My dad disapproves of me getting married.

UPDATE:

Just wanted to thank each and everyone of you that has replied and given your input on the matter. I am so thankful!

Well I am married now, my husband and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary. What's even better?? About 4-5 months after our wedding my parents and I reconciled! Once I found a job after I got married, my parents were finally at ease and accepted me back into their lives! God was definitely faithful and taught me a lot about the whole situation. I also believe that he allowed the reconciliation to pave a way for me to talk with my dad about Jesus in hopes that he would come to faith in Christ as well. That is the next challenge which I am still trying to figure out.

But just thought I would say thanks and give you all the great news!

-Michelle

Long story starts now.

Background: I am 22 year old. College graduate. Been with my fiance for 3.5 years. I come from a very strict chinese family and my fiance is white (believe it or not it is a huge deal to my dad).

In late july early august of last year, my boyfriend at the time went to visit my parents to ask for their blessings. Of course, at the time I was completely unaware that this was going on but my boyfriend and I had talked about marriage quite a few times and knew we could see a lasting future together. Anyways, my dad ended up calling me right after my boyfriend left and told me what had gone down. I was in shock but happy at the same time. Naturally, I asked my dad what he thought and he told me that he highly recommended that I wait and take it slowly. At the time I was getting ready to finish up my last year in college. I asked my dad what if I said yes, and he simply said that it was my choice but he strongly suggested that we wait. The conversation was left relatively unresolved because I felt I needed to think about this decision long and hard. I spent the next week seriously analyzing every aspect of myself and our relationship to determine if I felt I was truly ready for marriage. In the end, I did feel that I was ready and that we were ready, so when my boyfriend finally proposed I said yes.

Now when I went back to see my dad and step-mom and told them the news my step-mom was not amused and did not even want to acknowledge the fact that I was engaged. I was not exactly sure what my dad was feeling at the time, but he seemed to handle it just a bit better than my step-mom. Now everything is a bit fuzzy because it has been so long, but the cliff notes version of this is that my parents have been reacting very badly to this situation. In november of last year, I remember coming to my dad and telling him that I really wanted to get married and that we were thinking of an october wedding. He was not thrilled to hear that and he really did not approve. I asked him if he would still attend the wedding despite our disagreement and that night he told me yes. He said that even though he didnt agree with me he knew that ultimately I would do what I thought was right and that he would be there to support me and that made me very happy....unfortunately that moment was short lived when my step-mom started to yell at my dad saying he should be screaming at me and how could he be okay with this. Soon enough, my dad did a complete 180 and was demanding that i not get married.

I will try to sum this up the best I can. Basically, My fiance and I ended up going through with the wedding plans even though it was against my dad's wishes, and I have had to deal with the consequences. I continued to talk to my dad about the wedding in hopes to change his mind but things gradually got worse. As we talked I tried to understand his reasonings/conditions which consisted of time limits (two years), after I got a job (one that was sufficient to his standards), when he thought I was ready, and when he was ready. And I tried to have him understand my reasoning. But it is very difficult to communicate with him because we are on such different pages. First and foremost my dad is not a believer, that has been the biggest challenge of all because he does not understand the value and reasons pertaining my faith of why I want to get married. For example, my father told me to just live with my fiance first, but I strongly believe in being married before living together (but my dad just looks at me like I am stupid). In terms of finding a job, I am currently pursuing my own business but he doesn't believe I will be successful in that either.

To make matters worse, a couple of months ago he found out about our save the dates and went ballistic. He basically told me that if I got married he would disown me and I would no longer be his daughter. He also told me that I was not allowed to invite anyone from the family and that if I wanted to get married I was on my own. Now being raised in a chinese home my families expectations are very different compared to most american families. In the chinese culture every decision made should be reflected on the whole family everything needs to be done in accordance to the entire family and must be right for everyone. In addition, pride and respect are two of the most important things to a chinese person. As you can see what I have done has gone against all of that. Now I no i am in the wrong that I didnt really properly discuss this with my dad before I said yes, and I do understand that my dad is doing this to protect me and that he wants the best for me, but they way he is handling everything is making it very difficult. My fiance's family hasnt provided much help, because they dont understand why my dad has an issue with this. They feel that if this is what I want then I should just do it..however it is not that simple. Of course I want to get married, obviously if my dad was okay with it I would not a have a single worry, but since he does so strongly disapprove and I risk losing a relationship with him I do question if I am making the choice even though I am fully ready for marriage and I feel that it will help to build my relationship with my fiance closer to God and I also believe it will provide greater opportunities to grow in my own faith individually as well.

As of last week I have moved back home after living with my fiance's parents for a month (after my parent told me I was not welcome if I was still planning on getting married.) I came back home because I missed my dad dearly and I wanted to try to work it out. Unfortunately his views have not changed, and my relationship with my dad is still on the line if I end up getting married in October.

I am unsure of what to do. I know God calls us to be obedient to our parents and I want to be but my dad's reasoning and how he is handling everything makes it difficult to continue to want a relationship with him when he can so easily throw me away.

Advise?

__________________

The Parable of the Two Sons

28 “What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’
29 “‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.

30 “Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go.

31 “Which of the two did what his father wanted?”

“The first,” they answered.

Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. 32 For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him.
Matthew 21

__________________

Correction, God calls children to be obedient to their parents.

God calls all of us to be respectful to our parents.

There is a major difference, as an adult you are no longer commanded to be obedient to your parents. How would we ever get any adults capable of making their own decisions if we all had to be obedient to our parents even as adults? How could one put their spouse first if they have to be obedient to their parents.

Just remember you are no longer under any command to obey your father, only to respect him.

To me this sounds like your father's issue with your selection of mate and I havn't seen anything from what you are saying that it sounds like there is a real or actual problem with your fiance as to why he might want you to not marry him. (If your father had a reason other then "He's not chinese" you may want to consider that. However your fiance's race or ancestory is not a relavent reason to not marry him.)

As difficult as this is, I would go ahead and get married and hope that you can reconcile to your father sometime in the future. But I think you have to make your decision as an adult and hope your father will come around and deal with the fact that you make your own decisions now.

__________________
"Many Christians suppose that it makes no difference which church group a Christian joins, and they act accordingly. When they come to a place where any kind of Protestant church is found, they join it as members. There are people who were successively Reformed, Baptists, Methodists, Presbyterians, Congregationalists, depending upon the place where they lived. And we should not be surprised when this happens among the sects, for they are not certain about their distinctive doctrines, because they are not grounded in God's Word." - Franz Pieper

My dad claims that he doesn't care if I marry Jeff, as long as it is not right now. The reasons he keeps giving me are because I am too young, I don't even have a job yet, I'm not ready, and he's not ready. However, he says if Jeff was really rich he wouldn't have a problem with it, which confuses me because he is also telling me how marriage means nothing and should be my last priority and should be done slowly because it is so difficult. My fiancée is 27 years old has an extremely steady and well paid job. We have calculated our finances and have come to a conclusion that we are definitely prepared, after all he and I are paying for the entire wedding ourselves. Anyways, my dad hates the way I am doing this he says that I am a Chinese girl and I should be doing it the Chinese way, but he doesn't even really consider that this is something between my fiancée and I.

My dad and I had s very long conversation about this last week and I was trying to figure out how he was willing to just toss our relationship away over the fact of me getting married to the person I love. My dad basically said that me choosing to go through with the wedding (disobeying him) was the ultimate sign of disrespect and it was the equivalent of "throwing crap on his face" So basically he thinks that if I choose to do what I want instead of what he want that means I don't care about him, which is absolutely not true. I am struggling to figure out how to show him I do respect and care for him even though I am not taking his advice/doing what he wants me to do.

__________________

The only thing that I can tell you is to say that to him. Basically something like "Look Dad, I love you, I really do respect you. But I'm a woman, now, this is my life and I have to do the things the way I belive is right. So I've listened to you because you are my father and I understand your issues with it, but I've decided to get married anyways because its my decision, and I need you to respect that."

Thats the only thing I know to say.

__________________
"Many Christians suppose that it makes no difference which church group a Christian joins, and they act accordingly. When they come to a place where any kind of Protestant church is found, they join it as members. There are people who were successively Reformed, Baptists, Methodists, Presbyterians, Congregationalists, depending upon the place where they lived. And we should not be surprised when this happens among the sects, for they are not certain about their distinctive doctrines, because they are not grounded in God's Word." - Franz Pieper

Indeed: "I will, sir," even though the son didn't go on and do it was showing respect for his father.

God is calling you to respect your father's advice...saying "yes, sir" and other such like items. let him do the talking and force yourself to just respond in a "I will, sir" way. it's hard...I know.

If your father says, outright, "DO NOT GET MARRIED," your response should be, "I won't, sir," as per Jesus' parable. period.

__________________

also:

mariage...should be done slowly because it is so difficult.

Now concerning [5] the betrothed, [6] I have no command from the Lord, but I give my judgment as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy. 26 I think that in view of the present [7] distress it is good for a person to remain as he is. 27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman [8] marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that.
1 Cor 7:25..

and

I am fully ready for marriage and I feel that it will help to build my relationship with my fiance closer to God and I also believe it will provide greater opportunities to grow in my own faith individually as well.

32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.
1 Cor 7:32..

You have already made your decisions...now have faith and pray to God that He will help him get over it, if it is His will.

__________________

So are you saying I should lie to my dad? I can say "I wont get married" to please him, but he will eventually find out that I did. Wouldn't that infuriate him even more?

__________________

Read the parable, "MISHBEANS."

28 “What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’
29 “‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.

30 “Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go.

31 “Which of the two did what his father wanted?”

“The first,” they answered.

Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. 32 For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him.
Matthew 21

Not believing in Christ's words as true, is not believing in Christ at all.

__________________

If you truly felt like what you're doing is the right thing, then you wouldn't be scared of the man who raised you. For Jesus says,

He that loves father or mother more than Me, is not worthy of Me: and he that loves son or daughter more than Me, is not worthy of Me.
Matthew 10:37

Jesus never said it would be easy to do the right thing and in fact called the path "narrow."

Do what God wants you to do, not what the man who raised you wants you to do.
If you love Jesus, you will do the right thing.

__________________