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  #1  
Unread 25th August 2011, 12:35 AM
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"Girl."

That word pretty much says it all. I've just had a spat with my mother (it's well known around here that I don't exactly get along with her) because she commented on one of my Facebook photos, a picture of me alone, "happy girl." One would think that at 47 I have earned the right by now to be called a woman. Behind this is the fact that if left unchecked, she will:

1. Hold my hand when we cross the street.
2. Supervise my choices if we are grocery shopping together.
3. Rearrange my home without my permission. (Making suggestions is one thing, coming in and doing it behind my back is quite another.)
4. Tell me what clothes to wear.

Etc.

So "girl" was the straw that broke the camel's back. She apologized after I took offense, but as is typical for her, she can never apologize without criticizing me in return, suggesting that nobody else would have been offended. (Which, of course, makes it me being hypersensitive, not her being belittling.) By the way, I checked with Mike, and he says he hasn't been called a "boy" since he actually was one. I've just spent several days on vacation with his mother, and I know she doesn't still try to run his life.

Your thoughts please?
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  #2  
Unread 25th August 2011, 01:33 AM
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Well, I wouldn't normally say that that would be something to get so upset about but you say you have a history of problems? Are you sure she wasn't just being sort of nostalgic & happy that you're so happy? I don't know her so I dunno.
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  #3  
Unread 25th August 2011, 01:54 AM
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If it weren't for all the other evidence that she doesn't consider me a competent adult woman, I probably wouldn't have objected so strongly. Nostalgia or not, I am no longer a "girl" and haven't been for some time.

Honestly, it's offended me almost since the day I turned 18, and you'd think a mother would know something like that by now. The fact that she continues to call me "girl" shows me that not only does she not acknowledge my adulthood, but she also doesn't give belly button lint for how I feel about it. As stated, even in her apology she had to criticize me along with it. She stated that she herself would not object to being called a girl, and she doesn't think my late grandmother would have either. My late grandmother once hit the ceiling because when she answered the phone at the business she and my grandfather jointly owned, the customer took her for a secretary and immediately asked to talk to Mr. S---. When my grandfather refused to turn the job down on the grounds that the customer had insulted her, she threatened divorce. But no, being called a girl instead of a grown woman wouldn't have bothered her?

Yet I do know that there are women in their 40's and 50's who say, "Oh, please, let me still be a girl." Are there other women here like me, who object to it? Men, do you ever get called a boy? If you were, would it offend you?
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  #4  
Unread 25th August 2011, 04:43 AM
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You will always be her child. Maybe giving her some latitude in this would be wise.
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  #5  
Unread 25th August 2011, 05:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Autumnleaf View Post
You will always be her child. Maybe giving her some latitude in this would be wise.
You're not incorrect, and many people feel the same way. I wouldn't treat my grown daughters like that (using juvenile terms to describe them, or trying to make life decisions for them) and they are 27 and 25. But then, not everyone does as I do.
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  #6  
Unread 25th August 2011, 07:13 AM
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Lovebirdsflying - you have a history that makes some things different from me, and yes, I agree your mother should (assuming you've been clear) have known not to say that. You also asked if I would be offended if someone called me a boy. Unless the context was clear it was meant to be insulting, then no, I would not. Maybe it's a regional thing again, but it is not uncommon for people raised around here to use "boy" and "girl" for anyone - particularly younger. (Even the 70 year old lady referencing her 55 year old doctor as a boy or girl).

Professionally I travel with work a lot around the country. Outside aquantances I know here locally, I would never use "boy" or "girl" because I realize our area is not universal.

My 10 year old son, however, is wanting to be called "big man" right now, which makes me laugh.
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  #7  
Unread 25th August 2011, 07:31 AM
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Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying View Post
That word pretty much says it all. I've just had a spat with my mother (it's well known around here that I don't exactly get along with her) because she commented on one of my Facebook photos, a picture of me alone, "happy girl." One would think that at 47 I have earned the right by now to be called a woman. Behind this is the fact that if left unchecked, she will:

1. Hold my hand when we cross the street.
2. Supervise my choices if we are grocery shopping together.
3. Rearrange my home without my permission. (Making suggestions is one thing, coming in and doing it behind my back is quite another.)
4. Tell me what clothes to wear.

Etc.

So "girl" was the straw that broke the camel's back. She apologized after I took offense, but as is typical for her, she can never apologize without criticizing me in return, suggesting that nobody else would have been offended. (Which, of course, makes it me being hypersensitive, not her being belittling.) By the way, I checked with Mike, and he says he hasn't been called a "boy" since he actually was one. I've just spent several days on vacation with his mother, and I know she doesn't still try to run his life.

Your thoughts please?
I lost my parents in a car accident about 9 years ago. I would love to have my mom hold my hand when I cross the street. I would love to have her make silly comments on face book. I would love to have my parents call me "girl." My parents would never see my son. When I was pregnant with him I didn't have a mom to turn too. Be happy and blessed that you still have your mom.
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  #8  
Unread 25th August 2011, 07:37 AM
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My mom still refers to me as her "girl". My grandmother refers to Mom that way too.

I can see why some of the other things might be upsetting, but I'm not getting the "girl" thing.
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  #9  
Unread 25th August 2011, 08:02 AM
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I went through years of verbal abuse from my Dad. He thought it was his job to tell me how to act, how to live and what I'm doing wrong every moment I was near him and all his life.
He made up reasons to insult me. That brought much unhappiness to my life all the years I was around him and I remained as far from him as possible.
Manipulation was his favorite tool.
He would say "be a man... bla bla blah" if we disagreed on things. He as always insulting.
His last words to me before he passed were complaining that I only came to see him because he was dying. Years of trying to change him and get along better were ineffective. I had been taking the man to Doctors just before he passed so his final comment had no logic behind it.


Some people just don't think much about the meaning of words which wasn't my Dads problem.
My Dad was a bully growing up. Mom would just toss comments around with no thought to them which were offensive to people at times.

Forgiveness is hard but continuing to put up with insulting people is even harder.
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  #10  
Unread 25th August 2011, 08:14 AM
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Roseread, if I'd had a decent mother like yours apparently was, I might be.

Waris, thank you for that. I have often been told to be glad I still have my mother, but I don't understand why, just because someone else had good parents and lost them, I must be glad to have a woman in my life who constantly belittles and even abuses me. "Girl" doesn't begin to scratch the surface. I'm talking about the entire gamut, from slaps in the face to sitting back and letting the numerous men in her life (almost all of them alcoholics) sexually molest me. I'm supposed to be glad for that?

It is my therapist who suggests I should have very little contact with her. In his words, "Even when she thinks she's building you up, she's tearing you down." Anyone who treats me like I'm incompetent is not welcome in my life, even if half my DNA comes from her.
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Last edited by LovebirdsFlying; 25th August 2011 at 08:22 AM.
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