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  #1  
Unread 13th July 2010, 07:16 PM
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lonely

I'm extremely lonely and I'm really getting sick of married couples in general, but especially in regards to Christian married couples. I notice that I have at least somewhat of a consistent friendship with Christians friends until they beome married. As soon as they become married, the friendship up and drifts, and contact becomes non-existent.

Yes I know a marriage is more important than a friendship. However all Christians seem to focus on is how it affects the married couple. They don't even bother to think how it affects the other relationships in the married Christian's life that were there prior to the marriage. If a Christian friend of the married Christian has the audacity to confront them about how they're being treated, then all the married Christians get this snobbish attitude and give them a guilt trip ganging up on them. I just wish married couples in the church would try to look at how it affects people on both sides of the spectrum. Unfortunately in my past experience, all married Christians seem to do is look at how it affects them, which is really selfish and rude. I believe part of a marriage is thinking about how your marriage affects the other relationships in your lives. I've noticed from past experience in my life, that they just tend to leave their important relationships by the wayside "for the benefit of the marriage". If you spend all your time with your spouse incessantly, you're going to drive each other insane. You need relationships outside the marriage because time apart (for room to breathe) is just as essential as enough time together.

Yeah I've seen Christians who have the attitude of "if you're single then why are you friends with a married christian". Well with some friendships and relationships you were friends with them BEFORE they became married; you just didn't pick to become friends with them when they were married in the first place.

Other piece of advice offered is "make new friends". I'm extremely reluctant to do this. Why bother trying to make new friends in a church? So I can develop a close relationship with a Christian only to have the relationship drift and them abandon the friendship later? Will all Christians allow that to happen? The probability of that occurring isn't likely. However I've had it happen so many times to me in the past few years, it's what I'm anticipating because it's what I've become accustomed to. As a result of this occurring in the past few years I'm having a tendency to take the "once bitten, twice shy" attitude.
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  #2  
Unread 13th July 2010, 09:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Musician4Jesus View Post
I'm extremely lonely and I'm really getting sick of married couples in general, but especially in regards to Christian married couples. I notice that I have at least somewhat of a consistent friendship with Christians friends until they beome married. As soon as they become married, the friendship up and drifts, and contact becomes non-existent.

Yes I know a marriage is more important than a friendship. However all Christians seem to focus on is how it affects the married couple. They don't even bother to think how it affects the other relationships in the married Christian's life that were there prior to the marriage. If a Christian friend of the married Christian has the audacity to confront them about how they're being treated, then all the married Christians get this snobbish attitude and give them a guilt trip ganging up on them. I just wish married couples in the church would try to look at how it affects people on both sides of the spectrum. Unfortunately in my past experience, all married Christians seem to do is look at how it affects them, which is really selfish and rude. I believe part of a marriage is thinking about how your marriage affects the other relationships in your lives. I've noticed from past experience in my life, that they just tend to leave their important relationships by the wayside "for the benefit of the marriage". If you spend all your time with your spouse incessantly, you're going to drive each other insane. You need relationships outside the marriage because time apart (for room to breathe) is just as essential as enough time together.

Yeah I've seen Christians who have the attitude of "if you're single then why are you friends with a married christian". Well with some friendships and relationships you were friends with them BEFORE they became married; you just didn't pick to become friends with them when they were married in the first place.

Other piece of advice offered is "make new friends". I'm extremely reluctant to do this. Why bother trying to make new friends in a church? So I can develop a close relationship with a Christian only to have the relationship drift and them abandon the friendship later? Will all Christians allow that to happen? The probability of that occurring isn't likely. However I've had it happen so many times to me in the past few years, it's what I'm anticipating because it's what I've become accustomed to. As a result of this occurring in the past few years I'm having a tendency to take the "once bitten, twice shy" attitude.
The Christian Advice office is down the page and to the left. You will find others there willing to help.
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  #3  
Unread 13th July 2010, 11:00 PM
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It's an ethical question as well. I think our Torah gives us some insight into this, something about the first year the newlyweds didn't have to do anything. Have you tried re-connecting with your old friends that have been married for that long? It's sort of like a phase a teenager goes through ...
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  #4  
Unread 13th July 2010, 11:55 PM
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Originally Posted by wayseer View Post
The Christian Advice office is down the page and to the left. You will find others there willing to help.
Ditto.
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  #5  
Unread 14th July 2010, 11:38 AM
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Personally I think that if any friend (Christian or non) who drops you because they got married then they were never truly a friend to begin with.
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  #6  
Unread 14th July 2010, 12:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Celticflower View Post
Personally I think that if any friend (Christian or non) who drops you because they got married then they were never truly a friend to begin with.
I agree, although I'm sure this is not limited to Christian married couples, either.

I've tried to maintain several of my friendships after I got married. Sometimes, the time was just inconvenient, and you know, it's not just the married people who quit the friendships. Even just a card or a phone call now and then is good.

Musician4Jesus, I'm sorry that this has happened to you.
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  #7  
Unread 15th July 2010, 01:32 AM
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ahhaha i know exactly what your talking about!! there are people in the church im at with the same attitude. I think its simple, when your married theres a lot more reason and incentive to want to make the relationship grow and stay strong. Friendships arent as valuable and dont offer nearly as much satisfaction. It changes from caring for friends to caring for family. The family being the married couple. lol unfortunately friends are disposable to married couples, besides they dont want to hang around with other singles, they want other married couples lol. sorry for your loss lady but thats life
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  #8  
Unread 16th July 2010, 09:40 AM
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That's too bad. You should pray either for some likeminded singles to come along, for some of your married friends to reconnect with you, or for yourself to find a nice man, so you can become a married snob too.
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  #9  
Unread 16th July 2010, 02:47 PM
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Dionysiou

I HATE PEOPLE WITH YOUR CALLOUS AND RUDE ATTITUDE. Yes I know a marriage is more important than a friendship but that doesn't give the married couple a right to act like a selfish and arrogant jerks, which is exactly how they come off both in demeanor and attitude when they do this. Sure they're married and they have more on their plate, but that doesn't excuse how they're acting. Thinking before you act isn't exactly rock science and that's what this boils down to. Married Christians and married couples are perfectly capable of doing this, they just don't want to and/or refuse to. Then they try and jusify how they act with a bunch of bull crap excuses; they jump down the other person's throat and shift the blame to the other person so they can take the focus off how they're at fault. Apparently saving face with their ego is more important than how they treat people. It's okay to treat people like dirt so long as their pride isn't hurt; but if their pride is bruised, perish the thought and it's the end-of-the-world. It's easy for you and every other married couple to take this attitude because you're not the ones being hurt and affected! Why don't you try and put yourself in the other person's shoes and look at from their perspective instead of just looking at how it affects your marriage and you?!

Have I given up on the friendships I used to have? Yes. However I did try to keep in contact. I basically quit trying to contact them because even when I was trying to, it was an act of futility. Basically even when I was trying to keep in touch with them, they never even tried to return contact and never even seemed to make a concerted effort to keep the friendship afloat.

In regards to the marriage becomes the family; it's so subjective. If you're married and have no kids, it's really not that complicated in regards to your other relationships in your life. Married couples can find balance with their other relationships, and it won't be detrimental to the marriage; all they have to do is prioritize, but again they don't want to. Did they say that? No, but actions speak louder than words.

Last edited by Musician4Jesus; 16th July 2010 at 02:54 PM.
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Unread 16th July 2010, 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Musician4Jesus View Post
I'm extremely lonely and I'm really getting sick of married couples in general, but especially in regards to Christian married couples. I notice that I have at least somewhat of a consistent friendship with Christians friends until they beome married. As soon as they become married, the friendship up and drifts, and contact becomes non-existent.
I've only been married for four years, and prior to that I felt very much like you did. It was even harder with guy friends as it was no longer appropriate to maintain the relationship after they married in most cases (unless I was friends with the wife too). It's frustrating and does make you feel very alone.

One thing that I really don't miss is sitting alone in church and having no one talk to me because no one could relate to me as a single. In fact even now, when I see single women sitting in a pew near by I try to put in even more effort to talk to them than I might to a couple. Being single in church was extremely difficult for me because I just didn't fit in the family atmosphere. But that's definitely not how it should be in the family of God.

Originally Posted by Musician4Jesus View Post
Yes I know a marriage is more important than a friendship. However all Christians seem to focus on is how it affects the married couple. They don't even bother to think how it affects the other relationships in the married Christian's life that were there prior to the marriage. If a Christian friend of the married Christian has the audacity to confront them about how they're being treated, then all the married Christians get this snobbish attitude and give them a guilt trip ganging up on them. I just wish married couples in the church would try to look at how it affects people on both sides of the spectrum. Unfortunately in my past experience, all married Christians seem to do is look at how it affects them, which is really selfish and rude. I believe part of a marriage is thinking about how your marriage affects the other relationships in your lives. I've noticed from past experience in my life, that they just tend to leave their important relationships by the wayside "for the benefit of the marriage".
I'm sure lots of people do this, in particular women who just "live" to get married and ditch everyone else as soon as that happens. Of course I remember girls who did that to their friends as soon as they had a boyfriend too. It happens.

As has been mentioned here, the first year of marriage is nothing short of overwhelming, so couples are naturally focused on making things work for them. Marriage does mean that the rest of the relationships will change to some degree. However I agree you'll probably find that if you give them some space they'll come around eventually. If not, then they're not the kind of friend you need anyway.

Because I moved to new cities a lot as a single, and because I'm an introvert, I didn't have any really close friends when I got married. I did have some friends I liked to hang out with regularly. And when I got married they ditched me because I was just a "boring married lady" and they couldn't relate to me anymore. I wanted to still spend time with them, but they preferred mostly things that had to do with meeting single men. So the relationship changed. Such is life.

Originally Posted by Musician4Jesus View Post
If you spend all your time with your spouse incessantly, you're going to drive each other insane.
One would think. And before I got married I was never able to spend days on end with anyone without feeling the desperate need to get away by myself for a while. However I can spend weeks on end with my husband 24/7 and we never get sick of each other. Go figure! I never would have guessed that was even possible before.

Originally Posted by Musician4Jesus View Post
You need relationships outside the marriage because time apart (for room to breathe) is just as essential as enough time together.
Absolutely.

Originally Posted by Musician4Jesus View Post
Yeah I've seen Christians who have the attitude of "if you're single then why are you friends with a married christian". Well with some friendships and relationships you were friends with them BEFORE they became married; you just didn't pick to become friends with them when they were married in the first place.
Yep. That's life and it's going to happen once you hit a certain age.

Originally Posted by Musician4Jesus View Post
Other piece of advice offered is "make new friends". I'm extremely reluctant to do this. Why bother trying to make new friends in a church? So I can develop a close relationship with a Christian only to have the relationship drift and them abandon the friendship later? Will all Christians allow that to happen? The probability of that occurring isn't likely. However I've had it happen so many times to me in the past few years, it's what I'm anticipating because it's what I've become accustomed to. As a result of this occurring in the past few years I'm having a tendency to take the "once bitten, twice shy" attitude.
I understand your hesitancy to go down that road again. It's tough. But just as married people need friendships, so do singles. So I hope you don't give up, even though it can be tough sometimes. Perhaps you'll even end up friends with some people who were already married and settled. Always a possibility. I know as a married person at this point in my life I have no preference between having married or single friends.
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