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  #1  
Old 25th January 2010, 12:13 PM
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Kiss Adult Children & Sex

My husband and I have struggled with the issue of premarital sex with each of our 4 kids. Raised in an active church-going home with each going to confirmation classes & church through high school, each of our kids has had sex before marriage. Now our youngest, a daughter who is 21 and living in our home while taking a semester off from college, is spending one night a week with her boyfriend. This bothers us greatly but we don't know what to do. She tells us when she will be gone overnight so we won't worry about her. Her boyfriend, who is 25, moved back in with his parents who do let them sleep together in their house. Any suggestions would be most appreciated. Thanks.
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  #2  
Old 25th January 2010, 12:23 PM
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Love your children regardless...
Hubby and I lived together for a couple of years before we were married, been together for 20 years and married 16 yrs.
Our parents didn't care for the idea that we were living together, nor did they care for the idea of others in our family living together, however they still loved us and were always there for us.
So I suppose my suggestion is, don't judge them (Only God has that right) and continue to love your children through their lives regardless of their decisions
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  #3  
Old 25th January 2010, 12:53 PM
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Kiss

Thanks for sharing your thought. We are trying to be 'adult' about it - agreeing to disagree, setting boundaries e.g. no sleepovers in our house. But it is still very hard as it is right in front of our eyes. I guess more prayer is the answer.
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Old 25th January 2010, 01:12 PM
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Better before your eyes where you can be talking about it, than behind your back. I know it is small consolation, but you have a good enough relationship that she is telling you when and where she is going, some parents don't even have that.

You have done what you could to raise kids with Christian values. Just like all of us, no matter how hard our parents tried, we will still do things wrong. This is one of the harder parts of being a parent. I'm a long ways off but already it occupies a lot of my worry.
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  #5  
Old 25th January 2010, 01:20 PM
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Thanks for that advice. We know it is good that we can talk with her about this and that she cares enough about us to let us know when she'll be gone so we don't worry. I guess we'll both have to get better at turning the other cheek.
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  #6  
Old 25th January 2010, 02:18 PM
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A.) It's not your fault. Your children are adults, and they will make mistakes no matter how you raised them. You should not feel guilt over what another grown-up does, even if it's your child.

B.) It's no longer any of your business, either. Your children are adults, and they will make mistakes no matter how you raised them. Trying to control them on such an intimate issue now that they're adults is only going to breed disrespect and, frankly, more sin out of sheer rebellion. It's far less important to try to stop them than it is to keep the communication lines open, so they'll feel comfortable coming to you for comfort and counsel if/when the sin has bad practical consequences.
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"As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly." -Proverbs 26:11
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  #7  
Old 25th January 2010, 02:23 PM
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It is very hard to deal with this.
Since your child is an adult... ultimately, she is the one who will decide.
The more you restrain her the more she will rebel..

Do you trust your own daughter's judgment?
I wonder how is her boyfriend personality?
Do you trust his judgment?

sometimes a sleepover just might very well be a sleepover.
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  #8  
Old 25th January 2010, 02:38 PM
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Our daughter has been honest with us so we know they are not sleepovers. I don't think either of us have any illusions about controlling adult children no matter how much we'd like to. Perhaps this is more about our values, morals & faith and how to deal with this right in front of our eyes (so to speak). We don't feel guilty - just trying I think to find a way to make peace with the situation. All of the responses have been helpful and I appreciate your honesty.
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Old 25th January 2010, 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by cagey View Post
Our daughter has been honest with us so we know they are not sleepovers. I don't think either of us have any illusions about controlling adult children no matter how much we'd like to. Perhaps this is more about our values, morals & faith and how to deal with this right in front of our eyes (so to speak). We don't feel guilty - just trying I think to find a way to make peace with the situation. All of the responses have been helpful and I appreciate your honesty.
Since your daughter is being honest with you.. I think you owe it to yourself and your daughter to be honest with her.
Tell her what you actually feel about her having sex with her boy friend (while at the same time being respectful, of course -don't make it into a fit).
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  #10  
Old 25th January 2010, 03:59 PM
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We did have that conversation before she moved back home from college. She basically said she has her own views and that we (meaning us & her) agree to disagree. She called awhile ago to say she'd be staying again tonight and back tomorrow morning. I just kind of grunted uh-ha and then she moved on to another topic. My husband will be unhappy to hear this too. I know this isn't PC - but we are supporting her financially and really don't like having to accept these actions at the same time. It's a struggle.
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