I hope this is okay to talk about here...

Rhaeselon · #1 17th March 2010, 07:00 PM

[SIZE=#]I was eating my third Double Whopper today and I was getting that greasy stuff all over my hands. I didnt even really think about it but instead of using a napkin I felt compelled to lick it all off of myself. Right then I had a revelation. I looked down at myself and realized what a fat slob I have become. In high school I was a star quarterback and now my wife wont even touch me intimately anymore. I cant see my feet or my genitals. I started to alternate between laughing histarically and crying right there in front of a bunch of people in Burger King. They have those narrow seats there and when I tried to get up and leave really fast because I was emberassed, I got stuck for a minute.

That made the teenagers next to me start laughing at me. I was really crying then and I heard a little girl ask her mommy what was wrong with that fat man. I lost it today and threw the rest of my milkshake at them. I went home and now I don't want to leave the house. I've eaten every Little Debbie snack in the whole house and I've been crying for hours. Nobody loves me and everyone thinks I'm a freak. I tried to talk to my wife and she left to stay at their mother's house for a while with the kids. I really need some friends.[/size]

brinny · #2 17th March 2010, 07:06 PM

((((hug)))))

Rhaeselon · #3 17th March 2010, 10:48 PM

[SIZE=#]Thank you for you, Brinny. I hope it's okay to talk about this here; I really have begun to think that it works like a trigger for my overindulgence of food. Maybe someone here will be able to identify with my particular problem. I have a habit of mixing eating with sexual thoughts.

I had a girlfriend once a long time ago who HATED it when I'd order take out and eat and masturbate at the same time. For some reason, I can't masturbate to food that I cook; it always has to be food that someone ELSE cooked and even then preferably BROUGHT to me. I guess that sounds kind of weird. I know it is so I've hidden it from my wife all this time. I also like it better when its some kind of food besides American food, something about Chinese or Japanese food that does it for me. Mind you, I don't feel compelled when I eat homemade food, but I usually cant stop thinking about masturbating anyway. Somewhere along the lines of doing this, I realized that I had created a need for food and masturbation together that was unhealthy. When I eat, I get horny. Especially when eating out. When I masturbate, I get hungry. So now the two are hopelessly intertwined. I'm a big guy, so usually if I get an erection at Denny's or Burger King, people can't tell when I stand up. Sometimes they can, though, and that's lead to some embarrassing situations. I remember one young server at Jose Pepper's who saw me kind of rubbing myself at the table unconsciously. I saw him looking at me and figured out what I was doing that made him look so stunned. I didn't know what to do so I just winked at him and smiled. When I left, I put my telephone number on the table, but he never called. I think he might have if I hadn't creeped him out. I don't know what is so surprising to people about masturbation and food; it seems natural to me. Mostly when I feel like I need to do stuff to myself, I excuse myself and go to the bathroom for a few minutes. I suppose I should try to separate the two activities so that one of them doesn't drive me to do the other.

I haven't changed my ways much. I still eat a lot, but I can't stop thinking about it now, my doctor says I need to lower my cholesterol very badly. Its seems so screwed up to me that I'm more concerned with how people look at me than my health. Lately since my wife went to stay at her mother's house I've felt very self destructive. Like I don't care anymore. My private fantasy is that I'll go and visit her in a few weeks with a lot of weight gone. I have a friend who works in the kitchen of a restaurant nearby who says he can get some extra good diet pills from Mexico that are really made for animals. I'm a little afraid but I really want to have my wife back. It's weird that I got sick of her and bitter about having no sex at all, but now that she is gone, I want her back so badly. I just don't know how I'm gonna drop the weight fast enough to keep her from leaving me.

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT,
I hope you don't all think I'm a freak. I'm a really nice man.[/size]

brinny · #4 17th March 2010, 11:37 PM

are you seeing a therapist?

Rhaeselon · #5 18th March 2010, 04:41 AM

I've considered that, yes, but as I said before, I've hidden this particular issue from my wife throughout our entire marriage, so I think it would be rather difficult for me to seek professional help without her knowing and asking questions. I'm just not sure if I'm quite ready to tell her about it yet.