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  #1  
Unread 8th March 2010, 03:30 PM
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Lusting after other women HELP

Hey all, 1st post for me on here so please be gentle I'm 30, been with my wife for 10 years, while I love her dearly I am in a constant struggle with lusting after other women, it is driving me crazy, so much so that last month I had made a decision that this wasn't fair on my wife and was thinking about leaving, but I have 2 children and didn't know what to do, I had so many unanswered questions, "Am I with the wrong woman?" "Do I leave?" etc etc so I did what I do in any time of crisis I prayed, I believe that when you pray in times of crisis god will respond you just have to be alert for the answers,

That was on a Saturday night, and as reliable as ever on Sunday I got my answer, The children were playing up and I said to my wife "Imagine having more kids, it would be a mad house" my wife responds, "My period is a month late" well my jaw dropped, we went and got a test kit and sure enough she is pregnant, so I think god has made it perfectly clear now that I am with the woman I am supposed to be with, and actually with this news of a new baby it has brought us closer together again as we where starting to drift but yet I still can't stop this lusting over other women, everywhere I look there is a beautiful woman I am attracted to, I know lusting over another woman is a sin but I just can't stop. Can someone please help or advise me.
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  #2  
Unread 8th March 2010, 06:16 PM
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What do you define as lusting? As much as we'd like it to not be the case, men will always NOTICE an attractive woman walking by. That's not lust. It becomes lust when you start to entertain thoughts or dwell on what it would be like to be with her. Staring for a long time, while maybe not strictly lust, is probably also not good.

In either the case of actually lusting, or in the case of just noticing, I've found that it always helps to immediately pray for her. Pray that she knows or comes to know Jesus, and as strange as this one may sound, simply tell God what a good job he did when making her. Or that she's a beautiful on the inside to Him as she is on the outside.
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  #3  
Unread 8th March 2010, 06:46 PM
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Agree with Chaz fully.

Even extend that prayer to her finding her husband and ask God to bless their marriage and protect it from outsiders. This usually works for me.

Blessings.
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  #4  
Unread 9th March 2010, 01:27 AM
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Oh its full on lust, looking at them and thinking about them naked or what i'd like to do to them, definitely not Christian thoughts But thanks for the tip, I will try it out today
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  #5  
Unread 9th March 2010, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Guyfromni View Post
Oh its full on lust, looking at them and thinking about them naked or what i'd like to do to them, definitely not Christian thoughts But thanks for the tip, I will try it out today
Ok well now the situation is a little more clear, maybe I can offer more constructive advice. I went where I did at first because there was something in your post that suggested to me that maybe you were operating under a very legalistic definition of lust. I guess I was wrong.

But let me ask this. Why did you equate your lusting with the possibility that you were married to the wrong woman? Even men married to their perfect mate, and even those married to women with supermodel looks can have lust issues, so who you are married to has little to no bearing on it. Since you've decided that God was telling you that she is the right one I guess that's not all that important other than to get to this point. I think our entire thinking about being married to the "right person" is deeply flawed. It is flawed because we get into this mode where when things aren't going well we decide it's because we didn't find the "right person". That is, at it's root basically focusing on the other person's flaws and your own needs, which is exactly backwards from nearly everything the Bible tells us. Are there sometimes people who simply should not be married? Sure, but in those cases we are usually talking about abuse or serious neglect or something along those lines. I guess what I'm gettin at is that even though you've decided that God was telling you to stay married, maybe you should try to abandon the very concept of the wrong person from your thinking. Sorry that doesn't offer much in terms of dealing with the lust but I do think it's somewhat relevant.

I'm going to ask a VERY personal question that you are free to answer or not, and if you want you can answer it privately too. Is your lusting confined to people in the real world, women you happen to pass by or do you have, or have you ever had any sort of issue with porn use? I'm asking because the two are often connected. Even if you had an issue with porn in the past, that past can still be affecting your thinking today.
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  #6  
Unread 9th March 2010, 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted by chaz345 View Post
Ok well now the situation is a little more clear, maybe I can offer more constructive advice. I went where I did at first because there was something in your post that suggested to me that maybe you were operating under a very legalistic definition of lust. I guess I was wrong.

But let me ask this. Why did you equate your lusting with the possibility that you were married to the wrong woman? Even men married to their perfect mate, and even those married to women with supermodel looks can have lust issues, so who you are married to has little to no bearing on it. Since you've decided that God was telling you that she is the right one I guess that's not all that important other than to get to this point. I think our entire thinking about being married to the "right person" is deeply flawed. It is flawed because we get into this mode where when things aren't going well we decide it's because we didn't find the "right person". That is, at it's root basically focusing on the other person's flaws and your own needs, which is exactly backwards from nearly everything the Bible tells us. Are there sometimes people who simply should not be married? Sure, but in those cases we are usually talking about abuse or serious neglect or something along those lines. I guess what I'm gettin at is that even though you've decided that God was telling you to stay married, maybe you should try to abandon the very concept of the wrong person from your thinking. Sorry that doesn't offer much in terms of dealing with the lust but I do think it's somewhat relevant.

I'm going to ask a VERY personal question that you are free to answer or not, and if you want you can answer it privately too. Is your lusting confined to people in the real world, women you happen to pass by or do you have, or have you ever had any sort of issue with porn use? I'm asking because the two are often connected. Even if you had an issue with porn in the past, that past can still be affecting your thinking today.
I do lust after real women in day to day life, but also look at porn, infact I have looked at porn ever since I was a teen, its now at the stage where it doesn't actually do anything for me but still look as force of habit.
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  #7  
Unread 10th March 2010, 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Guyfromni View Post
I do lust after real women in day to day life, but also look at porn, infact I have looked at porn ever since I was a teen, its now at the stage where it doesn't actually do anything for me but still look as force of habit.
Address the porn issue and the real life lust issue will be addressed too. Until you address the porn issue though, anything you do in trying to deal with the real life lust issue is pointless. This I know from personal experience.
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  #8  
Unread 10th March 2010, 11:01 AM
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Originally Posted by chaz345 View Post
Address the porn issue and the real life lust issue will be addressed too. Until you address the porn issue though, anything you do in trying to deal with the real life lust issue is pointless. This I know from personal experience.
I will second this sentiment. You have "trained" your brain through porn for a long time without even knowing it. I still have daily struggles with seeing beautiful women (especially at the gym) and having fantasies pop into my head. I have to stop them willfully and if they pop back in I have to repeat this in prayer. I pray that eventually I will remove this from my mind and I know that if I trust God to heal it will eventually happen.
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  #9  
Unread 10th March 2010, 03:35 PM
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Thanks all, I will tackle the porn issue, its something I've never attempted before because I never really saw it as a problem, I did it for so long, but now I can see what its doing.
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  #10  
Unread 10th March 2010, 04:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Guyfromni View Post
...god has made it perfectly clear now that I am with the woman I am supposed to be with, and actually with this news of a new baby it has brought us closer together
Originally Posted by Guyfromni View Post
Thanks all, I will tackle the porn issue, its something I've never attempted before because I never really saw it as a problem, I did it for so long, but now I can see what its doing.
Congratulations! You are truly blessed.
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