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  #1  
Unread 27th April 2011, 11:29 PM
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Help! I Am Not Attracted To And Do Not Really Love My Wife

Hello,

I have a problem that I feel funny sharing but maybe someone can help or relate. I have been married to my wife for five years. I initially married her because I felt that God was compelling me to do so. I felt that I kept reading the scripture whoever finds a wife finds a good thing. I never have felt true love for her but have tried to be obedient to what I thought God was telling me. This is not about any other woman. My eyes are not roaming or anything like that. I have been a faithful husband. But I cannot live this way anymore, it feels like a big lie and facade.

Well, although my wife may be a good person I am not sure if she is for me. I am not attracted to her at all. I have tried to convince myself over the years that it does not matter. But it does. Sometimes I look at her and I am repulsed. I also do not really enjoy her company outside of talking about the scriptures. I feel like if God knows my heart does He not know that I am pretending for the sake of not getting a divorce?

This brings me to wonder if the concept of not getting a divorce relates to this day and age. I feel like I am in a prison. Does an all loving and merciful God not allow for mistakes. I made a mistake in marrying this person. I am sorry. But, I am condemned to pay for it forever?

How, do I live this way for the rest of my life. Also, my wife deserves someone who will genuinely love her and not just love her because the scriptures say to do so and the person is afraid of God's wrath. There is a difference.

Has anyone had these thoughts regarding divorce? I feel like I married for the wrong reason. I am very unhappy and no longer want to live this way. Please do not tell me that God does not like divorce, I cannot hear that anymore.

Thanks in advance.

Last edited by spotlight41; 28th April 2011 at 09:12 AM. Reason: ad
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  #2  
Unread 28th April 2011, 12:06 AM
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Have you asked the king of Hearts, the
ONE who doesn't have love but is
LOVE, to put the love and romance in
your marriage?

Have you asked the LORD, to change your self
first, before you change wives?

Because, if you loved her like a christian, you would
explore whatever you could, before thinking divorce.

-eric
The Exchanged Life
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  #3  
Unread 28th April 2011, 12:10 AM
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Does your wife read Christian Forums??...............
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  #4  
Unread 28th April 2011, 12:23 AM
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I am deeply shocked at the impossible situation you find yourself in Spotlight41, and I wonder if this forum is appropriate to help you. I think this question would be much better addressed to the chaplains, or perhaps to some kind of counselor or mentor you could meet with in person.
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  #5  
Unread 28th April 2011, 12:24 AM
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[quote=ezeric;57351196]Have you asked the king of Hearts, the
ONE who doesn't have love but is
LOVE, to put the love and romance in
your marriage?

Have you asked the LORD, to change your self
first, before you change wives?

Because, if you loved her like a christian, you would
explore whatever you could, before thinking divorce.

-eric


Yes, I have. And that is my question to all. Can one not make a mistake? This is not just some fluke that I am writing about. I have been in prayer and thought about it for years. Is it truly a life sentence? I cannot be the only person who feels this way.
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  #6  
Unread 28th April 2011, 12:24 AM
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I am angry for your wife, and I'll bet God is as well.



He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
(Micah 6:8).

The Lord shall judge the people; judge me, O Lord, according to my righteousness, and according to mine integrity that is in me.
(Psalms 7:8)
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  #7  
Unread 28th April 2011, 12:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Tim Myers View Post
Does your wife read Christian Forums??...............

No she does not. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. I am just looking for advice.
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  #8  
Unread 28th April 2011, 12:44 AM
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i honestly don't understand how you can make a "mistake" in marrying someone. That's a lifetime decision.

How long did you date. Did you pray for a long time to see if it was God's will for you to marry her?

My parents dated for 9 years. My mom told me that she prayed long and hard for years for God to show her if this was the right man for her to marry. She even said, she prayed up til the wedding day, that, if this was not God's will for her to marry him, then she would break it off. But, it was God's will and he wanted her to marry him and has blessed her for waiting all those years to marry him.

Divorce does happen in both christian and non christian homes but God does condemn divorce which is why you should be sure you are marrying the right person, before you marry them. You're supposed to have your friends/family and church pray for you beforehand so that God could lead you. i just don't get how you could not love your wife or choose to marry her when you truly didn't love her.

I just can't imagine that for the life of me. I know that when I find a guy that I think I want to marry, that I will be doing what my mom did -- pray hard for God to lead me and to open or close doors and to show me if who i'm w/ is the right person for me (i'm currently not dating and know nothing of marriage so, i can't really give u any advice but, i just don't understand)

I'm not tryin to put you down for what you shared but, i'm just so completely confused about how you made the "decision" to marry her if you initally had no love or no true feelings for her or that's what it seemed like u were saying anyways. Please explain.....
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  #9  
Unread 28th April 2011, 12:47 AM
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Okay, here are my instinctive thoughts in the few moments I've been furiously considering your dilemma Spotlight41.

You cannot pretend Eros, or romantic love, where there is none. But do not underestimate your capacity to stimulate a desire for your wife. If you are comparing her to women you find very attractive, of course she is going to fall short. What about experimenting with guarding your eyes against other women, so that your wife is the only femininity you have recourse to?

As husbands and wives age and physical looks fade, it might be a common experience to find something repulsive about one's mate. Sometimes I am repulsed by my own image in a photograph, yet when I look in the mirror I kind of selectively see only the good points so I can have a good esteem. We all have bad angles and bad moments. We all have times of bad breath, bad hair, and other things that decrease our physical attractiveness. Sometimes our personality and behaviour is less than attractive. I know there are times I must have been repulsive to God, yet he sees me more than the person I was at that instant. Is there no way you can smooth over these difficulties?

If the situation is insurmountable, would you be prepared to watch over her for the remainder of her life, if she didn't find another husband? Would you be available to her for financial and emotional assistance? She must be an intimate part of your life until you die. This is not something you can divorce yourself from and remain virtuous.

I guess what I'm saying is there is more than Eros. There is Agape.
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  #10  
Unread 28th April 2011, 12:47 AM
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Originally Posted by sk8brdkd View Post
i honestly don't understand how you can make a "mistake" in marrying someone. That's a lifetime decision.

How long did you date. Did you pray for a long time to see if it was God's will for you to marry her?

My parents dated for 9 years. My mom told me that she prayed long and hard for years for God to show her if this was the right man for her to marry. She even said, she prayed up til the wedding day, that, if this was not God's will for her to marry him, then she would break it off. But, it was God's will and he wanted her to marry him and has blessed her for waiting all those years to marry him.

Divorce does happen in both christian and non christian homes but God does condemn divorce which is why you should be sure you are marrying the right person, before you marry them. You're supposed to have your friends/family and church pray for you beforehand so that God could lead you. i just don't get how you could not love your wife or choose to marry her when you truly didn't love her.

I just can't imagine that for the life of me. I know that when I find a guy that I think I want to marry, that I will be doing what my mom did -- pray hard for God to lead me and to open or close doors and to show me if who i'm w/ is the right person for me (i'm currently not dating and know nothing of marriage so, i can't really give u any advice but, i just don't understand)

I'm not tryin to put you down for what you shared but, i'm just so completely confused about how you made the "decision" to marry her if you initally had no love or no true feelings for her or that's what it seemed like u were saying anyways. Please explain.....

It is said that God speaks to us through His Word. The Bible. When I met her it was through Bible study. I felt that God through his Word was leading me to marry her. I was trying to be obedient to what I thought I was being led to do. If I had to do it again, I would also do what your mother did. lessen learned!
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