When sharing a story of any kind of abuse, I think the first response from a Christian should be along the lines of "How is your healing going?" or "How is your heart?". Forgiveness is such a 'touchy' subject especially when it has to do with such deep and devastating abuse. I thin it is touchy only b/c it is so misunderstood. The world says 'forgive and forget' or that if you forgive someone, then it means that what that person did was ok or they are 'off the hook'. I don't believe it is what Jesus meant when he talked about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not so much for the other person, but for the forgiver. We give power to those that hurt us when we do not choose to forgive. And most cases, especially with abuse, the other person doesn't care that you are angry with them! It isn't hurting them one bit - but it is hurting you. You don't know quite how much unforgiveness is hurting you until you begin to forgive. Many times, people think forgiveness is a feeling. It is not, at least not at first. It begins with a choice. Below is the prayer I would pray whenever I feel like I need to forgive:
I choose to forgive ***name of abuser or person needing forgiveness*** of all the wrong he has done to me. I have cancelled the debt and I have turned it over to the Lord for His care. This is not according to my feelings, but according to my will. Praise God.
As mentioned a couple of times already, forgiveness for abuse is an ongoing process. It doesn't get 'all better' the moment you choose to forgive - it takes TIME and it takes choosing forgiveness regularly. I have found that over the years, I have to forgive my abusers less often, I feel less of that rage, anger, hurt, etc. I am a happier person because I chose to forgive - the forgiveness made my healing much deeper. I don't think I'd have the healing I have today if I hadn't made the choice to forgive. The forgiveness is about my healing - not about the other person not doing anything wrong. They sure did - but I'd rather God handle that revenge. I have my own life and future to look forward to - and I don't want to be a bitter woman doing it (unforgiveness turns into bitterness). I hope this helps give you a better understanding - at least my view on forgiveness.
I, too, was not allowed to be angry, therefore, when I felt that anger and rage, I did not know how to deal with it appropriately and in a healthy way. Anger is not wrong. God gets angry at times - angry with sin - and we are made in His image! He gave us those emotions for a reason. It took me a while to learn and understand that it is ok to be angry - it is what I do with that anger that matters. I cannot hurt other people or myself. I give it over to God. I tell Him I am angry - He can take it. But I also need to let it go when it is time - not hang onto it. I think that is what Jesus meant whenever He talked about anger - to not stay angry - to let it go in due time.
I am sorry that your mom didn't stand up and protect you. I am a mother of 3 children and I can't imagine not protecting them. Sometimes people are like that b/c of abuse in their own past. There is so much that has happened to our parents that we don't know about. It doesn't excuse your mom for not being there for you when you needed her. But it might help you to move on.
Jesus' death on the cross covers all sins - even not forgiving. If it didn't, then what He did would've been in vain. His death covers it all and He loves you so much. He doesn't want you to not come to Him because you are having a struggle with the idea of forgiveness. He just wants you to come to Him anyway. I hope that you will read the New Testament again, but with a different goal - to find what Jesus says about YOU - how much He loves you and wants to be with you. Pray that He will help you to open your heart to His love. To begin healing. Start there - don't get caught up on the issue of forgiveness - it is important for healing, but it can also hinder healing if it is focused on too much.