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  #1  
Unread 11th August 2011, 08:45 PM
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Question Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit - OCD &/or reality

Hi,

This post may be long and complicated *just a forewarning*

I have severe ocd and have struggled for years with blasphemous intrusive thoughts. There are some of you who go through this and know what all this entails so I will spare all the details of that in general.

I believe I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit out of anger a number of times. OCD may be intertwined in all this. Right now I am having trouble understanding this jumbled mess of where OCD begins and ends and where I begin and end.

I am just going to put some details of some events so I can make it clearer.

I do photography and have been told I am talented at it. I have felt guilty about doing photography because the Scripture in Deuteronomy talks about not making graven images of anything in Heaven above or the earth below. In light of this, I feel in my heart like my photography is a sin. Also, I have wanted to get highlights in my hair but have felt guilty that I am not accepting the way God made me and therefore am going against God's way for doing that.

Anyway, one night, I was considering the possibility of becoming Amish to solve some of these problems. I was thinking I could give away whatever money and worldly possessions I have to people in grave need (something Jesus wants us to do) and move into an Amish community and live there. Because they take the Scripture in Deuteronomy 'no graven images' seriously and for the discouragement of vanity they do not allow photography. There goes the photography problem. In an Amish community I would not be worrying about sinning against God by promoting and perpetuating deceit and vanity in altering my hair color or wearing cosmetics. I don’t want to live an Amish life; (not that there is anything wrong with it; I respect these people highly because in many ways they seem to really value what God values, and seem to be all about God –even when it’s hard, not popular or counter cultural. Even though I do not agree with everything they do.) …However, I have dreams of winning people over for Christ through use of my talents and in my own natural unique way. I also like to see myself look a certain way physically (which involves makeup and highlights). The night I was thinking about becoming Amish, I started feeling really convicted that I need to give up all these things (that society relates to and feels is normal / common / popular). In thinking about giving all this up to live (similar at least) to an Amish person, and feeling like God was calling me to give all this up I got really angry. I felt a deep heartfelt blast of anger toward God for convicting me about this and at that same I felt the phrase F-you toward God come out of my heart. As it was coming out I tried to stop it because I knew it was wrong. I thought about how it’s the Holy Spirit who convicts us of sin, and feel like I have committed blasphemy of the Holy Spirit in my heart.

There have been a number of times where I want to do something, (not something inherently sinful) it could be something like checking my email or eating a bagel. And then an idea will pop into my head to fast from it for someone else’s salvation, state before God or well being. Sometimes I get urges to refrain or fast from something I want to do for no definable reason. Sometimes I make compulsive vows in my heart, to fast from something desirable. There are things I end up not doing, or delay a long time in doing because each time I go to do the thing after my fast from it is over I get another idea of someone that I could fast for by denying myself of that thing for another day. I feel like I fast A LOT. I have told God I am fasting from fasting! But then eventually some other reason comes up for me to fast from something, and I am back denying myself. The Scripture enters my mind of I believe it was Anna who spent every day in the temple fasting. And I wonder if this is God calling me to be like this, and also deny my very core ideas and intentions of how I want to live out my life for Christ, to embrace a calling of total radical self-denial and sacrifice of who I am and my dreams. Which would be most obviously a higher way, but one that would cause me much pain, and deep sadness. (Sorry, but I feel this way.)

Of course I don’t want to reject the Holy Spirit but sometimes when being prompted to deny myself of something I want I become frustrated and embittered. I know that is wrong. I don’t want to call the Holy Spirit’s prompting on my heart OCD! At the same time, I know I have a severe form of OCD. Though some things I can outright name as OCD (like random intrusive thoughts), some things are not so clear. Sometimes when I feel convicted that I need to fast from something (for a spiritual reason or otherwise) I have had a blast of anger toward God and f-you has come out of my heart. I hate that I do this. I don’t like the fact that I get angry at God, that makes me sad and recoil inside, but it is so much worse when f-you comes out with the anger in a heated heart blast. It feels like I can’t control it like it is coming out at the same time / with the anger. I know I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit and I have done it in anger. I am not sure whether or not it is OCD that is convicting me to do things or God, but it’s wrong to direct anger like that at God regardless. I feel like I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit in anger on multiple occasions. I wish this were not so.

I also feel like when I feel anger toward the Holy Spirit & God about being prompted to deny myself of something, or in those instances where I have said f-you in a blast of hot anger then I can no longer have whatever that thing is that I desired. Because in my mind and heart doing so would be like saying the anger and blasphemy toward God is okay, and it’s not. I thought about highlighting my hair anyway because it was not a full f-you that came out, but I would still be going against the way God has made me – which is denying Him / His way. And also because I had such an angry feeling in my heart toward His Spirit and because that cursing started to come out I feel like the moment I would do it I would lose my salvation. Part of me feels like well I am probably going to Hell anyway, but another part of me feels like well maybe there is still a chance if I don’t add insult (to injury & insult) by doing this. I feel ashamed that I still even desire to get them.

I know some people say that blasphemy against the Holy Spirit means continually rejecting Him, but JESUS said that anyone who speaks a WORD against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven in this age or the age to come; that they are guilty of an eternal sin. God may overlook a blasphemy because of an uncontrollable intrusive thought, but saying f-you toward His Holy Spirit in anger because of feeling convicted to change or deny myself of something is another thing entirely. I feel condemned. I am not looking for anyone to say warm fuzzy things toward me or assure me of God’s forgiveness if the reality is I am not forgiven and will not ever be forgiven. But if anyone has insight on anything I wrote, I would appreciate it.

Thanks.

Last edited by flowerforever7; 12th August 2011 at 11:10 PM.
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  #2  
Unread 11th August 2011, 09:54 PM
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Well, I never know about that verse. Paul, formerly Saul was a pharisee, and the pharisees committed that sin (or a lot did I think). I sometimes think that Saul may have done that because he was a pharisee and spoke out against Jesus for a while, yet he was saved and used by God. I think that verse is everybody's least favorite verse, and it is difficult to understand.
Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit
The story on this site makes me wonder. How could a person be brought back to repentance if they had purposefully spoken against the Holy Spirit? I think that sin must have been something that could only happen in that time period. Getting angry at the Holy Spirit does not qualify as that anyway, or at least I think it doesn't.
My advice would be to stay as far away as possible from that verse. The more you read it the more you will freak yourself out, and the worse the thoughts will get.
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  #3  
Unread 12th August 2011, 02:38 PM
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Honey, sitting here reading your post you sound exactly like me...th intrusve thoughts are terrible and they seem even worse when you get angry. Sometimes I will get angry or anxious because i am in a hurry to go somewhere and I cant find my car keys or if my sister makes me mad and thats like an open door for my OCD. It makes me so frustrated because I feel like I cant get mad like a normal person. I literally have to brace myself to start fighting bad thoughts when I get angry or frustrated. I know is tough honey, but believe me...YOU ARE NOT CONDEMNED. I believe that anyone who outright seeks GOD and needs him will find him. He would never leave any of his children. It just doesnt even make since to me. GOD loves us with an unconditional love that will never go away. OCD is exactly what is is...OCD, a mental illness that is out of your control. What I am worried about is the fact that you have let this make you feel like you are unworthy of forgivness and are doomed to hell...you are not!!! To me that verse tells me that completely "REJECTING", that means denying completely...ex: turning away and not caring...that is what I believe that verse means, and my step dad (whose a pastor) told me the same thing. Do you honestly believe in your heart that God will leave you??? I think not Also about the highlights in your hair, I kind of smiled when I read that but anywho they are just highlights and its just hair, actually I just put a semi-permanent jet black color rinse in my hair and it looked great!!! Go ahead and get your highlights also about your photography im sure there are many many photographers who are christians and its also a hobby, what I believe we all as christians have to learn with hobbies is not making it the most important part of your life and making sure good things are coming out of it. (we all have to work at those things) but one of my hobbies is acting, Im an actress thats one of my talents and I love it!! but I do believe if I became a well known actress that there are certain roles that I probably wouldnt take (my morals), you get me...You just have to try and use it for good things ya know, but just remember keep your faith and dont let this illness have complete control over your life, you are stronger than you think, and you shouldnt be miserable...what kind of life is that?? Love ya and God Bless!!

Last edited by babegirl111; 12th August 2011 at 02:47 PM.
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Unread 12th August 2011, 03:23 PM
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Christ

Babegirl!! I thought I was the only one "who couldn't get mad like the normal person" YOU ARE NOT ALONE. The same exact thing happens to me. In fact, I am afraid to get angry, aggravated, or frustrated. I have struggled with the unpardonable sin and blasphemous thoughts for years. They come when I try to serve the Lord with all my heart. Wow, I could write a novel on my experiences.
In fact, I have gotten to point where I am almost afraid to hear any preaching about certain subjects, b/c I know the thoughts will come. I feel resentment towards God sometimes, and I shouldn't b/c of that verse. Well I can go on and on. But I always have peace when i read John 6:37 and 1 John 1:9.
I wish this problem on no one. Hang in there babegirl!

Hang in there flowerforever! We are not alone! Jesus is Lord and we will get through this.

By any chance do you often feel God's love and then you start having thoughts and feel as though it's you rebelling against God and then you have a half a day or so doubting your salvation?

Well be blessed! And may the Lord give you peace!
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Unread 13th August 2011, 11:11 PM
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If you explain it more in dept I can probably answer your question. Ocd is very confusing so I know what your asking may be very hard to explain
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Unread 14th August 2011, 02:25 AM
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Last edited by canamer; 21st February 2012 at 08:00 PM.
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