I used to feel like i was in this cold place . i could not connect to anyone or even my own emotions . it all happened suddenly . and i still do not know what happened . all i remember is sunstroke and feeling a chill when i went to sleep that afternoon in elementary school and somehow i was seeing reality from the outside of myself couldn't feel stuff except for base emotions like angry and sad and i cannot remember but it was a very limited range .
much time passed and the emotional wall broke and i went from being a complete introvert to extreme extrovert quite quickly .. of course the momentum dies down eventually and it feels like the sun blazing in your heart has become a stagnant pool without current
(high school) I used to use the Manic to balance out the Depression and found a way to ramp it up so it was more stable . but then that stopped working because it was based on momentum . and then i tried adrenalyne to balance it out . but my bike kept breaking . so i was stuck with walking as a reliable mode of transportation . and later i found being around people was hard because it was like their thoughts were flying around like cell phone signals and i used to get these lumps on my nerves because .. i dunno stress i guess . and then i learned to turn the nerves into talking things instead of just a regular signal . so all this electricity was passing through my body and all these thoughts that i doubted were mine . and i got really depressed and felt lonely i guess as an AI would connected to data but nothing flowing to the heart .
but that was over a decade ago . so for coherency purposes . i'll put that aside
I skipped university . can't remember why . nothing new really happened in context of this flow .
I had a very hard experience before the next section . if anyone has had their alter ego try to electrocute them with their own neurology you may be able to imagine what happened before i flipped from effort oriented to grace oriented thought processes . I still don't wear metal but i guess i could try again .
Do you ever find yourself in the morning whether you should pick up the fork first or the spoon? Does going against the flow of such thoughts cause a psychological argument? well, it did for me for quite some time .
I guess most recently i was introduced to an application of the trinity . for about half a year give a little i thought i had additional personalities of which before i thought it was the standard christian split .. you have the new nature and the old nature so live with it right? But back to the "personalities" they were just other people in unity with me . i wasn't aware of them so i treated them as my own thoughts . but as i realized they were actually people . well .. a lot of unexplained stuff just unravelled and i felt myself being restored slowly .. but compared to as long as i had been waiting .. the pace was rapid .
The application was "may they be one as we are one" so if Jesus and Father are in one another yet manifest separately in the space time continuum (as far as the scriptures illustrate) then why is it so surprising that those who are made in His image and likeness would be illustrating the same capabilities .
I ended up having to separate from a number of them and just go solo because one of them was destroying relationships i was having with others by virtue of the way they impermeated all i impermeated and inflicted pain on me and others .. but all that confusing stuff aside ..
I find i understand what it is to be one . if i am one with someone i can run with all my might and all theirs and the increase of each other spurring one another on .. if i am one with someone . i can think with my mind and theirs at the same time and benefit from the consensus of a conversation . and add a few more into the equation .. and i don't see a disorder at all . this is what Jesus was talking about when he spoke of his gathering . anyway . for encouragement . nothing more . nothing less .
The remedy had to do with sifting out what was the emotional and psychological reaction to the Spirit of God and what part was actually was God . (because where the spirit is there is freedom) but somehow a lot of those dark thoughts i used to get can be stopped as soon as they begin . i might write more of this later .
And i hope you all find the peace promised to protect your heart that springs from our trust in Him above all worry and stress .
-Michael
(side thought that didn't fit in stream)
I've learned in process that many things can be true . and opposites can be parallels . its almost like a big bicycle wheel where there are many spokes .. and two rims one wide and one narrow .
Last edited by Michael Collum; 20th December 2009 at 01:34 PM.
Reason: clarity
Hi Michael,
Welcome to the recovery area of CF ( Christian Forums)
You have a awesome way of writing! It sounds like you have been through some hard times, but have learned to work through them with the strength of Christ. My sister had schizophrenia ( she passed away in 2000) I took care of her. She was a beautiful Christian! Some days she struggled but was able like you to get past it. I sure miss her though.
I have seen the movie Beautiful Mind with Russel Crow, have you? What an intelligent genius.
Welcome again, stay around there is a great group of people here ( if you look in the depression stickies they have a daily check in) you don't have to be depressed to post in there.
lately, i've been having a very literal experience of many esoteric passages in the bible . is it okay to be able to read hearts and minds?
That is great you are reading the classic parts of the bible, many people find the old testament hard to read. Reading peoples hearts to me would be to have discernment, this is a special gift from God. To read their minds, maybe ask this question in the
Welcome Michael! I see you've made a friend already!
If you need either of us are always at your service sir!
God Bless you sir!
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Welcome to Christian Forums!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
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