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  #1  
Old 15th March 2011, 07:12 AM
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Son sleeping with girlfriend

I read with interest the post by Suebu7 about her son who was sleeping at his girlfriend's house and all the great advice that followed. Our situation is similar, but our son lives on the other side of the country. He's 28, an officer in the military, and this is his first really serious girlfriend. (It's hard for those in the military to sustain a relationship since they move around so often.) He brought her home to meet us over the weekend and it wasn't until I went to change the sheets in the guest rooms that I realized they were sleeping together because his bed was not slept in. I'm hurt and disappointed that (1) he's sleeping with her (2) he violated our home and values by sleeping with her here. That's part one of the problem.

Part two is the girlfriend herself. I have no idea how to to word this without sounding snooty, but here goes.... We liked her, but we just can't see our son settling down with her. She's the same age, but her maturity level is that of a college semi-party girl. I think they were both lonely... maybe feeling that "biological clock". They enjoy many of the same activities, but that's not enough to base a lasting relationship. Also, I get the idea that she is very clingy and it will not be easy to either slow down the relationship or end it, if that would be the case.

We plan on calling our son in a day or two. He's in grad school right now and this is finals week, so we don't want to disturb his studies - and we want to give ourselves time to pray about the situation and what we need to say to him.

So - any ideas?
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  #2  
Old 15th March 2011, 03:10 PM
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Your son is 28 years old, earning an advanced degree, and an officer in the military. He's probably not going to respond well to your attempting to "mother" him at this stage in his life--and he's really not going to respond well to being "fathered."

The best way to address this and to let him know how you feel at the same time would be to cast it in terms of "our house." Something like this: "[Son], you're an adult and we're adults, and we'd say this to any other unmarried adult who was staying at our house. You are free to make your own choices, but we do not approve of you having premarital sex in our home. We believe sex is a wonderful gift of God, but that one can only truly enjoy it in the confines of marriage. We respect your right to make your own choices, but please also respect our home and our values just as we do the same for you. Can we talk to you more about this, Christian adult to Christian adult?"

That lets him know A.) where you stand, B.) where God stands, but leaves it up to him to get himself right with God, and C.) that you want to advise him but will not force it on him.

You do have a Christian duty to tell him where his sin is, but not a parental duty.
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  #3  
Old 15th March 2011, 03:59 PM
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Originally Posted by xapiemom View Post
I read with interest the post by Suebu7 about her son who was sleeping at his girlfriend's house and all the great advice that followed. Our situation is similar, but our son lives on the other side of the country. He's 28, an officer in the military, and this is his first really serious girlfriend. (It's hard for those in the military to sustain a relationship since they move around so often.) He brought her home to meet us over the weekend and it wasn't until I went to change the sheets in the guest rooms that I realized they were sleeping together because his bed was not slept in. I'm hurt and disappointed that (1) he's sleeping with her (2) he violated our home and values by sleeping with her here. That's part one of the problem.

Part two is the girlfriend herself. I have no idea how to to word this without sounding snooty, but here goes.... We liked her, but we just can't see our son settling down with her. She's the same age, but her maturity level is that of a college semi-party girl. I think they were both lonely... maybe feeling that "biological clock". They enjoy many of the same activities, but that's not enough to base a lasting relationship. Also, I get the idea that she is very clingy and it will not be easy to either slow down the relationship or end it, if that would be the case.

We plan on calling our son in a day or two. He's in grad school right now and this is finals week, so we don't want to disturb his studies - and we want to give ourselves time to pray about the situation and what we need to say to him.

So - any ideas?
I would definitely call him and make sure that he knows that you are not in agreement with what is going on because God is not in agreement. Not just because values or anything else, but because it is sin, and the wages of sin is death. He must know the Truth, and the Truth will set him free.
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  #4  
Old 15th March 2011, 04:59 PM
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Well, of course the woman he's sleeping with is clingy. Sex does seem to incline women toward emotional attachment.

I'd let him know that you didn't appreciate how he handled himself in your home and to please respect your wishes in the future. As his mother, you can probably also get away with saying a bit more regarding faith, however, he is twenty-eight and not a kid. He'll always be your baby, but he's a grown man and has to stand or fall on his own decisions at this point in his life. At his stage of life, I'd already been married five years.
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Today He who hung the earth upon the waters is hung upon a tree. He who is King of the Angels is arrayed in a crown of thorns. He who wraps the heavens in clouds is wrapped in the purple of mockery. He who freed Adam in the Jordan receives a blow on the face. The Bridegroom of the Church is affixed to the cross with nails. The Son of the Virgin is pierced by a spear. We worship Your passion, O Christ. We worship Your passion, O Christ. We worship Your passion, O Christ. Show us also Your glorious Resurrection.
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Old 15th March 2011, 06:10 PM
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Thank you so much everyone. I think I pretty much knew all this... it's good to have reinforcement. This has just really thrown me for a loop. Since leaving home our son has always attended church when possible, sought out and has been close to the Chaplains, been a member of Officers' Christian Fellowship, etc. This is just soooo far out in left field for him - even in the choice of the woman. We are just reeling. Once we gain a bit of balance, we will definitely speak to him of his faith heritage, our standards for our home, and God's standards for his life. I know he's an adult, but with his choice in girlfriend (she does go to church, but we didn't get a chance to talk too much about her faith - her actions tell me she's not very grounded) and his choice in actions in our home, make me feel like I should be lecturing a high school kid.... like he has regressed to that time of life. *sigh*
Thank you, Everyone, for your advice and prayers!
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Old 15th March 2011, 06:16 PM
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My son is just 22 but is making choices that I really disagree with, including those with his girlfriend. I've chosen to surrender him into the Lords hands and let Him work in his heart. At this point, my job is kind of done and its really between him and God. I just hope that parenting I did will shine through at some point and he'll start making wiser choices. I think you're son has already made some pretty nice choices in life, and while there is this one short coming, that too will click for him and he'll learn from his mistakes and carry on wiser and more matured having learned them.
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The words I hold on tightly to during times of trouble: James 1; 2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
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Old 15th March 2011, 06:33 PM
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Thanks Suzybeezy! Your reply brought to my mind Proverbs 22:6, Train up a child in the way he should go and even when he is old he will not depart from it. Is 28 old enough? :-)
God is faithful! I have committed this relationship to him from the time I knew our son had a girlfriend, but even more so now. It's hard to let go, but knowing my son is in God's hads is comforting!
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Old 15th March 2011, 09:17 PM
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I have to do the same thing, let it go in God's hands. Our son is 23 and his girlfriend followed him from CA to VA. I pray that something we said or did he will remember at the right time.
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Old 15th March 2011, 09:17 PM
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It is hard for any adult that old to remain pure...but i believe he is honestly too old and too grown(almost 30) for you to be commenting on how he wishes to conduct his life...it is however one thing if you dont want him to sleep in the same bed with his gf in your home....you never know how his gf really is like someone mentioned before...sex will make a woman attached to the man...since this is the first time you met her...maybe you got a wrong first impression...you dont think she is grounded..but how grounded is your son either..if hes sleeping with her? The man sort of has to go along with this sort of the thing =) Maybe he is looking for a wife and wont be too astray too long.
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Old 15th March 2011, 09:41 PM
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I would at least ask him about it. Him being in the military, he's probably really used to having his sheets and bed perfectly made so maybe he made his bed? Entirely possible but probably also doubtful. Confront him about it and see what he says. You can come across as a curious mom instead of trying to control him. I know you don't like his choices, but being away in the military is sooo tough for someone...he can't really have a normal relationship with a woman. He has needs like the rest of us. In a few years when they're married (or he gets married to someone else) this won't even matter. There's a time when every parent has to let go and let his or her kid make their own choices. They won't always be choices you agree with, but it's theirs to make.
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