Moving on from the past, and not letting it affect the future relationship
The running theme in my past love life has been paying for the mistakes others have made. I get compared to their x, and I hear about their x did this or that, and I'm supposed to outlive that, supposed to some how make up for it, and I get scrutinized over what they encountered with someone entirely different.
Before we can embrace the future with a clean slate, we have to let go of the past, and too often we "think" we are over it, only to find something triggers a response that's entirely on it's own, illogical and not merited. I'm also finding the concept of forgiveness and forgetting, doesn't hold much weight to too many people, especially the gals I've been involved with. Us guys, it's over, and we move on, not to bring up what ever past there was again, not in a dissagreement, nor do we expect to be apologized to, over and over again. Once it's done, it's done, we are supposed to move on.
Where it screws us up at, we tend to internalize why things went wrong, even though we know logically, it's not our fault, in failure of any kind, we tend to want to have a clear answer, something we can resolve and learn from logically and clearly, and we absolutely loath grey areas. We tend to commit all of our hearts into a relationship, and leave nothing back, yet in the back of our significant others minds, it seems we are on a 24/7 test, and any iota of failure will be magnified and focused upon, while the good things being done are forgotten and ignored.
I know myself well enough to realize, the gal I am supposed to be with has to be receptive emotionally. The world tends to make people to be just the opposite, so there is a clear clash between the two. Sure, in the back of my mind, I have some hopes, but I no longer have this stupid long list of what my ideal would be outside of some pretty basic things, which shouldn't be hard to find, sadly, I'm finding they very much are.
The dynamic of how we are built, emotionally and physically, these days, too often, are blurred, and a huge part of it is the traditions we have tossed away along each others rolls. In the traditional setting, the man would labor in the field, or work in the factory, while the wife managed the household. There wasn't an issue along money, it was not a bone of contention for arguing about. Two things that have changed. First, the men were not raised to be men, but merely boy's that were in mens bodies., They were not shown how to be responsible, but were shown that accumulation of things was the priority, not the investment in your children or spouse. There were no competing incomes and shared chores, we had our own things that we were responsible for, the men's mainly around the house, fixing things, repairing, building, etc. While the women had their own, and the two were seperate. I have my own personal standards along how to do things, so do they, and as they say, too many cooks in the kitchen will spoil the meal.
We have our own unique tastes and styles, but in an relationship, one is always going to have to find that middle ground. What I find in my past, they would not have anything to do with that, it was their way all the way or forget it, and I was in big trouble if I didn't comply.
Moving on from there, still to this day, I can't understand how someone can go from being all sweet and nice one day, to a hellish terror the next., Sometimes even that same day, going back and forth between them all, all day long., And I'm expected to keep up with the roller coaster. Guys typically are the same way, all day, every day, we rarely just switch gears like that. And to be honest, in my opinion, it's about maturity and coping skills that are needed more then anything else. Yes, our bodies will affect our mood, but we aren't supposed to be subject to the flesh like that, where it dictates and mandates how we feel, entirely based upon that.
I'm in a pretty psynical stage at this time, where I expect to be lied to, then after I find out who they "really" are, I expect to be turned on, and left out coldly. This last one, I thought had it together, her so called advanced studies in theology were impressive, I thought this one surely had at least the basics down....yet in the end, this was the absolute most worldly person I've ever encountered in my entire life, and have experienced some extremely brutal treatment by her. That love of money thing being one of them, the other, love of power and control being another, and I'm going, how can you study all that you do, and still stomp on some very simple and basic things. Then to be told I have to complete this or that task, or the relationship is over, and then being told that it was done well enough, quickly enough, or I didn't perform 7 other tasks simotaneously, some of which I never even knew were on the quo.
I'm going, this was an absolutely impossible relationship to begin with, and going back to tradition, in courting, you are supposed to get to know your potential spous's family and friends. I didn't do that, and in the end, her family were the ones that were behind me, knowing this gal has a lot of issues, and it's only natural it ended. I'm going, next time, I seek out someone new, I'm going to know them, their family, their friends, before absolutely anything happens. I'm also going to seek out their x's, to see what specifically I'm getting into, "just like an employment screening", entirely because I'm tired of getting put into impossible situations.
Here me out, I'll be banned soon enough!