has changed quite a bit however. I don't sing as well as I used to when I was a child.

I remember being nervous about getting up and singing in front of a bunch of people that I didn't know. I felt like I was going to mess up and these people were going to judge me for it. but.... I got up and sang anyways. I recieved a clap at the end of the song and my pastor saying to me. . . You did great. I took my seat and sat through the rest of the service. I particularly remember it being a great service although for the life of me I can't remember what the pastor was saying. Funny how those memories are so fleeting when you really wish you could recall that certain detail.

As we started to gather our gear to leave for the evening I overheard a nurse saying "alright Ms Emmie it's time to go back to your room." I stopped dead in my tracks. "did she just say Emmie?" I spun around and went walking back into the chapel. I looked the nurse in the face and asked "is her name Emmie?" The nurse confirmed that it was. Again I asked "her name is Emmie?" The nurse looking at me in puzzlement said yes! "Emmie Smith?" I asked. The nurse still kind of looking at me like she didn't quite understand what was going on replied with a "YES!" I closed my eyes and almost began to cry. "She's my great granmother." I had been looking for her and my mom since I was three years old. The nurse looked at me in shock. She asked. "are you sure?" "One hundred percent positive." I replied. I walked the nurse and the elderly lady back to her room. I wanted to cry so bad as I walked in and saw baby pictures of me and my sisters sitting on the top of her dresser. Here I had thought that she had forgotten me. . . But she didn't. I sat with her as long as I could without being left behind by the church members and finally, reluctantly I left the nursing home. My great grandmother didn't recognize who I was. She thought that I was just part of the Church members that had come to spend time with her. She was an Alzhiemers patient. I was so upset seeing her like this. Somehow I knew at that moment my life was about to change.

Apparently a long lost Aunt of mine had come to visit with my great grandmother and the nurses explained to her that I had been there. They gave her my contact information and she called to see if she could come and visit with me and my sisters. Seeing that we had not seen her in ages and truthfully I didn't even remember who she was, I agreed as did my grandfather. So one morning my sisters Nicole and Mary and I all sat at the little gas station in town waiting for her to come see us. We met her for the first time since we were kids. None of us really remembered who she was. All we remembered is that she was our Mother's sister. She picked us all up and we went to spend the week at her house in Georgia. It was a very weird sensation for me. Spending the week with a family that I barely knew. I had never really had a "family" environment. I had always been very independent and done things by myself. This was a new experience for me. We were taken to six flags theme park for the first time. I remember the first roller coaster I ever rode was the Georgia Scorcher. I will never forget that. It was a lot of fun. . . and for the first time in my life I felt like I could relax. I felt like I didn't have to worry about making sure the bills in the house were paid or making sure that laundry was done or cooking dinner or anything else that children shouldn't worry about. All I had to worry about was spending time with my sisters and my cousins and having fun.

The night we arrived at my aunts house I remember coming in the front door and seeing my cousin asleep in the recliner. I ran over to him leapt into his lap and (while waking him up) I screamed "I missed you chubby" lol. For some reason he was the one person in this whole family that I had remembered. He was upset with me at first but then I saw a small smile come to the corner of his mouth. He grinned at me and said. . . "yeah yeah yeah... I missed you too! I guess" I remember in that moment finally feeling safe. I remember feeling like I belonged. It was only too good to be true and way short lived. We only stayed for a week.

Our aunt brought us back home and dropped us off. It wasnt but about a month or so later that she ended up fighting for custody of Mary and Nicole and winning. They were taken to Georgia to live. I remember missing them terribly and feeling alone and outcast. I didn't say anything and I enjoyed getting phonecalls from them whenever they could call. I even more enjoyed being able to visit them when I could as well. Life went on like this for the rest of the first part of school. It was February when they made their next trip down to see me. I asked them if they wouldn't mind going to see great grandma Smith. I missed her terribly and I really was wanting her to remember who I was. My aunt agreed to let us go and see her. So for the first time my sisters and I all went to see her (my aunt had gotten special permission to take my sister Crystal on a trip.) So Crystal, Nicole, Mary, and I all filed one by one into my great grandmothers room there at the nursing home. As I knealed down on the floor in front of her and tried desperately to tell her who I was I realized that she may not ever know. "I am AMANDA!" I would say this over and over again. It was only when she saw us girls together that she finally realized what I had been trying to tell her. She began to cry. The realization in her eyes and the pure joy in the facial expressions that she made let me know that I had done the right thing. I was happy. I think I was more happy at the fact that she was happy. We spent the day with her that day. Talking and catching up. I loved hearing her laugh more than anything. My heart melts every time I think about those few hours I had with her that day.

My joy however was very short lived. A week later she passed away. This time I understood completely what it meant. I was devistated. I went to her funeral and cried. I hated myself for not spending more time with her. More than anything I hated God for taking her away from me. I blamed God for taking everything that I loved. As I walked into the parlor of the funeral home a woman with big fluffy hair (resembling that of an afro) approached me standing there with my aunt and uncle. She asked my aunt. "is this cindi" (my aunts little girl) my aunt replied "no that's Amanda. Don't you even recognize your own baby girl when you see her?" I didn't really know what was going on except that this lady leaned down and looked at me and said "there's my baby girl." I SPLIT! I took off running so fast I don't even know if my uncle could have even caught me to bring me back if he wanted to. I ran into the chapel of the funeral home and straight to my grandmother (who had been there with me and my sisters through many foster homes as children.) I climbed into her lap and hugged her neck and wouldn't let go to save anyone's life. I stayed there until the funeral was over. I wouldn't budge. Finally I was headed out the door. I took off so fast that this lady didn't have time to see me again.
I remember going to the graveyard services and seeing the casket there. I remember seeing my biological mother there as well but I would not let her get anywhere near me. I was too afraid of her.

After her funeral I had decided that my life was going to change. No longer was I going to live with the abuse any more. I was tired of it. I was very scared of what would happen to me but in many ways I thought that if God was going to take everything away from me that I loved then why should I even try to be happy. And so as we sat in a back room at the reception after the funeral I confided in my sisters Mary and Nicole that I didn't want to live with my grandfather anymore. I told them to tell Uncle Mike when they got back to Georgia. I didn't want them to say anything while I was still with them because I was afraid that my grandfather would do something very bad. That afternoon I went back to my grandfathers house and cried. I was so upset. As I sat there crying I remember hearing a car pulling down the driveway. I was even more upset when I recognized the strange woman from the funeral sitting in the front seat. I begged him to let me hide but he wouldn't. He explained to me that she was my mother and that she was going to come and spend time with me. Reluctantly I agreed to this. After a while I lightened up and spent a few moments with her. I was especially nervous when I had been left alone with her and of course I went outside with my grandpa the first chance I got. Eventually she left and I again was alone. I went to my room where I spent the rest of the night trying to figure out what in the world had just happened. I remember sitting on my bed wondering if this whole scenario was a dream.

The next afternoon I recieved a phone call from my sister Nicole. My grandfather answered the phone and told me that my sister was on the phone to talk to me. When I answered it wasn't my sister but instead it was my aunt. She started talking to me and trying to figure out what was wrong. She asked me if I was ok. I told her no. She began to ask me questions and before I knew it I ended up telling her everything about my grandfather and his sexual abuse. She told me to not say anything and to just pack a bag for school and that she would meet me at school the next morning. So I did what she asked. I have never felt more scared in my life than I did as a ten year old little girl walking into that school building that morning not knowing what was going to happen to me. I felt like I was the one to blame. I quietly sat at my desk and didn't say a word until I saw my aunt standing in the doorway of the classroom. My heart leapt from my feet into my throat. THANK GOD! I thought I was going to have to do this alone.

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sorry it's taking so long to post more on here. I will post more later. Let me know if I should keep going. I don't want to bore people to death.

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It has been a long while since I have written and I thank all of you that are reading this for being so patient with me on it.

I have to think hard so that I can try and get my memories in order. There are lots of things in my life that I would like to touch on but I know that by doing that I would end up writing a book about my life through these threads.

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My Aunt motioned for the teacher to step outside of the classroom with her. They stayed out there for a few moments and then the teacher came back into the classroom and asked me to step into the supply closet with her so that we could talk. I reluctantly went in there and broke down and told her everything. Of course the Department of Family and Children's services was called. I was whisked away to what I believed to be the nurses office. My teacher had someone come and sit with her class. She accompanied me to the office with my aunt as we waited for the case worker to arrive. When she arrived I told her what had been happening. Detailed questions of the abuse followed and I told everything that I knew. I can't explain what burden was taken off my chest at that time. The relief of other people knowing what I had been through and having them there to comfort and support me was tremendously overwhelming. DFACS (Department of Family and Children's Services) took me from the school that day and placed me in a foster home. The family that I stayed with was Pentecostal. I was transported back and forth for some time to school until they finally switched me to a different school.

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While at this new school I made several new friends but something was still missing. I remember sitting in the floor of my foster home and crying wondering why God had abandoned me. I wondered what it was that I had done that was so wrong. Why was I being punished? I learned many valuable lessons from the Bradleys. I became close to them and their family. On May 18th of that year I was picked up from my foster parent's home by my aunt. She was there to take me home with her. (FINALLY)

As we drove back to Georgia I couldn't stop smiling. I wanted so bad to be with my sisters. When we arrived at the house I walked up to the front door where my Uncle had posted a sign that said "Sugar and Spice, Baby girls are so nice! Welcome Home Amanda Jo Whiddon Hill." I couldn't believe it. THIS IS WHERE I BELONG! was all that was running through my head! I couldn't stop smiling. I opened the door and my sisters flung their arms around me and I didn't want to let them go. My cousin Brandon got my bags from the car and brought them inside. We all sat there and did some "catching up."

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Finally it was bedtime. So many memories flood my mind when I think about going to live with my aunt and uncle. I wish I could say that they were all good. . . BUT in my life, all good things must come to an end and be followed by something bad and tragic.

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I have to go for now. I will write more later. I promise it won't be a long time like before!

Please let me know if you are reading this. Otherwise I won't bother!

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I just saw your post now, I've only been to the testimony page once before about 6 months ago. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope that you will share more if you'd like. I've read all of it.

You are a survivor and an inspiration!

Thanks. I don't feel like it sometimes but I think that If I can help change the life of another through telling my story, . . . Then I should tell it. I haven't had the chance to keep writing on this lately because I have been so busy with both my babies but I will try to write more later. Thank you for reading it.

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