Help me please...

I just wanna ramble. I've got all these feelings inside and I don't have anywhere to express them.

I just can't get over myself. These words are soo true...

The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control

I don't even know where to start... I don't even know who I should be talking to because to anyone else, nothing appears wrong and any complaints I have have no merrit or just a phase. I'm really lost with what to do with myself. Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier if I just ended it. Every little thing seems so huge even if it's not really a big deal to everyone else.

I ask Jesus to help but then I feel it's all selfishness anyway. You don't really need friends, you can't take them with you when you die anyway. I feel like I'm supposed to be happy the way I am living in a groundhogs day, day after day. There are plenty of things I should be thankful for. I have a job that's pretty good money for no college. My parents never kicked me out of the house which allowed me to save up all my money for the most part... I've got about 100k in savings now. Never really have anything to spend it on so it just sits there. I bought a car a year ago... but it only has 1300 miles on it cause I don't really have anywhere to drive it. I'm thankful that I have one though cause that was frustrating wanting to just drive off and not having a car. But see, I should be happy... I have a job, a savings, a car and a roof over my head. So I feel selfish not being happy.

I could leave my parents house whenever I want. But there's no reason too. Why should I buy my own house? I live down the block from my job anyway. Nothing much would change from now aside from the added bills and a whole house all to myself. I mean unless I really loved my job, there's no reason to "choose" to stay there. Which is what I'd be doing if I bought a house and tied myself down. Right now there's a *tiny* sliver of hope that life wont always be the same cause I still have options. But I hate living with my parents... no space to myself.

I can't leave my job cause I don't know where else to go. I'm never gonna find a job that pays the same or more without going to school of some sort. Which I could do... just not sure what to do as far as that either. And while I hate my job, I find I can't quit even if I want to. While I don't have any real friends... the people that work there are the closest thing I've ever had to friends. At the same time it's quite depressing because alot of them are real friends with each other so watching their interactions between each other is rather hard at times.

All this leads to a bunch of stuff that make me feel really rotten inside... which doesn't really help how I feel about myself in the first place. I envy other peoples lives. I get quite stockerish on facebook. I feel really ashamed of it. I create happenings so that I get to "by chance" run into the people I want to. Just to get a slight bit of recognition from people I admire or like or wish I was friends with. It's quite embarassing to say the least. I don't feel very masculine or anything so especially look for approval from other guys that I really admire or posess some sort of desirable qualities or whatever and really try to get their attention. Fatherly or brotherly sorts... All this weighs down cause the kind of guy I wish I was wouldn't be like this so I feel really crappy about myself a lot. And then I feel guilty cause I feel I'm being selfish which I guess I am cause I figure this is just how I'm supposed to be. Oh that's another thing that bothered me... I wanted to go to church for a long while. I just get anxious around new people and so I always come up with lame excuses for myself on why I can't go. Learning where some of these people go to chruch at has made me push harder to go but now it's no longer cause I want to to go to church, it's cause I want to run into them at church. And then it becomes another excuse again on why I can't go to church... cause I want to go because I want to, not because someone else goes there... Well then go to a different one... but this one is just down the street and at least you'd know some people.. but blah blah blah back and fourth... I feel so stupid. "I am the King of Excuses. I've got one for every selfish thing I do".

Oh and I'm quite vain... not in the way most people think of the term vain... kind of in the opposite way but still vain. Checking my reflections... even if I can't meet my standards and stuff I still have to approve of the way I look before I go out. Compare the way I look to everyone else. Even if I feel I appear worst than most, it's still vanity. Which I feel crappy for. It shouldn't matter and I should try to see myself and everyone else through God's eyes and not mine.

I don't know I feel so worthless. I don't even know how to change and things are really hard to stop when you want something so bad and don't wanna let dreams or hopes go. I ask for God's forgiveness and that he'd help me out but it just feels like everything I say or think is just pure selfishness and self centered... I don't know how to live, what God's will is, what his plan is or how to find it.

I've kind of loss my train of thought... you'd probably fall asleep before you get this far anyway. Don't really care for any advice... just wanted to type it out somewhere... I know ya can't help me. But maybe a prayer? Sorry if I didn't make much sense... that was just thoughts as they came and had on my mind for a while.

Prayer for you.

Chaplain Steve