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  #1  
Unread 3rd May 2011, 05:28 AM
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How do you "forgive" when someone denies having done wrong?

I am already aware that forgiveness is done for me, not for the person who wronged me. In fact, most of the people who wrong someone don't even care if they're forgiven or not. I want to know how to go about "forgiving" someone who is convinced that there was no wrong done, and so nothing to forgive.

I grew up in an abusive, alcoholic household, and later married into domestic violence. The abuse is behind me now, but only because I keep family contact to a bare minimum. They wonder why I moved so far away (nearly 3,000 miles) and why I don't like being with them. Well, my husband, pastor, therapist, and healthier family members all agree that this was the best thing for me to do. Often when an overly manipulative family member says, "I miss you," what is really meant is "I miss controlling you." Likewise, "I only want you to be happy," can mean "I want you to like living under my thumb," but if I continue in this direction, it can turn into a whole different post.

I am sometimes accused of being bitter about certain horrible things that have been done to me. It's beyond the scope of one post to go into too much detail, but to give an idea, it has ranged from verbal abuse to downright life-threatening situations, including such things as being held hostage and being abused sexually. I am under the care of an excellent therapist, please rest assured, and for the record he is a Christian.

My question is, when I ask about something like that, I will be told:
  • It didn't really happen.
  • You imagined it.
  • You're exaggerating.
  • Maybe you dreamed it.
  • You must have seen it on TV, and got confused and thought it happened to you.
  • You have emotional problems, and that means your memory is warped.

This is coming from people who consider me the family historian, and won't hesitate to call and ask me who we lived next door to in 1974, because my memory is so accurate.

In any case, if it "didn't happen," then they did nothing wrong, and what is there to forgive? Therefore, how can I?
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Last edited by LovebirdsFlying; 3rd May 2011 at 05:48 AM. Reason: typo
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  #2  
Unread 3rd May 2011, 07:07 AM
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I'm sorry to hear of your situation, lovebirdsflying :-( It sounds like you've come through a nightmare family situation and have done massive work on healing yourself and creating a better life and emotional health.

I'm in a similar situation myself, working on forgiving a soon to be ex-husband who damaged me and my children very badly but insists he wasn't sinning because God knows our weaknesses and anyone (including our pastor) who points out scriptures to him is just being "legalistic" :-(

Am praying every day for God to help me release my bitterness and hurt and he's just jaunting through his new bachelor life in search of a teen-crush butterflies-in-the-stomach new love affair, and smiling boyishly at everyone at church but avoiding our pastor.... and very annoyed with me that I can't just accept him with his weaknesses and move on with life staying best friends with him for the "childrens' sake".

How do you forgive someone so totally in denial of damaging you or your children badly? Hope someone has an answer to help you on this thread, I need the answer myself.
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  #3  
Unread 3rd May 2011, 07:24 AM
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Forgiveness is giving it to the Lord as an act of your will. It is not necessary for anyone to acknowledge their wrongdoing. I do not want to hold unforgiveness because I don't want it to come between me and the Lord therefore I surrender any "rights" to hold another in unforgiveness.
Scripture tells us that unforgiveness isn't an option for us as believers.
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  #4  
Unread 3rd May 2011, 07:33 AM
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Keep repeating.. until the Lord heals your heart

Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing....
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Last edited by visionary; 3rd May 2011 at 08:28 AM.
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  #5  
Unread 3rd May 2011, 07:48 AM
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Forgiveness is giving it to the Lord as an act of your will.

You are right, I've lost sight of that and just kept praying for God to soften my heart and release the anger and help me stop being "judgemental". I could feel that it was getting in the way of my prayer and walk with Christ but was struggling like crazy trying to stop my brain from focusing on it all the time. I even bought Joyce Myer's book "Battlefield of the Mind" to try to get control of this....

Thank you, thank you for that reminder, I think it will help me more doing it the right way :-)

I hope it helps lovebirdsflying, too, it sounds like she has had a much more hurtful life at the hands of "loved ones" than I did....
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  #6  
Unread 3rd May 2011, 07:55 AM
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Hi visionary,

God doesn't forgive the unrepentant sinners of their sins...

Thank you, visionary, I believe this, too, and am actually afraid for my husband :-( There is no talking to him, though, even though he has been a professing born-again Christian for over 25 years. Totally lost in denial and it is scary to see the way his mind and heart work to justify to himself what he has been doing.

I'll just keep praying for him and keep giving it to God, as suggested....

(I'm sorry, lovebirdsflying, I didn't mean to hijack your thread... you just hit on something I've been struggling with deeply myself for the last couple of months)
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  #7  
Unread 3rd May 2011, 08:27 AM
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Dear Lovebird,

I am guessing that our stories are very similar. My Offenders, like yours, are unrepentant. So I understand this kind of hurt and anger. That said; I hope you make the same decision I made years ago when all I had left was to turn to Christ Jesus for help. I have never regretted following through with what He showed me in the Scriptures.

One of Jesus' main teachings was that we love our enemies, pray for them, and do good to those who have hurt us.

There was no repentance at the Cross while Jesus hung there. Not only was repentance nonexistent, but his Offenders sneered at him, mocked him, and despised him. Jesus replied, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34) Suppose Jesus had adopted the position that He should wait for them to repent before forgiving them? I hate to think where this world would be had our Savior been like me. Thank God his mercies are new every morning. Furthermore, what's interesting to me about the cross is that He did not call down to them, "I forgive you." Instead, He prayed, "Father You forgive them."

Those who hurt us probably don't even think they have done anything wrong. Nine out of ten people I have to forgive don't think they have done anything wrong to me (which suggests that I, too, have probably hurt people without knowing).

Be that as it may, I wanted my forgiveness for my Offenders to REAL - in my heart and not just in my words. So I looked to Christ's example and decided that my forgiveness would be most like his if I accomplished three things:

(1) Not tell another soul what they did to me.

(2) Accept the matter of total forgiveness as a "life sentence" - I would have to keep doing it, indefinitely.

(3) Pray that God would bless them and forgive them.

Lovebird, if you do this, you will never be sorry. The blessing of the Holy Spirit on you will compound and multiply to exceed your greatest expectation. The greater and deeper the hurt, the greater the blessing that follows.

Romans 5:8
But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.


James 2:10
For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.


Hebrews 8:12
For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.


Luke 23:34
Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.


Matthew 18:21-22
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
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  #8  
Unread 3rd May 2011, 08:33 AM
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It is important to remember, this is God's fight. He will fight your battles for you, trust me. All you have to do is forgive (my definition of forgivness is promising not to take revenge on the enemy). Let it all go to God and do your part to live a righteous life. I know what it is like to deal with people who take no accountability for their wrong doing.
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"Contraception: to make love without a chid. Artificial Insemination: to make a child without making love. Abortion: to unmake the child. Pornography: to unmake love.
All of these, to varying degrees, are incompatible with natural law." ---- Dr. Jerome Lejeune, geneticist who discovered the cause of Down Syndrome.
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  #9  
Unread 3rd May 2011, 08:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Life2Christ View Post
It is important to remember, this is God's fight. He will fight your battles for you, trust me. All you have to do is forgive (my definition of forgivness is promising not to take revenge on the enemy). Let it all go to God and do your part to live a righteous life. I know what it is like to deal with people who take no accountability for their wrong doing.
I can attest to the fact, that when it is left in God's hands, it is almost funny to watch.. [ you will see that the Lord also has a sense of humor too] and you can ask to see it. ... You will be glad you left it in God's hands...
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Last edited by visionary; 3rd May 2011 at 08:53 AM.
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  #10  
Unread 3rd May 2011, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying View Post
I am already aware that forgiveness is done for me, not for the person who wronged me. In fact, most of the people who wrong someone don't even care if they're forgiven or not. I want to know how to go about "forgiving" someone who is convinced that there was no wrong done, and so nothing to forgive.

I grew up in an abusive, alcoholic household, and later married into domestic violence. The abuse is behind me now, but only because I keep family contact to a bare minimum. They wonder why I moved so far away (nearly 3,000 miles) and why I don't like being with them. Well, my husband, pastor, therapist, and healthier family members all agree that this was the best thing for me to do. Often when an overly manipulative family member says, "I miss you," what is really meant is "I miss controlling you." Likewise, "I only want you to be happy," can mean "I want you to like living under my thumb," but if I continue in this direction, it can turn into a whole different post.

I am sometimes accused of being bitter about certain horrible things that have been done to me. It's beyond the scope of one post to go into too much detail, but to give an idea, it has ranged from verbal abuse to downright life-threatening situations, including such things as being held hostage and being abused sexually. I am under the care of an excellent therapist, please rest assured, and for the record he is a Christian.


My question is, when I ask about something like that, I will be told:
  • It didn't really happen.
  • You imagined it.
  • You're exaggerating.
  • Maybe you dreamed it.
  • You must have seen it on TV, and got confused and thought it happened to you.
  • You have emotional problems, and that means your memory is warped.
This is coming from people who consider me the family historian, and won't hesitate to call and ask me who we lived next door to in 1974, because my memory is so accurate.

In any case, if it "didn't happen," then they did nothing wrong, and what is there to forgive? Therefore, how can I?
Forgiveness on your part is independent of any action on anyone else's part. It does not require active participation on the part of another. You forgive as God forgives you in Christ Jesus. You forgive so that you follow God's desire for you. To not forgive interferes with your relationship with God, who is a relational Being desirous of having a personal relationship with you.

Be blessed,
Lee52
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