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  #1  
Old 22nd March 2011, 03:03 PM
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sharing a bed with your girlfriend/boyfriend

A few months ago I started what I see as my first serious relationship. This is the first time that I can see my girlfriend turning into my wife. We've talked about the fact that we can both see this moving towards marraige, but we have a long distance relationship. I go to the US Military Academy in New York, and I can't be with her very much because she goes to school in Florida and has a job. Over our mutual spring break we spent as much time as we could together, including sleeping in the same bed. Most of our best discussions happenned before we would go to sleep.

We've discussed the fact that we aren't going to have sex before marraige, and also the fact that we won't hide anything that we do from our parents. When her parents asked her where I was sleeping, we were honest about it, and the discussion that followed led her (well, led us, but I don't much enjoy it) to believe that we shouldn't share a bed because of the image that it portrays to other people that won't believe that we're not having sex. As a result of this new opinion, I slept alone for the last few days of the break.

I truly believe that the both of us will be able to show the restraint to not have sex until we're married and I've read the scriptures about removing yourself from temptation (proverbs 6:27- Can a man scoop a flame into his lap and not have his clothes catch on fire?). I think that temptation is different to different people, and I can see why others should be encouraged not to sleep in the same bed, especially if they haven't discussed premarital sex. Because while I probably couldn't put fire in my lap without being burned, I am able to sleep with my girlfriend without having sex. I also believe that it's out of our hands whether or not people will think that we're having sex, because people are judgemental.

Does anyone have any arguments for or against sleeping in the same bed, or possibly have a personal experience that would support either side of the argument?
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  #2  
Old 22nd March 2011, 03:41 PM
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I think you should not sleep in the same bed. While you're not having sex, it's still a level of intimacy that is probably not wise to indulge in outside of marriage. I realize that it's hard to come up with a strict rule and you can start pushing back (what about napping on the couch? lying down and staying awake? "everything but"? etc etc etc) in an absurd way. But I don't think following this rule will lead you astray, nor do I think it's a terrible burden, while breaking it could lead to bad things. There isn't much reason to break it and plenty of reasons not to.

One tangent: something research has shown is that a lot of our decisions are strongly correlated with what our friends and peers are doing. If all your friends are having sex, you're more likely to have sex - and vice versa. I wouldn't want to imply causation, but this is another weak reason not to engage in "scandalous" behavior - it might make a Christian friend discouraged because even you are sleeping with your girlfriend - because he presumes that means sex. But this is a weak reason.
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  #3  
Old 22nd March 2011, 07:38 PM
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Its a depressing realization that this is probably the best way to conduct ourselves, but I would feel better about depriving us of something that was so good for our relationship if I knew that the reasons were rooted in the Bible instead of society's view on what we might be doing.
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  #4  
Old 22nd March 2011, 09:24 PM
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The Bible mentions few realities of modern life directly. The whole notion of dating somebody for a while would be foreign to that society - expression of interest with engagement and marriage following soon after. Until this last century, doing what you did would likely result in a shotgun wedding even without sex. If you're going to talk about "good for your relationship", whatever that actually means, sexual intercourse is "good" for it. I mean, it's what cements the bond of marriage, definitely a plus for the relationship. The primary reason, again, is not what society thinks, but the fact that this is quite intimate and some levels of intimacy really should be reserved for marriage.
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  #5  
Old 22nd March 2011, 10:23 PM
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My husband and I were in a long distance relationship before we were married. We usually slept in seperate beds, either in seperate rooms or the same room. I think we did share a bed maybe a few times, though -- like one time I remember pushing our beds together because we were sad about me leaving the next morning and just wanted to hold each other all night (we were pretty depressed). We were able to wait until after we were married for sex and other sexual activities. I don't necessarily think sharing a bed is a good idea, though -- it can be done but it can look bad to others and it can be more tempting.
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  #6  
Old 22nd March 2011, 10:56 PM
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I sleep much better with my special lady than I do alone, whether we have sex or not. If that's true for you, then I suppose that's a good enough reason to do it.
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Old 22nd March 2011, 10:59 PM
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wow, i havent thought of some of the things that people mentioned, but obviously now i am... i would have been one to wanted to share a bed now and then, and i know where i stand on the sex approach also... however, sigh. but i myself am leaning towards the not sleeping in the bed together. wow... how thoughts can change.
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Old 22nd March 2011, 11:42 PM
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I'm more concerned about this statement:


"I am able to sleep with my girlfriend without having sex."


If that is true I would advise you to find another woman that tempts you more. In eventual-marriage a strong attraction is very important!


BTW I think the parents excuse as it is a bad example is lame. What do the people there care where you sleep?
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  #9  
Old 23rd March 2011, 12:30 AM
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I've slept in the same bed with my fiance a few times - mostly when travelling, sometimes, like Melissa said, when we were depressed. We haven't had sex yet, and it's not because of a lack of attraction, but because we've decided we're not going to do it until we're married. It depends on your self control.

While image does matter, I would also wonder why people even know whether you are sleeping in the same bed or not...
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  #10  
Old 23rd March 2011, 12:46 AM
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Originally Posted by iambren View Post
I'm more concerned about this statement:


"I am able to sleep with my girlfriend without having sex."


If that is true I would advise you to find another woman that tempts you more. In eventual-marriage a strong attraction is very important!


BTW I think the parents excuse as it is a bad example is lame. What do the people there care where you sleep?
Well, that's... unusual advice.
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