| Ethics & Morality A forum for the discussion and debate of ethics & morality open to all members. |
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31st May 2012, 03:08 AM
|  | On my Christian 'L' plates!
  
| | Join Date: 22nd May 2012 Location: Melbourne, Australia
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Reps: 10 (power: 0) | | Originally Posted by garydoc  I had a similar experience. My first wife, raised in the church, and I got married. She refused on the wedding night. Then came out of the bathroom naked and laid in the bed and spread her legs to get "it" over with. That was my first experience with sex in my life and it was bad. After that she continually refused sex, but "gave it: to me every few weeks as "I was a man and had to have it"., Most of the time she slapped my hand when I touched her in bed. She would continually refuse and start fights to avoid sex. She said "if you act like that, how do you expect me to "give it to you"? One day we had sex in the AM, She came out naked and we made love (I thought) on the couch. Then she said she was leaving and that was my goodbye "gift". She had her bags packed, took a shower and drove off. I have not seen her sense. After trying to reconcile for a year, no conversations were made. I went to a lawyer and filed for divorce for abandonment. She refused counseling, refused reconciliation. I should have taken her back to her mother's when she refused sex on the wedding night. What I did was right.
Hi Gary,
I don't mean to be intrusive but now that I've heard your side of the story, I wonder what her side is?
What I got from your story is that perhaps this girl had some issues. Or perhaps you two didn't have good communication.
The warning bit was the part where she laid herself for you on after the wedding night - it points to something far more sinister or problematic than just her attitude towards the marriage and you.
How did you guys meet? Did you two not get to know each other (not carnally, but as friends, etc) first before marriage, before you decided you wanted to marry each other?
I think its a bit drastic to say that you should have 'taken her back to her mother's house' that wedding night.
I'm not sure about other women's experiences but for a woman, or a virgin (if she was at the time) the idea of sex can be quite daunting. Yes, even towards her husband. By daunting I mean frightening.
By her response on the wedding night it could have been any number of issues.
Maybe she was scared? Maybe she had sexual issues arising from childhood (abuse? assault? Attempted? Rape? etc) which you were not aware of and was too painful for her to tell you?
Perhaps she was raised in an unconventionally conservative or fundamentalist household where sex was considered "dirty" hence her attitude of not being able to see sex as something good one shares with a husband?
There are many reasons. I'm not saying its your fault. But then it might not be completely her fault for the way she acted as well, there were legitimate reasons behind them that unfortunately was not resolved by both parties in marriage.
But then, the past is now the past. What you gather from it matters more. Is it negative or positive? If negative, it will not help you in your next marriage or life.
If positive, perhaps bear in mind that communication is very important.
Counselling at the last minute when a marriage is on the rocks might be too little, too late, so constant honest, positive and open communication between man and wife is very important.
Again I apologise if I have inferred something I might not intend to put out, and I wish you the best and hope you do not see a past experience as a "bad" but as something perhaps you went through to get to a better place or a place God intended you to be in.   |
31st May 2012, 07:56 AM
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What happened to me was 43 years ago. I will not try to justify myself or defend myself. Attempts at counseling were made as early as possible, which were refused by her, and her mother sat in in with her. Yes, there were many issues. When she refused on the wedding night I was kind and did not lose my temper or cause a scene. The next morning was when she felt obligated to "let me have it".
Of course this is my point of view. I was a young honest Christian virgin. |
1st June 2012, 01:56 AM
| | On my Christian 'L' plates!
| | Join Date: 22nd May 2012 Location: Melbourne, Australia
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Reps: 10 (power: 0) | | Originally Posted by garydoc What happened to me was 43 years ago. I will not try to justify myself or defend myself. Attempts at counseling were made as early as possible, which were refused by her, and her mother sat in in with her. Yes, there were many issues. When she refused on the wedding night I was kind and did not lose my temper or cause a scene. The next morning was when she felt obligated to "let me have it".
Of course this is my point of view. I was a young honest Christian virgin.
Wow, that was a long time ago.
I'm sorry you had to experience that. I'm sure it must have been difficult in different ways for the both of you.
Refusing sex to your partner imho is indicative of deeper problems in a relationship or a person that needs to be explored and dealt with early on. There wasn't much you could have done if the other party is absolutely adamant they are not going to do anything or at least let you know what the problem was so you can try to solve it or at least tackle it together.
I hope you let go of the past and are happy with what you have built today in your life! |
1st June 2012, 07:54 AM
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Reps: 419,283,661,195,784 (power: 419,283,661,197) | | | The past is gone
Yep, the past is past. I will not rehash it. I have been married to a Christian woman for almost 42 years now. From the very first our sexlife was passionate and giving. I still remember the first time with her, and it was beyond description. It was a replay of the Song of Solomon. Our whole married life sex has been a major part of our loving relationship. We give to each other.
I have forgiven the past, and live in the present and leave the future to God.
I pray the blessing of God on my ex-wife. |
1st June 2012, 10:18 AM
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Reps: 10 (power: 0) | | | No, it's not wrong to "refuse". And we don't call it refuse, we call it "pass". If a spouse is tired, sick, doesn't want to, stressed, etc. It really doesn't matter the reason. The bottom line is respect for other. Both parties must have open communication on this. If one party is always agressive and disrespectful about this it only causes disrespect and bitterness on the other party's side. You won't get respect if you don't give it.
Now - for a true "refuser" who ALWAYS says no. That person needs professional help first to see if something is wrong. |
3rd June 2012, 10:05 AM
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Reps: 10,864,608,559,752 (power: 10,864,608,566) | | | Not posted here in years but this thread hit home a bit and thought id say my peace. While over the years I may have pretended to myself otherwise, I hate sex. It leaves me feeling cold, bored, uncomfortable and I have never felt any deep emotional connection while having it, no matter how much I love the other person. It is like a foreign language to me, and doing it reluctantly just led to the end of relationships and people cheating on me purely as I couldn't comprehend a need for sex and stil don't.
While I now know a lack of sex can spoil relationships, nobody should feel obligated to have sex when they don't want to. It made my skin crawl. Id only ever enter into a relationship now if I knew my partner was ok with no sex or I knew my partner was ok getting their needs catered to elsewhere.
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3rd June 2012, 10:17 AM
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Reps: 178,191,711,851,911,488 (power: 178,191,711,851,914) | | Yes it's wrong. Read 1 Cor 7. If they don't then the man can be tempted to lust or masturbate for example, which are Sins.
Yes, it's Sin to cheat on your wife, even if she doesn't want to have sex. We can give no excuses for our Sins.
1 Corinthians 7:5
King James Version (KJV)
5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
1 Corinthians 7:10
King James Version (KJV)
10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: Originally Posted by miniverchivi This points out the flaw in the whole "no sex until marriage" philosophy held up by some.
People getting married without having any knowlegde of their sexual compatibility with the other person is bound to lead to disaster.
That's unbiblical, you need no special knowledge of that. Sex is to be between husband and wife, otherwise it's Sin. Originally Posted by HaloHope Not posted here in years but this thread hit home a bit and thought id say my peace. While over the years I may have pretended to myself otherwise, I hate sex. It leaves me feeling cold, bored, uncomfortable and I have never felt any deep emotional connection while having it, no matter how much I love the other person. It is like a foreign language to me, and doing it reluctantly just led to the end of relationships and people cheating on me purely as I couldn't comprehend a need for sex and stil don't.
While I now know a lack of sex can spoil relationships, nobody should feel obligated to have sex when they don't want to. It made my skin crawl. Id only ever enter into a relationship now if I knew my partner was ok with no sex or I knew my partner was ok getting their needs catered to elsewhere.
Partner? Sex outside marriage is Sinful. Repent if you haven't.
__________________ "Could a mariner sit idle if he heard the drowning cry? Could a doctor sit in comfort and just let his patients die? Could a fireman sit idle, let men burn and give no hand? Can you sit at ease in Zion with the world around you CONDEMNED?" - Leonard Ravenhill (changed last word to a more proper word in my opinion.) |
3rd June 2012, 06:27 PM
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Reps: 28,719,570,832,414,820 (power: 28,719,570,832,426) | | Originally Posted by Jonathan95 That's unbiblical, you need no special knowledge of that. Sex is to be between husband and wife, otherwise it's Sin.
No special knowledge of what? Your own sexuality? You have got to be kidding me. This is why the divorce rate is so high, folks.
EDIT: Also, you're a 16 year old male and you believe masturbation to be a sin? Boy howdy, I bet you have your work cut out for you avoiding THAT particular temptation. I'm so incredibly glad I don't feel guilty for having a normal human sex drive that needs to be satisfied once in a while. |
3rd June 2012, 08:45 PM
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Reps: 154,292,412,800,068,320 (power: 154,292,412,800,073) | | | The husband should simply let the wife know that he is going to be having sex with someone and while he would prefer for it to be his wife if she doesn't perform and tries turning their relationship into some sexless marriage he is going to look elsewhere for sexual fullfilment. The wife has every right to say the same thing to the man too. It's one thing if they are both old folks who are no longer into sex but it's not all right for a young couple at all.
__________________ Substance does not undergo process. Process is primary and what we call substance is merely a temporary pattern produced by that process.
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3rd June 2012, 09:18 PM
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Reps: 201,510,162,846,496,544 (power: 201,510,162,846,501) | | | nope nevermind. too much
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28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” | | |
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