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  #1  
Unread 26th February 2010, 03:45 PM
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What do I do when my wife says she hates me?

My wife says she hates me.

She says she wants me to move out.

She yells at me for almost everything I do, but claims she is not yelling.
She is just "speaking with emotion." It is probably a combination of yelling, crying, and blaming.

I do not compliment her often enough, but when I do, she dismisses them. I wasn't sincere enough, or I was just trying to make up for a fight, or it doesn't make up for all the times I didn't compliment her.

I am not overly helpful around the house, but I do have a good income, and do what I can when I am home. (Put the kids to bed 3-4 times/wk; clean the dishes daily, but not every meal; Shovel snow; take out trash; mow the lawn; help with dinner 1-2 times/wk; bring kids to sporting events or other events 30-40% of the time.) But, it is seldom recognized. I am just doing my responsibility.

When I ask her questions about what we shoud do about something, she gets angry because I am putting it all on her. When I don't ask questions, I am accused of not including her.

I don't want to move out because I don't believe there has been any infidelity, either emotional or physical. I also don't want to move out for the sake of our children. But we have had 2 marriage counselors suggest that we should separate.

I have tried and tried to do what she asks, but I always fail, or what she expects changes. It is probably a combination of me not being able to give her what she wants, and her not being able to accept what I do give. Either way, I do not think I can meet her expecations.


But what is more loving, to separate/divorce because she is asking me to, even though God hates divorce ? or to refuse to separate/divorce, even though she seems to be having deteriorating mental and emotional health?
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  #2  
Unread 26th February 2010, 05:58 PM
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You and I know each other from another forum, and so we each know some of the stresses we've endured and inflicted on others not only in the old days but since.

Do the changes you've made significantly alter your family dynamics? The spouses of people like us often find that, as we change, their own situation is adversely affected. (Or, at least, such is their perception.)

The only counsel I can give you, based on what you've said above, is: turn it over.
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  #3  
Unread 27th February 2010, 12:29 AM
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Thanks Bob for your comments.

Yes, they have altered the family dynamics. I should have included that in my initial posting here. And, so that everyone is also aware, I am a recovered alcoholic. By recovered, I mean, although I can never drink alcohol, I don't think about drinking and I don't think about not drinking. I don't mourn the loss of the ability to drink socially, nor do I have a problem if others are drinking around me. Using alcohol to enjoy or escape life just isn't part of my life anymore. I now focus on letting God be the director of my life. Although I am far from perfect, but I do turn it over to God, daily.

Part of the dynamics that have changed, as I see it, is that she seems resentful for my desire to help other alcoholics. She see's it as me willing to help others, but not her. Even though I do help her more. She also seems resentful of my recovery, and has occasionally asked who will help her. She is not an alcoholic, but wants nothing to do with Al-anon, and does not want any advice from me.

As I said, I do turn it over daily, but I won't say it is easy. It is often very difficult, and the skills I have learned through the 12 steps have helped me cope. But my concern, in this posting, is not for my wellbeing, it is for hers. I see her full of resentments and fear, and at the verge of an emotional breakdown. I know that I cannot fix her issues, I just don't want to add to them.
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  #4  
Unread 27th February 2010, 12:43 AM
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Interesting that 2 marriage counselors said you should separate. Why was this? Why does your wife hate you? I realize that this must be painful and difficult to deal with. At the same time I think that these are questions that need answering. Is it the compliments alone--she hates you because you don't compliment her enough? Do you mean the compliments when you say them?
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Unread 27th February 2010, 12:44 AM
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Hmm. You might also post this over on Alcohol Abuse. My wife did not have this reaction; but I've heard it's quite common. Just as there are those who, rightly or wrongly, perceive themselves as "golf widows" or "football widows" there are those who see themselves as "AA widows." (I haven't actually heard that term used, but you get the drift.)
Have you brought it up in a closed meeting?
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  #6  
Unread 27th February 2010, 01:03 AM
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Has your wife ever been to an alanon meeting? I honestly have reservations about the higher power aspect of it because I believe that there is only one true God, and all others are idols. But if one absolutely puts the one true God in His proper leading role, then the 12 steps are good for all people. My child's father was a severe alcoholic, and he went to aa once in awhile, but I went to alanon. I went to different meetings. They weren't all for me, but I found one particular meeting that was just awesome. I also noticed that alanon was a whole lot more fun than aa. The few times I went to aa I noticed that most of the people there were depressed. At alonon, most of the people were nurturing, and it was a good experience. I don't mean to disrespect people in aa, I am just wondering if she is basing her dislike of alanon on an aa experience? I also went to conventions that were for both aa and alanon. and those were great too. I still remember a speech from one of the aa leaders that was very insightful. Maybe she just feels excluded from such a big part of your life?
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A significant discovery was made in relation to marital satisfaction and role relationships. It discovered that (81%) of equalitarian (egalitarian) couples were happily married, while (82%) of couples where both spouses perceived their relationship as traditional (hierarchical) were mainly unhappy.[17]
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  #7  
Unread 28th February 2010, 12:33 AM
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Originally Posted by McScribe View Post
Interesting that 2 marriage counselors said you should separate. Why was this? Why does your wife hate you? I realize that this must be painful and difficult to deal with. At the same time I think that these are questions that need answering. Is it the compliments alone--she hates you because you don't compliment her enough? Do you mean the compliments when you say them?
She seems to hate me. She yelled it over and over again the other night. Loudly enough for the kids to hear. I have read some books about abusive relationships, and I think she fits the description very well. Except, she doesn't use physical violence as her primary method of abuse, it is mostly emotional. Yelling embarrasing things for the kids to hear. Telling me I am a worthless excuse for a human being. But she does also hit, kick, and throw things at me also. After particularly bad episodes, she seems to be remorseful, and kind again. But the calm period only lasts a while, and then I do something wrong, and a new episode erupts.

It is not the compliments alone. It can be from almost anything. She used to complain that I didn't do the laundry, so she yelled at me. So I started doing the laundry, but I didn't do it the right way, so she yelled at me. I didn't do the dishes, so she yelled at me. So I started doing the dishes, but now I forget to put my bowl away in the morning, so I get yelled at for not putting my bowl away. I don't compliment her enough, so I try to compliment her by telling her I like what she is wearing. But she says I didn't tell her she looks pretty. I am only saying her clothes are pretty. The list can go on and on. She yells at me for something, I try to change, but I do it the wrong way. It seems like I cannot ever figure out what she wants.
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  #8  
Unread 28th February 2010, 01:14 AM
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Originally Posted by BobW188 View Post
Hmm. You might also post this over on Alcohol Abuse. My wife did not have this reaction; but I've heard it's quite common. Just as there are those who, rightly or wrongly, perceive themselves as "golf widows" or "football widows" there are those who see themselves as "AA widows." (I haven't actually heard that term used, but you get the drift.)
Have you brought it up in a closed meeting?
I don't think I go to enough meetings for her to complain about being an AA widow. I only go to one meeting a week, and it is on a night that she is often doing something herself. I also have breakfast with a friend for 10th step stuff, but it is when she is either just waking up, or is getting ready to meet with her friends. Although, she did complain when I went to 2 meetings a week.

I posted this here instead of in the Alcohol Abuse section, mostly because I wanted spiritual advice on which is more loving. To avoid separation/divorce at all costs (her mental/emotional health), or if separation/divorce should be considered and balanced with her mental/emotional health.

Last edited by devonian; 28th February 2010 at 02:22 AM. Reason: Additional comments.
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Unread 28th February 2010, 01:21 AM
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Ok I think I get why she doesn't want to go to alanon. She would have to deal with her own issues and not be able to place blame anywhere but on herself. It sounds like you are her scapegoat. Maybe while you were drinking, you were an easy scapegoat, but now, you are making it more difficult for her to make you the scapegoat. I hope you have some strong Christlike buddies that you can pray with. I think this is a spiritual battle, and quite simply your wife needs to repent. Hang in there.
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  #10  
Unread 28th February 2010, 02:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Romanseight2005 View Post
Has your wife ever been to an alanon meeting? I honestly have reservations about the higher power aspect of it because I believe that there is only one true God, and all others are idols. But if one absolutely puts the one true God in His proper leading role, then the 12 steps are good for all people. My child's father was a severe alcoholic, and he went to aa once in awhile, but I went to alanon. I went to different meetings. They weren't all for me, but I found one particular meeting that was just awesome. I also noticed that alanon was a whole lot more fun than aa. The few times I went to aa I noticed that most of the people there were depressed. At alonon, most of the people were nurturing, and it was a good experience. I don't mean to disrespect people in aa, I am just wondering if she is basing her dislike of alanon on an aa experience? I also went to conventions that were for both aa and alanon. and those were great too. I still remember a speech from one of the aa leaders that was very insightful. Maybe she just feels excluded from such a big part of your life?
Thank you very much for replying. I have not had a very good experience with children/spouses of alcoholics. (Most were not members of alanon.) The ones I have met have been understandably very bitter and skeptical, and their parents/spouse were not recovered or recovering, so I appreciate your positive input.

I agree with you on the higher power part. I think everthing else can be supported by the Bible, but I also have reservations about that part. One thing I can say about it is that I think more people have found the one true God, because they were not forced to immediately accept that there was one true God in order to do the steps. They became open to seeking God, and the one true God found them. The other thing I can say is that I think it is often mis-quoted. Many people think is says choose a god of your own conception. Which means: Make up a god and believe in it. What it really says is: Choose your own conception of God. Which means there is a God, and our limited minds are choosing an imperfect mental picture of Him in order to start contact with Him.

She has gone to a few alanon meetings. I think there is a combination of not finding a good meeting, thinking she should not have to go to meetings just because I have a problem, and feeling excluded from such a big part of my life.
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