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  #1  
Old 6th November 2011, 10:18 PM
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Sad Devastated my husband left me

Hi, Im totally new to this site, but I'm completely lost at the moment. My husband left me almost three months ago. We had only been married for about 18 months. He just said that he didn't love me anymore and he was unhappy. I knew we had problems, but I didn't think that he would ever do that. I don't really understand what happened. And I don't know if he is seeing someone else. Although, if he isn't actually seeing her, then there is definitely a close connection that is inappropriate, and was there when we were together. We were both Christians when we were married. I always thought he was quite strong in his faith, but he has not been to church in a year and I'm no sure what he believes anymore. He is certainly hanging around the wrong people, however. I think that I still believe in God and Jesus, but I don't have any desire or motivation to read the bible or pray. I just don't understand how God would allow this to happen. I know that God doesn't like divorce, and I have prayed before to help restore our marriage, to no avail. I just don't know what to do anymore. My husband was my life. Yes, I depended on him too much, but now I am completely lost. I have lost my husband and our dreams and my home and practically my job. I am back living with my parents... I don't see any point in doing anything anymore, there is no point in life and nothing good will ever happen. All I've ever wanted was to be married and have a family, and now that will never happen. I just want to be back with my husband, and I don't think that will happen. And I can't imagine being with anyone else, and even if I could, I don't know if it is right to remarry, and what Christian would want to marry a divorcee? I just feel like my life is over. I just don't think I can get through this. I don't really know what the point is of me writing this, but if anyone has any advice, I would gladly take it.
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Old 6th November 2011, 11:32 PM
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Originally Posted by devastated View Post
Hi, Im totally new to this site, but I'm completely lost at the moment. My husband left me almost three months ago. We had only been married for about 18 months. He just said that he didn't love me anymore and he was unhappy. I knew we had problems, but I didn't think that he would ever do that. I don't really understand what happened. And I don't know if he is seeing someone else. Although, if he isn't actually seeing her, then there is definitely a close connection that is inappropriate, and was there when we were together. We were both Christians when we were married. I always thought he was quite strong in his faith, but he has not been to church in a year and I'm no sure what he believes anymore. He is certainly hanging around the wrong people, however. I think that I still believe in God and Jesus, but I don't have any desire or motivation to read the bible or pray. I just don't understand how God would allow this to happen. I know that God doesn't like divorce, and I have prayed before to help restore our marriage, to no avail. I just don't know what to do anymore. My husband was my life. Yes, I depended on him too much, but now I am completely lost. I have lost my husband and our dreams and my home and practically my job. I am back living with my parents... I don't see any point in doing anything anymore, there is no point in life and nothing good will ever happen. All I've ever wanted was to be married and have a family, and now that will never happen. I just want to be back with my husband, and I don't think that will happen. And I can't imagine being with anyone else, and even if I could, I don't know if it is right to remarry, and what Christian would want to marry a divorcee? I just feel like my life is over. I just don't think I can get through this. I don't really know what the point is of me writing this, but if anyone has any advice, I would gladly take it.
Im so sry I really feel for you. I understand how you feel. I went through a similar situation. My xhusband and I had a rocky relationship.He was my first love and my everything .We had a 4yr old daughter and I just found out I was pregnant with our son when he left us in the middle of the night. I was devasted. I tried to keep it together but eventually I lost my home and also had to move back in with my parents. When I was 3 months pregnant I found out he had moved in with another woman and she was pregnant by him as well. It was a really hard time. I was severlly depressed. I would go to church, cry and pray everyday for God to help me and restore my marriage to no avail. I could feel God's presence sometimes and other times I felt maybe he had abandened me or was punishing me.I kept praying , kept going to church and read the bible each and everyday. Eventually I started praying Lord your will be done. I became closer to God than I had ever been before...my faith was made whole in my weakness. I completely surrendered to him. I couldnt have made it through if I didnt. I learned alot through those trying times. I learned to rely on him and his love was complete, he would never abandon me like my husband did. As time went on I learned to stand on my own and worship God not a man. Where I always thought I need a man to validate me, I learned to be happy with myself. When I look back I realize I was not fufilled in my marriage. God had better plans for me. God loves you. He is patiently waiting knocking at the door of your heart. Draw closer to him, pray, let down your walls and give yourself to him completely. He can heal your broken heart. Im sry for your pain. Please dont give up> You can make it through this!!! Maybe God wants more for you than you want for yourself. I will keep you in my prayers . I would also recommend being around family and friends, surround yourself with ppl who love you. Try to make yourself get out of bed and do things you enjoy . Find out about yourself, Your passions and dreams. I hope this helps
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Old 7th November 2011, 10:53 PM
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I am so sorry. How devastating for you! What a lot for you to face.

A few things- First, if you can, if I were you I would look into some competent counseling/therapy. This is a HUGE life change for you. It's like a thousand deaths in so many ways. It can be so helpful to have a competent therapist sort through all the feelings with you, help you plan your next steps, get back on your feet, etc.

Second, I encourage you to just take one step at a time. I know exactly how your thinking goes into one long stream of "what if's" and worrying about divorce, remarrying, who would want me now, etc. But right now, try to take a step back from all those issues and just deal with the most pressing one: your husband leaving and all the emotions that come with that and the life changes that have come with that. These other things truly will fall into line as you deal with first things, first. It doesn't seem it, but they do.

Hang in there and I pray you find yourself surrounded with support, encouragement and love.
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Old 8th November 2011, 09:39 PM
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I just wanted to hop on here and let you know you're in my prayers too. I know you're really hurting right now and I can totally relate to all the doubts you're feeling. But, I'd just like to second all the great advice that's already been offered-cling to God, and bring your frustrations to Him. Remember that He sees us and wants us to come to Him as were are-no pretending required! He can take our questions and our doubts as longs as we continue to express them to Him. So, don't give up on prayer-it's what gets us through times like these!


Also, as the others shared, I think it would really be a great idea to look into some support groups or counseling in your area. It's amazing what a difference that can make when you're trying to find healing in your life. In fact, you might want to consider checking out a group like DivorceCare (it's for those that are facing separation or divorce). A lot of churches host them and I know others who have found a great deal of encouragement from them. And, I believe you can find information about them online. Additionally, there are organizations like Focus on the Family that offer free professional counseling over the phone at 1-855-771-HELP. So, you might also want to contact them and see if they have any other suggestions to offer you.


Well, don't give up hope, friend. There's a great verse I always think of when I'm feeling overwhelmed in my life. It's Psalm 40:1-2, "I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." I'll be praying that you see this happen in your life!
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Old 9th November 2011, 12:37 PM
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And I can't imagine being with anyone else, and even if I could, I don't know if it is right to remarry, and what Christian would want to marry a divorcee? I just feel like my life is over. I just don't think I can get through this. I don't really know what the point is of me writing this, but if anyone has any advice, I would gladly take it.
First, I'm sorry you have to experience this. It's a horrible feeling. It's devastating and can really suck the life out of you if you let it.

You should look into counseling before this really takes over your life. If you have a church, talk to your pastor. If not, look up support groups in your area.

Just a little encouragement - I didn't think I could find someone who would want a single father with two kids who lived with his mother. I did and I'm nothing special. You will find someone who will love you and stick with you, but you are not ready yet. Focus on moving past this first. Clearly this wasn't the guy for you.
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Old 9th November 2011, 08:33 PM
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Thank you everyone for your responses and support. It is greatly appreciated. mayasmom, it is good to hear that you have become closer to God. It is really an inspiration I really want that to happen to me. I really want to rely on God and only God, and to see that I have value for being me. I feel like such a horrible failure at the moment, and wonder what I have done so wrong for someone to leave me. I don't know if I will become closer to God. He just feels so far away at the moment.

I have been seeing a wonderful Christian counsellor. She has told me that I can use this opportunity to become a stronger person who doesn't rely on other people. And to become closer to God. It is just very hard when everything has fallen apart around you. And I have always been so afraid of everything and done my best for everything to work out so that I wouldn't fail at anything. And now I can't believe that this has happened to me! I'm sure that everyone thinks that... But it is still true. It is hard to take any small step forward when everything is a mess.

Can I ask, when you pray to God and tell him of your frustrations and hurt, do you feel anything afterwards? I mostly don't feel anything. I am afraid that I don't pray properly or that God doesn't hear me. I am afraid that because I don't feel any sense of relief or closeness to God that I am doing something wrong, or he doesn't love me, or even worse that God doesn't exist. Do other people have doubts like this?

Cute Tink, you say that clearly he wasn't the guy for me. But what if he was? What if I just srewed it up by not being a very good wife? I have been told my many people that this wasn't my fault as ultimately it was his choice to leave. But I know that I wasn't as good a wife as I should have been. And perhaps if I had been more loving, more accepting and less selfish and controlling, then he wouldn't have left. And I am confused at the moment as to whether there really is such a thing as 'soul mates'. Maybe God just tries to guide us in our choosing and we have to stick it out and work at marriages. And I am also confused about why God would allow this to happen, you know the interaction of God's will and our free will. How do I really know what he wants me to do, and where he wants me to go. What if he really wanted me in that marriage, and I screwed it up? And if I was never supposed to be in that marriage, then why did he allow us to be married in the first place? I know that these are quite big questions, and I will probably never know the answer. Or at least not until I die and go to heaven (and maybe then I won't care to find out the answer).

But, thank you everyone for your support and prayers. Yesterday I was in town and was stopped by someone on the street who was asking people for money to support the Cancer Council. He asked how I was and I ended up crying and blurting out that my husband had left me. But he was very nice and hugged me. So that was encouraging. It is nice how sometimes strangers can brighten your day for a little bit. Even if it is only for a minute.
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Old 9th November 2011, 09:57 PM
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you poor thing.

I don't feel better when I pray either.. but God isn;t a magic Genie that makes it all go away.
You are in a bad place.. and you will need to walk out. Ask Him to guide you out, just like he did the Israelites in the Desert.

I made changes in my life, and I have been trying hard to remind myself that God DOES have a plan, and that He works ALL THINGS for the good of those who love Him.
(seriously, I have one particular story to tell about that, How God uses the bad things for our good.)

Its good that you are seeing a Christian Councillor, but blaming yourself isn't going to change anything.

I kindof do believe in the soulmate thing.. I think, I just think I wasn't listening when I married this woman who was unfaithful and unloving.
I hope I meet the right lady for me..

*hugehug*
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Old 10th November 2011, 09:08 AM
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Hi devastated....I'm Hope. As I read you post my heart went out to you. Those early days are so very painful and all the feelings and thoughts you have are very common for someone going through divorce. I remember what a total failure I felt when my husband left and how the ground underneath me just seemed to fall away....my whole world seemed to fall apart!! It sounds like you are experiencing very similar feelings.
There were a few key things I did during that time that I believe made all the difference for my recovery and today I am much closer to God, much more sure of who I am, and believe it or not much happier than I was before. Maybe they can help you too.
Firstly run to Jesus. Keep talking to him and asking him to help you. He absolutely loves you!!! Even when it doesn't feel like he hears or answers, he is there, he is listening and he is crying with you. I remember when I realised that God was also rejected by my husband leaving. That when he rejected me he was also rejecting God... wow....God really understands the pain of rejection.
God knows your heart. THere is no 'right' way to pray. Just cry out to him. Tell him how you are feeling and just ask him to be with you and help you to trust him even when it's hard. I love the man who came to Jesus and when Jesus told him to believe he answered "Lord I believe, help my unbelief", and Jesus responded to him. I love that and would often pray like that. Lord I trust you , help my distrust etc. He knows our weaknesses and understands. I didn't always feel him but I just trusted him. And yes, there were many times I wondered."Do you really exist?" but in my heart I knew he did and I just kept calling out to him and he has been faithful to help me heal and grow.
I'm glad you have a counsellor because that is another thing that can really help.
I also agree with the suggestion to go to a DivorceCare group. Look it up on the net and hopefully you'll find one near you. If it's a little way to travel it will be worth the effort. It is a great course to help you heal through the pain and grief of divorce and it a great Christian resource.

As for why he allowed it, there is no easy answer to that other than the fact that each of us has our own free will and there are many things in this fallen world that are not God's will. Until we reach heaven that will always be. The world is in living in the consequences of sin and we experience the result of that. Bad things happen because the world is decayed by sin. Bad and good happen to all of us however as Christians we don't have to go through it alone. God is with us. He has also promised that he will work all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purposes. That's us. And that means that bad things will happen (if only good things happened to us then the verse wouldn't be needed because good things are already good...hope you get my logic) but he has promised to turn them to good. What the devil means for evil God will turn for good. WOW how amazing!!

Just put your whole self, pain, doubt, disappointment, anger, everything at God's feet. He loves you just as you are and he loves you too much to leave you that way. He is faithful. he does love you and he will heal you.

There is so much more for you that you can't even see yet. My personal testimony is that there is healing, I have experienced it and so have many others here. And you can too. Feel free to PM if you want to talk at any time.
You are precious to God, valuable, loved and adored by him. You are his precious daughter and he has good plans for you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

Bless you heaps

Hope
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Old 10th November 2011, 11:30 AM
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Cute Tink, you say that clearly he wasn't the guy for me. But what if he was? What if I just srewed it up by not being a very good wife? I have been told my many people that this wasn't my fault as ultimately it was his choice to leave. But I know that I wasn't as good a wife as I should have been. And perhaps if I had been more loving, more accepting and less selfish and controlling, then he wouldn't have left. And I am confused at the moment as to whether there really is such a thing as 'soul mates'. Maybe God just tries to guide us in our choosing and we have to stick it out and work at marriages. And I am also confused about why God would allow this to happen, you know the interaction of God's will and our free will. How do I really know what he wants me to do, and where he wants me to go. What if he really wanted me in that marriage, and I screwed it up? And if I was never supposed to be in that marriage, then why did he allow us to be married in the first place? I know that these are quite big questions, and I will probably never know the answer. Or at least not until I die and go to heaven (and maybe then I won't care to find out the answer).
Because not being a good wife isn't an excuse for not wanting to work with you on the marriage and just leaving. Plus, you suggest he is seeing someone else and they had an inappropriate relationship before. Those aren't the actions of someone who is dedicated to you and your marriage. I do think it is positive that you are looking at yourself and not just blaming your ex to see what you could have done better, but what I see is a husband not fighting for your marriage. Maybe I'm viewing it a bit from my own prism of seeing how my ex dealt with things in our marriage when we split, but I don't think I'm wrong about saying that he clearly isn't the guy for you, because he left and you haven't written anything about him wanting marriage counseling or telling you what was wrong and asking to work through things. The right guy won't up and leave without trying to work things out.

It seems, though, like you are wondering why God isn't micro-managing your life. That's not my understanding how he is supposed to work. If he were going to be popping in and stopping all bad decisions, I don't know that you could really say anyone had free will. Not really my area of expertise and I mean no offense, but that's how I see things.

Edit to add: perhaps your God allowed your marriage to go forward because your priorities in a life partner were not where they should have been and now you will be more open to a better guy who is worthy to spend your life with you.
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Last edited by Cute Tink; 10th November 2011 at 01:41 PM.
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Old 13th November 2011, 06:36 AM
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devastated has a reputation beyond reputedevastated has a reputation beyond reputedevastated has a reputation beyond reputedevastated has a reputation beyond reputedevastated has a reputation beyond reputedevastated has a reputation beyond reputedevastated has a reputation beyond reputedevastated has a reputation beyond reputedevastated has a reputation beyond reputedevastated has a reputation beyond reputedevastated has a reputation beyond reputedevastated has a reputation beyond reputedevastated has a reputation beyond reputedevastated has a reputation beyond reputedevastated has a reputation beyond repute
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Hi again everyone. Thank you to everyone who has posted responses! I really appreciate. It is very nice to know that other people out there care enough to read what I'm writing, and even more they care enough to respond. I'm having a bit of a bad day. Just been around people who complain about little things and don't appreciate what they have. Don't get me wrong, I know I complain about things too, but when things are really bad in my life it annoys me when others don't appreciate what they have![/font]
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[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']I do believe that God works all things for the good of those who love him... its just really hard when things are really bad. I know that I can potentially become stronger through this. I just wish this wouldn't have happened. I even wish that I hadn't met him at all sometimes (and I know that sounds really bad and mean) - even though I still love him so very much. I'm probably sounding like a broken record now... my counsellor has commented that sometimes even though other people tell me things (like its not all my fault), I don't really listen and just take the negative side. Unfortunately, thats how I've always been. Another thing for me to work on...[/font]
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[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']But a good thing is that I have been thinking more about God lately... and been thinking more about reading the bible and praying. (although I haven't picked up the bible yet ). Part of my excuse is the extreme tiredness from new antidepressants... but mostly its laziness. But I think I may read some before I go to bed... I want to be on the track that God wants me to be on. I don't know what that is, but I want to be there. Although, I also assume that that track will be less painful than where I am now, and I guess that isn't necessarily the case. But I at least want to believe that I'm not entirely alone. [/font]
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[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Cute Tink - I don't really know how much he fought for our marriage anymore. I know that he did try. He did bring up things that I had done wrong and we tried to work it out. I also tried to bring up things I wasn't happy with - although I wasn't as good at expressing myself. I think that we both weren't very good at changing or becoming better. At the end I know that he was too close to another girl, and I told him I thought it was inappropriate. I know that he was depressed and was losing weight. And in the end he just walked out. And he didn't want to see a counsellor because he didn't want to talk to a stranger (although he was fine with telling this girl all about us - which I see as another betrayal). And I think that somewhere he believes that what he has done is wrong as he has lied to other people (told them he wants to work it out), and he has lied to me about stuff also (in relation to the girl - although I still don't know the truth). I just think he is lost, and has dramatically changed, and I don't really know why. When we were married just 9 months he told me that he didn't think he loved me anymore. And he never really explained why - just that he was confused. Who does that? Surely you should still love your partner when your married such a short time! Its all so confusing and whenever I ask he doesn't want to talk about it. He thinks its all in the past and we are through talking about 'us'. And that really hurts. I don't think I will ever know the truth. [/font]
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[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']I think I have talked way too much. Anyway, thanks to all those who listen![/font]
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